just found out....

[super mom]

i just found out that my husband of just over three years (anniversary on the 7th of this month) has had everything lined up to start the divorce process. we have been going to counseling for about three months now and i am at a loss as to wether i continue the counseling with him or not. i feel that most of the time he doe not take into consideration my problems during the day. when he gets home he sits down on the computer till dinner time then back on it till 2 or 3 in the morning regardless of what is said or done to get him off of the dang thing. when i try to talk to him about doing something that our counselor has recommended, a couples bible study group or a couples group and he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't want to be around other people from our church.please pray for us and that things fall into their right places, and soon as we have two young children 2years and 15 months and another on the way in feb

 

[Calliso]

I am sorry your husband is so inconsiderate. Have you confronted him about the divorce paper thing? Or was he the one that told you? And while I can understand being tired when coming home and wanting to just do your thing. Part of being married is making sacrifices. Should she expect her husband to do whatever she wants when he gets home? No but from reading her post sounds to me like he sits on the computer or whatever all night. I mean does he spend much or any time with his children?

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Marriage is about working TOGETHER! It's not about one person doing what they want and the other doing what they're told. If he wants to improve the relationship then he's going to have to put work into it and make sacrifices. If he doesn't want to do the things you want then maybe you could talk about it in counselling and ask him for suggestions on things you can do together. Being a parent is a responsibility you have to your child(ren) not to the other parent. Autumnleaf's complaints about having to be with his kids are really insensitive. As much as my ex and I don't get along we both jump at any opportunity to spend time with our daughter. No matter how tired we are or what we had planned. Your husband should want to spend time with his kids as well. I pray things get better for you Supermom.

 

[kanga22]

Super Mom, I'm so sorry about what you have to deal with. In my experience so many men don't understand that we are just as frazzled when we stay home taking care of the house and children all day. And sometimes WE would also love to ignore the world and sit at a computer or some other form of escape (like tv) and let someone else deal with the realities of living. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why men think it's okay for them to do this, never considering the needs of their family.

Have you talked with the counsiler about your husband's actions? How he ignores you and the children when he is home? How sad that he is talking about divorce when you are dealing with two very young children with one on the way. I just do not understand why men tell themselves that this type of behavior is okay.

I think you should continue counseling and put all questions, concerns, and feelings on the table with your husband. My own relationship is not good because my husband and I stopped communicating a long time ago. Part of the reason for that was that I was avoiding conflict. He doesn't fight fair - calls me names, throws things, attacks my character and beliefs, etc. Because we weren't able to learn to fight in the right way, our communication ended. You are fortunate that at least your husband has gone to counseling with you. Mine won't have any part of that.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[hope4today]

Supermom I encourage you to continue to see your counsellor and be honest about what is happening. Address the fact that he is not doing as was planned.
I understand how very difficult this is for you and pray you will receive the wisdom and strength you need to deal with the situation and make the best decisions for you and your children.

Do you have a support network? Are there people in your church who can help you practically and spiritually?
If so, I encourage you to ask for help if you haven't already. It's ok to ask and to take whatever support and help you can get.

PM if ever you need some prayer and encouragement or if you would like to talk in a more private setting.

Bless you and your family

Hope

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I'm always here if you need to chat supermom! This board is for support and I know how difficult things can get. I pray things get better for you.

 

[deliciousBass]

Your husband sounds exactly like I did before my sbex left. I would come home from work, spend like 1 hour with her and my son and then head straight to my online game which I would play until midnight and then go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. No time with my son, and no time connecting with her. I was severely depressed. It sounds like your husband is too, but that's not an excuse for his actions.

I know this sounds counterintuitive but some of the best advice I received (and didn't listen to) was to quit trying to so hard--stop fighting so hard for my marriage. At this point, it has the exact opposite effect that you want. The more you push the issue, the more he's going to pull away. People don't like to be wrong and they have a way of rationalizing every little bad thing they do. He's not just going to magically wake up and see things your way all of a sudden. In retrospect, if I were you, I would look at things much more objectively and businesslike. I would start letting him go ASAP and find out how to get child support, etc. He needs to understand the severity of what he is asking for and feel the consequences of his actions as soon as he moves out.

