Just need to rant!

[RachelZ]

Hey all...hope people are doing well. Sorry if all this sounds moany but I guess I just need to rant. Feeling pretty fed up along with anxiety as well. Just had an appointment with my psychotherapist today and I just feel like I'm so screwed up there's no hope. I'm scared of God which is not a good foundation for a relationship with Him! I barely read the bible and pray little as both activities can end up with me feeling worse. I am totally willing to work hard at therapy but don't feel I have what is necessary for it to be effective. My best friend is going through so much crap that I don't feel I can talk to her about my struggles at the moment and she's the one I usually discuss stuff with and find her so helpful...most other people know me on a more superficial level or know certain things but not to the degree that she does. I guess I feel a little lost and alone...I cannot seem to get to a place where I can trust in God's love and mercy. I feel worn out and pretty useless...I help out at a group on Mondays and usually really enjoy that but recently I feel insecure and worried about how they see me and whether or not I'm of any use there or not. I'm doing some training related to the work I do at the group and although I've previously felt really motivated about it I've had moments when I wonder if it's worth it. I wonder if I'm just a talkative, annoying person rather than someone who can really help others. I feel like if the OCD isn't tormenting me then it's the free floating anxiety or feeling low. Sometimes I come up for air but it doesn't seem to last long. How can I take this all to God and hope for his help when I know that I will merely be consumed by fear and anxiety?

Sorry this is all so negative...I'm just so battle weary...the torment of OCD, (if indeed it is that and not my cowardly response to reality!) anxiety sometimes free floating and sometimes grounded in other stuff apart from my main obsession, my spiritual dryness...it all just gets a bit much. I'm trying to deal with stuff in therapy but am feeling like it's making me see myself like I used to so much of the time...with scorn and loathing that I could be such a weak person.

Anyway...thanks for listening...prayers would be muchly appreciated! Take care, Rachel

 

[stacii]

I am praying for you. I go through rough patches here and there also, and ranting a little bit always helps. It's okay to get fed up with life every now and then because life is hard. God knows your struggles and loves you.

It sounds like you're feeling a little emotionally flat. Perhaps you are just about ready for spring!

 

[BeccaLynn]

I think people know me a superficial level also. I wonder what is me, what is ocd, and am I really shallow or too deep? I went through a period when I thought maybe God was telling me to just look at the verses that offer me comfort about Him rather than the ones that I could tear apart and see as His condemnation of me. I could take many verses and turn them against me, but I mean the ones that really helped me to see God as my loving Father and not my abusive one. I don't mean that I'm thinking He never scolds or corrects me, but rather that it's hard to receive any kind of correction from someone you think is critical and unloving. It's just about revenge then. Getting back at me for messing up or doing wrong. That's not God. I enjoy reading books by Max Lucado. He sees God in a way I desire to see Him. I think He sees Him accurately and paints Him in a way my mind and heart seem to grasp better. Right now, although I often feel guilty about it, I just spend about 10-15 minutes in the morning reading a devotional by Max Lucado, praying, and worshipping. I try to focus on God, but my mind still strays even in this short amount of time. But, I don't feel so overwhelmed and seem to sense that this is okay with God now, because I've seen His nature in such a wrong light for such a long time, so it's okay if I take baby steps in allowing Him to change my wrong way of thinking. The important thing is that I'm taking those steps. Not to say I don't revert back to my "old ways", but that I get up again and go on. Often, when I take more time, all the head noise and the trying to earn His approval and how much is enough starts to take over anyway.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all the crud you are, but I can relate to where you're coming from. Also, the verse to "Be still and know that I am God" has been coming to me in one way or another for a while now. In fact, I read it on one of Seajoy's posts. When we're busy trying to do things right, enough, making sure we have the accurate amount of faith, covering everyone in prayer, etc., that can create a lof of distracting noise and place the focus on us instead of God. Spending this short amount of time in prayer helps me to "Be still". God can work on me to spend longer, but for now, this is where I am and He will love me and encourage me each step of the way. I don't want to make this about "me", but since I know what you're talking about, I wanted to share what is really seeming to help me. I hope something I've said can make a positive difference for you.

Love,
Rebecca

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. I also remember a time where I felt like my views were so distorted by OCD that I had no clue which way was up and which way was down. It seems as though our problem is not merely "over thinking," but over thinking to the point of near insanity! The difference is, you see, is that non-OCD'ers minds can come to a conclusion and rest at that conclusion... we are just left in the seemingly endless cycle of doubt and fear.

