It's lonely being married to a man with Aspergers Syndrome

[vic74]

Good afternoon, family. I've read all your post and once again, endless thankyous and hugs are to be given. but my patients is wearing thin. i think i need a vacation. this man is really getting on my nerves this week.
after i let him read some of your positive comments earlier this week, he whole heartedly agreed with everything. said something nice to me as always and then proclaimed that he would do his best to try to change. WELL..........
yesterday right before he was to leave from work, he was acting suspicious, he said that he had to stop off somewhere and would be home before dinner. being the nosey wife that i am, i cheched on line for any purchases he could have made while being out. the first thing i saw was a purchase from a popuar bookstore. My first instincts were he's taking heed to the posts that he read and he went out to buy me something. about an hour later, he came home with a bag in his hands. and was acting like a little girl waiting for something promised.
I asked him "hey big daddy, what you got in the bag?"
i should have known better, it was a book on how to play backgammon better.:o
see, he knew that i wanted to get a book on the southbeach diet. and he told me to get it but i have a problem buying things for myself.
so as you can see this really [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off.
this will pass too, but once again i set myself up for failure. he asked me why i was slamming and throwing things around the whole evening, once i explained to him what was wrong, he then told me what i already knew, it just didn't occur to him to do something like that. even though i have communicated this to him in all kinds of ways. he then asked me why didn't i just get that book (southbeach diet) when we were out the last time.
i could only shake my head. and smile, but inside like the butt of a joke.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Good afternoon, family. I've read all your post and once again, endless thankyous and hugs are to be given. but my patients is wearing thin. i think i need a vacation. this man is really getting on my nerves this week.
after i let him read some of your positive comments earlier this week, he whole heartedly agreed with everything. said something nice to me as always and then proclaimed that he would do his best to try to change. WELL..........
yesterday right before he was to leave from work, he was acting suspicious, he said that he had to stop off somewhere and would be home before dinner. being the nosey wife that i am, i cheched on line for any purchases he could have made while being out. the first thing i saw was a purchase from a popuar bookstore. My first instincts were he's taking heed to the posts that he read and he went out to buy me something. about an hour later, he came home with a bag in his hands. and was acting like a little girl waiting for something promised.
I asked him "hey big daddy, what you got in the bag?"
i should have known better, it was a book on how to play backgammon better.:o
see, he knew that i wanted to get a book on the southbeach diet. and he told me to get it but i have a problem buying things for myself.
so as you can see this really [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off.
this will pass too, but once again i set myself up for failure. he asked me why i was slamming and throwing things around the whole evening, once i explained to him what was wrong, he then told me what i already knew, it just didn't occur to him to do something like that. even though i have communicated this to him in all kinds of ways. he then asked me why didn't i just get that book (southbeach diet) when we were out the last time.
i could only shake my head. and smile, but inside like the butt of a joke.

Maybe some guys on here are different, but as a whole it seems that even guys without Aspergers have trouble with this stuff. Sometimes we need to spell it out, slowly even.

 

[sally.b]

vic74...God Bless!

 

[hope4today]

Maybe some guys on here are different, but as a whole it seems that even guys without Aspergers have trouble with this stuff. Sometimes we need to spell it out, slowly even.

I gotta agree here. This seems to be a typical male issue. Dang those men sometimes

But I also understand that with the pain you already feel these things will be intensified. Maybe it will encourage you to know that you are not alone on this one.

Bless you

 

[Wantabetterlife]

I am also married to a man with aspergers. Have been for 26 years. People think they understand when they are not in our shoes. But they don't. There will be no significant changes. Don't want anyone to hold on to that hope. As doing so will lead to disappointment which could lead to bitterness. Slight changes can be made but not many. The only answers are to distract yourself and get your emotional support from others or leave him. But the fact is, it won't change. True enough it is not your fault, it is his aspergers. That doesn't do a thing for the loneliness we feel. Feel free to write me if you like.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Nvm, not responding to obvious thread necromancy.

 

[GenetoJean]

I am also married to a man with aspergers. Have been for 26 years. People think they understand when they are not in our shoes. But they don't. There will be no significant changes. Don't want anyone to hold on to that hope. As doing so will lead to disappointment which could lead to bitterness. Slight changes can be made but not many. The only answers are to distract yourself and get your emotional support from others or leave him. But the fact is, it won't change. True enough it is not your fault, it is his aspergers. That doesn't do a thing for the loneliness we feel. Feel free to write me if you like.

Wantabetterlife, welcome to CF. This thread is rather old so the sister that started it might not be on anymore. Not making your advice any less relavent, just giving you a heads up.

 

[DZoolander]

OP's profile shows last time she was on was in 2007.

So yeah.

