Beauty for ashes...
I have sinned a lot in my relationship with my husband both before and after we got married. It could have been turned into something good because I repented and honestly sought God in making me a good wife and giving us a healthy and God honoring marriage. However, my husband was unwilling for that to happen. He prefered his sin over God's will and a healthy family.
Eventhough I have confessed my sins and repented, I have held onto guilt. I was called to be a missionary. I chose to marry my husband outside of God will because of fear and terrible woundedness. I knew God was telling me to stop, and I pushed through with the wedding anyway. I have always felt that I was in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, and I did not know how to get to where I was supposed to be or if it was even possible.
Yesterday while we were at the Cowgirls of Faith conference, one of the ladies who came to speak was there to show women the ways that they can bless other women. She shared with us that in the country of Sudan, most people don't get married because they believe that they have to have a white dress and a gold ring. They either choose to just live together, or stay single. So, the Southern Baptist missionaries there are asking people to donate their wedding dresses for these women of Sudan. The church members who want to get married, can use the dresses for free, just as a blessing. Women who are not Christians may borrow the dresses for only 1.00. In doing so, they are exposing themselves to the Gospel because the pastors minister to them when they come to borrow the dress. So the missionaries are using the dresses the meet a practical need for the women, and taking the oportunity to witness to them.
Now, I had wanted to get rid of my wedding ring (throw it away). I did not because God did not want me to. I was not wearing it. I did not want it at all. Since God would not let me throw it away, and it's not worth enough to even try to sell. I had thought a while back that maybe I would come accross someone who needed a wedding band and I could give it to her. While hearing this woman speak, God spoke to me about my ring, and He wants me to give it this ministry in Sudan.
Then I thought about my other ring. It was a Valentine's Day gift from my husband while we were still dating. It's cheap and fake, but it looks pretty and it has held up well. It doubled as my engagement ring. I'm much more fond of this ring than I am my wedding band because it was from a time when we were so in love, and it was such a sweet gift. As I thought about it, I wondered if I should give it, too, but I thought that it would be too hard to give it up, eventhough I have not wanted to wear it either because of the pain attached to it.
God spoke gently, softly, and with love, but authoritatively, "Move on."
I asked Him, "What? Really? This is what You want me to do? I can do this?"
He said, "Yes, move on. Let it go."
So I approached the woman during a break, and I told a little about my story, and I said that I wanted to give my ring. She had tears in her eyes. She said that another woman had offered her ring earlier, but she told the lady that it was not necessary. She felt convicted that she should allow women to give whatever they wanted to give and let them bless others as God leads them. She was happy to accept my ring(s), and she gave me her address so I can send it to her. (I did not mention the ring that I loved because I was still thinking about holding on to it
)
Then a little later one of the speakers was talking about confession, forgiveness, and guilt. This particular speaker was married to an abusive alcholic, she divorced him, and is now married to a Christian man. She said that sometimes we confess the same sins over and over again because we feel bad about it, and we think that it is conviction. The truth is that we were forgiven by God, but we have not forgiven ourselves. We choose to walk in bondage to our past sins because we won't accept the grace that God has given us, and we won't walk in the freedom of His forgiveness. Now I know this. I've known it for years. I've spoken to other people about this very thing. However, I was never able to apply it to my life, especially in this thing about my marriage and turning from my calling. But yesterday, I did apply it.
There was a group of singers called Sister Friends. They are great. They sang a song about God being an "on-time God." He may not answer when we want Him to, but He always answers on time. He always knows how to arrange things so that they land just right. After the conference was over, I approached them, and I told them about His timming for this conference, my wedding anniversary, and the thing about the dresses and rings in Sudan. One of the ladies from the group used to be a full-time international missionary. She began ministering to me. The words were just flowing out of her mouth, and she told me that God was not bothered by the events of my life because He has a new plan for me. She hugged me, and did not let go. She began praying over me and two of the other singers laid their hands on me. She prayed that God would restore the years that the locust have eaten, that He will give me a new future, and asked him to give me a specific country and to broaden my borders.
Do y'all have chills yet? The story ain't over! Hang on here with me a little longer.
Since leaving the conference yesterday, God has been talking to me. Actually, while I was there this phrases kept running through my mind, "beauty for ashes." I knew there was a song with that phrases in it, and I was hearing it as the piece in the song. This song has still not left me, in fact, I looked it up on the internet for all the words to it.
Last night I began to pray about all of this, and to look up some Scripture. I was still a little stuck on the part about forgiveness for past sins and what this whole marriage and divorce thing was going to mean in regard to the rest of my life. I was trying to take in the things I heard spoken about, and I was wondering if it was really for me and if I would be able to apply it to my life in a real way.
I looked up the "beauty for ashes" verse in the Bible. It is in Isaiah 61:3
"To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
THe oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."
God can take the terrible things and replace them with good stuff. And btw, one of my favorite things to pray is for the Lord to glorify His Name in whatever is going on for an individual, and I have prayed that countless times in regard to my marriage and my life. Did you notice the last line of that verse? "That He may be glorified." He already said He would!
Then on farther down in verse 7 it says,
"Instead of your shame you shall have double honor,
And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion.
Therefore in their land they shall possess double;
Everlasting joy shall be theirs."
