- Sep 18, 2003
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Well, I have been wanting to get around to doing this for quite a while now. It's still very, very difficult, but I will try. It's also pretty long.
When I was five years old, I walked between two posts and it changed my life forever. After I walked through, I felt this very strange urge to get up and walk through it the other way. I felt that if i did not walk back through the two posts, that I had entered a paralell universe where everyone looked and acted the same but had different souls. I carried that thought around with me for a very long time. For years, I couldn't walk between two objects that even looked remotely alike. To do so made me dream up similiar dire consequences.
Growing up was so weird. My dad was a severe alcholic and I could never remember a time when he wasn't drunk. He was mentally and verbally abusive to me while I was growing up. He also would slap me, denounce me, humiliate me and I recall times where he hit me in the stomach with a baseball at full force and yelled at me when i started crying. always remember that he wore Old Spice cologne. The smell of that combined with the every present smell of beer was a smell I came to hate as I grew up.
My parents got divorced when I was only 10. I took it very hard and failed the 6th grade. This was hard, as I was the nerdy student who loved school and always got awesome grades. My dad would sleep naked and made my sister sleep in bed with him. As disgusting as that was, it did not compare to the time he played a game of strip Uno with 8 seven year old girls. I knew about these things and felt so powerless that I could do nothing.
It was around this time that I started to really develop strange symptoms. I became delusional and felt that the devil was trying to trick me into praying to him so he could try to steal my soul. To make matters worse, he not only was trying to steal my soul, but he wanted me to sell it for something I did not want and could only hurt me. I had to carefully gaurd myself to keep this from happening.
From ages 10-15 I suffered more abuse at not only the hands of my mentally ill father (who was in a psychiatric ward twice), but the kids in school started making fun of me and challenging me to fights. I eventually had my IQ tested at 146, which made me proud but also added to the kids who picked on me and hated me. My only saving grace at the time was my older brother who would beat up anyone who tried to get into a fight with me. But the terrible things I experienced during those years... once my dad put on a pair of bikini underwear, yelled at us all and threatened to beat us up. My stepmother raped my brother and I had to walk in on it.... everything was falling apart.
At the age of 15, I made the decision that my sister and I were going to go live with my mother. It took me standing up and challenging my dad to a fight, but he backed down and let us go. While living with my mom, I developed a new delusion. For a year, I thought that if I heard or said the word 'face' I would have to say the word 'cat' or anything I say would come true. This lasted for a while, but I was able to defeat it.
I could go on and on about the things that happened next, but many of them go in the same direction. In High School, I was an outside because everyone thought I was a psychopath. They often accused me of sacrifcing goats and worshipping demons. It became a big rumor that I was a vampire and liked to drink blood.
I eventually moved out of my moms house and into several damaging relationships. I left Christianity and became a pagan. I cast one spell and got involved with doing vision quests and things like that. For a period of 8 months, i became a drifter and just wandered around the country. 3 of those months, I lived in a car. But, I also slept on buses, benches, tents, and occasionally in train stations and parking lots.
Well, i turned my life around and started working. 5 years ago, I was living in a car and now I make more money than anyone in my family. I work hard, I have friends and I have a good car and good place to live. I thought life was perfect.
Until last march:
I was studying pagan beliefs for many years, but I guess I was an atheist to a point because I studied beliefs but never had any real confidence that they were true. I used to do spirit walks, read tarot cards, vision quests... you name it. But, I never considered that anything more than spiritual, not necessarily believing in God.
Well, one night, I was driving on the freeway to meet a date. the transmission in my car started to falter. As I kept driving, smoke started pouring in from the vents in the car and it smelled distinctly like transmission fluid. Worried beyond belief, I pulled my car off the road (Through a toll, because I had no money) and into a lonely corporate area. In the freezing cold, I called all my friends on my cell phone and no one was willing to come help me. It hurt, because I was in the middle of nowhere. So, I got out and started walking. About an hour and half into the walk, while my hands were frozen solid and I had to use the bathroom really bad, a car with two mexican guys who barely spoke a word of English pulled to the side of the road. They just got off work (they worked at Target and I work in HR, so I knew I had more money than they did). They picked me up and took me to a gas station. I was thankful, and offered them something to eat and drink while I went to the bathroom. After I was done, I got my transmission fluid, a funnel and something to eat and drink. These two guys would not let me pay for anything. They insisted on paying for it all. And afterwards, they drove me back to my car and even offered to fix it for me. I said I could handle it... they shook my hand and said "God Bless you." That caught me off gaurd but it got me thinking.