This was really shown to me a few weeks ago when my husband was leading a Bible study and talked about wanting absolute certainty, especially when it came to stuff like salvation. But then he read a verse (I believe it is in John 3) about whoever believes in Him has eternal life. And that put that whole "certainty/uncertainty" argument to rest for my husband. Me... I'd start to doubt and question whether or not I really believed! And I did!

Make no mistake, my OCD rages on, despite not obsessing endlessly about loving my husband or truly believing in God. As I wrote last week (or the week before?), I too worry endlessly about what others think of me/if I have offended them. Yesterday I panicked that I would lose my job; today I'm worrying about a doctor's appt I have next week and what the tests will find. I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another!! It feels like a never ending battle, doesn't it? The only difference is, my "worry time" is much shorter than it used to be as I'm now prepared for OCD. I know what to expect of it... for all of its little nuances, OCD is actually a very predictable disorder.

But the truth is two-fold:

1) Nothing, not even OCD and our crazy thoughts and doubts, can separate us from the love of Christ. Nothing! Nothing on this earth can do that. There is nothing more powerful than Jesus. Not even OCD. Not even our most horrid thoughts or feelings.

2) If I can get better, anyone can get better. Anyone! There is no one who is beyond hope and recovery.

Like Becca suggested, baby steps is alright with God. He's not too demanding, and is easy to please - believe it or not! I know it is SO easy with our OCD minds to get caught up in the do's and don't's, and especially legalism. I am so, so terrible with the legalism and judgmentalism... feeling like one sin is worse than the other, or feeling like you have gone too far off the deep end to ever have a normal relationship with God. It's a rough way to live! But I think having a good understanding of God's grace, mercy and forgiveness is a good place to start. His grace is unconditional - OCD or not, it doesn't matter. His blessings are not doled out based on what good we've done or what bad we've done or how much we have read the Bible. He has our best interest at heart. He's not requiring perfect attendance at church or eloquent prayers, but rather, someone who just wants to serve Him. He's not requiring a perfect marriage with your spouse, but rather, one that puts Him at the center of it. You know?

Yeah, this OCD stuff makes the world seem bleak at times. I like Becca's suggestion of dedicating 10 minutes or so to prayer and worship. My mind often wanders, too, but just setting apart time to spend with God in prayer and worship shows you have an open heart, willing to be open to His word and His will for your life. It doesn't seem like much, but again - God doesn't require an hour-long worship service with the best preachers in order for us to commune with Him. Secondly I have also found that Christian fellowship has had an amzing impact on my life and my marriage. Just being in the word with fellow Christians a few times a week has made a HUGE difference for us!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sorry, you are feeling rough, Rachel. I've had a wild OCD week myself. So I totally relate. Praying for you~I was actually thinking about you yesterday, about how you had so much wisdom and can articulate things so well! I'm sure you're able to help others! As you know, so often we had great clarity about others situations and problems but the OCD struggles fogs our perception of ourselves and our own situation.

As for as your counselor, do you think this person is helping you ultimately or do you think you should try to locate someone else? Sometimes it helps to find someone whom you are more simpatico with~

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Stacii, Beccalynn and Sad thank so much for your replies...it's so good of you to take the time!

Thanks for your understanding Stacii...I certainly agree that it will be nice to see Spring...it's exciting to see the bulbs we planted last year starting to flower...the promise of warmer days to come!

Thanks for showing how much you understand BeccaLynn. You're right to have that commitment to spend time with God. I agree that focussing on the less scary verses is a good idea...the trouble is I even managed to take "Be still and know that I am God!" as a rebuke from Him once! I seem capable of turning the nicest verses round on me or reading on till I suddenly find something that takes all the positive implications away from what I've just read. I feel so strongly that God doesn't really like me and that He is cross with me. The idea of trusting in His love for me to be bigger than my sinfulness makes me feel almost panicky inside. I think I have read the odd bit of Max Lucado's stuff...maybe I should look into that...it's helpful to know what helps others and I'm glad you've found him helpful to you. Thanks again so much for your honesty and sharing how you struggle too...hope you're not too bad at the moment.

Thanks Sad...I think you're so right about not being able to reach conclusions and being in a cycle of fear and doubt...my life script is so often, "Yeah but what if...?" I'm sorry you OCD still rages but am so glad you have found a way to cut short the cycles.

I don't think I have a very good understanding of God's grace, mercy and forgiveness at all...I know so much and come from what I think is quite a legalistic background yet I am terrified of believing the wrong things about God and getting punished for it. I think I feel very much like though Jesus died for my sins I must somehow be right enough to receive God's love and mercy...even though I understand with my head that it is a free gift. So even though I may be saved it may be like the one who barely escapes hell by the skin of her teeth as the bible mentions in a more bible speak kind of way.

