It's time

[BrokenSilence]

I've been following this forum for a while, but I've been shy to post here. I'm not sure I belong.

All my life I've had "symptoms" (if that's what you'd call it) of being abused. Certain fears, low self worth, unexplained depression, self-injury (including certain areas...), even a couple suicide attempts. I've done TONS of research on depression and SI, trying to figure myself out I guess- only knowing that I have this pain inside and not knowing what it's from. In my research, over and over again, history of abuse was mentioned, but I always denied it.
I started talking with a counselor online (which I know is frowned upon, but I didn't know that at the time). She asked if I had been abused, and I said no. She didn't mention it again and we didn't talk often, but I continued my research.
Then one night we had a huge thunderstorm, and I started feeling very afraid, which is odd for me because I usually love thunderstorms. Then I saw this image, or flashback, of a girl being molested during a thunderstorm. After that I started having many more flashbacks, in very vivid detail. They always shake me up when I have them.
I did tell the counselor I was talking to about the flashbacks, and she said that they were probably repressed memories coming up, but she never "guided" me into recovering any memories or made any suggestions as to what happened to me, though she said that she had a feeling I had been abused since when she started talking to me. She did ask me questions about my childhood, but mostly unrelated to the flashbacks- kind of examining the surrounding time to see if other events supported these new "memories".

I'm so confused...with all the evidence it's pretty clear that these things did happen to me, but before now, I wasn't even sure if I believed in "repressed memories". I know there's always tons of controversy around it. I've always kind of had a feeling that something must have happened, because of things I've done to myself since I was about 2. It's not normal behavior, but then, for me it's always been there so I didn't question it too much. With these memories, it explains everything, but it's still hard to accept. I've always had this idea that I've had this perfect life, and that it's my fault for how I feel, that I'm not being grateful enough, and that I'm bad. In talking with my fiance though, he's told me that my life hasn't been perfect, and has actually been rather shocked about some things that I always just accepted.

Anyway, that's where I am right now...the memories are very vivid...always of sexual abuse- very bad things that I don't know if I should mention because it would bother people.

I'm sorry this is so long...I don't even know if I should be here. Thank you to whoever reads all this. With God's help, I'm getting through.

In Christ,

Broken

 

[hizlamb]

*hugs* to you broken..

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid

My heart feels for you ..hand it ALL over to Him

God bless and yer in my prayers

 

[Surviving]

Brokensilence, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. Unfortunately, I have no experience of repressed memories or how to deal with them. I just pray that God will show you the truth, and that what ever has happened, that he will help and guide you through it and give you the strength that you need.

Take care,
Surviving

 

[lilymarie]

First, hugs and my thoughts and prayers will be with you also.

I'm sure the online therapist felt a sense you may have been abused because of the self-injury. Most abuse victims punish themselves in one way or another because they think it is or was their fault.

First, know that it is not your fault. Second, it's always a good sign to break the silence because it very well could mean you now are able to deal with what happened and get to the other side of healing with Jesus Christ.

Just know you are not alone here and we're here to listen any time.

Also, have you tried looking for counseling in your area (sometimes there are free services through women's survivors groups and things like that)? Also, seeing your medical doctor too and getting some medical advice is not a bad idea either.

Please remember you need to get the anger out in a healthy way; not hurt yourself, hun. It was never your fault.

Take care and come back soon and let us know how you are doing!

 

[pokeyliz14]

First welcome to this forum. It seems to be very important to you to find out why you have these feelings. And that is fine. I hope that your are successful and you find peace. I also don't have much experiance with repressed memory. I hope someone else can help you better with that. Don't forget to update us God Bless<3

 

[BrokenSilence]

I honestly believe the memories happened. I doubted a bit at first, but there's SO much evidence that it happened throughout my life that I can't really deny it, not anymore. That's what kept me from remembering in the first place is denial.
I wanted so badly to believe that everything was perfect. I took all the blame for every bad thing that happened on myself, so it would be my fault and not anyone elses. By telling myself that I deserved whatever happened to me, I justified it, so it wasn't wrong- it's just what I deserved.
Sometimes I think it's not so much that I'm just now remembering things as I'm just now accepting them, and that lets me remember the details..

He did some really bad things.

Lily, as far as getting counseling goes, it's ust not possible in my case...I'm still living at home and my parents don't really "believe" in it per say. I've tried going to pastors and leaders in two different churches for my depression and self injury, but none of them helped at all. I just kept getting shuffled from person to person and none of them knew what to do with me.

