I am just so miserable at the moment...
2 years ago I started self-injuring... Have struggled with low self esteem and low moods for quite a long time now.
In October I found out my parents marriage of 27 years is breaking down - my dad is having an affair. He is, for some unknown reason, still living with us. He works 7am til at least 7pm, and the lady he is having an affair with is at work. So he goes to work to see her and then comes home to us. I absolutely loathe this situation.
I am in counselling and recently my counsellor has said she thinks I am depressed and is sending me to the doctor to get checked over.
A week ago, my 2 1/2 year long relationship ended. This is the relationship I thought I was gonna be in for a long time yet. I put so much into it and now I just feel so lonely, so horrible. I miss him so, SO much. I can see why this had to happen... and sometimes I feel OK about it... but other times I just feel so low, so upset.
When me and my boyfriend were together, I always thought that if I lost him, that would be it for me... i.e. suicide. I know that wasn't a healthy attitude to have. And remarkably, a week into the break up, I'm still here. I'm relying on God more than before. So I guess that's progress.
But sometimes I just think... What am I living for? I go to uni, training to be a teacher. But sometimes I just think, what's the point? It's so much effort and I really have little motivation. I was so looking forward to this summer, but now I have nothing to do - no job (I was hoping to get some temping work where my boyfriend worked - but now that's not an option), I'm going on no holidays... So it seems like I'm gonna be wasting the three months of holiday that have been keeping me going through uni. I now can't even aspire to the end of uni when I thought I'd get married and stuff, because now I don't have a boyfriend. I feel like I've lost faith in people - and I don't know if that's a good lesson to learn or a bad one. I just feel like I've got nothing going for me, I want to give up. So many times I've said to God I'm ready to go home, that I don't want to be here anymore. I know that God has a plan for me... But I just hate this so much. I don't want to go through with it. I feel like I've lost everything, I have nothing else to live for. The only thing I'm hanging on to is God, which even though its essential, it's easier said than done because its still hard to see the purpose in the pain. I can't see my future. I'm so miserable. I've lost just about everything I had faith in, bar God.
I don't even know what the point of this post is... I just had to get it out. I feel like giving up, I feel like getting out of here. I don't want to feel this way anymore. It feels like I'm never going to get better, I've tried so many times...
Sorry for ranting...
2 years ago I started self-injuring... Have struggled with low self esteem and low moods for quite a long time now.
In October I found out my parents marriage of 27 years is breaking down - my dad is having an affair. He is, for some unknown reason, still living with us. He works 7am til at least 7pm, and the lady he is having an affair with is at work. So he goes to work to see her and then comes home to us. I absolutely loathe this situation.
I am in counselling and recently my counsellor has said she thinks I am depressed and is sending me to the doctor to get checked over.
A week ago, my 2 1/2 year long relationship ended. This is the relationship I thought I was gonna be in for a long time yet. I put so much into it and now I just feel so lonely, so horrible. I miss him so, SO much. I can see why this had to happen... and sometimes I feel OK about it... but other times I just feel so low, so upset.
When me and my boyfriend were together, I always thought that if I lost him, that would be it for me... i.e. suicide. I know that wasn't a healthy attitude to have. And remarkably, a week into the break up, I'm still here. I'm relying on God more than before. So I guess that's progress.
But sometimes I just think... What am I living for? I go to uni, training to be a teacher. But sometimes I just think, what's the point? It's so much effort and I really have little motivation. I was so looking forward to this summer, but now I have nothing to do - no job (I was hoping to get some temping work where my boyfriend worked - but now that's not an option), I'm going on no holidays... So it seems like I'm gonna be wasting the three months of holiday that have been keeping me going through uni. I now can't even aspire to the end of uni when I thought I'd get married and stuff, because now I don't have a boyfriend. I feel like I've lost faith in people - and I don't know if that's a good lesson to learn or a bad one. I just feel like I've got nothing going for me, I want to give up. So many times I've said to God I'm ready to go home, that I don't want to be here anymore. I know that God has a plan for me... But I just hate this so much. I don't want to go through with it. I feel like I've lost everything, I have nothing else to live for. The only thing I'm hanging on to is God, which even though its essential, it's easier said than done because its still hard to see the purpose in the pain. I can't see my future. I'm so miserable. I've lost just about everything I had faith in, bar God.
I don't even know what the point of this post is... I just had to get it out. I feel like giving up, I feel like getting out of here. I don't want to feel this way anymore. It feels like I'm never going to get better, I've tried so many times...
Sorry for ranting...
