Just a question....

[LovebirdsFlying]

Scenario: Child is expressing dissatisfaction about something unpleasant. Alternatively, Adult is looking back on some aspect of childhood that was unpleasant, and expresses dissatisfaction with it. Doesn't even have to be anything extreme. Just venting about some minor gripe, knowing full well it's minor. "I sure hated having to go to bed when it was still daylight." "I don't like black-eyed peas." "I wish I had my own room and didn't have to share with my sister." That kind of thing.

Parent responds sarcastically, with eye rolls and heavy groans. "Oh, you poor thing. You are (were) SUCH an abused child!"

Would you say this, in itself, is being abusive? Because I sure got that attitude to death.

 

[dysert]

No, it's not abusive. It's sarcastic. We have to be careful that we don't throw around the word "abusive" too much or it will lose its meaning.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Good point.

Better question, then: Would that kind of response be advisable? Is it harmful to the child for the parent to take that attitude?

 

[dysert]

Well now you're asking what it takes to be a good parent. I'm not sure I qualify to answer that ;-). I was sarcastic with my kids sometimes, and they've grown up to be well-adjusted, successful adults, so I guess my wife and I didn't mess them up too much.

Kids need to be taught what's a big deal worth whining about and what's not. In their world, not having the right tennis shoes is a reason to whine. In the adult world, getting laid off without notice is a reason to whine. Or losing your home to foreclosure. It's all relative.

 

[Radrook]

I would say that using sarcasm is counter-productive because it conveys the impression that the parent doesn't consider the feelings being expressed as important when the Child does. If indeed we sense that the child is being unjustifiably sensitive then an expression of empathy showing that we understand why someone might feel that way should precede any advice that we offer. Otherwise the child might feel insulted and might choose to keep crucial things that we should know as parents to himself next time instead of exposing himself to our humiliating mockery.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Scenario: Child is expressing dissatisfaction about something unpleasant. Alternatively, Adult is looking back on some aspect of childhood that was unpleasant, and expresses dissatisfaction with it. Doesn't even have to be anything extreme. Just venting about some minor gripe, knowing full well it's minor. "I sure hated having to go to bed when it was still daylight." "I don't like black-eyed peas." "I wish I had my own room and didn't have to share with my sister." That kind of thing.

Parent responds sarcastically, with eye rolls and heavy groans. "Oh, you poor thing. You are (were) SUCH an abused child!"

Would you say this, in itself, is being abusive? Because I sure got that attitude to death.

The child does not know in comparison to others what abuse is even worse. However one must not invalidate the feelings of the child. Just express that someone online went through spanking. It is not abuse however it is a harshest form of rebuke and that is love. Sometimes a child does not accept authority so the child will rebel away from the home only to find that life in the real world is not always "nice".

There is a difference between spanking and abuse. When you spank a child for something wrong done it is correct. However if you come home or get upset over a bad day and take it out on the child then it is abuse.

The child needs to feel heard and validated as a human being not as someone to belittle. Imagine watering the grass. It needs constant attention to grow. However if left unattended it withers.

Note: Thank you for helping me out with my real mom. So I hope to help you out with your daughter. However it is tough with me and my mom because she doesn't listen to me. She ignores me now a days. She's tired of listening to me. She only wants to talk to me when she needs something.

So my advice and that goes for myself is it has to be two way. You listen to your daughter and your daughter listens to you.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

P.S. If I have been somehow helpful it is because of Jesus Christ!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Some of the responses bring to my mind this article from Catherine Wallace.

"Listen earnestly to anything they want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

Who decides what's "worth whining about" and what isn't? To a child, your best friend moving away is a *disaster.* I suppose it's not necessary to give it the same serious attention you gave your layoff notice last year, right before Christmas, when you've got a wife and five children, but I also don't think it's right to tell the kid to shut up because your own problems are bigger.