I don't really know where to go from here..

 

[FallingWaters]

I honestly believe the memories happened. I doubted a bit at first, but there's SO much evidence that it happened throughout my life that I can't really deny it, not anymore. That's what kept me from remembering in the first place is denial.
I wanted so badly to believe that everything was perfect. I took all the blame for every bad thing that happened on myself, so it would be my fault and not anyone elses. By telling myself that I deserved whatever happened to me, I justified it, so it wasn't wrong- it's just what I deserved.
Sometimes I think it's not so much that I'm just now remembering things as I'm just now accepting them, and that lets me remember the details..

He did some really bad things.

Lily, as far as getting counseling goes, it's just not possible in my case...I'm still living at home and my parents don't really "believe" in it per say. I've tried going to pastors and leaders in two different churches for my depression and self injury, but none of them helped at all. I just kept getting shuffled from person to person and none of them knew what to do with me.

I don't really know where to go from here..

Hello BrokenSilence,

I believe you are on the right track. You sound level-headed. I don't think you're imagining things. I'm glad you said, "...it's not so much that I'm just now remembering things as I'm just now accepting them, and that lets me remember the details." I think that is the truth. It's believed that people don't unconsciously repress memories, but rather they consciously repress them- choose to bury them when they happen. So that's why I think you're doing good. You have discovered the truth.

What to do with your memories... if you have an online journal that is private - not public - I recommend that you write down all your memories and feelings there. You must feel free to be brutally honest and not edit what you write. As you write you will need to cry, you will feel angry, indignant, offended, hurt, betrayed, bitter, resentful, and other feelings. It's important that you turn to Jesus, or God the Father for the comfort that you need. While a human is good, there's just not that divine healing quality that only God can offer.

I am not sure what Christian books are out there to guide you and help you. I went to the library and thumbed through some. Even though they weren't written by Christians, I borrowed some that I thought would help me face the truth of what happened to me.

Feel free to PM or email me if I can be of any further help. I have just recently done some blogging about my own abuse- just in general terms. Feel free to read what I've written.

You can be set free from the pain, fear, and symptoms if you are not afraid to face the truth.

I am very happy for you. Healing is coming. I pray that God would lead you every step of the way, and that you would lean on Him as He leads you and guides you to the resources and people that will help you.

 

[MikiMouse]

I've been following this forum for a while, but I've been shy to post here. I'm not sure I belong.

All my life I've had "symptoms" (if that's what you'd call it) of being abused. Certain fears, low self worth, unexplained depression, self-injury (including certain areas...), even a couple suicide attempts. I've done TONS of research on depression and SI, trying to figure myself out I guess- only knowing that I have this pain inside and not knowing what it's from. In my research, over and over again, history of abuse was mentioned, but I always denied it.
I started talking with a counselor online (which I know is frowned upon, but I didn't know that at the time). She asked if I had been abused, and I said no. She didn't mention it again and we didn't talk often, but I continued my research.
Then one night we had a huge thunderstorm, and I started feeling very afraid, which is odd for me because I usually love thunderstorms. Then I saw this image, or flashback, of a girl being molested during a thunderstorm. After that I started having many more flashbacks, in very vivid detail. They always shake me up when I have them.
I did tell the counselor I was talking to about the flashbacks, and she said that they were probably repressed memories coming up, but she never "guided" me into recovering any memories or made any suggestions as to what happened to me, though she said that she had a feeling I had been abused since when she started talking to me. She did ask me questions about my childhood, but mostly unrelated to the flashbacks- kind of examining the surrounding time to see if other events supported these new "memories".

I'm so confused...with all the evidence it's pretty clear that these things did happen to me, but before now, I wasn't even sure if I believed in "repressed memories". I know there's always tons of controversy around it. I've always kind of had a feeling that something must have happened, because of things I've done to myself since I was about 2. It's not normal behavior, but then, for me it's always been there so I didn't question it too much. With these memories, it explains everything, but it's still hard to accept. I've always had this idea that I've had this perfect life, and that it's my fault for how I feel, that I'm not being grateful enough, and that I'm bad. In talking with my fiance though, he's told me that my life hasn't been perfect, and has actually been rather shocked about some things that I always just accepted.

Anyway, that's where I am right now...the memories are very vivid...always of sexual abuse- very bad things that I don't know if I should mention because it would bother people.

I'm sorry this is so long...I don't even know if I should be here. Thank you to whoever reads all this. With God's help, I'm getting through.

