I have had to do this in two parts as I went over the limit of Characters and to tell a testimony I believe you cant shorten it. Anyway here is the first part.
I grew up in a Christian home, I went to Church on Sundays with my dad as he was a server. I also joined the Choir.
I lost my grandparents on my mums side in 1994 and 95 then in my uncle my mums brother in 96 and then my aunt my mums sister in 98.
In September 1999 we moved from a village in Hertfordshire to Devon and I started at the local school I was year 8. I didn't like school very much and always seemed to get bullied. There was one girl that I thought I had a friend in but she wasn't, is was quite mean and also got me started on smoking I was 12 when I had my first cigarette. One day she got really mean and pulled out a art knife on me and threatened me and then elbowed me in the ribs and this wasn't where no one can see she did that in the classroom during tutorial time.
I only told my parents when my mum happened to see the bruise on my ribs when I was changing one day, needless to say my parents pulled me out of that school and put me into a private school in Exeter City. I didn't like that school much either I didn't like school full stop. I stayed there for the next 3 years until I was 16 during that time in 2000 my grandfather died my dads father, I was 13 and it was also around this time that I found rock music.
Skip to 16 again and I started college in Sept 2003 and that's when I really started smoking and changing my hair colour too! and of course the way i dressed. (mostly black) and heaver darker music. Also I went to my first gig and saw Muse and also drinking.
In 2004 I went back to college to do A levels as in the first time i was there my grades where not that great so had to do a course that boosted my qulifications so I could do the A Levels. At the end of the first week though I grandma my dads mother died I loved her so much as by now I was 17 and got to know her more than my other grandparents she also lived with us from time to time as she was ill, but I do think looking back now that this was the point where I lost myself, I went out all the time with a friend i had made from college drinking smoking and partying, then at one party i got beaten up over a pouch of tobacco I made it out of the persons house and ran a 5/10 min walk in 2mins! I couldn't believe i could run that fast that was all down to adrenaline. My mum and my cousin who was visiting came and picked me up by the cinema where i came to a stop I didnt stop crying until i cried myself to sleep!
I got scared going to college as the girls who beat me up went there too my friend was good to me though but by November that same year I quit.
In December of that same year I started talking to a guy online and on December 31 we met he came to the house and after that we where in a relationship and by 2006 we moved in together down in Weymouth which was about 2 hours from where I liived with my parents.
The first year was fun but by 2007 some cracks where starting to show where was one particular day well eveing where I wanted to stay in the flat I didnt fancy going to his mates just to give back a laptop bag. I the end i said i come in the car with you but i dont want to go in but once we had pulled up he went on and on about me going with him to his mates house I had told him I didnt want to go in the end to such him up i went with him but it was so cold i said please can i just wait in the car in the end he turned round through the keys at me and said "got back to the F****** car then" I picked up the keys and went back to the car. This wasnt a going to be the last but was a first for more to come.
I started not to go to work and I started to eat a lot and started to feel that i was better off dead than alive thats when i went to the doctors and she diagnosed me with depression but i didnt get to take them as a couple of days later I didnt go to work again and i told my boyfriend he came home to talk about it and like he always did spoke to me like i was a kid in the end i asked my did you ever like my mum as when i was on the phone to here he had to be there or listen in and then comment on the converstaion that i had with her. He told me no he didnt like my mum with that I just came home i had already packed some of my things.
So on October 3rd after nearly 4 years it was over I found out a month later that 2 weeks after i had gone he was with someone else but I have always believe that there was something going on as he was coming home later and later. so the person he said he was with that he just met I think he knew her a lot longer.
Anyway I'm going to skip quit a bit as this will be a novel otherwise!
From October 2008 to March 2009 I had a few relationships but didnt come to anything I was also into a seedy world called BDSM and I drank every time i went out. In March 2010 I was still into the BDSM thing and also made some friends who where into the same music as me, and as time went on I was getting to be one of the gang but my drinking got to the point where I would drink and drive and I started to sleep with guys just for the hell of it. Then in June 2010 I met a guy that liked me and we slept together that same day we got to know each other after that i was with him all of the time through out that summer, eventually I moved into a bedsit and he moved to live in a bedsit above the one i was in. But it was not to last he cheated on me but then we got back together. Eventually he got me smoking weed and one night when i had a lot I went to work the next day and then went to my parents, my mum saw my eyes and just knew, we had an argument but after that I came back home. It was October now.