On the way home, the transmission started leaking again. I was upset and pulled off the road into a grocery store parking lot. On the verge of tears, I for some reason started singing the song "Stranded" by Heart. I had been out in the cold for hours by that time and felt I wuld never get home. After hitting my head on the steering wheel, I let the car cool off for an hour and tried again. On the way home the car wouldn't shift at all. I was stuck in the first gear. I almost started to cry and said in desperation "God, if you are out there, please get me home. Please, I just want to be home." At that very moment, the transmission shifted. It didn't work great, but it was enough. The only problem was the car was making too much noise and bothered me. So, I decided to turn on the radio. My heart skipped a beat as the first song on the radio was "Stranded" by Heart. This was a song I had not heard in ten years, but there it was on the radio, playing only a little while after I had been thinking about it. Once I got home, the car never worked again.
I thought about this for months but did not make the choice all the day to come back to Christ.
Last summer I went through what I could only describe as a nervous breakdown. I thought I accidentally sold my soul and that I was going to die. I was scared to sleep at night for the fear that I would wake up and be brutall murdered. I became distant, couldn't talk to anyone and thought about taking my life several times. My family was scared and worried that I might kill myself or do something stupid. I convinced myself that I was a paranoid schizophrenic and was going to die.
Several times during this hard time, I had things happen that I took as signs that Jesus was with me. He knew I was hurting and made that clear to me. Not through a schizophrenic delusion, though. For example, I was going to kill myself one morning and I got up to check my email before I did so. There was an email from a girl who I hadnt talked to in years. The subject line was "Jesus" It was a poem that several times told me no matter how hard life got, Jesus was my strength and would protect me.
I saw a psychiatrist and was immediately diagnosed with Severe Obsessive Compulsive disorder. I was put the highest possible dosage of paxil and had to start on antipsychotics as well. It took a while, but the delusions have left for the most part and I am a well functioning member of society. I suffered with these OCD symptoms for 23 years and had no idea. I am 28 years old and feel like I am experiencing life for the first time.
I owe it all to our lord, Jesus. He stuck with me through the hard times, even though I did not worship him. He kept showing me that he was with me. he brought me to Christian Forums as well, and CF has helped me as well.
Now, I am in therapy and still on SSRI's and antipsychotics. I can think clearly. I have been baptized and attend church every Sunday. I am trying to be the most peaceful and loving person I am.
Well, that's the short version. But, that's how I came to Christ and I can honestly say I have never been this happy.
god bless you all!
Jacob
When I was five years old, I walked between two posts and it changed my life forever. After I walked through, I felt this very strange urge to get up and walk through it the other way. I felt that if i did not walk back through the two posts, that I had entered a paralell universe where everyone looked and acted the same but had different souls. I carried that thought around with me for a very long time. For years, I couldn't walk between two objects that even looked remotely alike. To do so made me dream up similiar dire consequences.
Growing up was so weird. My dad was a severe alcholic and I could never remember a time when he wasn't drunk. He was mentally and verbally abusive to me while I was growing up. He also would slap me, denounce me, humiliate me and I recall times where he hit me in the stomach with a baseball at full force and yelled at me when i started crying. always remember that he wore Old Spice cologne. The smell of that combined with the every present smell of beer was a smell I came to hate as I grew up.
My parents got divorced when I was only 10. I took it very hard and failed the 6th grade. This was hard, as I was the nerdy student who loved school and always got awesome grades. My dad would sleep naked and made my sister sleep in bed with him. As disgusting as that was, it did not compare to the time he played a game of strip Uno with 8 seven year old girls. I knew about these things and felt so powerless that I could do nothing.
It was around this time that I started to really develop strange symptoms. I became delusional and felt that the devil was trying to trick me into praying to him so he could try to steal my soul. To make matters worse, he not only was trying to steal my soul, but he wanted me to sell it for something I did not want and could only hurt me. I had to carefully gaurd myself to keep this from happening.
From ages 10-15 I suffered more abuse at not only the hands of my mentally ill father (who was in a psychiatric ward twice), but the kids in school started making fun of me and challenging me to fights. I eventually had my IQ tested at 146, which made me proud but also added to the kids who picked on me and hated me. My only saving grace at the time was my older brother who would beat up anyone who tried to get into a fight with me. But the terrible things I experienced during those years... once my dad put on a pair of bikini underwear, yelled at us all and threatened to beat us up. My stepmother raped my brother and I had to walk in on it.... everything was falling apart.
At the age of 15, I made the decision that my sister and I were going to go live with my mother. It took me standing up and challenging my dad to a fight, but he backed down and let us go. While living with my mom, I developed a new delusion. For a year, I thought that if I heard or said the word 'face' I would have to say the word 'cat' or anything I say would come true. This lasted for a while, but I was able to defeat it.
