Just cannot do it any longer / long thread I am sorry

[Job3315]

I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

Baptized in the Spirit?

 

[Chinchilla]

I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.

You can do all of these and not be Christian , Christian is person who is born again it's not of works Ephesians 2:8-9

I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.

I'm glad you failed and God healed your body so you are alive today . That means God has purpose for your life and you aren't done yet .

I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person.

You are not good person .

Matthew 19:17 King James Version (KJV)
17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

Romans 3:10 King James Version (KJV)
10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:
Romans 3:23 King James Version (KJV)
23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.

Sad to hear this , people who were "your friends" probably never were friends to begin with but they simply used to because you had money or connections which could give them something , as fast as that was gone they simply left .It's not really your fault .

I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results.

Ask yourself these questions :

1) How many souls did I win in my lifetime ?

Mark 16:15-16 King James Version (KJV)
15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

Definition of Gospel is 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

2) What did I do wrong so God had to punish me this way ?
Hebrews 12:6-9 King James Version (KJV)
6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.

9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?

3) Why am I depressed ? If I consider myself having eternal life why do I keep being sad , what is the cause of it ? Sadness is temporary , be it 20-40 years it's still nothing compared to eternity as King and Priest of most high God .

 

[Heart2Soul]

I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

I have already responded to you but I came back and read your post again.....I know why you may be so depressed.....you have based your happiness on your success.....and when that success started crumbling you begin to lose your self worth, self-esteem. I did this for so many years.....my self esteem and self worth came from my success and the more I succeeded the happier I was until it all came crumbling down....I went into a 12 year wilderness of depression and despair....God was so distant to me.....I have found that by making my success as my basis of my joy I put my faith in myself and not on Him......I had to lose those things in order to see just how dependent I really am on Him.

 

[Doug Melven]

You are in a battle and lately depression has been doing a number on you.
Hannah Kerr wrote this song specifically for people who are dealing with an illness. So pay attention to the words and fight the good fight against depression.

 

[Heart2Soul]

This is good as well! HE IS A WAYMAKER!

He is the waymaker, miracle worker, the promise keeper, light in the darkness! My God that is who you are!

 

[SSL]

Baptized in the Spirit?

What do you mean. Was I baptized, yes. At an age where I knew the purpose and meaning.

 

[SSL]

I have already responded to you but I came back and read your post again.....I know why you may be so depressed.....you have based your happiness on your success.....and when that success started crumbling you begin to lose your self worth, self-esteem. I did this for so many years.....my self esteem and self worth came from my success and the more I succeeded the happier I was until it all came crumbling down....I went into a 12 year wilderness of depression and despair....God was so distant to me.....I have found that by making my success as my basis of my joy I put my faith in myself and not on Him......I had to lose those things in order to see just how dependent I really am on Him.

I would give up everything I have to be happy. I am not a materialist. I have a nice home I am thankful for. I always have food. But I am far, far from being well off. I struggle to pay bills like everyone else. I just want to feel joy and happiness again. Its been so long.

 

[SSL]

You can do all of these and not be Christian , Christian is person who is born again it's not of works Ephesians 2:8-9



I'm glad you failed and God healed your body so you are alive today . That means God has purpose for your life and you aren't done yet .



You are not good person .

Matthew 19:17 King James Version (KJV)
17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

Romans 3:10 King James Version (KJV)
10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:
Romans 3:23 King James Version (KJV)
23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;



Sad to hear this , people who were "your friends" probably never were friends to begin with but they simply used to because you had money or connections which could give them something , as fast as that was gone they simply left .It's not really your fault .





Ask yourself these questions :

1) How many souls did I win in my lifetime ?

Mark 16:15-16 King James Version (KJV)
15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

Definition of Gospel is 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

2) What did I do wrong so God had to punish me this way ?
Hebrews 12:6-9 King James Version (KJV)
6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.

9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?

3) Why am I depressed ? If I consider myself having eternal life why do I keep being sad , what is the cause of it ? Sadness is temporary , be it 20-40 years it's still nothing compared to eternity as King and Priest of most high God .