I don't know what state you live in but remember that divorce isn't an easy process in most states and is pretty long and drawn out. Time is on your side.... It's really as simple as you want to save your marriage, and your husband doesn't. Don't force the issue... It will only strengthen his resolve. But always remember, some people have to learn the hard way... In the meantime, you NEED a support group, family, anything to help you out with your kids and to make it through this most difficult time. Find someone to vent to and let it allll out.

 

[justsurfing]

i just found out that my husband of just over three years (anniversary on the 7th of this month) has had everything lined up to start the divorce process. we have been going to counseling for about three months now and i am at a loss as to wether i continue the counseling with him or not. i feel that most of the time he doe not take into consideration my problems during the day. when he gets home he sits down on the computer till dinner time then back on it till 2 or 3 in the morning regardless of what is said or done to get him off of the dang thing. when i try to talk to him about doing something that our counselor has recommended, a couples bible study group or a couples group and he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't want to be around other people from our church.please pray for us and that things fall into their right places, and soon as we have two young children 2years and 15 months and another on the way in feb

My advice... you square up your shoulders... you get strong... and you take that computer... and you throw it out of YOUR HOUSE!!!

(wouldn't see you on here... but it's do or die... )\

He does not have any right to do what he wants rather than build a family and a relationship.

It's your house, he's your husband, you have more right to throw that computer out of your house than he does to sit on it and let it ruin your marriage and family.

My daughter said she's getting a computer. I told her, "Listen, it's quite a world. The #1 problem with men and computers is easy access to pornography... then addiction. If he gets on that computer... and you are not comfortable with anything... please tell me you will not hesitate to throw that computer out of your house!"

Let me ask you this. If it was "another woman"... would you let her live with you? Or would you boot her out of your house?

That pc is another woman. That pc is stealing your husband from you.

I don't care what he says or does... you stand up for yourself, put your foot down, don't try to be nice about it... and throw it out of your house!!!!



I definitely personally believe my "no nonsense" approach... will work!!!

He'll either leave... or you'll rebuild your lives as his addiction to a pc... fades away.

And, really, in the future... don't put up with anything!

Command respect. People won't give it to you... if you don't command it... and take it like you own it and it's yours.



Good luck to you!

js

 

[justsurfing]

P.S.

I raised my daughter to be "feisty". I wouldn't let anybody tell me she should always be good and nice... no matter what anyone said or did. She's very, very well-mannered... but step on her... and she might really put you in your place.

And I love it.

You know, her husband was going to a bachelor party. And we talked. And I said that a married man has no business with any of these things that people excuse sometimes.

Oh, we agreed. And none of the rest of the wives (except one) or the fiance... would put up with any of this stuff. They know how to put their foot down and not put up with things.

So, they said it was going to be a rafting trip. That sounded "okay". Then they were going to a bar afterwards. One of the guys said he wanted to go to a strip club.

Every last one of the other guys was like, "No way. My wife would never put up with that." And the one guy was like, "Your wife would never know." And the guys were like, "I respect my wife. We're not going to a strip club."

And all the other guys that this one guy was nuts...

Why? Because none of these girls were raised to treat their husband the way stupid people tell women to treat their husbands all "nicey nice.."... and "then they'll be nice to you".

No, that's not how life works. People are not nice to you because you are nice to them.

It's an animal kingdom, really, for the most part. However strong you are and the respect you command because you know you deserve it... and you're not going to put up with their stuff... is about exactly how much respect you are going to get out of life and those around you.

We project what we expect.... and that's what we get.

I think you need to hang around with new people...

That pc should have been thrown out months ago... and he should have never gotten the idea he was free to do what he wanted... and you'd put up with it. Never!!!!

You throw that *** piece of **** out of your house!!!!

Why don't you just tell him how it's going to be.

Don't you ask him.

