I've been married to a man with all the indicators of borderline personality disorder for 25 years and it has been very confusing. After recently reading "Stop walking on eggshells" I think it may be that he also has anti-social. I'm not sure whether a distinction has to be made but I am sure that he does not care about any one else's feelings about anything. I can't talk to him. Anything I say causes a negative remark or may even get him started barking at me. I wish I could explain this to someone who would understand what it is like to never be able to communicate with your spouse. He talks a lot; it's like to likes to hear the sound of his own voice, repeats himself a lot. Uses his cliche's a lot. He lies a lot and disappears for 3-4 days every few weeks. When he rages, I used to buy into it and try to find out where I was wrong, but now it doesn't make any sense at all and I can see something is really wrong with him. My friends are very uncomfortable with the subject, maybe everyone is. Anyone have advice on how to face the rage? Any advice at all?
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just figuring it out
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I may not be able to relate to your situation as far as having a spouse w/ BD, all all that comes with that.
However, I can relate to your comunication situation.
My spouse is the same way, and for one it's very frustrating, to not be able to talk with someone who is supposed to be your other half (one flesh etc.). I don't mind if someone talks a lot as long as they give you a turn. Even worse I don't enjoy a person only listening different times just to find something to use against me.Or, constant belittling, making it seem like whatever input you make has no value...yes I can understand how you might feel.
I pretty much have taken the same approach as you. I may still talk, but not about the important or personal things. Just like you for many years I've dealt with this and now thank God I basically give it over to God instead of trying to change them or make them "see the light" (but it doesn't mean now I feel "ok" about it).
As for me, prayer & worship has been a great healthy outlet to help me deal with my feeling over this negative aspect.
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madison1101
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I would recommend a psychotherapist for yourself. You need professional help to help you learn coping and communication strategies for you.
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cory533
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I agree that you should get couceling of course i have not done that myself so do as I say. The starting point for me has always been holding the line and making her accountable for her own actions. I refuse to accept blame for her failings including suicidal gestures: threats, attempts etc. If I let her off the hook or let her manipulate me I just encourage bad behavior. ok actually the starting point is prayer which sometimes has led to unconventional responces that have had good effect.
Lately I have been focussing on being a better husband by Biblical standard (not neccisarilly her standard) I can't lose if i am more the man God calls me to be wether DW notices or not.
Lately I have been focussing on being a better husband by Biblical standard (not neccisarilly her standard) I can't lose if i am more the man God calls me to be wether DW notices or not.
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DR RekLaw
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If i may say something here. Before i got on my meds i was like two differant pepole. (Boy i cant spell today) Anyway the one everyone saw is the one you are discribing. The other one was like one looking from the out side and wounder what i earth i was doing. The one on the out side could not change the one everyone saw. All i know i just wanted the one everyone saw stop. I dont know if this will help you understand more or why im telling you but i hope it helps in some way.
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Hi. I am BPD and I am often guilty of the very things in relationships that you are describing from your husband.
First of all, be very careful labeling him with Anti-social personality disorder as these types are the Sadam Hussein and Hitlers of the world. They have ice for blood and are mostly what are jails are comprised of.
As far as the rages and playing into them, I can relate to this as a sufferer of BPD. When I rage and "blame" someone for something that I perceived they failed me over I will manipulate the situation almost scarily to where the break down and admit a fault that really probably was just my overexaggerated need for everyone to be everything to me all the time and not necessarily a wrong-doing on their part. I push everyone away because my expectations are so high of people that nobody could ever really satisfy me. Its not them, it is that BPD suffers feel empty all the time. I know in my case I need people to respond to my rages just to feel that I have control over someone even if its just their emotions. This sounds horrible but it is not an intentional act. BPDers dont intend to hurt, manipulate, lie or cause anybody any trouble. We are like buckets of sand with holes in the bottom. We never feel emotionally whole and unfortuatnely it is people like yoruself that caught in the crossfire for thinking that if you love us more that we will straighten up or feel secure. If it was as easy as that, BPD wouldnt be a disorder.
As far as dealing with yoru husbands rages I think the first thing to understand is that he is not yelling at you. He is yelling because he has so much emotional chaos inside and it almost always gets dumped on the people BPD suffers care most for. Just realizing that it is a sickness talking and not the person who loves you is a very important first step.
As far as further advice, I would need to know what the rages are over to advise you on how to approach them. Even if you disagree completely about what he is raging over, you have to be understanding and if you feel that he is severely mistaken you have to at least let him know that is feelings are valid. he could be completely in left field about something but you have to let him know that as his spouse you value his feelings.