Do I consider myself without sin. No of course not. I am familiar with the verse , there is none worthy, no not one.
But, I love my neighbor, I love my God with all my heart and soul (I admit its failing now). I do consider myself a good person. I am not without sin. But I serve at my church, I treat people well, so yes. I do think I am a good person. I try hard, very hard to have faith. Without question, but with all I have gone through, and the length of time I have suffered. It makes it very difficult. 15 years without joy, or happiness. Nothing to look forward to. I am lost, I am very tired. I pray. I pray and pray till I cry. I ask for guidance, for wisdom, to be filled with the spirit. I know I am not in control, I know I need help. I am not an egotistical person. I am not afraid to ask for help. I don't just read my Bible, I study it. I try as hard as I can to learn, to grow. My entire life I have never, never felt close to God. I see people who are just walking on clouds because of their faith and journey. I want that so bad. But after many many years. I feel no closer to God now, than I did 15 years ago. I want to know the secret, what is the secret I am missing? I try so, so hard to be as good a christian as I can. I have brought people to church. I have gone on retreats. I don't know what to do. I am afraid. I am.

 

[Heart2Soul]

I would give up everything I have to be happy. I am not a materialist. I have a nice home I am thankful for. I always have food. But I am far, far from being well off. I struggle to pay bills like everyone else. I just want to feel joy and happiness again. Its been so long.

Sorry I wasn't implying you were materialistic but rather an overachiever who needs desperately to successfully achieve their goals.
This may be a case of clinical chronic depression.....have you had your thyroid checked? Hormone imbalance can cause depression...I would love to be there and just start speaking day after day God's Word over you...reading it is one thing but hearing it is where your faith is ignited....hmmmm this is a good thought....put on a set of head phones and listen to positive audios of whatever you like. Music is used a lot in hospitals as a form of treatment and therapy for stress, anxiety and depression....DONT WATCH THE NEWS!!!! Find a neighbor or anyone nearby and be involved in helping them in their needs.....this is excellent therapy....helping others....it takes the focus off of yourself. My heart feels for you. My past ways of dealing with depression was drugs and alcohol....would consume until I passed out....this was after my husband died...he died in his sleep at the age of 52. When I woke up to get ready for work I looked at him and realized he didn't look right....couldn't get that out of my head for months....BUT this is NOT the answer....the only way to start healing is to take action....start with what you feel you can achieve for today and only today.....don't think about tomorrow. (Scriptural) Don't make huge goals for yourself that could possibly fail.

 

[Heart2Soul]

This is a good thought and read....

The Prayer of Jabez, 1 Chronicles 4:10 :

“Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.”



Five Lessons Jabez Teaches Us When Asking of God

1. The very first thing Scripture tells us about Jabez is that he cried to the God of Israel. Jabez states God’s lordship and headship over his life. When you pray, begin by acknowledging who God is!



2. “That you would bless me” Jabez not only recognizes God as the one and only true God, he also acknowledges that blessings come from God alone. Are you chasing broken promises and blessings that the world tries to entice you with? Are you striving toward prosperity on your own strength? When you pray, do it with a heart fully invested in the blessings of God.

3. “that you would multiply my territory” – Many think that Jabez is simply referring to physical land when asking to multiply territory. However, if we look at the lineage of Jabez we can understand that he is not merely speaking in terms of wealth and prosperity but in terms of impacting the kingdom of God. He wanted his spiritual territory to increase, to claim generations for the Lord of Israel. Do you need to claim or reclaim some of the land Satan has taken from you? When you pray, ask God to multiply your territory and to do more through you!

4. “your hand be with me” – Jabez wanted God to be in every moment of his day. He understood the power of God’s hand to protect and to lead in the right direction. Blessings will become curses if it is not God's hand providing and guiding. When you pray, request more than blessings and provision but that God’s hand would lead you through any circumstances and trials that come your way. THAT is the greatest blessing.

5. “keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain” The name Jabez literally means “born with pain”. His own mother named him this because of the pain she endured in labor! When Jabez prays, he speaks against the testimony of his name and lets go of the shame it covered him in. When you pray, come to God vulnerable and ready for Him to turn your weakness into His glory.

