Depression...always there when i least want it. Goes away and then comes back. I must be a horrible sinner to be tormented with this mental illness. Is this how the rest of my life will be? How fun to look forward too. I hate myself and my life. I wish i could go back in time and... Prevent my birth somehow. I dont know what im saying anymore .... I was going to self harm tonight but instead sinned another way. Ugh im disgusted by myself....why oh why did God make me this way? Negative, weak, lonely, hypocrite... How do you happy all the time people do it? Give me your happiness. I need to learn how to live... Living is the hardest, most difficult thing to do. Life is the hardest game...by the looks of it, it seems like i might loose. What's the biggest war you ever fought? Mine is battling myself......im just trying to let out my feelings....so i wont be tempted to actually go thru with the self harming.... Even if nobody cares to reply. I just need to free my thoughts because i bottle them up every single day. I think my family is starting to suspect im depressed, they cant know. Theyll laugh at me. Theyll just say im exaggerating, or call me stupid.This is something nobody wishes to deal with and out of my family, it seems im the one cursed. If i could have 1 wish, it wouldnt be to have money, or fame, or attractive looks, or a lot of friends....it would be to be a positive person. How was my sister blessed with a good husband and 3 kids, good job when she isnt even a big of a christian as me? Why is everyone in my family blessed with a job they love but not me? Why is God testing me like this. I cant. I just cant keep pretending to be happy when im dead inside. How did it ever get this bad.....i never thought in a million years that i would be the one auffering from depression. I hate my life.