 

[Tyger-Rose]

Good afternoon, family. I've read all your post and once again, endless thankyous and hugs are to be given. but my patients is wearing thin. i think i need a vacation. this man is really getting on my nerves this week.
after i let him read some of your positive comments earlier this week, he whole heartedly agreed with everything. said something nice to me as always and then proclaimed that he would do his best to try to change. WELL..........
yesterday right before he was to leave from work, he was acting suspicious, he said that he had to stop off somewhere and would be home before dinner. being the nosey wife that i am, i cheched on line for any purchases he could have made while being out. the first thing i saw was a purchase from a popuar bookstore. My first instincts were he's taking heed to the posts that he read and he went out to buy me something. about an hour later, he came home with a bag in his hands. and was acting like a little girl waiting for something promised.
I asked him "hey big daddy, what you got in the bag?"
i should have known better, it was a book on how to play backgammon better.
see, he knew that i wanted to get a book on the southbeach diet. and he told me to get it but i have a problem buying things for myself.
so as you can see this really [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off.
this will pass too, but once again i set myself up for failure. he asked me why i was slamming and throwing things around the whole evening, once i explained to him what was wrong, he then told me what i already knew, it just didn't occur to him to do something like that. even though i have communicated this to him in all kinds of ways. he then asked me why didn't i just get that book (southbeach diet) when we were out the last time.
i could only shake my head. and smile, but inside like the butt of a joke.

Hello are you still there? I just stumbled upon your post as I was searching for NT married to AS in a Christian setting. So much of what you wrote reminds my of my marriage to an ASH. Not everything is the same because, he doesn't like hugs from strangers. He is also very intelligent, very wise spiritually, he has a library that will rival any pastors, he is witty, etc. I could relate to your story of hoping he read the "cues" you sent him to buy you a book. Oh boy!! I learned a long time ago, when he tells me to buy myself a present, I buy myself a present. "He does not stand upon ceremonies" (Pride and Prejudice) and doesn't buy Christmas or Valentines gifts. I will never forget my first Mother's Day, when he wanted to honor his mother but did nothing for me. He said that I was not his mother!! I was so hurt. BUT...It's logical. I'm not his mother and since he is not NT he didn't understand that his role and my husband and the father of our baby that he should step in and honor me too. Communication is extremely important with and AS/NT relationship. Don't expect him to be able to read your mind. Not only are you male and female but you have a different dynamic of Neurotypical and Aspie. Also, in a normal marriage you shouldn't expect your spouse to change but for each of you to grow in grace and love in Christ. If each of you focuses on your own individual relationship with Christ you will see that the Lord is faithful to effect a change and mature your marriage. Being married to an Aspie you can't expect that aspect of him to change but you can learn to know each other better and learn to accept one another's differences. Don't give up on him. This life is different and yes it can be very lonely but it can be good too.

 

[DZoolander]

Like I said back in 2013, looks like the last time the OP was here was back in 2007.

But maybe they might be back soon? lol

 

["Aspiegrace]

Don't know if either of you are still there, but, having been married to a husband with Aspergers for 29 years, I am coming to terms with the marriage I have. Several of your stories mirror my own. I am learning to live, not expecting my joy to come from my husband; not expecting my marriage to be normal; finding ways to serve the Lord and live, even when I have to do so apart from my husband. It isn't going to be what I initially thought it would be, but I am learning that my Heavenly Father is enough. Days still get lonely, bitterness can seep in if I take my eyes off the Lord, but I am learning to trust in my Father who is always good to me. (Ps. 119:68). He has blessed me and my husband with three lovely daughters who love the Lord and fill my days with laughter. I am learning that it is okay to lament before the Lord and pour out my heart to Him, but it is not okay to despair. I cannot, because He has me in His grip. Take heart, those of you who are NT's married to someone with Aspergers. Remember too that it may not be easy for them, trying to figure out what you need. That thought helps me to have compassion for my husband on days when I want to throw a pity party. I take comfort in remembering that if the Lord has given me this marriage, there is a reason, and that reason is not because He is withholding good from me. God gives His children good things, and trials to refine us; not cause us harm. I cannot always look at things with this perspective, but He is helping me to trust Him more. (James 1:2-4)

 

[Kolson65]