 

[Jeshu]

Do I consider myself without sin. No of course not. I am familiar with the verse , there is none worthy, no not one.
But, I love my neighbor, I love my God with all my heart and soul (I admit its failing now). I do consider myself a good person. I am not without sin. But I serve at my church, I treat people well, so yes. I do think I am a good person. I try hard, very hard to have faith. Without question, but with all I have gone through, and the length of time I have suffered. It makes it very difficult. 15 years without joy, or happiness. Nothing to look forward to. I am lost, I am very tired. I pray. I pray and pray till I cry. I ask for guidance, for wisdom, to be filled with the spirit. I know I am not in control, I know I need help. I am not an egotistical person. I am not afraid to ask for help. I don't just read my Bible, I study it. I try as hard as I can to learn, to grow. My entire life I have never, never felt close to God. I see people who are just walking on clouds because of their faith and journey. I want that so bad. But after many many years. I feel no closer to God now, than I did 15 years ago. I want to know the secret, what is the secret I am missing? I try so, so hard to be as good a christian as I can. I have brought people to church. I have gone on retreats. I don't know what to do. I am afraid. I am.

i'm hearing you brother and my heart goes out to you. The answer is to operate out of the love you have for God and people and apply it to yourself. This is the secret of a happy life with God - eat His grace when you fall, and operate with a clear conscience because of Christ, and love Him, other, as well as self and 'dine' on the Word daily.

It is about knowing His loving more so than feeling His love though, especially when we are in the pit we need to be aware of that. When i was in my pit i couldn't feel any loving emotions just and empty hole where love - (good life) used to be. Longing after love though, thirsting after it even.

This is why the Word is so powerful in lifting us above our misery when we go through a hard time. When we read and believe - when we put our faith and trust in His love - then good life begins to flood back in straight away even if bad life persists. Amazing how that goes. Honest brother Jesus can make good come out of bad it are those times that our faith is rewarded and we can survive the onslaught.

i listen only to Scriptural music when i'm depressed - all day long! i love those bands and individual singers who dared putting the word to music - it is so very helpful when reading becomes impossible because of depression to still hear The Word sung on a daily basis. It is about staying IN God's loving truth and out of the lies our depression bombards us with.

i like to share you a song of my favourite Scriptural band - Sons of Korah - that these words bless you as they have blessed me even today.

 

[Tempura]

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry man.

I was deeply depressed for many years. I lost the women I loved, although I was never married, and I had to quit working as well. I "treated" my condition in all the wrong ways too, I was an alcoholic and I abused pills. The despair and loneliness was crushing, even if there were other people around. I went through a lot of treatments, meds and therapy, hospitals too (some of it worked though, even though it took a long time, and even if some of it didn't help. Seek professional help, please).

I isolated myself. I always remember a moment where I just couldn't take it anymore. So I was there thinking that even if I don't want to, I have to kill myself, because the pain was too much. But I broke down and prayed instead. It was like I was a complete failure, a waste of human being, just a naked wreck praying to God with all my lack of faith. And even if I didn't realize it then, that was a turning point for me. It was the point where I started to break down the barricades I had put up. Barricades against God's love. I was never against God's love, I just didn't really think it was real, or that I could have anything to do with it in my lowly condition, since all I felt was darkness, despair and filth. I guess I had to find out the hard way, it's like I had to break down completely in order to understand something, to go to God with a different mind and heart, to fully realize I can't do this alone at all.

I'm not saying this is what people should do, or that everyone must suffer a lot, or that you haven't been broken down enough - you sure have. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: in the deepest pits of despair, God is very close. When we're desperate, we're absolutely naked spiritually, there is no pretense. We're just completely lost. It seems you want to feel God in your life desperately. Be patient. He's there, right there with you. Christ knows about suffering, and he suffers with us. If these seem like empty words right now, you will believe otherwise in time.