I do appreciate so much all your input...thank you and I pray God blesses you for helping despite your own suffering. I know I can find it hard to reach out to others when my own pain is fierce. Take care, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Hey KayKay just been typing the above post and seen you've replied in the meantime. Thank you for your understanding...I'm so sorry you've had a rough week! Please let me know if I can pray for anything.

Thank you for the kind stuff you said...I really hope I can help others but sometimes I just feel like I ramble on to people and they're prolly just wanting me to shutup. I can certainly relate to the foggy perception of stuff. It's like a fog in a horror movie where something evil lurks and claims victims every now and then!

As to the therapist...I don't know...in some ways I feel he is spot on with a lot of stuff but I worry that just like before it will be false hope. My trouble is I can see and accept to a degree that stuff from my past has affected how and who I am but only to a degree because I seem to have so few concrete memories...so I end up blaming myself for over-reacting...feeling like I despise myself for not having coped better when others go through much worse. He certainly isn't wishy washy which I would hate...and doesn't just let me go off on tangents without bringing me back to where he feels the root cause problem lies. I will stick with it at the moment...there are no other options anyway as he is seeing me on a ridiculously reduced fee and I couldn't afford full price therapy.

Thanks again...I pray God really improves this week for you...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hey KayKay just been typing the above post and seen you've replied in the meantime. Thank you for your understanding...I'm so sorry you've had a rough week! Please let me know if I can pray for anything.

Thank you for the kind stuff you said...I really hope I can help others but sometimes I just feel like I ramble on to people and they're prolly just wanting me to shutup. I can certainly relate to the foggy perception of stuff. It's like a fog in a horror movie where something evil lurks and claims victims every now and then!

As to the therapist...I don't know...in some ways I feel he is spot on with a lot of stuff but I worry that just like before it will be false hope. My trouble is I can see and accept to a degree that stuff from my past has affected how and who I am but only to a degree because I seem to have so few concrete memories...so I end up blaming myself for over-reacting...feeling like I despise myself for not having coped better when others go through much worse. He certainly isn't wishy washy which I would hate...and doesn't just let me go off on tangents without bringing me back to where he feels the root cause problem lies. I will stick with it at the moment...there are no other options anyway as he is seeing me on a ridiculously reduced fee and I couldn't afford full price therapy.

Thanks again...I pray God really improves this week for you...take care, Rachel

Praying for you~ Everything you wrote is just soooo typical of OCD. Don't get down on yourself. It really is a brain dysfunction IMO we're struggling with. Just keep looking to the Lord for healing however He chooses to bring it about.

BTW, don't know if this would work for you, but I find reading the Psalms pretty comforting. I, like you, can often read condemnation into anything! LOL! But I can generally read the Psalms without going off on some bent about it!

 

[RachelZ]

Hi KayKay...thanks. When you said what I wrote sounded typical of OCD did you mean the first post? I find it helpful when people can see the OCD in the way I think cos I still feel anxious about attributing certain things to it.

Yes that Psalms can be comforting can't they...I should try and find some really positive ones and maybe just read those for a while. Thanks KayKay...hugs and prayers from accross the water....take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hi KayKay...thanks. When you said what I wrote sounded typical of OCD did you mean the first post? I find it helpful when people can see the OCD in the way I think cos I still feel anxious about attributing certain things to it.

Yes that Psalms can be comforting can't they...I should try and find some really positive ones and maybe just read those for a while. Thanks KayKay...hugs and prayers from accross the water....take care, Rachel

Yes, the first post and also the way you see God as being.

 

[guitarintro]

Rachel, hope you will feel better soon. I wanted to be rid of OCD in the beginning of 2009, but it seems like there are some problems. Most of them are just intrusive thoughts, and I think I am able to control most of them. I hope you have been improving as well. I think I have made some improvements.

Did your therapist recommend Exposure Response Therapy for you?

 

[keryakos]

praying for you rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay for clarifying that.

Thanks guitarintro...sorry you're being troubled by your OCD...but glad you seem to be able to control them. No my therapist hasn't done anything to do with ERP...I think he's working more on the more general picture and how I have become how I am. I was concerned that it wasn't ERP but at least it's better than what the NHS offered which was mostly just mindfullness.

Thanks Keryakos...hope you're doing OK yourself.

Take care and thanks ever so much, Rachel