In November 2010 my depression became really bad although I didnt know I was just crying at nothing going out drinking and then driving having thoughts about killing myself and also having the constant battle with my mum that i was not well and that she kept telling me to be positive and snap out of what ever i was in.
Eventually mum came with me to the doctors and i was diagnosed with depression. I was put on citalopram for a while but is wasn't working then in December I was put on Prozac and that really didn't no good for me it made me worse I drank more and was totally reckless so reckless that I ended up on my 24th Birthday in 2011 after a night of heavy drinking driving me and a mate to his house once we got to the country lanes I let him drive and it was ok for about a couple of min but then we hit some water as it had been raining quite heavierly and also a hair pin bend, we ended up hitting a fence post and a farm gate went flying into the field.
My car was a right off once i was back home and had sorted stuff out only my mum knows to this very day what really happened my dad still thinks that it was me in the drivers seat.
Anyway after that I was finally put on a anti dpressent called Martazaipine and they really worked for me and by May early June I was thinking about looking for work. I was also feeling a lot happier.
On June 16th 2011 I was getting myself ready to go to a gig in Plymouth about an hour or so away from where I lived. The night before I was making synthetic dreads out of synthetic hair they where quite long and I was mixing it with 2 different colours black and green so the black was first and then it went into green. I was then going to braid them into my hair and to have a decent amount I needed to make at least 50 so I was up until about 3am I only had 3 more to seal but i was tired and I had some plain black ones that I could use too they where shorter but I could still use them.
So i got 3 hours sleep at 6am I was up again getting ready first I had to go into a local town and get some black hair dye as my roots where showing and black bands to tie in the dreads. I was ready my 4pm and by 4:15pm i was on my way to my friends once there her dad couldnt give us a lift to the place where we were meeting the mini bus as our friends were playing at the gig and it was a final of a contest the winner was going to be playing at Bloodstock festival. Anyway in the end I ended up having to drive we rushed to the stop didnt have to wait long and the they showed up.
My friend and I had to wait for awhile whilst someone cleared the two seater at the back as some equipment was on there and on where we could sit once done my friend said could i go first i did and once down the back I had to step over an amp which was in the middle of the two seater and a one seater i sat down to begin with but stood up again to tell my friend to hang on as i needed to move a guitar that was in the way but as i turned i sort of sliped and sat back down funny and all of a sudden there was pain in my knee, when i felt it I thought oh F***** its dislocated I could not believe the pain I was in I said i needed to go to the hospital.
Once there some friends tried to lift me out but it was no use i was in to much pain when the ambulance crew came they gave me gas and air and morphine for the pain and managed to put my knee cap back this was all outside the hospital. Once the keep cap was back in I felt a lot better and was able to hop out the back of the mini bus.
I was put into a cast from thigh to ankle and was told to come back a week later.
So a week later came and was glad to have the cast off but when they asked me to bend my knee it wasn't as much of a bend as i hoped so they said they would put me into a brace and i had to move a dial every 2 weeks until my the brace allowed a 90 degree angle.
Back home I got ready to go to a friends to then wait for a lift as i was going to a party mum wasn't keen i dont think but i said i would me fine, once at my friends waiting for a lift I started smoking again as for a week had couldnt really move all that much and wasnt allowed to smoke in the house. Anyway the lift arrived and at around half 8 i started to feel funny I had a cigarette which was half smoked and could not be bothered to re light it so i chucked it out the window. Plus my knee was aching.
We arrived at the party and parked the other side of the road to where the house was so I had to hobble over I managed to get out and get to the back of the car thats when I felt faint I ask the two guys who where in the car with me to help me over to the other side once there I said to them to put me down on the ground then I said call an ambulance twice I knew something was not right then out of no where I had a splitting headache that made me lay down on the path it had started to rain but i didn't care I also started to shiver and fall to sleep at that point I didnt really care about anything. When the ambulance crew arrived they tried to make me walk but i couldn't I remember shouting at them about my leg and I couldn't walk I didnt have the energy in the end I just made my self collapse after a guy form the party who had my arm i saw out the corner of my eye i had begged him to let go. the last thing i remember was one of the paramedics saying something about getting a streatcher.
