It's starting to come back

[svl3p]

I haven't cut myself in about 2 years..or just over..

But lately I've been depressed again..and the thoughts keep coming back. So far I haven't cut..right now it's more the idea than the desire coming back over and over...but i want it to stop...I don't know how strong I can be...

A bit of history...i started cutting when I was 16...until I was 20 or so....but i actually intentionally hurt myself for the first time when i was 7...

i'm trying to be strong..but even as i write this my 5 month old son is whining/crying for no reason that i can figure out and my patience is wearing thin and i just don't know how to be strong...

guess i don't really have a point to this post..just to vent i guess..

baby screaming now gtg

 

[rocklife]

I hope things get better for you

 

[anberlinfan]

Pleas dont... Think of it like smoking... you may just take one to calm you down, then another cause it makes the pain go away for a few minutes... but you just need more and more... and then it damages your life in more ways than one.
There is another way. God'll show you

 

[svl3p]

it's so hard to explain...i don't want to get back to cutting..but i want to cut..does that make sense? I know if i start again, it'll get bad quick again...and i don't want to be in that place again...but...for right now..i just don't know what to do....things just keep piling up and up and i don't know how to deal with it and i don't know how much i can take...i don't know how long i keep strong for..i don't feel strong at all....and it scares me

 

[bubblefish]

*hug* that does make sense Hun.

Is there someone you can talk to about everything that is happening and how you are feeling? Sometimes just getting my thoughts out could help, and it also means you have someone there for accountability and who can help you through the hard times.

And Hun, you are stronger than you know - going this long without cutting is an amazing achievement!

 

[Everlasting33]

it's so hard to explain...i don't want to get back to cutting..but i want to cut..does that make sense? I know if i start again, it'll get bad quick again...and i don't want to be in that place again...but...for right now..i just don't know what to do....things just keep piling up and up and i don't know how to deal with it and i don't know how much i can take...i don't know how long i keep strong for..i don't feel strong at all....and it scares me

The pain inside is deep and overwhelming and it needs a release. Most depressed individuals do not know how to cope with all of this pain and many release it in self-destructive and defeating ways.

I know that you are hurting and you want to take this pain out of you. Perhaps you feel self-hatred and disgust. Anger. Frustration. How you feel inside will ultimately be present on the outside...usually in the form of self-mutilation.

Ask yourself:

Is this behavior, in any way, going to further encourage me to overcome my issues of depression?

Will self-mutilation delay my recovery--something that I really want?

This pain hurts but does your body benefit from abuse and neglect?

If you know in your heart and soul that hurting yourself will do more harm than good, run with that and do not give into your feelings of depression, anger or frustration.

You are feeling very depressed and you want to be O.K and I know you just want to be a good mom to your adorable son.

The future has consequences and right now is your choice to make them either positive or negative. You and I really have the ability to choose to resist these cravings.

Find healthy outlets for your pain..exercise or draw. Do something that releases your angry in a healthy way.

 

[svl3p]

i know all that...i know it isn't logical or rational or wise or anything good...but that doesn't take away the temptation....i just don't know how to deal otherwise....i know on paper (or screen) the reasons to not cut are so obvious...but they're just words....inside, i can't rationalise it or help it or anything..it's just there...

 

[Everlasting33]

i know all that...i know it isn't logical or rational or wise or anything good...but that doesn't take away the temptation....i just don't know how to deal otherwise....i know on paper (or screen) the reasons to not cut are so obvious...but they're just words....inside, i can't rationalise it or help it or anything..it's just there...

I used to self-harm and I knew it was wrong, unwise and irrational also. In my state of mind, I felt it was justified and my only known coping method. In a way, I enjoyed cutting because for a time it worked for me. There is an overwhelming amount of pain in a person who self-harms and like you said, the pain cannot be fully explained or understood.

Understanding self-harm is self-destructive and ultimately self-defeating is not intended to take away your temptations to do so. When I stopped self-harm, I was still tempted to want to hurt myself although I knew it would only falter any progress I had made up onto that point. But I was given a choice; something I did not feel I had when I was severely depressed and self-harming. I knew that I had the ability to choose something better and I did. Was it always easy? No. Did I sometimes want to cut? Sure. But the point that I stuck to the facts (cutting was going to never get me to recovery) instead of feelings (I feel like I want to cut) and ultimately it led to my recovery from self-harm.

In no way am I trying to preach at you. As someone who struggled with self-harm and depression, I know how difficult it can be to break free of this sometimes addictive habit. But I am here to tell you that spite temptation, change is possible and you have the ability to choose your actions. I will never say that depression is a person's fault because most of the time it is chemical and built up emotions from childhood that can sometimes be difficult to contain. But I will say that every depressed individual must make the choice for treatment and fighting the illness or making it your reason to give up on yourself and life.

I truly care for you and I hope the best for you.