The goal here is to get him to look at the situation from a different perspective while still giving him the support that he needs because the feelings that he has are very real to him and to dispute them with him in a way that is not understand will ignite a small campfire into a forest fire because at that point he will be defending his identity. Emotions to a BPD sufferer is our identity. How we perceive life and the intensity in which we react to it is the essence of who we are. Arguing that or telling us that we are wrong is the last thing that you want to do.
It is very much like walking on eggshells with us and unfortunately after damage is done we do look back and feel very sorry for it. If your husband is truly Anti-Social he is an exception as APDers do not feel any kind of sympathy or remorse. They are incapable of it. They have no emotional reaction to anything that doesnt benefit them in some way and hurting you would not be an exception.
I hope this helps a little bit. I could give a lot better advice if I knew the basis of his rages. Message me if you need me.
First of all, be very careful labeling him with Anti-social personality disorder as these types are the Sadam Hussein and Hitlers of the world. They have ice for blood and are mostly what are jails are comprised of.
As far as the rages and playing into them, I can relate to this as a sufferer of BPD. When I rage and "blame" someone for something that I perceived they failed me over I will manipulate the situation almost scarily to where the break down and admit a fault that really probably was just my overexaggerated need for everyone to be everything to me all the time and not necessarily a wrong-doing on their part. I push everyone away because my expectations are so high of people that nobody could ever really satisfy me. Its not them, it is that BPD suffers feel empty all the time. I know in my case I need people to respond to my rages just to feel that I have control over someone even if its just their emotions. This sounds horrible but it is not an intentional act. BPDers dont intend to hurt, manipulate, lie or cause anybody any trouble. We are like buckets of sand with holes in the bottom. We never feel emotionally whole and unfortuatnely it is people like yoruself that caught in the crossfire for thinking that if you love us more that we will straighten up or feel secure. If it was as easy as that, BPD wouldnt be a disorder.
As far as dealing with yoru husbands rages I think the first thing to understand is that he is not yelling at you. He is yelling because he has so much emotional chaos inside and it almost always gets dumped on the people BPD suffers care most for. Just realizing that it is a sickness talking and not the person who loves you is a very important first step.
As far as further advice, I would need to know what the rages are over to advise you on how to approach them. Even if you disagree completely about what he is raging over, you have to be understanding and if you feel that he is severely mistaken you have to at least let him know that is feelings are valid. he could be completely in left field about something but you have to let him know that as his spouse you value his feelings.
The goal here is to get him to look at the situation from a different perspective while still giving him the support that he needs because the feelings that he has are very real to him and to dispute them with him in a way that is not understand will ignite a small campfire into a forest fire because at that point he will be defending his identity. Emotions to a BPD sufferer is our identity. How we perceive life and the intensity in which we react to it is the essence of who we are. Arguing that or telling us that we are wrong is the last thing that you want to do.
It is very much like walking on eggshells with us and unfortunately after damage is done we do look back and feel very sorry for it. If your husband is truly Anti-Social he is an exception as APDers do not feel any kind of sympathy or remorse. They are incapable of it. They have no emotional reaction to anything that doesnt benefit them in some way and hurting you would not be an exception.
I hope this helps a little bit. I could give a lot better advice if I knew the basis of his rages. Message me if you need me.
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cory533
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My wife says much the same . she sees the trainwreck comming but can't put on the brakes. Her first meds she said helped the outward symptoms but left the inside feelings much the same. the second meds control the outward better and she says helps the inward as well. sound familiar?
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Hi. I am BPD and I am often guilty of the very things in relationships that you are describing from your husband.
First of all, be very careful labeling him with Anti-social personality disorder as these types are the Sadam Hussein and Hitlers of the world. They have ice for blood and are mostly what are jails are comprised of.
As far as the rages and playing into them, I can relate to this as a sufferer of BPD. When I rage and "blame" someone for something that I perceived they failed me over I will manipulate the situation almost scarily to where the break down and admit a fault that really probably was just my overexaggerated need for everyone to be everything to me all the time and not necessarily a wrong-doing on their part. I push everyone away because my expectations are so high of people that nobody could ever really satisfy me. Its not them, it is that BPD suffers feel empty all the time. I know in my case I need people to respond to my rages just to feel that I have control over someone even if its just their emotions. This sounds horrible but it is not an intentional act. BPDers dont intend to hurt, manipulate, lie or cause anybody any trouble. We are like buckets of sand with holes in the bottom. We never feel emotionally whole and unfortuatnely it is people like yoruself that caught in the crossfire for thinking that if you love us more that we will straighten up or feel secure. If it was as easy as that, BPD wouldnt be a disorder.