Hello are you still there? I just stumbled upon your post as I was searching for NT married to AS in a Christian setting. So much of what you wrote reminds my of my marriage to an ASH. Not everything is the same because, he doesn't like hugs from strangers. He is also very intelligent, very wise spiritually, he has a library that will rival any pastors, he is witty, etc. I could relate to your story of hoping he read the "cues" you sent him to buy you a book. Oh boy!! I learned a long time ago, when he tells me to buy myself a present, I buy myself a present. "He does not stand upon ceremonies" (Pride and Prejudice) and doesn't buy Christmas or Valentines gifts. I will never forget my first Mother's Day, when he wanted to honor his mother but did nothing for me. He said that I was not his mother!! I was so hurt. BUT...It's logical. I'm not his mother and since he is not NT he didn't understand that his role and my husband and the father of our baby that he should step in and honor me too. Communication is extremely important with and AS/NT relationship. Don't expect him to be able to read your mind. Not only are you male and female but you have a different dynamic of Neurotypical and Aspie. Also, in a normal marriage you shouldn't expect your spouse to change but for each of you to grow in grace and love in Christ. If each of you focuses on your own individual relationship with Christ you will see that the Lord is faithful to effect a change and mature your marriage. Being married to an Aspie you can't expect that aspect of him to change but you can learn to know each other better and learn to accept one another's differences. Don't give up on him. This life is different and yes it can be very lonely but it can be good too.

Hello. Are you still on this forum?

 

[Kolson65]

Don't know if either of you are still there, but, having been married to a husband with Aspergers for 29 years, I am coming to terms with the marriage I have. Several of your stories mirror my own. I am learning to live, not expecting my joy to come from my husband; not expecting my marriage to be normal; finding ways to serve the Lord and live, even when I have to do so apart from my husband. It isn't going to be what I initially thought it would be, but I am learning that my Heavenly Father is enough. Days still get lonely, bitterness can seep in if I take my eyes off the Lord, but I am learning to trust in my Father who is always good to me. (Ps. 119:68). He has blessed me and my husband with three lovely daughters who love the Lord and fill my days with laughter. I am learning that it is okay to lament before the Lord and pour out my heart to Him, but it is not okay to despair. I cannot, because He has me in His grip. Take heart, those of you who are NT's married to someone with Aspergers. Remember too that it may not be easy for them, trying to figure out what you need. That thought helps me to have compassion for my husband on days when I want to throw a pity party. I take comfort in remembering that if the Lord has given me this marriage, there is a reason, and that reason is not because He is withholding good from me. God gives His children good things, and trials to refine us; not cause us harm. I cannot always look at things with this perspective, but He is helping me to trust Him more. (James 1:2-4)

Hello. Are you still on this forum?

 

["Aspiegrace]

Still here, but I don't check in often. If you reply, I will get a message, and will reply back.

 

[Kolson65]

Still here, but I don't check in often. If you reply, I will get a message, and will reply back.

Thank you for responding! I found this forum today as I was searching for some kind of understanding. You were the only one that had posted recently. I’m at a very bad place and need to talk to someone that understands.

 

["Aspiegrace]

Thank you for responding! I found this forum today as I was searching for some kind of understanding. You were the only one that had posted recently. I’m at a very bad place and need to talk to someone that understands.

I am sorry. I know it can be difficult. I will be praying for you this evening. Do you have a spouse who has been diagnosed, or whom you suspect has Aspergers? Mine has not been diagnosed, but I suspect that is the case, and I am in the process of finding a counselor related to the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors to ask for help with discernment. I am in a much better place than I was several years ago, now that I have done some reading, and praying, to grow in understanding my husband. He has grown some too, but I am under no illusion that things will ever be easy I do believe they can be better as I continue to learn. I am not trying to change him anymore; but I am learning to change the way I respond to my situation, to lean on the Lord, and to give myself some space to recover when things are especially hard; not in a selfish way, but in a way that allows me to rest in Him so I can continue to show Christ's love to my husband. I am also not talking about being a doormat or a martyr, but one of the Lord's children, learning to love as He loves us.

 

[anewday]

I came back on here after months of being absent to ask for prayers for my stomach knotting chronic anxiety, and stumbled on this post. I've posted off and on about me and my husband's difficult marriage. I won't rehash stuff, but earlier this year, we both concluded that he has Asperger's. It doesn't make how he treated me right, but explains a lot of things about him and his behavior.

My situation is not the same as others here, but I feel for all of you. I know how lonely and frustrating being married to someone with Asperger's can be. I do agree that communication is huge to have a successful marriage with someone with Asperger's.

I know I can't change my husband, but I can let him know that when he is being very literal that it sometimes hurts my feelings. And I love the fact that he listens and tries to respond in more loving ways to me.

Praying for all of you!

 

[Llleopard]

Hi. I'm also happy to talk with anyone if it will help. I am a moderate aspie married to a NT for 10 years. I am also Ace, which adds a layer of interesting! My Dad is more aspie than I am, and my mom has really struggled with this over the 55 years of their marriage. Much of what I'm reading here is very like them. I would stress that being aspie is not that we are broken or need counseling or fixing. We just process and think differently to you. We do love our partners very much, and sometimes find them as bewildering as you do, us!