Just need some uplifting advice on a difficult situation for me

[GeistAufHorizont]

I really care for this girl who just happens to be my best friend at the moment. We were dating up until about a month ago and when we broke up we stayed friends and we still consider each other as best friends. She broke up with me cause she started having second guesses and got confused and wasnt sure if she was supposed to be with me or not. We get along great, we talk everyday on the phone for hours at a time, we enjoy spending time with each other and just being goofy with each other. Her parents really like me and so do all her friends (btw shes a pastors daughter...and we all know how hard it is to earn that kinda trust between a pastor and his daughters guy friend lol). Shes still confused and everything about how she feels for me.....shes not too sure if she really likes me or not. I like to think she does but is just going through a hard time. I dont want to give up hope or give up on her. She knows ill always be there for her no matter what happens....but im afraid of losing her. Im afraid shes going to decide that she doesnt want any thing more than my friendship. I just wish there was a way to explain to her how much i care for her....i mean ive told her countless times even when we were together but i dont think that really justifies it all. I would do any thing for her and even as hard as it is being nothing more than friends at the moment im giving her all i have cause i dont think she deserves ne less......i just really need some uplifting advice and all. What does everyone here think of the whole situation or about how she feels or whatever

 

[DaveKerwin]

Don't expect the friendship to last the way it is now. That is not exactly uplifting, but thats the way it is. Guys and girls cannot be just friends. Some people will tell you otherwise. Right now you are "only friends" with her, but I know you want to be more. She seems to have issues with trusting people and making committments. Maybe its because she is young, maybe because she has been burned before. Encourage her to talk to her parents more about these fears, and maybe a small group leader at church or something. I say back off a bit and see how she reacts. Once one of you starts dating someone else, there goes the intimate best friend status. Or... if you two date again, look out for her ongoing committment issues.

Play it smart my friend, and do not awaken love before its time. Be patient and go SLOW!!!!

 

[GeistAufHorizont]

btw in case yall are wondering im 19 shes 18

 

[Surfungus]

It is hard for guys and girls to be just friends. I used to think it was easily possible, but I noticed that whenever a guy and gal are pals, one of them almost always wants to be more than friends. I had a jealousy problem with the girl I love with all my heart. She always had a ton of guys that were "just friends", and while I knew she was not interested in anything other than a friendship with them, I knew they were interested in much more with her. This was really hard on me, and hurt me a lot. In fact it still does.

I can only think of one time it has actually worked out with a guy and girl being friends. It is with the first girl I ever asked on a date. I was so nervous, but I finally got the courage to ask her out, but then a week later she gave me the "I don't feel that way about you, but we can still be friends" speech. But it actually happened. After our week of "dating" it was very easy to see that nothing would ever happen between us, but we still remain very close friends to this day. (almost four years now).

I think I got off topic there, but all you can do is let her know how you feel and then wait for her to look into her heart and see if she feels the same. It's hard, and I hope things work out for the both of you.

 

[GeistAufHorizont]

Im just afriad to lose my best friend over someone else. We talk about everything and we hang out all the time and shes always flirting with me....i guess rite now im almost as confused as she is lol

 

[Surfungus]

I defnitely know that fear of losing someone you love to someone else. It's really hard to get through. I've got it now.

 

[Thornado]

Don't expect the friendship to last the way it is now. That is not exactly uplifting, but thats the way it is. Guys and girls cannot be just friends. Some people will tell you otherwise.

I'm starting to think that my sole purpose on this forum is to quote Meg Ryan movies at appropriate (and sometimes unappropriate) times, so here goes (in the Christian setting, the sex part should be read less litterary, but...).

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

So... On a more serious note though. I *do* believe that it is possible for men and women to be "just" friends and I know of such cases. There might be cases where it's really hard for it to work out, and other where it might work just great. As with everything else, it completely depends on the persons involved and other circumstances...

 

[Thornado]

...

 

[GeistAufHorizont]

Im not worried about being her friend.....cause we are best friends rite now....despite how i feel for her and everything thats all secondary to my desire to just be her friend even if we were still dating.....i just want to know how shes feeling rite now or what is going through her mind

 

[Thornado]

Im not worried about being her friend.....cause we are best friends rite now....despite how i feel for her and everything thats all secondary to my desire to just be her friend even if we were still dating.....i just want to know how shes feeling rite now or what is going through her mind

I think I kinda understand what you mean. (I just couldn't stop myself from quoting that movie when I saw the opportunity... Yes, I know... I'm a sucker for romantic comedies and know *way* too much about them. )
Unfortunately, figuring out what is going on in a woman's mind isn't the easiest of things... If anyone out there has figured out a way for us guys to understand that, please let the rest of us know, we will be eternally grateful. When I was going through a kinda similar thing (we were never dating or anything like that, but she let me know right away that she was only interested in me as a friend), I had the good fortune of her actually realizing that women are hard to figure out, so she could translate at least parts of it to "male speak".