You see, that's what I went through. "Feel free to come to me with your problems," my mother would tell me. "You can always talk to me." But when I did, "Oh, big deal, so they laugh and make fun of you at school. You think that's a problem? Well, listen to everything I have to deal with. You don't even know what a problem is." Her burdens were always heavier than mine, which somehow led her to the logical conclusion that I had none of my own to begin with. After all, she was the one married to an active, delusional, and violent alcoholic--and was apparently oblivious to the fact that this meant I was being raised by one.

I couldn't confide in her about the good things either. Casually mention that I think a certain boy is cute, and she'd laugh and bring his name up at every opportunity, forever afterward.

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why eventually I just kept my mouth shut and stopped telling her things.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Also thinking about the concept of minimizing: Not saying it angrily, but in a way that is supposed to be loving, and is intended to comfort. "Oh, honey, that's no big deal. It's nothing to get upset about." That does not make me feel comforted. You?

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Some of the responses bring to my mind this article from Catherine Wallace.

"Listen earnestly to anything they want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

Who decides what's "worth whining about" and what isn't? To a child, your best friend moving away is a *disaster.* I suppose it's not necessary to give it the same serious attention you gave your layoff notice last year, right before Christmas, when you've got a wife and five children, but I also don't think it's right to tell the kid to shut up because your own problems are bigger.

You see, that's what I went through. "Feel free to come to me with your problems," my mother would tell me. "You can always talk to me." But when I did, "Oh, big deal, so they laugh and make fun of you at school. You think that's a problem? Well, listen to everything I have to deal with. You don't even know what a problem is." Her burdens were always heavier than mine, which somehow led her to the logical conclusion that I had none of my own to begin with. After all, she was the one married to an active, delusional, and violent alcoholic--and was apparently oblivious to the fact that this meant I was being raised by one.

I couldn't confide in her about the good things either. Casually mention that I think a certain boy is cute, and she'd laugh and bring his name up at every opportunity, forever afterward.

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why eventually I just kept my mouth shut and stopped telling her things.

Some of the responses bring to my mind this article from Catherine Wallace.

"Listen earnestly to anything they want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

Who decides what's "worth whining about" and what isn't? To a child, your best friend moving away is a *disaster.* I suppose it's not necessary to give it the same serious attention you gave your layoff notice last year, right before Christmas, when you've got a wife and five children, but I also don't think it's right to tell the kid to shut up because your own problems are bigger.

You see, that's what I went through. "Feel free to come to me with your problems," my mother would tell me. "You can always talk to me." But when I did, "Oh, big deal, so they laugh and make fun of you at school. You think that's a problem? Well, listen to everything I have to deal with. You don't even know what a problem is." Her burdens were always heavier than mine, which somehow led her to the logical conclusion that I had none of my own to begin with. After all, she was the one married to an active, delusional, and violent alcoholic--and was apparently oblivious to the fact that this meant I was being raised by one.

I couldn't confide in her about the good things either. Casually mention that I think a certain boy is cute, and she'd laugh and bring his name up at every opportunity, forever afterward.

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why eventually I just kept my mouth shut and stopped telling her things.

Thank you for the article.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Well now you're asking what it takes to be a good parent. I'm not sure I qualify to answer that ;-). I was sarcastic with my kids sometimes, and they've grown up to be well-adjusted, successful adults, so I guess my wife and I didn't mess them up too much.

Kids need to be taught what's a big deal worth whining about and what's not. In their world, not having the right tennis shoes is a reason to whine. In the adult world, getting laid off without notice is a reason to whine. Or losing your home to foreclosure. It's all relative.

Well I read the article "LovebirdsFlying" printed and it says just little to the little things and it ends up building up to listening the big things too.

P.S. Hope you got the computer job you wanted.

 

[OJR]

In my personal opinion, sarcasm is often an excuse for being mean. At least, people who openly claim "sarcasm" as a personality trait. I know plenty who are nice and also throw the sarcastic joke around, but it depends on the situation.

From what you have said, it seems like this person was trying to hurt or cut down the other person, rather than be funny.

If I had a person in my life who treated me this way more than a few times without apology, I would put some distance between us.