Jealousy

[startingover]

After I learned that my jealousy had cause with my ex husband (porn, strip clubs, cheating), I know I will be a jealous person in my next relationship. I am working on building my self esteem and confidance.

But I really do think a man should not really *look.* To see an attractive woman or scantily clad hoochie is one thing. To check her out, stare, ogle, etc is another thing. A man should be respectful of his wife (or even girlfriend) but refraining from giving in to this kind of temptation. I truly believe that thoughts lead to actions. And lustful thoughts are sinful and will lead to things a person should not be doing.

The Every Man's Battle and Every's Woman's Desire books are supposed to be great. They should be a part of every engaged couple's premarital counseling.

 

[bliz]

I think the OP, and subsequent postings, made it very clear that her husband is not leering at women, or even taking a second glance. He sees women, just as we all see other people who share our public spaces.

The problem is hers. For a variety of reasons, she takes these appropriate looks and fears that they are inappropriate and subscribes to him thoughts and motives that are not his. She needs to work on her problem. Counseling or talk therapy could be very helpful in her understanding why she jumps to these conclusions and becomes jealous with little or no reason. If we want to change a behavior, it often helps to understand how it developed in the first place.

Which isn't to say that there aren't some men, including Christian men, whose looking is inappropriate and offensive to the women at whom they look and to the women in their lives including sons and daughters who see those glances and stares. And no, I do not find the "Just becasue I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu." excuse funny or valid.

 

[Astronaut]

I'm praying for you.

 

[startingover]

Of course don't find it disrepectful. Many of them don't know how it feels when you are watching your mate ogle another person. If a woman takes that action as disrespectful and feels disrespected, what guy can tell her that she is wrong to feel that way?

Physical attraction is created by God, but I don't think He planned for us to be attracted to many people, even once we are married. Thinking someone is good looking is one thing. Blatantly checking someone out is another.

 

[alaskamolly]

It's one thing to be attracted to the opposite sex. Someone who is attracted to the other gender simply is showing that their body works (which is the way God originally intended)...

We're supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex, men are supposed to be visually stimulated--that's how God made them!

The deal is just that there needs to be some measure of control over the urge. It doesn't make it wrong to be visually stimulated, but it does make it wrong to look if it brings up any sort of lustful feeling.

When a man is married, he's commanded to be "satisfied with the wife of his youth." Part of 'satisfied' means you choose not to look elsewhere but are satisfied with what God gave you.

Remember, "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife?" There's a reason why that command was given. It's because men have the tendancy to want good looking women! To be a sexual being is not bad or sinful--we were made that way--but it's supposed to be contained within boundaries.

A wise man is not going to allow his flesh free reign in this area, because he knows that all it will do is feed lustful thoughts--something that he doesn't want fed because he knows it is not pleasing to God. Just like a smart woman isn't going to do things that feed lust in her--like romance novels, dreaming about past boyfriends, fantasizing, or whatever it is that floats your boat...etc...


Please understand, perhaps some men can look at a good looking woman without lustful feelings rising up. Great. But most can't.

There are women in our church who dress VERY sexually (most don't, but some do), and I see many men working hard to avoid looking at them during services. It's too bad that they have to spend the service trying not to look at someone who's obviously wanting to be looked at, but I sure admire them for not letting themselves succumb to the temptation, personally.

Most candid men will tell you that when they see a hot honey strutting her stuff and showing just enough to tease (which means most clothing she'd have on, nowadays), it doesn't exactly inspire godly thoughts to rise up from within a man. It's a strong man that can resist the temptation to take a good long look at her, and he's a man that deserves a lot of respect, in my book.


As others have said, there's a difference between looking and, ahem, looking, so for the original poster, it's probably a matter of discerning HOW he is looking. If it's long enjoyable looks, I'd be a bit upset too, and I'd think you were right for being that way. But if he just looks at them, same as he looks at anybody--same as he'd look at a passing cyclist, campaign poster or flower garden--then I'd suggest continuing to work on chilling out.


Blessings,
Molly

 

[Astronaut]

I hope you're feeling better.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Yes some do think a lot differently. That's a good thing sometimes.

We are splitting hairs about men looking. Really, it's not our (us girls) problem. Find a man who treats all women with dignity and respect. He may slip up and lust after another women, only human after all. If you find a man's behavior concerning, don't date and marry him.

Astro, you're probably a lot more comfortable with men looking and it sounds like you appreciate the attention when they do look at you. As you've said, when your man stares at another woman, you'll feel fine. More power to you to put up with it.

When other women see their men staring, they may be concerned. That concern might be valid in that their husband is actually gawking and not respecting other women. Or that concern might be invalid and just a result of their insecurity. More power to them to figure out which it is and deal with it in a Godly manner.

There are many types of men and women out there. I say on matters like this, when you really can split hairs so finely that it's hard to see the real situation anymore, let God lead you and then let it go.

