- Aug 10, 2021
- 174
- 56
- 44
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Calvinist
- Marital Status
- Single
I was born in a religious family - that is, a family that preached Christianity and occasionally went to church but didn't really live it. My family also held TBN in high regard. By the time I was 16 or 17 I was in full blown rebellion and began to doubt whether there was a God at all. I knew the truth, deep down, but I was suppressing the truth in unbelief, and tried to rid myself of God and the conviction of the truth. One day, I idly began to confess that I did not believe in heaven or hell. As I did so, I felt damnation come upon me. My mouth stopped, as I had experienced a premonition of the day of judgment. I remember laying in bed that night thinking, "I just got the worst news possible". I was going to hell. I was damned.
And you know what? I really was damned. The next 20 years, I tried to convince myself that I could be saved - that I wasn't really condemned. I eventually joined a pentecostal church and tried to convince myself I was saved. My assurance was the people in the church who would tell me that I was saved, and remind me of certain scriptures. I also found assurance in the fact that I spoke in tongues, or that I had "gotten a word" from the Lord (a preacher calling me out and prophesying over me). Yet, at night, the terror would come. And in my deepest place I felt the damnation - utter, absolute fear. Condemnation. I was without hope.
Eventually I left the church and went back to the world. I became addicted to pain killers and sedated myself from it all. I moved far away and tried to bury it all. I tried to forget. Yet, the haunting fear would always come at night. I was convinced I would be haunted all my life. Yet I remained in denial - that surely I had some recourse, something I could do, to be saved.
One day, after 20 years, I was reading about the unpardonable sin, and I became totally convinced that I was guilty of having committed it. I had already known about it beforehand, and feared that I may have committed it - but something about that particular translation, and the actual Greek, caused me to become convinced of my guilt. I was hopeless.
One night, I sunk to a place of great fear and such despair. I buried my head in my pillow. Out of the depths I cried out to JESUS. I cried out in desperation to JESUS to save me. I called upon Him in my desperation. A completely broken man, I repeatedly screamed His name, tears streaming down my face.
I felt a subtle peace after that. And in the days that followed, I felt that something was different. I remember thinking, "It's almost as if I am being watched.". I felt as though for the first time in my life, I had drawn God's attention, and I did not know why or understand it at the time. And I had a hunger for the things of God. Just about all my time was devoted to studying. I would read the Bible and study online. And then something occurred to me: "Make straight the way of the Lord". I began to feel as though I should repent of sin.
About two weeks after I had called upon the name of the Lord, the pull had become to strong. It had progressively grown stronger and stronger and now I could no longer resist it, nor did I want to resist it any longer. I prayed to God and made a decision in my heart that I would willingly sin no more. And that meant that I was going to leave my sinful relationship and move back home, throw away my drugs, throw away my tobacco, etc. I did not have the strength to do it until I made the decision to do it, and I decided that I would come after Jesus and lay hold on Jesus even if I had to wade through hellfire to get to Him. That nothing would keep me from Him.
And it was at that moment that the fear and condemnation left me. I felt the peace of God fill me up. And in an instant, I had the power to lay down sin, and pick up my cross to follow after Him.
That was about three years ago.
My walk has not been one of perfection - I have had setbacks. But God, who is faithful, in His great mercy always chastises me and brings me to repentance. The Christian life is one in which we battle against sin. And God has shown me so much about myself, and none of it is good. Thank God for His grace and mercy.
I tell you all this: no matter what you have done or think you have done, Jesus Christ saves. He will save you if you call upon Him with all your heart.
And you know what? I really was damned. The next 20 years, I tried to convince myself that I could be saved - that I wasn't really condemned. I eventually joined a pentecostal church and tried to convince myself I was saved. My assurance was the people in the church who would tell me that I was saved, and remind me of certain scriptures. I also found assurance in the fact that I spoke in tongues, or that I had "gotten a word" from the Lord (a preacher calling me out and prophesying over me). Yet, at night, the terror would come. And in my deepest place I felt the damnation - utter, absolute fear. Condemnation. I was without hope.
Eventually I left the church and went back to the world. I became addicted to pain killers and sedated myself from it all. I moved far away and tried to bury it all. I tried to forget. Yet, the haunting fear would always come at night. I was convinced I would be haunted all my life. Yet I remained in denial - that surely I had some recourse, something I could do, to be saved.
One day, after 20 years, I was reading about the unpardonable sin, and I became totally convinced that I was guilty of having committed it. I had already known about it beforehand, and feared that I may have committed it - but something about that particular translation, and the actual Greek, caused me to become convinced of my guilt. I was hopeless.
One night, I sunk to a place of great fear and such despair. I buried my head in my pillow. Out of the depths I cried out to JESUS. I cried out in desperation to JESUS to save me. I called upon Him in my desperation. A completely broken man, I repeatedly screamed His name, tears streaming down my face.
I felt a subtle peace after that. And in the days that followed, I felt that something was different. I remember thinking, "It's almost as if I am being watched.". I felt as though for the first time in my life, I had drawn God's attention, and I did not know why or understand it at the time. And I had a hunger for the things of God. Just about all my time was devoted to studying. I would read the Bible and study online. And then something occurred to me: "Make straight the way of the Lord". I began to feel as though I should repent of sin.
About two weeks after I had called upon the name of the Lord, the pull had become to strong. It had progressively grown stronger and stronger and now I could no longer resist it, nor did I want to resist it any longer. I prayed to God and made a decision in my heart that I would willingly sin no more. And that meant that I was going to leave my sinful relationship and move back home, throw away my drugs, throw away my tobacco, etc. I did not have the strength to do it until I made the decision to do it, and I decided that I would come after Jesus and lay hold on Jesus even if I had to wade through hellfire to get to Him. That nothing would keep me from Him.
And it was at that moment that the fear and condemnation left me. I felt the peace of God fill me up. And in an instant, I had the power to lay down sin, and pick up my cross to follow after Him.
That was about three years ago.
My walk has not been one of perfection - I have had setbacks. But God, who is faithful, in His great mercy always chastises me and brings me to repentance. The Christian life is one in which we battle against sin. And God has shown me so much about myself, and none of it is good. Thank God for His grace and mercy.
I tell you all this: no matter what you have done or think you have done, Jesus Christ saves. He will save you if you call upon Him with all your heart.
