just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get a milk shake."

 

[ron4shua]

An old geezer says to his buddy, "I hear you're getting married"

"Yes, I am!"

"Have I met her?"

"Nope!"

"Is she good looking?"

"Not especially."

"Can she cook?"

"Not really very well."

"Is she loaded?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, why do you want to marry her?"

"Because she still drives!"

 

[ron4shua]

A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.

"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.

"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

 

[ron4shua]

This old guy was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just got. "It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly."

"Really," said the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Ten thirty."

 

[ron4shua]

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

 

[ron4shua]

I Don't Want To Go To Church!
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

 

[ron4shua]

Before joining the choir, the director hands you this questionnaire which has been carefully developed by experts to find out how proficient you are. Read and reflect on each situation. Give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.



Question 1
As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:

a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.

b. Pretend you've had a heart attack.

c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.

d. Crawl to the nearest chair.



Question 2
You show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.

b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip your cute little self in with the rest of the choir.

c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.

d. Read Michael Cunningham's pamphlet, "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."



Question 3
You are a soprano, but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:

a. Glide right into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."

b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.

c. Stop abruptly, mid squawk, but keep your lips moving.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.



Question 4
During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:

a. Hum like your life depended on it.

b. Sing, "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon" in harmony.

c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.

d. Sing the first page over again.



Question 5
When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the e
Before joining the choir, the director hands you this questionnaire which has been carefully developed by experts to find out how proficient you are. Read and reflect on each situation. Give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.



Question 1
As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:

a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.

b. Pretend you've had a heart attack.

c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.

d. Crawl to the nearest chair.



Question 2
You show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.

b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip your cute little self in with the rest of the choir.

c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.

d. Read Michael Cunningham's pamphlet, "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."



Question 3
You are a soprano, but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:

a. Glide right into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."

b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.

c. Stop abruptly, mid squawk, but keep your lips moving.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.



Question 4
During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:

a. Hum like your life depended on it.

b. Sing, "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon" in harmony.

c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.

d. Sing the first page over again.



Question 5
When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the end of the Christmas cantata, you should:

a. Stomp hard on your neighbor's foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.

b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.

c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.



Your Results
Tally the number of a's, b's, c's and d's. Proficiency ratings are as follows:

4 or more a's: You will make a first rate choir member.

4 or more b's: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.

4 or more c's: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.

4 or more d's: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.

nd of the Christmas cantata, you should:

a. Stomp hard on your neighbor's foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.

b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.

c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.



Your Results
Tally the number of a's, b's, c's and d's. Proficiency ratings are as follows:

4 or more a's: You will make a first rate choir member.

4 or more b's: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.

4 or more c's: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.

4 or more d's: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.

 

[ron4shua]

The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Montana.
Learn 'em & remember 'em.

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

Rules for Visting Montana

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-94 go east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar, air conditioned tractors that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat Walleye & Rainbow Trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and A-1.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Vikings and the Seattle Seahawks and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards ---- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Montana State or the University of Montana. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks per capita in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Montana." If you do, you'll likely get your butt kicked.

 

[ron4shua]

You know it's July in Florida when:
Hot water comes out of both taps.

You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

You burn your hand opening the car door.

The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

You can make instant sun tea.

Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

 

[ron4shua]

Hurricane season runs from June through November. Anyone visiting Florida during these months can expect to turn on their TV and see warning news reports showing a white radar blob hundreds of miles away. The news reports will stress two points.

1. Don't Panic

2. This blob may be coming your way to kill you, or if you're lucky, just leave you homeless.

 

[ron4shua]

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for a hurricane.

It is standard procedure in Florida to wait until the last possible moment before picking up supplies. Be sure to wait at least long enough so you'll see a free fight or two between people trying to buy a years supply of the wrong size batteries for their flashlights because the correct sized batteries were just purchased by that other customer. It's so much fun to watch impromptu sprawls that are more realistic than those wrestling people. And you don't have to pay good money to see them.

 

[ron4shua]

You'll want to be sure to get a few chickens. They come in handy, not for eating, but to feed the alligators that will appear after the storm.

 

[ron4shua]

If you live in a low lying area, you'll want to have an evacuation route planned out. Evacuation Routes are the parking lots created on the local roads designed by the city council to be used by most of the people in a community while they use the back roads to get out of the city to higher ground.

 

[ron4shua]

Look carefully at your postal address. If it's in the state of Florida, you are in a low lying area.

 

[ron4shua]

Homeowner's insurance is often considered the most important preparedness item you can't afford. Not what you can't afford to live without, but what you can't afford, PERIOD. We do have a couple of tricks that will help you get good affordable homeowner's insurance.

1.) Find a house that's built using the latest building techniques designed to help it withstand hurricanes.

2.) Make sure it's located somewhere in West Virginia.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any area along the coast that could be hit by a hurricane, your chances of getting affordable insurance is almost nil. After all, insurance companies are in business to get you to give them money, not to give you money in case your house happens to be damaged. If you do find insurance, the annual cost is likely to be roughly equal to the construction costs for a new home.

 

[ron4shua]

In case those pesky news reporters do say the hurricane is going to give your town a quick whirlwind visit, you'll want to be prepared to cover your windows with shutters. Shutters come in several flavor's.

 

[ron4shua]

These are the 4 by 8 sheets of plywood nailed to the house that you'll see flying around during the storm. You can pick them up really cheaply off your lawn and garden if you're willing to wait until just after the storm passes.

 

[ron4shua]

These work well and make great sounds during the storm. It's especially fun to see people who've waited till the last minute to put these up because they get really wiggly.

 

[ron4shua]

If your house is paid for and you're willing to take out a second mortgage to buy them, these shutters can work quite well.

 

[ron4shua]

Along with also requiring a second mortgage, these new fangled windows are said to withstand hurricane force winds according to the salesman. Unfortunately, the salesman lives in West Virginia.