 

[laura-ann]

I have to say, i have/am overcomming a very similar problem!
my how it has affected our relationship. i would constantly be watching him, making sure that he didn't stare at other girls. Its taken a while to work it out but we are definately getting there. In our case it was definately more my problem - insecurity from past relationships was mainly the cause i think, but he also admitted some responsibilty. I think im the type of girl that needs to feel really really loved and secure, so I just gave my self some time to think about how he shows he loves me and wouldnt give me up for anything
so yeah, take some time, have a think.
praying for you!
huggies

 

[SirKenin]

Oh man. I feel sorry for the husbands of all these girls that they have to consciously look the other way, or make efforts to stare at their feet, or do some other goodness only knows what funky manouver to avoid their spouse from feeling jealous and insecure.

That's not the fault and problem of the husband. That's the wife's problem. One she needs to overcome, and pronto. Any wife worth her salt can not possibly expect her man to be the goody two shoes and completely disregard women. Throwing out magazines.. Flipping the channel.. Looking the other way as someone comes walking towards them.

Craziness. Absolute craziness.

Develop some self-esteem, self-respect and trust. My goodness. Don't expect your relationship to survive and don't expect your husband to maintain this silly little facade forever. It's not natural and it's not going to happen. I mean.. Really now.

In my case, my SO and I look at them together. She'll point out a lady and say "she's pretty", or "that lady is very attractive, don't you think?" to which I will casually either agree or disagree with her, depending. But there's a difference. My SO is not a control freak. My SO won't fall apart if I happen to glance at a cute lady. My SO won't suddenly feel ugly and grotesque at the sheer thought of me looking at another lady.

Mind you, I don't go out of my way to do so, and I'll never match a lady's glance, rather I will always divert my gaze to allow my body language to speak that I am not interested, that I am spoken for.

My pet knows that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm not interested in any other lady and she's completely secure, trusting and self-aware. She should be. She's a pretty lady and I love her to pieces.

 

[SirKenin]

For men, I'm not at all worried if she looks at them. I'm an attractive guy with my own strengths for one, she loves only one man, wants only one man, and that man is me. I know this and I'm not worried about it. I'm secure, trusting and self-confident.

I don't even bother checking to see if she looks at another man. I don't even care if she does. It's natural. She's human. The least I could do for the woman I love is to give her a break.

 

[Cherberrie]

Oh man. I feel sorry for the husbands of all these girls that they have to consciously look the other way, or make efforts to stare at their feet, or do some other goodness only knows what funky manouver to avoid their spouse from feeling jealous and insecure.

That's not the fault and problem of the husband. That's the wife's problem. One she needs to overcome, and pronto. Any wife worth her salt can not possibly expect her man to be the goody two shoes and completely disregard women. Throwing out magazines.. Flipping the channel.. Looking the other way as someone comes walking towards them.

Craziness. Absolute craziness.

Develop some self-esteem, self-respect and trust. My goodness. Don't expect your relationship to survive and don't expect your husband to maintain this silly little facade forever. It's not natural and it's not going to happen. I mean.. Really now.

In my case, my SO and I look at them together. She'll point out a lady and say "she's pretty", or "that lady is very attractive, don't you think?" to which I will casually either agree or disagree with her, depending. But there's a difference. My SO is not a control freak. My SO won't fall apart if I happen to glance at a cute lady. My SO won't suddenly feel ugly and grotesque at the sheer thought of me looking at another lady.

Mind you, I don't go out of my way to do so, and I'll never match a lady's glance, rather I will always divert my gaze to allow my body language to speak that I am not interested, that I am spoken for.

My pet knows that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm not interested in any other lady and she's completely secure, trusting and self-aware. She should be. She's a pretty lady and I love her to pieces.

I have to agree with the Dr. here. A relationship that does not have a sturdy foundation of trust and communication will fall apart eventually. Right now, my fiance is half a world away on military deployment. We trust each other implicitly; I don't worry about him cheating and vice versa. We love each other and would never intentionally do anything to hurt the other. We're not perfect, but we try to be the best we can be.

Doc (can I call you Doc?), I do the same thing as your SO, and can totally relate to your description.

 

[startingover]

Maybe I just don't understand. All I know is that it is a sin to look at someone other than your spouse lustfully. Of course your flesh is going to want to look. Men ARE visual creatures. But they don't have to succumb to lustful thoughts. Anyway, I freely admit there are very attractive women out there. When I was with my ex, I had no problem saying so right in front of him. Trusting that your spouse won't cheat is one thing. People do look. It shouldn't be staring, drooling, or ogling, especially if the woman in question is dressed in next to nothing. But... him or her have lustful thoughts about someone else IS adultery of the heart.

