Issue with a friend

[scott29]

I have been playing in a Christian band with someone for a couple of months and am really being tested. I want there to be peace in our ministry but this person appears to have a lot of pride and is passively controlling (passive aggressive) with everything from song writing to Christianity in general. He also tends to be very judgemental of others if they don't measure up to his Christian standard. What drives me crazy is that he pushes every single button I have, and I've never had someone irritate me on as many levels as he does. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place because I want to continue building this ministry and playing for the Lord but I'm having a hard time dealing with the situation. I'm a peacemaker by nature, but that is slowly fading away and being replaced with anger and frustration. I feel like the band should be focused on the Lord and not on our own personal agendas, but every time we get together there is always some kind of tension or differing viewpoint that throws everything off track. Quite plainly, we just don't see eye to eye and I am really doubting if we ever will.

Does anyone have any words of advice on how I should procede with my situation? Every time I bring up a problem I have and try to bring something out in the open, he somehow twists it to make me feel like I'm being irrational or he becomes defensive and 'sarcastic', even paranoid. I have real doubts about whether or not this ministry can continue with me in it, which feels selfish since I'm doing it for the Lord. I've been in quite a few secular bands and I must admit, I've never had any problems. It's so much harder to get along with other Christians musically, I guess. The thought has crossed my mind to ditch this effort and go back to secular music where the musicians are nicer to each other (strange, but very true). It should probably be noted that he's younger than I am and still immature. That's makes the problem much harder to deal with. I feel like I need to set an example but I'm dealing with my own pride issues - I just can't let someone walk all over me and just 'ride it out'.

I'm desperate to figure out what God wants me to do. Am I being tested? I just can't deal with this garbage every time we get together. Any bible verses or suggestions would be very appreciated. Thanks

 

[Rafael]

I played in a Christian band too, for many years. Going back into the world is a bad choice IMO, but sticking in there and having patience would be good. Learning how to deal with the more unlovely situations is a test, as you have said, and the time learning to work through problems and think them out could pay off with satisfaction of being steadfast and proving your friends paranoia to be unfounded. Nothing comes easy with God, it seems, and the enemy always manages to get a foothold in situations.
I'd pray in detail about the situation to the Lord and lift it all up to Him, as all promotion and things of worth come from the Father of lights, and if it is His will, something real good will come out with your faith and faithfulness. Pray to have a numbness to when you antagonist pushes so-called buttons, and that God would take away anger and hostile feelings. Repent of them and call them what they are, confessing in agreement with God that they are sin.
I know where you go and what you get playing in the world. Been there done that, to my detriment. Hang in there with God to see a future full of blessing whether or not you have a chance at making music. Let God work it out for you with you standing fast. After a while longer it will become more clear what to do if any action is required on your part, as God will let you know.

 

[Iktomi]

Just a quick note here. It seems to me it would also be good to remember that you seem to be the mature one, whatever position he wants to take in the band. Try to see him as God sees him. Be an example, and when he gets himself into trouble, be there to help him learn from the mistakes. When I say trouble, what I mean is that eventually this attitude is going to affect his ministry. Someone is going to see his actions and eventually confront him with his hypocrisy. Especially if your band is drawing crowds. If you want the band to stay together, then you should try to stay peaceful. However, this is assuming we are talking about character flaws.
If he is in sin, then you have to confront him.
-Damon

 

[Techbot]

If all else fails, start your own band. I played guitar and backup vocals in a band for years here in the Houston area. My brother and I wrote the lyrics and played the instruments and we had a friend do the lead vocals. Now he was from a family who listened to contemporary music and my brother and I were into Christian rock/alternative. He had the voice for our style of music and we were all great friends, so he sang for us. We got into a few disagreements about music and style, but it was always decided that we would do what we were lead to do. After praying it over and coming back together we'd make changes to our music or he'd make changes to his style according to what God had placed on our hearts.

Try that with your friend. Suggest something. If he swats it down, tell him that you feel it needs consideration and that the band should pray about it and discuss it the next day (or whenever you meet again). If he truly cares about the ministry and isn't in it for the self gratification (which can easily come on when you're on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands) then he'll let God make the necessary changes in his heart.

 

[Rage4Christ]

scott Looks like its time for you to learn a new skill: Boundary enforcement.

In all honesty, it sounds like this guy is a #1 manipulator, and is exploiting your nice guy, peacemaker personality.

Now, I know this will sound like new age, theraputic psychological pseudobabble, but hear me out.

You need to determine exactly how you feel. Then you need to reflect that back to him-- with conditions.

For example, you could say, "I love you. But, when you _______________, I Feel __________. I prefer not to feel this way. What are we going to do about this? If you continue to behave this way, I will have no choice but to leave the group."

Only really deluded deranged people will tell you your feelings are wrong (which is a pretty good sign you should leave the band.)

This is usually a pretty good approach because it is non-accusatory. You can do this with unconditional love, because you are not Judging the other person. Don't ever use "you" statements. Ie. "you're irrational and paranoid." That just puts him on the defensive and there will be no open communication.

You are entitled to stick up for what you want. You may feel "selfish" but remember, God loves you unconditionally. God wants you to be happy. Don't manipulate yourself with Guilt. It is often much easier to wallow in self-pity and guilt than to stick up for yourself, explore your emotions, and risk the scorn of others.

I warning you, this is very hard. Puting words to your emotions, and then making a value judgement on just how much you can tolerate is difficult. Pray, do some introspection-- learn who you are, and what you are worth. You are worth sticking up for. You are entitled to happiness. Christ instructs us to love unconditionally--- that also means you must love yourself unconditionally. Love yourself, stick up for yourself, and take the difficult path to make hard choices. That's what life is all about.

If he rejects you, if the band falls apart that is the Choice he has made as much as it is your choice.

 

[scott29]

Thanks raphe for pointing out my own sin in this matter. I've been so caught up in my frustration that I lost sight of the fact that I was sinning as well.

To everyone who responded, thank you - the advice kept me from doing something stupid. It's human nature to try and take the wheel when God is driving, and that's what I would be doing if I reacted out of anger and left the group in haste. Instead I will pray that God heals any divisions we may have and leave it in His hands. All I can do is be a good Christian myself and try to do the right things in God's sight. Everything beyond that is out of my control. That being said, Rage4Christ makes a good point about setting boundaries. Although Jesus was meek, he was noone's doormat. When he needed space, he took it - even if it meant turning someone away.

Again, thanks for all of the wise responses.
God bless