I could go on and on about the things that happened next, but many of them go in the same direction. In High School, I was an outside because everyone thought I was a psychopath. They often accused me of sacrifcing goats and worshipping demons. It became a big rumor that I was a vampire and liked to drink blood.
I eventually moved out of my moms house and into several damaging relationships. I left Christianity and became a pagan. I cast one spell and got involved with doing vision quests and things like that. For a period of 8 months, i became a drifter and just wandered around the country. 3 of those months, I lived in a car. But, I also slept on buses, benches, tents, and occasionally in train stations and parking lots.
Well, i turned my life around and started working. 5 years ago, I was living in a car and now I make more money than anyone in my family. I work hard, I have friends and I have a good car and good place to live. I thought life was perfect.
Until last march:
I was studying pagan beliefs for many years, but I guess I was an atheist to a point because I studied beliefs but never had any real confidence that they were true. I used to do spirit walks, read tarot cards, vision quests... you name it. But, I never considered that anything more than spiritual, not necessarily believing in God.
Well, one night, I was driving on the freeway to meet a date. the transmission in my car started to falter. As I kept driving, smoke started pouring in from the vents in the car and it smelled distinctly like transmission fluid. Worried beyond belief, I pulled my car off the road (Through a toll, because I had no money) and into a lonely corporate area. In the freezing cold, I called all my friends on my cell phone and no one was willing to come help me. It hurt, because I was in the middle of nowhere. So, I got out and started walking. About an hour and half into the walk, while my hands were frozen solid and I had to use the bathroom really bad, a car with two mexican guys who barely spoke a word of English pulled to the side of the road. They just got off work (they worked at Target and I work in HR, so I knew I had more money than they did). They picked me up and took me to a gas station. I was thankful, and offered them something to eat and drink while I went to the bathroom. After I was done, I got my transmission fluid, a funnel and something to eat and drink. These two guys would not let me pay for anything. They insisted on paying for it all. And afterwards, they drove me back to my car and even offered to fix it for me. I said I could handle it... they shook my hand and said "God Bless you." That caught me off gaurd but it got me thinking.
On the way home, the transmission started leaking again. I was upset and pulled off the road into a grocery store parking lot. On the verge of tears, I for some reason started singing the song "Stranded" by Heart. I had been out in the cold for hours by that time and felt I wuld never get home. After hitting my head on the steering wheel, I let the car cool off for an hour and tried again. On the way home the car wouldn't shift at all. I was stuck in the first gear. I almost started to cry and said in desperation "God, if you are out there, please get me home. Please, I just want to be home." At that very moment, the transmission shifted. It didn't work great, but it was enough. The only problem was the car was making too much noise and bothered me. So, I decided to turn on the radio. My heart skipped a beat as the first song on the radio was "Stranded" by Heart. This was a song I had not heard in ten years, but there it was on the radio, playing only a little while after I had been thinking about it. Once I got home, the car never worked again.
I thought about this for months but did not make the choice all the day to come back to Christ.
Last summer I went through what I could only describe as a nervous breakdown. I thought I accidentally sold my soul and that I was going to die. I was scared to sleep at night for the fear that I would wake up and be brutall murdered. I became distant, couldn't talk to anyone and thought about taking my life several times. My family was scared and worried that I might kill myself or do something stupid. I convinced myself that I was a paranoid schizophrenic and was going to die.
Several times during this hard time, I had things happen that I took as signs that Jesus was with me. He knew I was hurting and made that clear to me. Not through a schizophrenic delusion, though. For example, I was going to kill myself one morning and I got up to check my email before I did so. There was an email from a girl who I hadnt talked to in years. The subject line was "Jesus" It was a poem that several times told me no matter how hard life got, Jesus was my strength and would protect me.
I saw a psychiatrist and was immediately diagnosed with Severe Obsessive Compulsive disorder. I was put the highest possible dosage of paxil and had to start on antipsychotics as well. It took a while, but the delusions have left for the most part and I am a well functioning member of society. I suffered with these OCD symptoms for 23 years and had no idea. I am 28 years old and feel like I am experiencing life for the first time.
I owe it all to our lord, Jesus. He stuck with me through the hard times, even though I did not worship him. He kept showing me that he was with me. he brought me to Christian Forums as well, and CF has helped me as well.
Now, I am in therapy and still on SSRI's and antipsychotics. I can think clearly. I have been baptized and attend church every Sunday. I am trying to be the most peaceful and loving person I am.
Well, that's the short version. But, that's how I came to Christ and I can honestly say I have never been this happy.
god bless you all!
Jacob
