Jumping in with my dilemma

[Wooglepums]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I came here looking for guidance with a struggle I'm facing.

First, some backstory.

Before my Husband and I married, we discussed children and we both agreed that we wanted at least 3.
We waited a year before trying, and then it took us another 2 years to conceive our son.
Right around the time he was conceived, my Husband and I were in a horrible accident that changed our lives and introduced Jesus into our hearts.
We found out 2 weeks later that we were expecting, and we knew that we'd been truly blessed beyond belief.

We decided then that we would let God determine our family size.

Following the birth of our son (he turned 3 in November), I suffered from postpartum depression. It was a terrible time and I still mourn the fact that I was unable to truly appreciate this blessing that was given to us.

I have since recovered, with the help of prayer and my wonderful doctor.

I was breastfeeding until about 6 months ago, and my monthly only returned about 3 months ago.


Here is where my dilemma comes in.

I am not sure that I can keep the pact my husband and I made. I'm not sure that I want more children.

I love my son dearly, but it was such a horrible time after he was born.

I haven't discussed this with my husband yet, but I have been deceitful. I have been charting my cycle and telling him that my fertile time falls at times when I am definitely not fertile, all in an effort to avoid the confrontation.

He desperately wants more children and I'm not sure that he will understand.


If you've read this far, I thank you for listening.

Please help me. Tell me of your experiences. Have you ever wavered in your conviction to let God determine the number in your quiver? Have you suffered from PPD?

 

[jgonz]

I Have suffered from PPD, so I know what you've gone through. And it Did cause me to question how many children I could handle... but G-d always worked things out and it was ok.

It's possible that the PPD that you got the first time was tied in with Post Traumatic Stress from the accident. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is Very Very real and affects everyone a little differently. Often emotional trauma will manifest after the baby comes~ especially since that is a "down" time for your hormones anyway. It's easy for things to get mixed all in there. I've BTDT, so I can relate.

It's also possible that it wasn't PTSS but a nutritional deficiency that helped contribute to the hormonal imbalance that causes PPD.

In either case, there Are ways to handle it should it happen again. There are anti-depressants that are breastfeeding friendly, as well as many herbs and nutritional supplements that work wonderfully and are also breastfeeding friendly.

I handled my first case of PPD very badly... and didn't do anything. I contemplated suicide, but because I had one friend who knew what was going on, who called me Every Single Day, I got through it. When my baby was almost a year old, the L-rd started putting herbal information in my face and I started experimenting on myself (lol). Turns out my thyroid was messed up.

I also got PPD pretty badly after my last baby (who's now 4). In that situation, I knew that I knew that I knew that it was my hormones being all out of whack... but I couldn't seem to fix it until I saw a naturopath who gave me some suggestions. I started taking Virgin Coconut Oil every day, which gave me the good fats back into my system (which had been completely depleted by multiple pregnanies and extended nursing), which helped my thyroid work better, which helped balance my hormones. Within a month, I felt better than I'd felt in a loooong time (and my baby, who was having growth issues, put on a Lot of weight and got back to a normal growth curve).

Anyway, I'm going on & on... I just wanted to encourage you that PPD is not the end of the world... it's not fun, but it can be dealt with.

However~ I do want to also encourage you to be Honest with your DH about your fears. If the 2 of you are in agreement, or at least praying about being in agreement, then the enemy won't have room to attack you (I'm thinking mind games or fear). I would bet that if you describe how you felt during the PPD episode, and be honest with him how afraid you are that it could happen again, he will understand. (Well, he's a Man, so he may not Completely understand, but he loves you and he's going to help you work through this.)

It'll be ok.

 

[Wooglepums]

Thank you jgonz. Your response has given me hope. I am still scared, but I'm praying on it, praying hard.

I've made an appointment with our pastor for this afternoon, and I'm going to 'come clean' with Jerry this evening when he returns home from work.

 

[Katydid]

I had severe PPD with my first. It was a long difficult labor and a full epidural, and then the baby spent his first 12 hours in the NICU.

I really believe that this is what led to my PPD more than anything else. After my second and third, where they were more normal, and I felt what was happening, I didn't get any more than the baby blues.


NOW , IF you get PPD again, they have anti-depressants that you can safely take while nursing. It isn't something to be ashamed of.

