Just getting some things off my mind

[This_Beautiful_Grace]

This isn't really important to read. I don't need anyone to respsond - really it's more that I want to get what I'm thinking out and just post it somewhere. So, no one has to read this - It's honestly fine!

My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch for awhile. We've been together almost 9 months - and only being 16, this is the longest relationship I've had.

I feel terrible after church tonight. He doesn't think he has many friends. He does... it's just, he isn't commited to them. He doesn't follow them up - to make it a long lasting friendship. He's the kind of person who just has a lot of people he can go up and talk to and vice versa - (which I would class as friends) but... I think he thinks of friends as those that are really close. Does that make sense?

Anyway, lately he's started to become much better friends with one of my friends. I think that's great! But for awhile there, I couldn't help but be a tad jelous because I thought that he was becoming the 'better friend'. I kept this to myself for ages - but finally told him how I felt. He said something to her, and she told me she'd never trust him and basically made me feel that I am the better friend. That made me feel worse! I don't want to know that at all... I'm ashamed of that little jelous part in side of me, but I didn't want to hear anything about him not being trusted etc.

She told us how she was giving all her friends Christmas presents. Small presents for her friends in general, but special gifts for her better friends. Tonight my boyfriend got a smaller one, and I got a 'special' one. He didn't say anything, but I could see that he was a little hurt. Becoming better friends with her made him feel better - like he did have another friend. I think he thought they were fairly close. So that must have gotten him a little down.

I feel terrible.... I wish she had given him a 'special' present too...or atleast given me the same as she gave him - or gave us nothing at all. I'd so much rather be equal with my boyfriend. She is BOTH of our friends - not just mine, but both of ours and I am fine with that now! But, I can't choose her friends or the rank that they're on.

I have many friends, my boyfriend feels he has few... he always told me he had no friends. I don't know what to say, I just feel terrible for him. It can't be very good at all to feel you have very few friends... he really is a wonderful person - just he's the one who needs to follow up with his casual friends - then he would see that he does have a lot of friends.

I know the whole present and friend thing sounds really childish and stupid. So maybe this sounds really in mature and silly for those who are older. Were young, but our relationship and ourselves are not childish - but yes, we both do have a lot to grow up.

I jut feel so horrible because lately I've been treated him like trash. I've been really unfair on him. I guess I've had a lot of bottled up anger and frustration built up over the months, and now it's all boiling over and coming out of me. Unfortunately, he's the one who's getting it. I'm baring bad fruits right now and seriously need the Holy Spirit to wash over me and drown all that's within me, so I'll be praying for this. It's just not fair because he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. He is a lovely person. He isn't a bad boyfriend at all - it's just me. I'm confusing him so much and I know he must be hurting. This hurts me so much... I just wish he'd let me go so I can clean myself and not hurt him in the process. It's getting to the stage where I can't even look at him sometimes... I won't kiss him. I'm becoming very distant. I don't want to hang out with him - because we end up arguing and it's all my fault. I used to be such a nice and sensitive person - at least everyone told me that. Now I feel cold and selfish. I hate what I've become... all I want is God - to cleanse me inside and out and renew my mind. I wish I didn't have to hurt and confuse my boyfriend like i'm doing. He doesn't deserve this. Why won't he let me go?

Every now and then I see my boyfriend in a different light like I used to a few months ago when I wasn't such a cow (yes, it's true). I am seeing him in that light again right now. I love him so much it hurts. He really tries his best to please me. He is not the enemy and unfortunately, I am treating him as if he is and that he is the one at fault for me becoming like this. It isn't him at all. I wish he wasn't there so much for me to treat him like this. I feel so horrible!!

Well, I'm glad I got this out. No need for any one to reply. I mean, I'd love it if people said something, but like I said, no one has to read this. It helped a little getting this out. If anyone is still reading this, WHOA! Thanx a lot! I feel guilty for using up your time. - But thank you.

 

[lunalinda]

Well I'm replying, so THERE!

Anyway, seems to be a tricky sort of situation. I can totally understand and relate to how you feel. That nasty knot in your gut that you can feel when you look or think about the person you love and just want him to go away. And you don't know why you feel that way. However, the one difference between you and I is that I felt that way towards my EX-boyfriend. I became cold and mean to him after we had broken up. Was it because we were broken up and I hated him? No. It was because he still loved me. Or so he says. It was because we were broken up, and yet, still loved each other. But I couldn't stand how we can feel the same and then not be together. I purposely look for things to be angry with him about. I attack him and such.

I know that situation isn't at all like yours, but I just wanted to show you that I can understand how you feel. I don't really know what to say or what to guess as to why you might feel that way. All I can suggest to you is that you talk about it with him. Has he detected that you're being unfair/cold to him? I'm guessing yes, but yet he still is the lovely person he is to you anyway? Eh...but yeah, I think that talking about it with him can be helpful. I do think it's a good idea to pray about it as well. And though this is not at all what I'm suggesting for you to do, I'll share one more thing: For me, the one solution I had in preventing myself from hurting someone I cared about, whether he be ex or not (currenly we are good friends, and even friends I have no desire to hurt on purpose), was to keep my distance from them until I get my thoughts sorted out. Plus I'd let them know that this was what I was doing, and that I didn't want to take out any anger or frustrations out on them. I found that my anger boiled within me even when he wasn't doing anything to make me angry. And I just got so tired of lashing out. I often had to stop myself short when I was in the midst of attacking him about something, even if it wasn't relevant to the romance part of the relationship. Thankfully, he eventually learned not to push me into saying what I stop myself from saying. But I was sure to talk to him about it. About how I was feeling and why I'd do those things. So that's why I think talking things out might help. It's such a nasty feeling to purposely hurt someone like that, and I'm sorry that you have to feel it. But I'm glad you got it off your chest, and hopefully it will continue to lift up.

 

[sculpturegirl]

Beautiful faith-

Perhaps you didn't want advice, but this is CF- it is irresistable!

I understand that you want to be his closest friend and that would warrent some jealousy. If you find that you are not treating him well, then this could be a problem for both of you.

I was seeing a man for some time that I didn't really respect. Mostly because he didn't respect himself. He didn't have a lot of friends and no male friends, which ended up being serious trouble! Anyhow the less he respected himself, the less I respected him and the worse I treated him. I was astonished that I could treat someone so terribly. If he isn't bringing the best out in you and you aren't treating him well, then perhaps you need to take a break from one another as a couple. High school is a time for growing, having fun and learning, not to form serious commited opposite sex relationships. Give yourself some grace to grow.

Now that I am with Erik, my husband-to-be, I find that he brings the best out in me and we compliment one another in such a wonderful way!

May God bless you and heal you!

-Sarah

 

[Glorianna]

Beautiful faith-

Perhaps you didn't want advice, but this is CF- it is irresistable!

This is true. My main advice is to pray.

 

[plum]

I am in a similar place as you, TBF. I don't always treat my boyfriend with the attitude he deserves. He is being so good to me but I am giving him impatience and aloofness in return.
Part of this is because i can't handle this LDR very well. but God is so Good and is teaching us so many things together. So thanks to Him for that.
But I also need to be cleansed inside. I want to bear more fruits of the spirit. I'd like to do a study on them and find out what God is teaching me about how to gain them and display them... the correct ways