When we're depressed, we're almost trained to listen to the bad feelings, because they are constantly bombarding us, and we can be blind to other things. Does it feel like the thoughts your depression throws at you, always seem like truths, while other (good) things seem like platitudes and lies? I was convinced a few years ago that it's the opposite: depression lies to me more than anyone or anything else. I learned to reject those thoughts. I'll take the bad feelings, because I can't help it, but I'm not going to believe it. I'm not going to believe these things: "You're worthless. Nobody loves you, and if they do, it's out of pity. God isn't real, and if He is, He clearly doesn't care about you. You're nothing but a loser. You're a lost cause. You can't even do anything good to anyone else. You deserve this. Be alone. Hate yourself. In time, hate everyone else. There is no hope"

I believe you're much closer to God than you think. You're clearly in need of His love and you're reaching. You don't feel it now, but it's there and it's doing its work already. If you have any "barricades" against his love, you'll tear them down, He'll help you do it. You are loved, and that love is relentless. Much more relentless than any depression, no matter what our feelings tell us. In the meantime, persevere, and seek some help as well.

One other thing: I've needed some people in my life that have gone through hell. Nobody goes through hell without pain, and I needed to see the ones who made it when I was in a dark place myself. Those people are amazing. They're not even really that special, just normal people: they fell into a seemingly bottomless pit, they got out, and I could see how peaceful they were. They didn't perform any magic tricks to get better. They weren't bitter. They were full of compassion. Just being around them gave me hope. They were living reminders that it's possible to come out of that pit. I call those people "little beacons of light". You'll be a beacon of light to someone too.

Said a prayer for you, brother. God bless you and carry you.

 

[Hazelelponi]

A couple of things. There are plenty of believers dealing with far worse than you are on a daily basis. Suffering has nothing to do with salvation or faith.

You may like to ask God if there is something He would like you to learn from this, or someone He would like you to help.

I know that because I live in severe pain every day (the most painful chronic pain disease that exists) I was able to be a shoulder which understood pain that my daughter could lean and cry on when she was dying; a time she needed it most.

Things happen. We can use what happened to us for good, or we can allow it to destroy us. But when we choose to live, then live we must. And life, my friend, is a gift..

Exercise, get plenty of sunshine, switch to a Mediterranean diet or one similar https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/diet-and-depression-2018022213309 , smile through the tears.. smile even when you don't feel it...

in short, do all YOU can to overcome. Then relax and go with it - and fight.

I was divorced and I went a good long time alone before I married again, and the payoff of that wait was huge as God sent me a wonderful husband who treats me better than I could ever have imagined, and loves me more than I could have hoped for.

Don't let anyone fool you, life can be hard... but with God at your side it's easier. You don't have to feel His presence, you DO have to rest in His promises and know that He is the same yesterday, today and always.

He loves you..now fight.. (the fight is easiest with the full armor of God on)

 

[SSL]

Sorry I wasn't implying you were materialistic but rather an overachiever who needs desperately to successfully achieve their goals.
This may be a case of clinical chronic depression.....have you had your thyroid checked? Hormone imbalance can cause depression...I would love to be there and just start speaking day after day God's Word over you...reading it is one thing but hearing it is where your faith is ignited....hmmmm this is a good thought....put on a set of head phones and listen to positive audios of whatever you like. Music is used a lot in hospitals as a form of treatment and therapy for stress, anxiety and depression....DONT WATCH THE NEWS!!!! Find a neighbor or anyone nearby and be involved in helping them in their needs.....this is excellent therapy....helping others....it takes the focus off of yourself. My heart feels for you. My past ways of dealing with depression was drugs and alcohol....would consume until I passed out....this was after my husband died...he died in his sleep at the age of 52. When I woke up to get ready for work I looked at him and realized he didn't look right....couldn't get that out of my head for months....BUT this is NOT the answer....the only way to start healing is to take action....start with what you feel you can achieve for today and only today.....don't think about tomorrow. (Scriptural) Don't make huge goals for yourself that could possibly fail.

Ty for your time and response. I have had my blood checked, thyroid, colon......etc. I thought maybe it was a health issue as well. But no. I read the word everyday, I try to study. But I don't seem to get anything out of it. I feel very empty, alone. I have no friends to lean on or talk to. Its what led me here. I do listen to Jesus Culture, Hillsong. I love their music very much. Lol....I hate the news. No worries there. Thank you again, for responding. For caring. It means much to me.

 

[Doug Melven]

I have no friends to lean on or talk to. Its what led me here.

You should check out the "The daily thread".
https://www.christianforums.com/threads/the-daily-thread.8058752/

W2L started it so people could spend a little time fellowshipping. I don;t think you will find a thread that has more encouragement and fellowship.