just another day

[Daylily_Blue]

Well, I guess it’s time to admit I have a problem. I’m nearly in tears writing this because I’ve thought this for so long and then talked myself out of it.
My normal day is go to work with a hangover; smiling and trying to hide the fact that I feel like a train ran over me and the tremor I have developed in my left hand. When I get home I have a drink in my hand before I get my coat off. (Usually 7&7 or rum & coke) Two drinks later I take a little nap before my husband comes home. He gets home and we go to dinner where I get at least 4 drinks there. We get home and I have 2 more before bedtime. (Jack & Ginger ale) This has been my normal day for a very long time. Even on the nights we have church I know that we’ll get back in time for me to catch up on the amount I missed.
I have even gone out and shopped for specialty cosmetics to hide the black circles under my eyes and cover the yellow tinge my skin has. I know which colors to not wear as to not show off the murky yellow tinge the whites of my eyes have.
I feel like such a fake. I pray for others all the time, have a great church life and am married to a great guy but at home I’m a lush. My husband tells me not to worry about it because it’s just job stress and he doesn’t think I have a problem. Even he doesn’t really know how much I drink a day. He doesn’t pay attention and doesn’t realize that 6-8 drinks a night is pretty normal for me. A slow night might be 4-5 drinks. But there is never a drinkless night and there hasn’t been for as long as I can remember.
I guess I have to stop. I guess I need to stop. But I’m afraid of stopping. I’m just so embarrassed and afraid.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting here. You can’t help me. I know that I have to help me. Maybe someday I will. I'll probably regret telling this.

 

[odeminkwe]

There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't know where to begin. Yuck, I hate the hurt you're going through and I know it all too well. I remember feeling completely alone, like there was no one in my life who understood me. I felt like I was constantly pretending to be normal, like I was hiding who I really was and if anyone knew what I was like on the inside, they would run away. I remember trying desperately to control my drinking, to not drink, or to drink just 2, but I failed again and again. I remember how much it hurt when I didn't drink, how tight my skin felt, how nervous and shaky I was and how I just wanted to scream. I was convinced it was awful being sober, that it was the worst feeling in the world. I came to the point where I knew I couldn't continue to live that way. I sought help. It hurt ALOT in the beginning, I won't lie, but over time, things got easier. Things got better. My relationship with God has grown tremendously in the time I've been sober. I feel as if I've been set free.
I am sorry that you are in so much pain and turmoil, but my hope for you is that the pain becomes great enough that you seek out some sort of help, whether it be treatment, AA, or counseling. Recovery is a beautiful thing and you certainly deserve it. If you would like to talk, please feel free to pm me. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[Daylily_Blue]

This means the world to me. Thank you so much. I've PM'd you.

 

[StrawberryShortcake2]

(((hugs))) I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[BlessEwe]

I did the same thing for years too. Going to church and my boys school hungover feeling like a looser.
I was afraid to tell anyone about it because of being judged. God did /does love you very much and I do know it was Him who saved my life. I will also say that I know I was pinned down by the enemy and he wasn't going to stop until I was dead. I would be dead now if I didn't take hold of Gods Hand a year ago. So much time the enemy stole from me with the guilt and shame of what I was doing.
God pulled me out of the pit hole I was in, it wasn't easy but it was/ is the most beautiful freedom I have ever felt. You would be surprised just how many suffer from addiction of all sorts in the church community.

You are beginning to make your first step by understanding that you are an addict.

It can go on like it has for you for along time being a fuctioning alcoholic, and then in time it turns into full blown 24/7 addiction.

I pray the Lord leads you, the enemy has no power over you anymore if you chose not to. You are right this is a personal journey between you and God.

 

[Daylily_Blue]

Well, I guess your supportive words have been the motivator that meant more to me than I even realised. Two days ago some family issues kept me from getting a drink that day. every time I tried, something came up and I had to say, "I'll get it later". Yesterday morning I was feeling as bad as if I had my usual 6 drinks. Again, when I got home family issues starting hit me left and right and I had to deal with them asap. Last night I finally got to bed after putting out 100 family fires and realized I didn't have a drink. Today is day 3 and I KNOW that God kept me so wrapped up in the other junk that every time I tried to get my hands on a drink something took me away.

I have reread your posts and thank you for your kind words. Please continue praying for me.

Friends in Christ

DB

 

[BlessEwe]

Well, I guess your supportive words have been the motivator that meant more to me than I even realised. Two days ago some family issues kept me from getting a drink that day. every time I tried, something came up and I had to say, "I'll get it later". Yesterday morning I was feeling as bad as if I had my usual 6 drinks. Again, when I got home family issues starting hit me left and right and I had to deal with them asap. Last night I finally got to bed after putting out 100 family fires and realized I didn't have a drink. Today is day 3 and I KNOW that God kept me so wrapped up in the other junk that every time I tried to get my hands on a drink something took me away.

I have reread your posts and thank you for your kind words. Please continue praying for me.

Friends in Christ

DB

2 days.... congrats....


Each day sober will get the body and mind conditioned not to drink/or do drugs.
Its not a easy road, but God is right there with you.

Just for Today, baby steps!

 

[Daylily_Blue]

I hate the way I feel...8 or 10 drinks ...what's the point. I'm sorry to disappoint you . I just can'
t do it.

 

[odeminkwe]

Keep trying, you are worth it.
And seek help!

 

[rdale]

...what's the point.

just another day...