 

[mathias1979]

Well it's probably best you don't profess your love for her right now, because more than likely that will just scare her more. Just let her know she can talk to you about whatever, even if it might be something that will hurt you. Or an even better idea, if you really value her friendship that much, then you'll just end the idea of something romantic between you two The longer you drag an akward situation out, the harder it will be to go back to being just friends. That may not be what you want to do...but you've got to decide. Do you really think you've got a good chance at making a romantic relationship work forever? Because if you try for an extende period of time and it fails, then it's going to be very difficult to resume your friendship on the level that it has been. But if you accept the fact that the romance may just be temporary, then just suck it up and deal with the romantic feelings and remain just friends until the feelings pass.

I don't think it's impossible to be friends with the opposite sex, but it is difficult. At some point one of them or both of them will mistake the close friendship for something more. But if both can get past that stage and see the reasons why you aren't meant to be anything more...then you can resume the friendship. This is what happened with most of the girls I have as friends...but we've gotten past that infatuation stage and accept that we're only meant to be friends.

So again the decision...friend for life? Or potential soul-mate worthy of marriage? Now start praying

-Matt

 

[desi]

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."
Seven Pillars of Wisdom, Lawrence of Arabia

 

[DaveKerwin]

Im not worried about being her friend.....cause we are best friends rite now....despite how i feel for her and everything thats all secondary to my desire to just be her friend even if we were still dating.....i just want to know how shes feeling rite now or what is going through her mind

I am telling you man, don't expect the same level of friendship from her that you would from a best guy friend. Save intimate friendships for other males. Again, your aggressive friendship persuits should be towards your GUY friends, you will learn this eventually.

I really liked a girl who denied me a date. I continued to persue her for a year, and I finally got that date. I married her two weeks ago. If after a long persuit, she still would not have gone out with me, I would have just let her go. Fortunately, she got to know me better and trust me, and it all worked out. We are best friends NOW, but no way would I have been best friends with her then.

Here is the point: If you are crazy about this girl, then win her heart. The friendship will be a natural by-product, so don't concern yourself so much with that. This is about ROMANCE, so go after her heart. Trust me dude, all this is from experience.

 

[bliz]

Men and women *can* be friends - at least Christian men and women can. I do not consider any of my friends of either gender to be "just" as in "just friends" like those friendships are some lesser relationship and they are expendable.

Do I think that two people who were dating can be friends shortly after breaking up? NO!!! I think that is one of the myths of the day that couples tell themselves and I think it creates a lot of problems. Guve yourself time to seperate and heal. I don't care how amicable you were, there are things that need to heal.

But to say that the power of sex is so great that men and women cannot care for one another, pray for one another and do some things together, seems to mean to limit the power of God. Is sex stronger than God?

There are unique complications to male/female friendships to be sure. I love to read Romans 16 - it is a laundry list of people Paul would like to be remembered to, men and women with whom he worked; friends in the Lord.

 

[SirKenin]

I have a friend, a female friend, who just so happens to be my best friend in the world, apart from my beloved girlfriend (who IS my best friend). I love this girl to pieces. I'd stand by her side no matter what and do anything to ensure her protection and happiness. We talk for hours. I can tell her anything and trust her to not tell a soul. We can sit quietly at the water and not say a word, just enjoying each others company. We have many similar interests. We are alike in so many ways.

I will not sleep with this girl. I won't date her either. If I couldn't spend time with her, though, I'd die. I know I am with the woman of my dreams and I am devoted to her, without any question in my mind. I am very blessed to not have a jealous girlfriend. However, I value this friendship. It means the world to me.

Anyways, what I am saying is that, contrary to our friend's assertion, a man and woman can indeed have a deep friendship without going further.

I think that your former girlfriend is just going through a typical teenage moment. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she isn't at all ready to settle down yet and wants to play the field. I think she is trying to tell you that, in pretty much those exact words. I wouldn't cling to any thin threads of hope that she's coming back. It is not overly likely, IMHO, that is going to happen.

You may wish to move on and find yourself a new love. You are still young enough, there will be plenty more Good luck.

 

[SirKenin]

Im not worried about being her friend.....cause we are best friends rite now....despite how i feel for her and everything thats all secondary to my desire to just be her friend even if we were still dating.....i just want to know how shes feeling rite now or what is going through her mind

I mentioned it in my previous post, but I'll say it again....

She's already told you what's going through your mind. She wants to play the field. She's young and isn't ready to settle down yet.

The worst advice someone could give to you right now is to just keep your hopes up and be patient. That isn't going to happen and you're the one who's going to end up being hurt, IMHO, when she finds someone else and breaks the news to you.

Enjoy your friendship and consider finding yourself a new love when the time is right for you.

 

[GeistAufHorizont]

thanks for all the advice everyone.....we are just friends she likes someone else....i would love to move on and find someone else but unfortunatly i dont know a whole lot of people cause i stopped hangin with alot of my older friends a while ago and all i have left now is her and 2 guy friends who i rarely even talk to........i guess ill just wait and see what He wants