I've been away and I give up?

[EgbertTheFourth]

Hello everyone,

Some people may be mad at me for leaving all a sudden, but I was an emotional wreck for quite some time. I'm sorry for what I have done/caused. I'm heading towards another difficult period, but I don't think I have what it takes (alone) to keep going on.

--- [This may be skipped for those who don't like reading]

I've been thinking a lot. At first, I was like "it's nice to be an atheist again", but I felt empty. I kept thinking there should be "something", but then again, it may have been my human delusional mind. The more I kept thinking, the more I convinced myself there was "something". So I figured, if there is "something", then that "something" could be a "someone". I called him god.

So I thought, if this is a someone, then it should have a personality. Why did he create the world? At first I figured it was just his personal sandbox. Later I thought that perhaps it could be the case that the meaning of life is to find about this god. However, if I were a god, I would make it hard to find me. I would leave some clues, but I would also confusion so that only those who seek me would find me. I started to find some clues and started thinking about them. The more I thought about it, the more confusing it became...

---

So now I'm at the point that I believe there is a god (not sure if it's Biblegod). I also feel this way because I always felt, even when atheist/agnostic, that I wanted to love something. It always felt like I wasn't using my heart's full potential and letting myself be held back because of my foolish pride. I'm also at a point where I WANT to believe, because I feel sort of helpless (despite the fact that I (will) go to a psychologist).

But the thing is, why would this god accept me now? I was so full of pride. Will he even help me through this period? Am I only trying to use him because I have a bad period now? Can I still be "saved" despite the fact that I thought bad things about the Holy Spirit? And even if I can't be saved, can I still receive God's love even when I will go to hell for blasphemy? (This is, if the Bible is true.) I rejected god (possibly the Holy Spirit too) for a long time. I don't want to use them, but I'm afraid I'm doing that.

Perhaps I should do this on my own and then ask for God's help... I already tried praying, to see if he was out there. I woke up around 5 AM and couldn't sleep. I had tears in my eyes and starting praying (don't know why, I don't know how to pray). I just asked him for help, but then got into a big mental conflict, that I wasn't allowed to ask him for any help at all.

And perhaps God thinks I should suffer or something. So I can learn. Maybe he won't help me at all. Am I testing him to see if he helps me? Is that a bad thing? I'm so confused.

Thanks in advance,

-EgbertTheFourth

(Thank you, Dania, for opening my eyes a little more. I was indeed lying to myself that I did not believe.)

 

[tapero]

.

 

[ebia]

"There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.' And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. "But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. ...'"
(Luk 15:11-32)

But the thing is, why would this god accept me now?

He won't just accept you, he will hitch up his coat-tails and come running to meet you.

 

[EgbertTheFourth]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Tapero, you're right; that's exactly what I'm afraid of. That I'm expecting something and that I will drop God if the expectation will not meet the situation. I'm afraid that because of this God will make sure the expectation will not meet the situation in either case. Well, in a way, I'm not really expecting anything specific, but still.

I think I may have to deal with the problem alone, and then decide whether I want to trust in God later? I want to trust in God now, but since I'm "new", the strength of my belief will be weak. Thus trying to rely on God for now, won't do me much God.

Hmm, or just fully trust in him, relying on him that he knows best.

And ebia, that's a beautiful story.

 

[Jayangel81]

Glad to see you come back

Keep reaching out to see Him, God will always welcome you back, the devil is just going to lie to you. as much as we dont want to admit the intelligance of satan he isnt dumb he knows you now want to come to God, congradulations youre now a threat to him, he will try everything to stop you, but please keep moving foward.

everyone including myself have been lost in the dark before coming to Christ, you deserve to be in that light.

I will be praying for you

 

[tapero]

1

 

[KOTTMatt]

Egbert Jesus is there for you. God wants you to trust Him during your hard times. If something is telling you to stay away from God then push it away. God's hand is reaching out for you and is waiting to feel the grasp of your hand holding on to His. Jesus came that we may be with God and bask in His glory. Sin is what caused man to fall away from God. There is not one single person who is rightous and has earned to be with God. Only Christ is sinless and took our place on the cross and put our sins on His shoulders that we may be cleaned in His blood.

 

[visionary]

Get real with God and God will get real with you.

Have you seriously took up God's challenge? Have you laid all your sins that you can think of on the altar of you mind and asked God to forgive you and to show you any others up there in that attic of your mind that you need need to get rid of?

God will help and will reveal sins that are standing in the way of you meeting with Him. Some of those sins may be you secret favorite sins that you are not willing to give up. They may be grudges against someone that you are not willing to forgive yourself.

Whatever the Lord shows you that are your sins, you need to ask Him to help you let go and live without. Some sins are your favorite that you may not be willing to give up. But they are worth it to meet with God.

God promised in Rev 3:20 that He will come and meet with you and talk to you ONE on one... Just as others in the Bible have meet and talked with God, so can you.

There will be no doubt in your mind about God after that meeting. Everything will make a lot more sense when God explains it too.

 

[Faith In God]

I already tried praying, to see if he was out there.

You won't "see if he is out there."
That's what faith is for.

God doesn't do that to us: why do you do it to God?
God doesn't say "Well, I wonder if he's really sincere..."
He just knows. And if you are, then He will be faithful to you.

But you have to be faithful to Him. Even when you can't see what's in front of you. If you can't go out on a limb for God, He can't use you.

 

[Nadiine]

I heard a sermon on the radio yesterday - it was about repentance and regret - that they are 2 separate things.

I'd have to ask, are you reaching for God simply to "fix things" for you & make your life great again? Or are you truly SEEKING GOD for who God is and to SERVE HIM?

God knows your inner motives that are going on - when often times we don't know what our actual motives are.

If you're seeking God to just fix things so you're happy again, you may never see Him jump in to make things well so that you can just go on to drift away from Him after you get what you want.

I'd ask you to search your real motives for seeking God - IF you love God and want to serve Him, then by all means recommit and STAY THERE no matter trials and negatives come your way.
We stay with the Lord becuz of who He is, not if He obeys our wishes and makes our life "happy happy" again.
I'd also note that MOST of the bad troubles we get into in our life are done becuz of our own bad decisions becuz we didn't seek the Lord first... not always tho, bad things often happen to us outside our own doing.

FAITH is trust without needing proof or miracles - trusting when things are good AND bad.

I pray you seek the Lord becuz of who He is AND WHAT HE'S ALREADY DONE FOR YOU - not so much what He can do to fix something.