(Here this is me thinking and telling what happend to when i was in the hospital in the way i saw it or felt it at the time)
When I came to I was in Hospital I was sick i know that much to begin with then when I fully came round it was nearly 10pm and the second thing I noticed was that I couldn't hear very well at all the nurses and people in A&E where trying to ask me what i had taken i didnt know what they where going on about. I told them i use to do week but that was very little and i dont do that anymore. Every so often i would come too again and an hour had gone come too again and 2 hours had gone by, next thing i know im in a room then back out again. Ow needles don't like that so i cry out, Bigger oxygen mask breathing feels better, come round Woha what was that they trying to put there ok now i understand i can do natures call now, come round again going back into that room big circle thing i go all the way in and out again. Whats that noise oh ECG machine to loud. Come to again and a man in red scrubs is trying to talk to me about something about a risk? i must have lost another hour or so but when i come to again i see someone putting a cannula in my arm and now the other one when i saw it felt as it my body moved but i know it didn't i didnt have the energy to fight like i would normally do. lots of people around me. I dont want to die i dont want to die i said. I was put to sleep.
When I woke up it was about 8/8:30pm and mum was there i remember seeing my sisters jacket earlier but then i was not really properly awake I asked my mum about it just it make sure i was not making it up but it was true.I remember that just before they put me under I had a scents of clam that came over me which is not normal for me even though i had turned my back on Jesus I knew he was there helping me through that.
I was in ICU for 2 days and on the respiritory ward for a week, I had a blood clot not just one but 2 a sub massive one in the lung and a smaller one in the heart mum told me that the doctor had not seen anything like it before. For me whats even more unlikely was the fact that i was in A & E for 8 hours before they found the blood colts as they were treating me for drug abuse also the fact that the drug they needed to use on me to get rid of the blood clots had a risk of 50/50 they had no idea what it would do to me. A few day later i was approached my two ladies from the Hospital Chapel asking me if I would like to go to the Sunday Service I didn't even need to think i said yes right way I needed to that the Lord I knew he had helped me.
I grew up in a Christian home, I went to Church on Sundays with my dad as he was a server. I also joined the Choir.
I lost my grandparents on my mums side in 1994 and 95 then in my uncle my mums brother in 96 and then my aunt my mums sister in 98.
In September 1999 we moved from a village in Hertfordshire to Devon and I started at the local school I was year 8. I didn't like school very much and always seemed to get bullied. There was one girl that I thought I had a friend in but she wasn't, is was quite mean and also got me started on smoking I was 12 when I had my first cigarette. One day she got really mean and pulled out a art knife on me and threatened me and then elbowed me in the ribs and this wasn't where no one can see she did that in the classroom during tutorial time.
I only told my parents when my mum happened to see the bruise on my ribs when I was changing one day, needless to say my parents pulled me out of that school and put me into a private school in Exeter City. I didn't like that school much either I didn't like school full stop. I stayed there for the next 3 years until I was 16 during that time in 2000 my grandfather died my dads father, I was 13 and it was also around this time that I found rock music.
Skip to 16 again and I started college in Sept 2003 and that's when I really started smoking and changing my hair colour too! and of course the way i dressed. (mostly black) and heaver darker music. Also I went to my first gig and saw Muse and also drinking.
In 2004 I went back to college to do A levels as in the first time i was there my grades where not that great so had to do a course that boosted my qulifications so I could do the A Levels. At the end of the first week though I grandma my dads mother died I loved her so much as by now I was 17 and got to know her more than my other grandparents she also lived with us from time to time as she was ill, but I do think looking back now that this was the point where I lost myself, I went out all the time with a friend i had made from college drinking smoking and partying, then at one party i got beaten up over a pouch of tobacco I made it out of the persons house and ran a 5/10 min walk in 2mins! I couldn't believe i could run that fast that was all down to adrenaline. My mum and my cousin who was visiting came and picked me up by the cinema where i came to a stop I didnt stop crying until i cried myself to sleep!
I got scared going to college as the girls who beat me up went there too my friend was good to me though but by November that same year I quit.
