just kiddin'

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

THE BLONDE'S DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the whiteout.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?
A: She changed all her y's to k's.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a check book.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you make blondes laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde "high-5"?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A1: She didn't like it 'because she couldn't get channel 9.
A2: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What did the really dumb blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A: A woman collecting her thoughts.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!

Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to retrain them.

Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: FARFROMTHINKEN

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: What do you call three blondes, sitting at a bar, singing, drinking Tab, and eating apples?
A: The moron Tab & apple choir.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: What's a blonde behind the wheel?
A: Airbag.
Q: What's 2 blondes in a car?
A: Dual Airbags.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFO's

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.

Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q:Why did the blonde jump off the building?
A: She had just bought Always with wings.

Q: Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending machine?
A: Because she thought she was winning.

Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted!

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A: She wanted to write shorthand.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] go in front.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why was the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was throwing all the W's away.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

ron4shua said:

ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then, the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darnit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Click to expand...

Good morning,

Joke: The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’

The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’

The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

An old fellow sees a Church down the street from where he lives, that he wanted to go to. So one Saturday he walks in and sits down, and one of the elders comes up and says, "Hey fellow, Cowboy Boots don't go well with Church attire. Go get yourself some dress shoes and come back". So the fellow waits for 2 weeks for payday, misses Church, buys some dress shoes, and comes back the following Saturday in nice dress shoes, and sits down. The same elder sits down next to him and says "Hey fellow, nice shoes! You should wear a white shirt, and black slacks, instead of tan pants and a blue shirt during services"! "Go get yourself properly dressed up, and come back". So the fellow waits another 2 weeks for another payday, goes down and buys the clothes the elder suggests, but this time he had to wait three weeks because he did his shopping on a Saturday because he couldn't do it any other day. So three weeks later he walks in and the same elder sits next to him and says ""want a stick of gum? your breath is kind of offensive". So the fellow gets up broken hearted, and walks out the door, and sits across the street from the Church at a park bench and a handsome looking fellow in a White Robe, wearing sandals comes and sits down next to him in the park bench and says " You look bewildered son, what is ailing you? The fellow says "I have almost bent over backwards to get in that Church there across the street, and nothing I do seems to be good enough! I like that particular Church because it is close to my house, and after five weeks of trying I give up!" The Man in the White robe says "My name is Jesus son, and I have been trying to get in that Church for 20 years.....