Jealousy

[FroZenDeSire]

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a very perfect relationship but we always seem to fight over one issue.. lots. It's getting to the piont where we don't fight but we discuss it, as in we've gotten more mature in this aspect and are trying to work our way through. We just need alittle bit more help.

I find that I get jealous very easily. I jump to conclusions that he is 'checking out' a girl that walks by or that is somewhat near. We discuss it after and he tells me straight out that he noticed her but it was nothing serious and he did nothing that he shouldn't have (as in checking her out in more detail).

Now, he is my first ever boyfriend and I've never really had guys show 'interest' in me and sometimes I think I'm not that attractive. This leads me to compare and think they are much better looking then me and that he must wish he could be with her. Of course this isn't true and he tells me this often, saying he thinks I'm beautiful looking and he loves my personality and who I am. I believe this but when situations pop up, I can't seem to remember it! I seem to forget to think and to be rational.

Is there anyway that this can go away or atleast lessen? I'd love to be able to watch movies and go for walks with out these awful worries and thoughts. Has anyone been in a situation like this before?

 

[oldrooster]

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a very perfect relationship but we always seem to fight over one issue.. lots. It's getting to the piont where we don't fight but we discuss it, as in we've gotten more mature in this aspect and are trying to work our way through. We just need alittle bit more help.

I find that I get jealous very easily. I jump to conclusions that he is 'checking out' a girl that walks by or that is somewhat near. We discuss it after and he tells me straight out that he noticed her but it was nothing serious and he did nothing that he shouldn't have (as in checking her out in more detail).

Now, he is my first ever boyfriend and I've never really had guys show 'interest' in me and sometimes I think I'm not that attractive. This leads me to compare and think they are much better looking then me and that he must wish he could be with her. Of course this isn't true and he tells me this often, saying he thinks I'm beautiful looking and he loves my personality and who I am. I believe this but when situations pop up, I can't seem to remember it! I seem to forget to think and to be rational.

Is there anyway that this can go away or atleast lessen? I'd love to be able to watch movies and go for walks with out these awful worries and thoughts. Has anyone been in a situation like this before?

Jealousy usually stems from a poor self-esteem, don't worry about all those other women out there. There is always going to be somebody better looking than you.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Yeah, you need to come to grips with the fact that there are people out there who are more attractive physically than you. When I say "come to grips" I mean more than just acknowledging it as fact, you need to stop fighting it and accept it.

When you see a beautiful woman while you and your husband are out, try to think about this: Is your appearance the only thing you have to offer your husband? Or is it the best thing you have to offer him? If the answer yes in anyway pops up in your mind, you need to work on yourself as a person. If the answer is no, then chill and relax when a beautiful woman walks by. (I'm hoping) he married you because you are a complete package of a woman and the experiences he has with you are what puts the thrill in this marriage for him. The ladies walking by can't hold a candle to that. Think about it. Your effect on him is pretty darn powerful. I wouldn't worry about anyone with nice boobs or long legs stealing him away.


And if that doesn't work. Just stifle your jealous reaction. It is a burden to have deal with someone who constantly needs reassurance in the way you describe. If you keep up the jealous pattern, you will harm your marriage.

 

[tekwerx]

I have to agree. Hes just looking on the outside; he has no clue whats on the inside. I understand how it is to feel uncomfortable like that. Im not a looker, myself (time has somewhat...plumpened me - that any my good cooking too =) )
Anyhow, you need to keep positive. He married you. He loves you. Youre the whole package, not just some window dressing. Pray about it. Im sure you'll feel better after a little heart to heart with Him.

 

[herev]

Well, to add to Rooster's comment, not only is it a lack of self esteem, but it is also a lack of trust. I don't know enough about you to make any further comments-except this. My wife and I agreed long before we got married that we would go to marriage counseling--and it works--find a good counselor who is a Christian, not neccessarily the same thing as a Christian Counselor--go, talk, work it out. I pray things get better

 

[RJ1]

Did I go through that and how!

I found that over time the more I liked myself the less I got jealous. Plus my husband did help by realizing I had some self esteem issues and thereby going out of his way not to look. He does now and we joke about it. I finally got to a place in my life where I figure him looking at another woman briefly is about the same as him looking through a National Geographic magazine. No harm in looking at places he'll never be.

What helped me was a simple prayer. I'd say it every time I started to feel scared, insecure and jealous.

Lord, help me to remember that I am a child of God. I am as good as anyone else. I am as loved by You as anyone else. I am unique and I am special because You made me that way. Please remove my doubts, fears and worries. Please protect my marriage and help me to trust my husband. In Jesus' name. Amen.

I'd repeat it over and over in my head until I felt calm. You can use whatever words come to your heart but you get the idea. The moment passes while you're in prayer and the next thing you know, you're enjoying your outing. You're young. It can sometimes take a while to get comfortable in your own skin. It did me. Don't worry about it. Hand it over to The Lord. Trust me, there is nothing He doesn't understand and there is nothing He can't fix.

I'll be praying for you.
Hugs,
Rebecca

 

[charligirl]

As others have said, this usually stems from low self esteem. One way to start to work on that is to ask God to reveal to you who you are IN Christ. Try checking out 'in Christ' in an online concordance and do a study about who you are and what you mean to God, ask Him to make those promises real to you in your heart and not just head knowledge. Meditate on them and confess them, you will see a change once you start to see how utterly fantastic you are to God and what it means to be His child, equal to Jesus

 

[Leanna]

He actually admits to checking them out, but only once? That's silly. Why would he do something that he knows makes you feel insecure? He should want you to feel secure. I don't know how he does it but my husband makes me feel very secure, but other guys I dated did not and I was jealous too. Sometimes its not just the woman or a change of man would not have made such a difference in my life.