You tell him how it's going to be. You go to the Lord, you tell Him what you want. He will back you up.

Then you go to this man with God backing you up... and you tell him how it's going to be.

You take your authority... and you use it... in Jesus' name. You don't make peace with your enemies. You don't put up with ****.

He's going to do this, he's going to do that, and that's how it's going to be.

And never let these things into your life and marriage again... these things that from the get go you know are going to ruin things.

I'm going to be praying for you. Let me tell you what. I'm the kind of person... everyone follows. My bosses... well, I really won't say. They saw me going up the ladder... but that's not what I want.

But I tell you... I command respect... because I know who I am... God is with me!!!!

That's who I am: God is with me.

You just remember whose with you... know who you are as the result. Lord have mercy... no more being anyone's victim... or doormat... or thinking being nice is going to get you anywhere.

Put your foot down, sis. Put it down hard!!!



Note, I'm giving the exact opposite advice of a person who shall remain nameless.

That should be a leading indicator... right there.



Praying for you!!!!

And I'll take authority in prayer... cause I know how!!!!

In the name of Jesus, Satan I rebuke you and I speak authority all over this woman in Jesus' name... and I COMMAND HER HUSBAND TO LINE UP!!!

(now, if he's not a Christian, sis... not sure I can help... but if he is... God'll get him).

Be strong. Be brave. For the Lord thy God is with thee.

Love in Christ,

js

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Disclaimer: I am not you.

My ex-wife had an internet adiction. It was initially how she found aceptance, then she found men.

She had affairs with guys online, then an affair with a guy she met online.

Her computer destroyed her chance of being a mother. It was a symptom of not loving me and maybe herself or her children.

It may be that the computer is fine and that there just isnt love.

 

[question33]

Going for a divorce after three years seems awful trigger happy to me. And the judgmental side of me sees it as a severe lack of faith on his part. Seems like it took at least five years before my soon to be ex and I had a workable relationship with somewhat defined roles and boundaries. It takes time for people to get used to each other in a marriage situation.

Certainly there seems to be a huge lack of dedication on his part and personally I would see no fault in letting him go. I would say look at yourself and make sure you feel that you have done what you can do to make the relationship work. Make him do the poor decision making and keep the clear conscious for yourself.

And make sure you are prepared to do what you have to for your kids and yourself if he continues down this path. And try to have a support network behind you. I have been through bad times in my marriage with and without support. It's a lot better with.

 

[hope4today]

Supermom, I would suggest that you place AL on ignore if his posts upset you. That way you don't even have to read them and be hurt by them or feel that you need to defend yourself. You will find most people here will come along side, pray with you and encourage you to hear God's voice in this situation.

Bless you as you try to work through this difficult time in your marriage. Again, I encourage you to seek help and support from your local community.

Praying for you

Hope

 

[deliciousBass]

Justsurfing,

I think it's a little too late at this point to give her that advice. You honestly think that throwing away the computer is going to fix anything right now? He's just going to magically snap out of it and say, "You were right, I was wrong, I'm a changed man, let's stay together?"

I'm sorry, but I think that will just make things worst. And tell him how things are going to be? Man, that's terrible advice. That solution sounds about as bad as the problem and more than likely, he won't listen to it anyway. For all you know, he could be a controlling abusive husband and as soon as she speaks up for herself, he will go off on her and punch a hole in the wall. That man is addicted to his computer. Ever see what happens to an addict when you take away their drugs? You think her husband is going to be eager reconcile? They're already on the brink of divorce! You don't need to inflame things more.

At this point, I think maybe they NEED a separation at least to save their marriage. That's what turned me around. What I am saying is more from the point of view of the husband. Because I was doing the VERY SAME EXACT THING just over a year ago.

 

[sinneD]

This is a Support Sub-forum ​

This is not an area to argue/discuss/debate the ethics of divorce or separation. If you'd like to debate these topics, please start a thread in the Discussion and Debate forum. Please allow our members seeking support to use this area for just that. ​

I have removed a number of posts, and edited several posts that were in violation of this stated purpose.​

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