As far as dealing with yoru husbands rages I think the first thing to understand is that he is not yelling at you. He is yelling because he has so much emotional chaos inside and it almost always gets dumped on the people BPD suffers care most for. Just realizing that it is a sickness talking and not the person who loves you is a very important first step.
As far as further advice, I would need to know what the rages are over to advise you on how to approach them. Even if you disagree completely about what he is raging over, you have to be understanding and if you feel that he is severely mistaken you have to at least let him know that is feelings are valid. he could be completely in left field about something but you have to let him know that as his spouse you value his feelings.
The goal here is to get him to look at the situation from a different perspective while still giving him the support that he needs because the feelings that he has are very real to him and to dispute them with him in a way that is not understanding and confrontational will turn a campfire into a forest fire because at that point he will be defending his identity. Emotions to a BPD sufferer is our identity. How we perceive life and the intensity in which we react to it is the essence of who we are. Arguing that or telling us that we are wrong is the last thing that you want to do.
It is very much like walking on eggshells with us and unfortunately after damage is done we do look back and feel very sorry for it. If your husband is truly Anti-Social he is an exception as APDers do not feel any kind of sympathy or remorse. They are incapable of it. They have no emotional reaction to anything that doesnt benefit them in some way and hurting you would not be an exception.
I hope this helps a little bit. I could give a lot better advice if I knew the basis of his rages. Message me if you need me.
First of all, be very careful labeling him with Anti-social personality disorder as these types are the Sadam Hussein and Hitlers of the world. They have ice for blood and are mostly what are jails are comprised of.
As far as the rages and playing into them, I can relate to this as a sufferer of BPD. When I rage and "blame" someone for something that I perceived they failed me over I will manipulate the situation almost scarily to where the break down and admit a fault that really probably was just my overexaggerated need for everyone to be everything to me all the time and not necessarily a wrong-doing on their part. I push everyone away because my expectations are so high of people that nobody could ever really satisfy me. Its not them, it is that BPD suffers feel empty all the time. I know in my case I need people to respond to my rages just to feel that I have control over someone even if its just their emotions. This sounds horrible but it is not an intentional act. BPDers dont intend to hurt, manipulate, lie or cause anybody any trouble. We are like buckets of sand with holes in the bottom. We never feel emotionally whole and unfortuatnely it is people like yoruself that caught in the crossfire for thinking that if you love us more that we will straighten up or feel secure. If it was as easy as that, BPD wouldnt be a disorder.
As far as dealing with yoru husbands rages I think the first thing to understand is that he is not yelling at you. He is yelling because he has so much emotional chaos inside and it almost always gets dumped on the people BPD suffers care most for. Just realizing that it is a sickness talking and not the person who loves you is a very important first step.
As far as further advice, I would need to know what the rages are over to advise you on how to approach them. Even if you disagree completely about what he is raging over, you have to be understanding and if you feel that he is severely mistaken you have to at least let him know that is feelings are valid. he could be completely in left field about something but you have to let him know that as his spouse you value his feelings.
The goal here is to get him to look at the situation from a different perspective while still giving him the support that he needs because the feelings that he has are very real to him and to dispute them with him in a way that is not understanding and confrontational will turn a campfire into a forest fire because at that point he will be defending his identity. Emotions to a BPD sufferer is our identity. How we perceive life and the intensity in which we react to it is the essence of who we are. Arguing that or telling us that we are wrong is the last thing that you want to do.
It is very much like walking on eggshells with us and unfortunately after damage is done we do look back and feel very sorry for it. If your husband is truly Anti-Social he is an exception as APDers do not feel any kind of sympathy or remorse. They are incapable of it. They have no emotional reaction to anything that doesnt benefit them in some way and hurting you would not be an exception.
I hope this helps a little bit. I could give a lot better advice if I knew the basis of his rages. Message me if you need me.
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cory533
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Erica , I apreciate your viewpoint though in some cases I would disagree about the valdating of feelings. it is a tightrope to validate the person and not validate the bad behavior. sometimes letting them hit the wall saves a greater collision later. However if you do not reward the bad behavior I believe you must store up positives in spouce before hand and after and be ready to greatly reward positive behavior and growth. remember also that fighting back can be a reward for bad behavior.
Erica do you have any sugestions on how to validate the feelings in a full blown rage without it being the payoff that encourages more rages because ,well , it worked.
Erica do you have any sugestions on how to validate the feelings in a full blown rage without it being the payoff that encourages more rages because ,well , it worked.
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