Just existing

[nyokiasheree]

Hi There,

I lost my husband three weeks ago and I am hurting. I try to be strong and to put one foot infront of the other each day, but I am failing miserably. People say that I am strong and that I am holding up, but I don't feel that way. All I want to do is to crawl into a hole so that the pain can go away.

My husband was not sickly, as a matter a fact since I have known him, he has been to the doctor three or four times. He would mention about chest pains since December of last year, but I thought it was gas pains or stress. As a matter of fact neither or us took it seriously after all he was only 28yrs old and we had plans for the rest of our lives.

How do I even begin to come to terms with the fact that my first love is gone forever. We were far from the perfect couple, but we shared a love that was so pure and genuine. Through the good and the bad times, it would be both of us there. Now when my phone rings I know it can never be him calling, but I am still hoping.

The last part of 2007 was tough for us and God had brought about a spiritual oasis in our relationship. We had started dating and enjoying each other just as we did when we were courting. I am thankful for this time of togetherness that God blessed us with, but I want more.

I know that God's strength is made perfect in this time of weakness, but right now I feel as though I can't make it. How do you deal with the first few weeks after the passing of your spouse? They say that time heals all wounds, but when you lose the one you love so unexpectedly, how do continue to go on?

 

[dellinw]

nyko, it sounds like you are in the first faze of unbelief, you are sorta in a daze-like condition. my husband has only been gone 8 mo, so i am a little further along in this grief process. After a few weeks, his death will start moving from your head to your heart. I am in that area now. It will get easier, but you never (I have been told) get over it. Do you have children? I was married for 43 yrs. and we had that special "soulmate" connection. The kind that says" I would do It all over again". I have been seeing a grief counselor and it has helped a lot. Call your insurance co. and see if they offer something. You may also need anti-depression meds. Go see your dr. I was on lexapro for a few mo. but developed a skin rash after dr upped dosage. So, I just stopped taking it. Grieving is a slow process. You cannot speed it up or go around it. Please see someone. Depression can set in before youknow it and it is hard to get out of. I try to stay busy, go to every event you get invited to. Ask for help if no-one offers. You church pastor could help with lining up counseling. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless
dellin

 

[nyokiasheree]

Hi Dellin,

No we did not have children. This May would have been 3 years since we got married. I do have friends with me and my pastor is very supportive, but I plan on seeing a counsellor soon.

Today I got a bit overwhelmed and angry at God. As I watch each person carry out their daily activities I started thinking that it is unfair that Karl is not here. We had so may dreams and we had sacrificed so many things and now he is gone. I remember praying for the chest pain and the day before he died at Bible study prayer was made for his pain again. I started thinking why didn't God do something. I know in my head that all things work for our good, but still the questions come. How did you deal with the first few weeks after your husband died?

 

[dellinw]

I went thru all that you said, your husband was tooo young. We can only see thru the glass darkly, God sees the whole picture.. I did ask a lot of the same questions, and that's OK. It was 8 mo for me yesterday and then today is Valentines.. double whammy. Just wake-up in the morning and say" Jesus help me to get thru this day" . try to keep busy, go to every prayer, bible study, support group you can find. just go to the mall and walk. I had to do this the first month or so. family and friends mean well, but if they haven't walked this walk, then they do not understand. things are easier now than 6 mo ago. easier but not better.. I was married for 43 yrs. so, it may take me a little longer than you, but maybe not. my grief counselor says everyone's grieving process is different. If you feel like crying, just cry.. sometimes, if I want to and can't, I go to cemetary. after I leave, I feel better. my hubby was sick with lung disease IPF, he was a firefighter for our city. got disease from fighting fire without airpact.. I really get angry sometimes. Our pastor last night said we need to "play the cards we are delt" and stop the "woe is me" . Of course, he and his wife just celebrated their 41 anniversary. I wonder how he would feel if she died. I know he means well, but my dad used to say " don't critisize a man until you walk a mile in his shoes". How are his relatives with you? my husband's brother lives about 50 miles from me, he has called one time around Christmas.. I am praying for you daily, just hang in there and trust in the Lord. God Bless dellin

 

[nyokiasheree]

Hi Dellin,
It is good to know that I am NORMAL. Yesterday, was a tough day for me but a wonderful one at the same time. At first I was so angry at God, not because it was Valentine's day and Karl was not there to share it, but more so because I felt cheated and I felt that Karl was cheated as well. As I sat at work furious the Lord sent a friend to minister to my heart. We talked and then just poured out our heart in prayer. As we prayed I felt all my pain and burden just lifting, it was wonderful - all I could do was utter words of praise and thanks to Jesus. In regards to your question my situation with my in-laws is complicated. I sense that they think that there was something that I should have done to prevent Karl's death. A friend of mine has encouraged me not to go down that path and I have been struggling not to so things are a bit strained between myself and them.
I called to make an appointment to start seeing a counsellor, will let you know how it goes after my first session.