In December of that same year I started talking to a guy online and on December 31 we met he came to the house and after that we where in a relationship and by 2006 we moved in together down in Weymouth which was about 2 hours from where I liived with my parents.
The first year was fun but by 2007 some cracks where starting to show where was one particular day well eveing where I wanted to stay in the flat I didnt fancy going to his mates just to give back a laptop bag. I the end i said i come in the car with you but i dont want to go in but once we had pulled up he went on and on about me going with him to his mates house I had told him I didnt want to go in the end to such him up i went with him but it was so cold i said please can i just wait in the car in the end he turned round through the keys at me and said "got back to the F****** car then" I picked up the keys and went back to the car. This wasnt a going to be the last but was a first for more to come.
I started not to go to work and I started to eat a lot and started to feel that i was better off dead than alive thats when i went to the doctors and she diagnosed me with depression but i didnt get to take them as a couple of days later I didnt go to work again and i told my boyfriend he came home to talk about it and like he always did spoke to me like i was a kid in the end i asked my did you ever like my mum as when i was on the phone to here he had to be there or listen in and then comment on the converstaion that i had with her. He told me no he didnt like my mum with that I just came home i had already packed some of my things.
So on October 3rd after nearly 4 years it was over I found out a month later that 2 weeks after i had gone he was with someone else but I have always believe that there was something going on as he was coming home later and later. so the person he said he was with that he just met I think he knew her a lot longer.
Anyway I'm going to skip quit a bit as this will be a novel otherwise!
From October 2008 to March 2009 I had a few relationships but didnt come to anything I was also into a seedy world called BDSM and I drank every time i went out. In March 2010 I was still into the BDSM thing and also made some friends who where into the same music as me, and as time went on I was getting to be one of the gang but my drinking got to the point where I would drink and drive and I started to sleep with guys just for the hell of it. Then in June 2010 I met a guy that liked me and we slept together that same day we got to know each other after that i was with him all of the time through out that summer, eventually I moved into a bedsit and he moved to live in a bedsit above the one i was in. But it was not to last he cheated on me but then we got back together. Eventually he got me smoking weed and one night when i had a lot I went to work the next day and then went to my parents, my mum saw my eyes and just knew, we had an argument but after that I came back home. It was October now.
In November 2010 my depression became really bad although I didnt know I was just crying at nothing going out drinking and then driving having thoughts about killing myself and also having the constant battle with my mum that i was not well and that she kept telling me to be positive and snap out of what ever i was in.
Eventually mum came with me to the doctors and i was diagnosed with depression. I was put on citalopram for a while but is wasn't working then in December I was put on Prozac and that really didn't no good for me it made me worse I drank more and was totally reckless so reckless that I ended up on my 24th Birthday in 2011 after a night of heavy drinking driving me and a mate to his house once we got to the country lanes I let him drive and it was ok for about a couple of min but then we hit some water as it had been raining quite heavierly and also a hair pin bend, we ended up hitting a fence post and a farm gate went flying into the field.
My car was a right off once i was back home and had sorted stuff out only my mum knows to this very day what really happened my dad still thinks that it was me in the drivers seat.
Anyway after that I was finally put on a anti dpressent called Martazaipine and they really worked for me and by May early June I was thinking about looking for work. I was also feeling a lot happier.
On June 16th 2011 I was getting myself ready to go to a gig in Plymouth about an hour or so away from where I lived. The night before I was making synthetic dreads out of synthetic hair they where quite long and I was mixing it with 2 different colours black and green so the black was first and then it went into green. I was then going to braid them into my hair and to have a decent amount I needed to make at least 50 so I was up until about 3am I only had 3 more to seal but i was tired and I had some plain black ones that I could use too they where shorter but I could still use them.
So i got 3 hours sleep at 6am I was up again getting ready first I had to go into a local town and get some black hair dye as my roots where showing and black bands to tie in the dreads. I was ready my 4pm and by 4:15pm i was on my way to my friends once there her dad couldnt give us a lift to the place where we were meeting the mini bus as our friends were playing at the gig and it was a final of a contest the winner was going to be playing at Bloodstock festival. Anyway in the end I ended up having to drive we rushed to the stop didnt have to wait long and the they showed up.
