just kiddin'

yedida · Jul 1, 2013

visionary said:
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean
thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

This one too. Thanks.

ChavaK · Jul 1, 2013

yedida said:
I'm sorry, Vissy, but this one is rather offensive. It seems to group people all together: if you're having financial troubles then you must have been a goof-off.

I don't see if as being offensive at all. It is simply stating that people who support the redistribution of wealth can be hypocrites. That it's a great idea until it somehow directly impacts them in a negative manner. Then all of a sudden it's not such a great idea. You can plug in just about anything in besides redistribution of wealth. It's NIMBY coming into play.

I don't see where any group is mentioned and no one is targeted.
Think of the squirrel and the hare story. One person works very hard and the
other doesn't and wants to ride on the back of those who are responsible
for themselves.

ChavaK · Jul 1, 2013

Moshe, who's wife Rifka passed away a few months ago, was very lonely. He didn't have anyone to talk to. He went to a pet store and saw the most gorgeous parrot.
He asks the manager how much the parrot is. "Only $50" is the response. Moshe is
shocked. He asks the manager how such a beautiful parrot could be so cheap. The
manager responds, "well he talks all the time. And he uses a lot of bad language."

Moshe thinks this is the answer....something to talk to. He figures he can handle a little raw language. He pays for the bird and takes it home.

By the end of the week Moshe is frustrated. The bird talks too much and the use of bad language increased and it is just about every other word. And it's really bad language. All day long Moshe tells the parrot to clean up it's act, to no avail. The bird refuses, and uses the most offensive language while refusing. Finally Moshe has had it and chucks the parrot in the freezer. After 10 minutes he takes the parrot out and yells at it "Are you ready to behave yourself and watch your language?" The parrot, which has his wings wrapped around his body to keep warm, shivers and says "y-y-y-yes!" "And you will never ever say another bad word again?", asks Moshe.
"n-n-n-no!" says the parrot while still shivering. "But I do have one question", says the parrot. "What did the chicken do?"

dodari · Jul 1, 2013

yedida said:
I'm sorry, Vissy, but this one is rather offensive. It seems to group people all together: if you're having financial troubles then you must have been a goof-off. And that couldn't be further from the truth.
I've been working since I was 13 years old. I have always worked hard, sometimes not even having my own transportation. But I was never able to get the "good" jobs, the ones with great benefits, such as retirement! So I now live on SSD, and live hand to mouth, one month not running into the next.
There's hundreds of thousands out there like me. We didn't goof off. We went to school. We graduated with 3.0-4.0 GPAs. We worked long hard hours, and rarely ever called out of work. But life wasn't good to us.
We're not asking to be supported, just helped.

ChavaK said:
I don't see if as being offensive at all. It is simply stating that people who support the redistribution of wealth can be hypocrites. That it's a great idea until it somehow directly impacts them in a negative manner. Then all of a sudden it's not such a great idea. You can plug in just about anything in besides redistribution of wealth. It's NIMBY coming into play.

I don't see where any group is mentioned and no one is targeted.
Think of the squirrel and the hare story. One person works very hard and the
other doesn't and wants to ride on the back of those who are responsible
for themselves.

Well, Viz just posted a story, I don't have a particular problem with it, to a point.

So, absolutely it is, that I wish not to offend Viz, Yedida, nor Chava, but to merely cite something in Torah. Seems to me this "self reliance" and "rugged individualist" crap that America has had dominant thanks to the Calvinist/Puritan and others in the dominant self-serving culture influence is finally bearing its smelly fruit. A nanny state, categorically.

Anyway, here's the Torah quote:

Deu 15:7 If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother:
Deu 15:8 But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth.
Deu 15:9 Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee.
Deu 15:10 Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.
Deu 15:11 For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

(My highlighting per my opinionated opinion, of course)

Meaning no ad hominem offense to you 3 ladies, I just wonder how this Amerikka might have been had the wonderful Christian(Judeo???,haha) founding fathers actually practiced what their little black book and their little men in black preached.

Every Reservation and inhabitant that's NA in Amerikka is a living indictment against the brothel called the USA that dares to call itself a Judeo/Christian nation. What an obscene slur against The L-rd.

Custer died for your sins!

Just kiddin'?

Lulav · Jul 1, 2013

visionary said:

Vegan is a choice, having a disease that limits you to not eating gluten or else you'll die is not.