 

[dellinw]

nyok, it sounds like you are taking the proper steps to start healing. about your in-laws, I think I would just wait and pray. sometimes we try to hurry-up and do God's work. It sounds like he sent that friend by just when you needed it the most. God Bless
dellinw

 

[In Memory]

I am also told that I am holding up well which sometimes hard to hear because inside of me is always crying for my husband. I keep going because my kids keep going and the Lord grants me the strength to keep going.
I think our husbands passings are pretty close to date. My beloved was Jan 10th 2008. He was 31.
The Lord will grant us the strength..

 

[singingwife]

Nyokiasheree,
I'm glad this was brought back up again. I had to re-read the date on it, because for a sec I thought there was another young widow, and earlier in it than me!
How have you been? For me it has now been almost 6 weeks. My life just seems weird. My dh was sick for a long time; getting sicker and sicker and only lived a few weeks after we finally got a diagnosis of cancer. Now it's a mix of being glad to enjoy doing things I was unable to do when he was so sick, but sad that he's not there do share it with me.
I'm sorry your in-law relationship is complicated. I've seen that in my dh's extended family, and as my MIL and I were comparing our grief as we knew he wouldn't make it(I only had 8 hours to know that!) I expressed fear that that would be the case here too. And so far it has not. We didn't have children either.
I hope to hear from you soon; to see an update there. I saw a counsellor once to learn how to cope with the sickness, but only once since his death; just to return some things to the hospital, and I saw her there. But I can go back anytime I need.
Praying for you, sister.

 

[AussieK]

I am curious..it has been 18 days and 1 hour for me. I would love to know whats going on in your life now and how you are coping.
My hubby was 46. He died of melanoma. He was diagnosed terminal in April and then died Oct 2nd. He was in excruciating pain as the cancer moved to his T3 vertebrae. Then he became a paraplegic. Double whammy. Every position was painful. He couldnt sit up, lie down or anything. I thank God that he took him as quickly as he did. He stopped eating for 2 weeks before he died. I nursed him throughout his illness and he died in our bedroom with me and our son present. Such a privilege to know I saw him go to heaven.
I am doing surprisingly well. I think knowing about his coming death has enabled me to process it better but I do not beleive it is better to have warning. The whole time is a slow slow agonising greiving. He is dead but he is alive. Its hard to explain. I think any kind of death is awful. I had a freind tell me that she knows what its like to loose a husband as she is divorced! Ummmm...no she doesnt know what its like and I dont know what its like to be divorced so its best not to compare. (I said nothing to her)
Well, I hope you are doing really well and holding onto Jesus. Our vows say 'till death do us part' You are no longer his wife, You have a new life to find and I hope you are working on finding out who you are now.
Remember, Gods plans and purposes for you are good not for evil and they are plans to prosper not to harm.
Keep smiling!

 

[nyokiasheree]

Hi AussieK,

I am doing much better as the months progresses. I am a graduate student so I had to take time off from school after Karl died. I just could not handle everything that was on my plate so I took time off and went abroad. This time away was such a time of refreshing and healing. Me being away from all that was familiar allowed me to rely on God more and to see things from another perspective. I still do not understand and have days that fluctuate but I find that that feeling of bewilderment and total confusion is not there as much.

I was very apprehensive returning home because I would be faced with the familiar ( for some persons the familiar may bring comfort but for me it is very overwhelming). However, God's promise to be my present help and my rock took me through. He alleviated my fears in such a way that I dealt with being home better than I thought I would. It is still hard to be in places where he spent alot of his time or interact with persons who he interacted with. However, I am trying to take it one step at a time.

I resumed thereapy with my Psychologist which is a painful process. My first session that I went to since I returned home, had me bawling and I thought that all my tears were spent. I am still grieving but I getting practical support as well as constant prayers from my loved ones.

I am really sorry for your loss as I would not wish this on any one. One thing that I know that helps is taking all of your feelings and telling them to Jesus. Something happens when I am at the end of my rope with no where to go - Jesus steps in.

You are in my prayers my dear sister.

 

[AussieK]

it is tough isnt it. I think we will always have moments. I went out with friends tonite for the first time since June. They also invited a divorcee (I didnt know) although I knew it wasnt a set-up, I still felt like fresh meat. I always said I would re-marry and I will but tonite was awful. All I wanted to do was climb into my husbands protective arms and be cuddled. I wanted him to claim me and say she's mine!
i feel very vulnerable at the mo as I want desperately to be cuddled yet only by Brendan.
Its a road and I have no intentions of detouring. I'm at home now, alone and I'm going to bed in a minute, alone and I'll wake up alone.
I have to become comfortable with my new position but boy its hard!
Thanks for sharing

 

[nyokiasheree]

Right now I can't really think of starting another relationship. For me I felt as though my identity was entwined in my marriage and I have to be sorting through and rediscovering who I really am. It is a scary yet exciting process and until I am able to reclaimed my identity then I would not even think about getting into another relationship.