 

[FroZenDeSire]

Yes it is because I have low self esteem... sadly.

Thank you RJ1 vbmenu_register("postmenu_8698532", true); for the advice of the prayer.. that's deffinately something I must learn to use.

Leanna vbmenu_register("postmenu_8701126", true); he admits to be that he notices them and notices that they are good looking as in the sense they carry them selves well or that they take the time to make them selves more presentable... not that he thinks they are attractive or that they are hot or anything like that... he admits this because we have an open relationship and we tell each other the truth. If I was to believe that he doesn't notice them or anything then it would be wrong. So no it's not silly.

 

[oldrooster]

I don't gawk at other women because it is disrespectful to my wife, it is not unusual for males of that age to do it though.......

 

[RJ1]

You're more than welcome. This is something I can relate to very well and I wanted to share with you that it can be overcome.

You ever go window shopping? Do you notice how some things jump out at you because they are pleasing to the eye? You glance but stop and notice, there's usually not much running through your head. You're just noticing an item. Lots of young men do the same thing when an attractive women walks by. They just notice. There's a big difference between looking and you know, staring, drooling gaping, you get the picture.

If you haven't already, let your husband know that it scares you. Don't go into jealousy mode. You know what happens when a man feels defensive. Mine brings up a wall so fast it could make your head spin. When I approach him in a manner where he feels he's the protector or the hero, so to speak, then he's on a mission.

He chose you to be his wife. You know how to get his attention and you know he loves you. From what you're describing he's not lusting after anyone but you.

It'll be okay. It might take some time, most things do. If it's any consolation at all I was exactly where you are today and we've been together for quite a while. It can be overcome and you can enjoy a wonderful, safe, secure marriage.

I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

I wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Rebecca

 

[FroZenDeSire]

Oh. Thank you so much. It's almost freeing just knowing that one day it will stop.

That's almost the way he described it as well. I mean I probally do the same thing he does with males or whatever it's just that he's not watching me like a hawk as I do to him.

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. This is really the only thing that we fight about in our marriage and I can't wait until we are free from it. It's getting better day after day. Thank you.

 

[RJ1]

*hugs*

You're welcome.

If you ever have a hard time with it feel free to come to talk to me. You can post here or PM me. I just happend to be something that I really had to deal with too. I'm grateful that I can be of help.

Continue to pray and turn this over to God. It's amazing what He can do when we let Him work in us.

I'll keep your in my daily prayers.

Your Sister In Christ,
Rebecca

 

[Tuffguy]

Make sure your husband knows that you find him checking out other girls disrespectfull. If i was w/some girl and she whipped around and looked at some other guy she'd be driving herself home.

 

[Olivia]

Are you sure it is only insecurity on your part? H admits to looking, and does so
knowing that you're not ok with it. That in itself is wrong, not to mention all the
bible verses that say it is wrong. Men are capable of controlling themselves if they really want to.

How does H react when you bring this issue up? If he is defensive, then you both need to take a look at why he feels it necessary to defend his actions and
why he is being insensitive to your feelings.

I recommend to great books on this subject explaining why it is wrong to look:

Every Woman's Desire --Stephen Arterburn

Every Man's Battle --Stephen Arterburn

 

[FroZenDeSire]

Of course he knows I don't like it. And like I've said previously him looking at her is like me looking at her, it just at the time I go crazy and beleive other things. I've also said that we discuss this alot with out any fighting anymore. He doesn't get defensive at all.

 

[Leanna]

Olivia-- I'm glad I am not the only one who thinks men can and should keep from looking.

 

[Astronaut]

I'll pray for you.

 

[alaskamolly]

Here's a note from a woman who grew up in a family of all boys, and who's husband comes from a family of all boys! And I must partially disagree...
There's a big difference between looking at women, and then looking at a woman, if you know what I mean...




My husband goes out of his way NOT to look at a really good looking woman (or a woman who's showing a lot of her body). If he sees some hot babe coming, he will bend over backwards not to look at her, especially toward the ones who are practically begging for a good look.


I know he's human, and male...meaning, he's very turned on visually. I'm sure his flesh would love to get in a good look. But I must say, it means so much to me that he doesn't look.

There have been many times that he's not known I was paying attention, and he's still gone out of his way to turn the other way when some cute gal jogs by in a park or passes him in a store.

He's even careful with magazines (you know, the sexed up ad's that are even in newspapers and newsmagazines) he'll throw stuff like that out, or flip the page as quickly as possible--and even totally averts his eyes in the check-out line (you know, some of the trashy mag covers). We don't rent movies with a bunch of sexuality in them, either, at his request.



He just says he's... a guy, and he knows his own weakness for lust, and he doesn't want to feed it. We never talk about it much or anything--it's just the way he is, the way I've always known him to be since before we were even married (when we met in Bible College).

It makes me feel SO safe, I can't even tell you, and I appreciate it so much. I've never once questioned his faithfulness, not because I think he's some superman or something, but because I see him taking great precautions to be faithful in the little things, every single day.

As a wife, this is something I treasure.


Blessings,
Molly

 

[oldrooster]

I would never do that , I never want my wife to feel insecure. It is also very disrespectful, on both sides. I have never had a problem avoiding it.