ChavaK · Jul 1, 2013

dodari said:
So, absolutely it is, that I wish not to offend Viz, Yedida, nor Chava,

I am absolutely not offended, but I disagree with you.
Just like G-d expects us to do our part, so should society.
We are not talking about poor people. We are not talking
about those who are starving. We are not talking about
underprivileged people. The story says someone screws around, doesn't work hard, doesn't try, which isn't exactly
in agreement with Judaism. The other person works very
hard to earn their good grades....

but someone decides that everyone needs to be equal. Therefore we need to redistribute wealth....or in this case GPAs Take from those
that have and give to those who have less. It isn't saying
that we do not give charity to the poor, that we let them starve or be in bad health, or do not provide shelter.

It is that some people think that everyone needs to equal. Period.
That everyone should essentially be on the same playing field financially...and materially.
That's is not how life works, it isn't what Judaism or Torah says,
and it is not how this country was founded...as many flaws
as it may have.

ChavaK · Jul 1, 2013

And as long as I'm on a roll with parrot jokes......

Martha isn't sure what to get her husband for his birthday. She goes to the mall to look around for some inspiration. She passes by the pet store and sees a beautiful parrot in the corner, sound asleep. She thinks a parrot would be a great present for her husband.

She enters the store, looks at the parrot and goes to ask the price even though she knows she won't be able to afford it. The shop keeper replies that the price is $25. She is shocked. How can a parrot as beautiful as that one be only $25, she asks the shop keeper. It's gorgeous, all the colors of the rainbow and of sunsets are in it's plumage.

"Well", replies the shop keeper "it's like this. I got that parrot from a house of ill repute. Everyone asks where I found such a beautiful parrot, and once I tell them, they don't want to buy it. Every day I keep the parrot it takes money and time to maintain it. Today I decided I was going to sell it to the first person who walked through the door. So you can have it for $25".

Excited, Martha pays the shop keeper, he covers up the cage to make the parrot comfortable during the car ride, and Martha takes the bird home.

When she gets into her living room, she uncovers the bird and displays it on a coffee table where her husband will be sure to see when he comes home from work.

As soon as the parrot sees her, it says "Hello, Madam". Martha is a bit taken aback, and just then in walk her two teen age daughters. "Hello!" says the parrot "two lovely ladies of the night!" Martha is beginning to think she made a mistake when her husband walks in. The parrot spies him, and says "Hello Bob!".

HannibalFlavius · Jul 2, 2013

Meh,.. better not.

visionary · Jul 4, 2013

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I’m a SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

visionary · Jul 4, 2013

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

visionary · Jul 4, 2013

Sumbich (Love southern humor!!!!) A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't.....but you know how bad that sumbich lies."

yedida · Jul 4, 2013

visionary said:
Sumbich (Love southern humor!!!!) A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't.....but you know howbad that sumbich lies."

good one!!

visionary · Jul 4, 2013

yedida said:
good one!!

You are most welcome... Now there is a reason to celebrate the fourth of July...... its my birthday... I bet you didn't think I was going to say that....

yedida · Jul 4, 2013

visionary said:
You are most welcome... Now there is a reason to celebrate the fourth of July...... its my birthday... I bet you didn't think I was going to say that....

Well, happy birthday, babydoll!!!! Have a wonderful (and safe) birthday.

Gxg (G²) · Jul 4, 2013

Yusuphhai said:
Lol, in Chinese forum, this joke was quoted to describe what kind of country China is, which claims owning the best political system in the world.

visionary · Jul 5, 2013

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing ?" The operator said,"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room.
"After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow. "The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.

visionary · Jul 5, 2013

Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

visionary · Jul 5, 2013

How To Give a Cat a Pill |

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve feline from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

visionary · Jul 6, 2013

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

yedida · Jul 6, 2013

visionary said:
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

lol! a good one

just kiddin'

Ruth Messianic, joining Israel, Na'aseh v'nishma!

להיות טוב ולעשות טוב

להיות טוב ולעשות טוב

1/2 Sephardic MJ--1/2 Lakota w/ #

Y'shua is His Name

להיות טוב ולעשות טוב

להיות טוב ולעשות טוב

Well-Known Member

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Ruth Messianic, joining Israel, Na'aseh v'nishma!

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Ruth Messianic, joining Israel, Na'aseh v'nishma!

Pilgrim/Monastic on the Road to God (Psalm 84:1-7)

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Ruth Messianic, joining Israel, Na'aseh v'nishma!

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