See what He's saying about the sins I commited and my divorce? Instead of shame I will have double honor. Have y'all notice in these situations I'm facing I get confused and overwhelmed easily? Instead of confusion, I shall rejoice in my portion. I will possess double; I'm not claiming what the world would call riches, but I'm convinced the Lord is going to provide in very real and unimaginable ways. He's going to take care of me! Everlasting joy shall be mine. Joy, lasting joy, sounds pretty good to a person facing the things I am. The pormise of joy is indeed very precious.
I kept reading. My father and my husband never really loved me like they should have. I could not make them like me, no matter how hard I tried or what I did. I was not desired by them. They have each neglected me and harmed me. My marriage was a farce, and has been abandoned by my husband a long time ago. At this point in my life, God tells me in Isaiah 62:4-5
"You shall no longer be termed Forsaken,
Nor shall your land any more be termed Desolate;
But you shall be called Hephzibah (My Delight is in Her),
and your land Beulah (Married);
For the Lord delights in you,
And your land shall be married.
For as a young man marries a virgin,
so shall you sons marry you (I don't get this part, unless my children might take care of me at some point
);
And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
So shall your God rejoice over you."
Do you have any idea what those verses mean to me? Can you imagine? My own daddy and my own husband did not want me, yet He, the God of the Universe, Creator of the world, delights in
me! I am not forsaken! He rejoices over
me!
So I'm processing all of this, and praying and wondering what exactly I'm supposed to do and what it means for me and for others. Then I thought about my wedding dress. My grandmother made my dress for me. She was very ill, and it took her a long time. She made clothes and did alterations for a living, so her work was always very good. It looked like something you would pull off of the rack in an upscale store. My dress was going to be plain, because I did not have much money, and I bought the pattern, all the material and notions myself. She felt it was not good enough. Nothing would do her but to fix it up. Y'all she went all out. She added pearly looking beads, lacey ribbons, and pink roses. It was gorgeous by the time she got finished-and she was sick!! All because she loved me, and she wanted me to look pretty on my wedding day.
I thought that parting with the dress would be heartbreaking because it came from my grandma and she put so much into it, despite her illness. She is no longer with us, and I miss her so much. Over the years, I have looked at my dress, and it is pretty. But I looked at it with mixed emotions because it symbolized an act of rebellion, and a very painful and lonely marriage. It did not represent the joy that it should have. So, I did not look at it often, but I never wanted to part with it either because grandma made it especially for me.
I pulled it out of my closet and uncovered it. I stared at it in amazement as if it was the first time I had laid eyes on it. It is pretty! It's wonderful. My grandmother held it in her hands.
I took it into the bedroom and I hung it on the top bunk of the bed. I stood their touching it and praying. It looked so different, yet the same. There was something beautiful about it now that I had not noticed before. The only word I could think of to describe it was "wonderful." It dawned on me that God was going to use this dress for something wonderful. This dress that I defied Him to His face in. This dress my grandmother labored over. This dress that represented my misery. God has transformed it into something good. He will use it for His purposes. He is going to glorify His name with this dress and all that it has meant. He is going to turn something bad into something good!
Sanctified! The word sanctified came to mind today. My dress is sanctified, set apart for God's use. That was what I was seeing when I looked at my dress as if it were the first time. God has sanctified it, and that is why it is beautiful!
If that don't light your fire, your wood is wet!
I had dream last night. We have a dog, and sometimes he is a source of burden for us, but we do love him. In my dream, our dog was very sick. We could not take care of Him. We were unable to fix the situation in anyway. We were watching him slowly die. We would miss him, but relief was comming because soon his death would occur and the burden would be lifted. In my dream, our dog represented my marriage. Soon the death will be complete and the burden will be lifted. (BTW, in reality our dog is healthy
)
I now have visions of something grand. I'm kind of known for my visions of grandure. But I'm thinking that maybe God could be asking me to do this. I can see myself organizing a great collection of wedding dresses and possibly some rings. I can envision a large room full of used dresses and a table full of rings. I can see sending them to Sudan, and perhaps other places as well. I can see giving them to ladies right here in our area who want to get married, but can't afford a dress. Everyone wants to be pretty on their wedding day!
It is a practical way to bless people, and gives oportunity to witness, to teach about marriage, to encourage, and to lift up others. Maybe there could even be a collection of gowns for events like proms for young girls. Just think of the ministry oportunity there! If this happens, I'm thinking of calling it "Sanctified Dresses."
I'm praying, and I'm hopeful.
I expect some more sad moments and days ahead of me. But I'm also enjoying being cleansed and some amazing healing that happened in my life as this weekend unfolded, and it is continuing as all of this gets solidified in my mind and my heart, and God is still showing me more things in His promises. He is speaking over me and into my life in ways I had not expected. I am understanding all of these things that I have known for years on a whole new level. It is all so real to me now. I did nothing to make it happen. It just did. I did not work for it; I was just hoping I would make it through my anniversary. I did not expect it. God just brought it about, because it was time, and He's always on time!
This is by far, the very best anniversary I have ever had!
I'm happy.
I'm so glad divorce care is available, it has helped so many people work their way through and back to happiness. Does your church offer divorce care for kids? I'm sorry, I'm going to pray for you and your kids.