In Christ,

Broken

"Meaking Peace With Your Past". It's a 12-week program/study that can be done in a group, or if necessary, alone. I am in week 4, and it has turned my denial-ridden world upside down. I know that God doesn't waste our pain. I know that there is a purpose in what happened to me. I was molested for years by my step dad. By me not dealing with my past, I am not becoming all that God has in store for me. I am wasting my own pain. Sent with a prayer...

 

[FallingWaters]

"Making Peace With Your Past". It's a 12-week program/study that can be done in a group, or if necessary, alone. I am in week 4, and it has turned my denial-ridden world upside down. I know that God doesn't waste our pain. I know that there is a purpose in what happened to me. I was molested for years by my step dad. By me not dealing with my past, I am not becoming all that God has in store for me. I am wasting my own pain. Sent with a prayer...

Good for you! I am so very proud of you!

It requires a lot of courage to face the pain of your past, grieve your losses, and forgive those who hurt you. I am learning that many people refuse to do it. I feel so bad for a friend of mine because she insists on keeping her pain buried.

I want to be the best me I can be, and I know I can't do that if I am walking around wounded and constantly reacting out of my pain, instead of being free to walk in love. I'm happy for you that you have decided to face your pain. Your life will be happier for it, AND you will break the chain of abuse in your family. Praise the Lord!

 

[BrokenSilence]

Falling Waters- again, thank you for your encouragement and kind words. I have been writing out my memories in a small journal I keep in my purse when I get the chance, often during my break at work. I'm now starting to log those entries in on the computer, but there's something therapeutic about a pen and paper to me. In a way it almost seems less real though, like writing a story rather than what's happened to me- I suppose because I've denied it so long.
I've also looked into some books on dealing with abuse, but I haven't found any by christians, and some have had some rather bizarre new-ageish type exercises in them. At the same time, I do want something with practical advice, not solely christian platitudes like "Remember God loves you", "Have joy in the Lord", etc. Those are true of course, but it doesn't help me much in a practical sense.

Miki- Where could I find information about that program?

Thank you all for your support.

-Broken

 

[FallingWaters]

Falling Waters- again, thank you for your encouragement and kind words. I have been writing out my memories in a small journal I keep in my purse when I get the chance, often during my break at work. I'm now starting to log those entries in on the computer, but there's something therapeutic about a pen and paper to me.

Great! Some people prefer the pen and paper, that's okay! I'm so glad you're doing it! I suggested online journaling because for me it's the most private place I have.

I have found that when certain memories have bothered me, if I wrote them down they would stop bothering me. That left my mind free to remember the next thing, and the next thing, until finally I had reached the end - for a while. That technique is especially helpful for me when I'm angry because as a child I learned I'm "not allowed" to express anger, so journaling helps me realize what I'm feeling.

In a way it almost seems less real though, like writing a story rather than what's happened to me- I suppose because I've denied it so long.

That's an interesting insight. You're probably right. There will come a time when it will become all too real. I wonder if writing down your memories at work - I assume, with other people around - is causing some of that because you're not really free to feel it while you're writing it, unless you don't mind if people come in to find you crying your eyes out and wailing your head off. Taking time alone with God and in private where you can feel the feelings associated with the memories will eventually be important. Crying on God's shoulder, and receiving comfort and truth from Him is a major part of the healing.

I've also looked into some books on dealing with abuse, but I haven't found any by christians, and some have had some rather bizarre new-ageish type exercises in them. At the same time, I do want something with practical advice, not solely christian platitudes like "Remember God loves you", "Have joy in the Lord", etc. Those are true of course, but it doesn't help me much in a practical sense.

Miki- Where could I find information about that program?

Thank you all for your support.

-Broken

Yeah, I'm glad you can recognize "bizarre" when you see it. Not every book is meant for everybody. Finding a couple you can relate to is probably the best you can hope for. You seem to be grounded in the Lord well enough to recognize bad advice when you see it.

Some books advise confronting your abuser. I personally don't see a need for it. You can forgive that person even if they are dead. Not only that but I read that less than 10% of abusers will admit they did anything wrong, let alone apologize. Only God can convict someone of their sin. We can talk till we're "blue in the face" and it won't do a bit of good, and will probably make them even more defensive.

Making Peace With Your Past

I remember using this book, too, but it was 17 years ago so I'm a little fuzzy on how much help it was. It is written by a Christian, H. Norman Wright, so that's good. If you click on the above link, it will take you to Amazon and there are 5 Reader Reviews that each give it 5 stars. I'm tempted to read it again!