 

[Wooglepums]

Well, I met with our pastor yesterday and we prayed together. He urged me to talk to Jerry, and assured me that the Church would be there to help me if I chose to fulfill my promise.

I spoke to Jerry and he was quite hurt and angry that I hadn't shared my concern with him, and that I had been deceptive.

We had a big argument, and he admitted that he thinks I made up my PPD, and that I'm not being truthful about why I'm unsure about having more children.

I can not believe he thinks those things of me, but I guess since I told him I was being deceitful about my charting, he thinks maybe I'm being deceitful about everything.

We broke a major rule in our marriage last night, and went to bed angry with each other.

I am miserable today, and I need guidance more than ever

 

[oliveplants]

Don't you hate it when you go to your man in contrition and he beats you over the head with it (figuratively).

SO sorry. It may take a while to build the trust back up.

THere are times when I think that there is NO WAY I'm having more children with THAT MAN... But a few hours later it's all rosey again.

I've had blues, don't know if it'd really qualify as PPD. I felt resentful towards that child initially, but made myself love him more on purpose, and now I think I really like him at least as well as the others.

Sorry, I'm rambling and really have no advice right now, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone out there.

 

[jgonz]

Here is a site with PPD information... Maybe you can share this with your DH and let hiim see for himself that you fit a lot of the catagories? http://www.pndsa.co.za/ms-fc.htm (The site is from South Africa, I think, so they call it PND instead of PPD, but it's the same thing.)

 

[MikeK]

I can not believe he thinks those things of me, but I guess since I told him I was being deceitful about my charting, he thinks maybe I'm being deceitful about everything.

Wait a minute here. I'm NOT trying to beat you over your head here, I promise....but you decieved your husband about charting, and then you discuss a concern about a very important part of your marriage to your pastor and a bunch of strangers on a message board before you fully share your feelings with your husband? I would have a hard time trusting you too. I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong, but I do understand why your husband might feel the way he does.

 

[SuzanneMcClain]

I really can't relate the way the other lady can... but it does seem odd that you would go to your pastor and the message board before you would discuss with your husband... I think you knew what his reaction would be that is why tried to avoid it... am I off base here or not? I would think he would have been more understanding considering what you have been through

I think the ultimate rule is that if you decide or if either parent decides that they want no more children then that is it... you do not want a child to be resented by a parent.


I hope this helps in some way... I wish you the best!!!
-Suzanne
Click Here to see my profile

 

[RedTulipMom]

She has come here for advice and encouragement. These last two posts are a bit harsh and judgmental. I am sure she feels horrible enough about this whole situation and doesnt need people criticizing and judging her here. Have some compassion...geez.

 

[SuzanneMcClain]

Sorry didn't mean to be rude.... I was just trying to see if there was somthing else going on with her husband.
I wish you all the best
-Suzanne
Click here to check out my profile

 

[MikeK]

I certainly wasn't trying to be rude either, but I certainly do suggest that if she thinks she isn't certain that she wants more children, she should begin by being 100% open and honest about her feelings to her husband. I would be at least a bit perturbed if my wife said "I was thinking about X and I thought you might disagree so I decided to tralk to everybody except you about it.." No matter how nicely she put it, that's what I would hear. I think the best any of us can do in our marriages is to be 100% open and honest about everything - even things that the other might not want to hear. My 2 cents.

 

[BananaCake]

She has come here for advice and encouragement. These last two posts are a bit harsh and judgmental. I am sure she feels horrible enough about this whole situation and doesnt need people criticizing and judging her here. Have some compassion...geez.

Maybe I or you or both of us are misreading their tone, but I don't think they sound judgmental. Honest, yes, but not judgmental. Maybe they could have seasoned it with a bit more slat. I found myself agreeing with the husband who said he would feel deceived too. I would in his shoes, too.

I generally discuss everything with my spouse first because I believe that's God's best. I know that's not always easy by any stretch of the imagination. There may have been a few times early on in the marriage where I may discuss an issue with a friend, but none I can think of.

I also heard the "end of the story", so to speak, which she talked about in another post, that her and her husband resolved this and found common ground. But their advice and thoughts might be helpful to her in the future.