Yesterday was just another day... Yesterday my little brother died. He died of alcohol poisining... he literally drank himself to death. I'm sure you can imagine how my heart hurts/aches right now. But you know what, that's what is left for those who must go on. Thankfully, I don't have to do that alone. I take solice in the fact that my brother was a Christian, he knew and loved Christ. He was also an alcoholic who would not get help.

The Armor of God
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=56&chapter=6&version=31

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

You have some hard work ahead of you, you have tears and pain ahead of you if you quit or if you don't quit. This comes to you one day at a time, some you will be weak, some will be strong... but it is your battle, and you don't have to do that alone. God can be your refuge, your strength, your hope in navigating what is before you. Trust him now. Praise him now. Give Him an air-hug and ask him to walk with you through this valley. Your needs/wants have not escaped His notice. Our God is a mighty God worthy of all our praise!

Please forgive me for sounding like I'm stating the obvious, ...what you already know. I'm trying to deal with this from the other side... and all I can say is: never give up, it's worth the price that this battle demands.

"After you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then".

 

[Hawkenman]

I was sitting at the school bus stop with my nine year old son one day, still shaking from the previous night of drinking, My son looked at me and said "dad I'll get you another beer if you need one". I remembered, my dad died from alcoholism, I turned in to my dad, and this precious little boy was going to turn in to me. Every hang over I had experienced seemed to flash back at me, maybe it was God's message I needed help. I am a State Police Officer so I called my supervisor and told him I needed help. His response was kind and gentle saying he never knew I drank. But oh I did, I had it hidden all in my state vehicle and everywhere in and around my home.(My wife does not drink) Well I went to d-tox where I had the DT's, and after an exhausting stay was released back to the world. I found AA and it really helps. I am not ashamed to say I'm an alcoholic, in fact I went to an AA meeting in uniform and the chairman said, "officer is there a problem?", I said no, I'm an alcoholic whether I'm in unform or not. My wife said, aren't you embarrassed? My response was, would you be embarrassed to have cancer? The first year was hell, but believe it or not it does get better. Every day I wake up there is no HANGOVER, that in itself is worth the effort. I wish I could social drink like my buddies but I can't. God will lead you in the right path when you least expect it. And if your husband does not stop drinking, don't fret, when you fell comfortable with your own sobriety it will not matter who drinks around you.

 

[BlessEwe]

Wow, what an Awesome post!!!! and Welcome to CF. I love how you went into the meeting with your uniform on, what a testiment!
Hope to see more of your posts! I agree the first year is very hard, but soon the promises of recovery do come.

Good Morning Daylily_Blue

 

[FireyAngel]

To everyone that prayed for me and lifted me up, thank you....I am Daylily_Blue.

I was so ashamed then that I used a sock account to post here for the first time. Since then I have read and reread those posts and taken them all to heart, over and over. You have no idea what a few supportive words can do to strengthen someone.
I have stopped drinking mixed drinks and rarely even have a glass of wine on special occassions at dinner. I look better and feel better. My husband finally DID notice how much I was drinking and stepped in to help me. He has been so loving and helpful. I even admitted my problem at an alter call and an elder prayed for me. I am free from the aching desire for a drink. I am free.

It was not easy but it's such a good feeling knowing that that overwhelming "need" is over.

I pray that God will place a blessing on your households and on you all!
Life is so much better and so much happier. Praise God!

All my love...to ALL the angels here.

FA
(aka DB)

 

[BlessEwe]

so glad to hear from you and the Awesome news!!!
You have come on my heart often, and yes I know the shame feeling too as well as the freedom from the shame.

Your being honest with God, Yourself, your Husband, The Church is an open door for Freedom, and there is no more hiding in the darkness.

I am so glad your husband is supporting you, as well as your church.

 

[Angeldove97]

What wonderful news!!! May He continue to bless you and help you through your problems. And I thank Him too for sending you a loving husband to help you through this

 

[MarkChristopher]

I was sitting at the school bus stop with my nine year old son one day, still shaking from the previous night of drinking, My son looked at me and said "dad I'll get you another beer if you need one". I remembered, my dad died from alcoholism, I turned in to my dad, and this precious little boy was going to turn in to me. Every hang over I had experienced seemed to flash back at me, maybe it was God's message I needed help. I am a State Police Officer so I called my supervisor and told him I needed help. His response was kind and gentle saying he never knew I drank. But oh I did, I had it hidden all in my state vehicle and everywhere in and around my home.(My wife does not drink) Well I went to d-tox where I had the DT's, and after an exhausting stay was released back to the world. I found AA and it really helps. I am not ashamed to say I'm an alcoholic, in fact I went to an AA meeting in uniform and the chairman said, "officer is there a problem?", I said no, I'm an alcoholic whether I'm in unform or not. My wife said, aren't you embarrassed? My response was, would you be embarrassed to have cancer? The first year was hell, but believe it or not it does get better. Every day I wake up there is no HANGOVER, that in itself is worth the effort. I wish I could social drink like my buddies but I can't. God will lead you in the right path when you least expect it. And if your husband does not stop drinking, don't fret, when you fell comfortable with your own sobriety it will not matter who drinks around you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Like yourself I am a professional who struggled with alcoholism. I have been sober for 203 days! And while at times it has been very difficult, I can honestly say that I have never felt better in my life.

Good luck and God Bless you in your recovery!

 

[Angeldove97]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Like yourself I am a professional who struggled with alcoholism. I have been sober for 203 days! And while at times it has been very difficult, I can honestly say that I have never felt better in my life.

Good luck and God Bless you in your recovery!

That's wonderful news! Congrats on your recovery and I pray you'll continue to work hard on it!!