 

[SirKenin]

I have to agree with the Dr. here. A relationship that does not have a sturdy foundation of trust and communication will fall apart eventually. Right now, my fiance is half a world away on military deployment. We trust each other implicitly; I don't worry about him cheating and vice versa. We love each other and would never intentionally do anything to hurt the other. We're not perfect, but we try to be the best we can be.

Doc (can I call you Doc?), I do the same thing as your SO, and can totally relate to your description.

You can call me anything you like except late for dinner

Yes, there are three basic essentials for every relationship to be successful. Trust, communication and respect. If any of these three are lacking, the relationship is destined to be doomed.

Glad you can relate. I think it makes for a great relationship. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my SO and vice versa. I don't think it's disrespectul to notice other wo/men. I think it's quite natural, and can be approached in a suitable and respectful way

 

[SirKenin]

Maybe I just don't understand. All I know is that it is a sin to look at someone other than your spouse lustfully. Of course your flesh is going to want to look. Men ARE visual creatures. But they don't have to succumb to lustful thoughts. Anyway, I freely admit there are very attractive women out there. When I was with my ex, I had no problem saying so right in front of him. Trusting that your spouse won't cheat is one thing. People do look. It shouldn't be staring, drooling, or ogling, especially if the woman in question is dressed in next to nothing. But... him or her have lustful thoughts about someone else IS adultery of the heart.

Yes you're right, one has to make the distinction. You can't go drooling over someone of the opposite sex, and looking at them lustfully. That's not the kind of "looking" I was getting at. I think you might have a bit of a problem if you can't look at someone of the opposite sex without wanting them to jump into your bed.

 

[startingover]

Okay then. It's okay for one's SO to notice other people. If each person is comfortable with the idea, then it's okay to say, "That person is attractive" or whatever. It's the lustful looks that are wrong. It's not just "I want to get down her pants," but staring at her breasts or behind, or things like that. Noticing that someone is attractive is okay. But you don't have to stare, follow them with your eyes, etc. A glance is enough. No need to do a double take.

 

[SirKenin]

Okay then. It's okay for one's SO to notice other people. If each person is comfortable with the idea, then it's okay to say, "That person is attractive" or whatever. It's the lustful looks that are wrong. It's not just "I want to get down her pants," but staring at her breasts or behind, or things like that. Noticing that someone is attractive is okay. But you don't have to stare, follow them with your eyes, etc. A glance is enough. No need to do a double take.

Right You got the idea the way I was perceiving it

 

[Cherberrie]

Okay then. It's okay for one's SO to notice other people. If each person is comfortable with the idea, then it's okay to say, "That person is attractive" or whatever. It's the lustful looks that are wrong. It's not just "I want to get down her pants," but staring at her breasts or behind, or things like that. Noticing that someone is attractive is okay. But you don't have to stare, follow them with your eyes, etc. A glance is enough. No need to do a double take.

Yes. Sorry I didn't make that distinction before, there is a definite difference between "looking" and "ogling". If your SO is ogling, they are not respecting you. I agree again with the Doc, you have to have trust, communication, and respect for a relationship to work. If you have good communication, you should be able to talk to your SO about these things that make you feel bad, and work it out. If he respects you, he will not do things he knows will make you feel bad. If you trust him, you shouldn't worry everytime he looks at an attractive woman (looking not ogling).

 

[Cherberrie]

You can call me anything you like except late for dinner

How did I know that was coming?

Yes, there are three basic essentials for every relationship to be successful. Trust, communication and respect. If any of these three are lacking, the relationship is destined to be doomed.

Trust. Communication. Respect. Yep, yep, and yep. My niece is getting to the boy-crazy stage, and I always reinforce to her how important those three things are.

Glad you can relate. I think it makes for a great relationship. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my SO and vice versa.

It does make a great relationship. My SO and I love that we can look at our relationship and see so much growth and love and happiness. We're best friends and just absolutely have a blast together. It's hard being apart, and if we didn't have the trust and respect we do, it would be harder. I'm just super giddy right now cause two weeks from now I'll be visiting him in Italy!

I don't think it's disrespectul to notice other wo/men. I think it's quite natural, and can be approached in a suitable and respectful way

Yep again.

 

[JonnoK]

Fascinating post I must say. Here's an interesting question then:

Do people think a Christian husband could, say, be a judge at a beauty pageant? Or say, a photographer, where a regular part of his job is to analyze his sometime female subjects, in order to get them looking as fine as they can be? I know some Christian guys who do, and I dont think i would question there character, knowing them as i do.

And yet the very nature of the job is to admire the female form. I'm not going to answer my own question, except to say that if i were totally honest, it probably would be wrong for me personally. Just because I know how much enjoyment I'd get out of doing it!

 

[GirlieGirl]

Pointing out attractive women and staring at them together...I dunno Dr., that sounds wierd.

If I saw a couple doing that in my direction, I would turn on my heels and skidaddle!