My friend and I had to wait for awhile whilst someone cleared the two seater at the back as some equipment was on there and on where we could sit once done my friend said could i go first i did and once down the back I had to step over an amp which was in the middle of the two seater and a one seater i sat down to begin with but stood up again to tell my friend to hang on as i needed to move a guitar that was in the way but as i turned i sort of sliped and sat back down funny and all of a sudden there was pain in my knee, when i felt it I thought oh F***** its dislocated I could not believe the pain I was in I said i needed to go to the hospital.
Once there some friends tried to lift me out but it was no use i was in to much pain when the ambulance crew came they gave me gas and air and morphine for the pain and managed to put my knee cap back this was all outside the hospital. Once the keep cap was back in I felt a lot better and was able to hop out the back of the mini bus.
I was put into a cast from thigh to ankle and was told to come back a week later.
So a week later came and was glad to have the cast off but when they asked me to bend my knee it wasn't as much of a bend as i hoped so they said they would put me into a brace and i had to move a dial every 2 weeks until my the brace allowed a 90 degree angle.
Back home I got ready to go to a friends to then wait for a lift as i was going to a party mum wasn't keen i dont think but i said i would me fine, once at my friends waiting for a lift I started smoking again as for a week had couldnt really move all that much and wasnt allowed to smoke in the house. Anyway the lift arrived and at around half 8 i started to feel funny I had a cigarette which was half smoked and could not be bothered to re light it so i chucked it out the window. Plus my knee was aching.
We arrived at the party and parked the other side of the road to where the house was so I had to hobble over I managed to get out and get to the back of the car thats when I felt faint I ask the two guys who where in the car with me to help me over to the other side once there I said to them to put me down on the ground then I said call an ambulance twice I knew something was not right then out of no where I had a splitting headache that made me lay down on the path it had started to rain but i didn't care I also started to shiver and fall to sleep at that point I didnt really care about anything. When the ambulance crew arrived they tried to make me walk but i couldn't I remember shouting at them about my leg and I couldn't walk I didnt have the energy in the end I just made my self collapse after a guy form the party who had my arm i saw out the corner of my eye i had begged him to let go. the last thing i remember was one of the paramedics saying something about getting a streatcher.
(Here this is me thinking and telling what happend to when i was in the hospital in the way i saw it or felt it at the time)
When I came to I was in Hospital I was sick i know that much to begin with then when I fully came round it was nearly 10pm and the second thing I noticed was that I couldn't hear very well at all the nurses and people in A&E where trying to ask me what i had taken i didnt know what they where going on about. I told them i use to do week but that was very little and i dont do that anymore. Every so often i would come too again and an hour had gone come too again and 2 hours had gone by, next thing i know im in a room then back out again. Ow needles don't like that so i cry out, Bigger oxygen mask breathing feels better, come round Woha what was that they trying to put there ok now i understand i can do natures call now, come round again going back into that room big circle thing i go all the way in and out again. Whats that noise oh ECG machine to loud. Come to again and a man in red scrubs is trying to talk to me about something about a risk? i must have lost another hour or so but when i come to again i see someone putting a cannula in my arm and now the other one when i saw it felt as it my body moved but i know it didn't i didnt have the energy to fight like i would normally do. lots of people around me. I dont want to die i dont want to die i said. I was put to sleep.
When I woke up it was about 8/8:30pm and mum was there i remember seeing my sisters jacket earlier but then i was not really properly awake I asked my mum about it just it make sure i was not making it up but it was true.I remember that just before they put me under I had a scents of clam that came over me which is not normal for me even though i had turned my back on Jesus I knew he was there helping me through that.
I was in ICU for 2 days and on the respiritory ward for a week, I had a blood clot not just one but 2 a sub massive one in the lung and a smaller one in the heart mum told me that the doctor had not seen anything like it before. For me whats even more unlikely was the fact that i was in A & E for 8 hours before they found the blood colts as they were treating me for drug abuse also the fact that the drug they needed to use on me to get rid of the blood clots had a risk of 50/50 they had no idea what it would do to me. A few day later i was approached my two ladies from the Hospital Chapel asking me if I would like to go to the Sunday Service I didn't even need to think i said yes right way I needed to that the Lord I knew he had helped me.
