Is Trust a Bad Word?

[over the rainbow]

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[mjmcmillan]

Only if it's abused. The problem is that sooner or later you have to trust someone. None of us are strong enough to bear our burdens alone, so reaching out and trusting someone else is the only choice we've really got.

No marriage can live long without trust. No deep, personal relationships can live long without trust. Our relationship with God Himself would be in a real pickle if we don't believe we can trust Him. So, no, I don't think trust is a bad word. When used rightly, it's one of the best words we have in the English Language.

 

[Criada]

It's not a bad thing, sweetie... but it's a fragile one, and once it's broken, it is very difficult to rebuild. But, it isn't impossible
Just give yourself time, and don't try to force it.
And remember, even when you feel you can't trust other people, God is always trustworthy.

 

[RuthD]

I have been having troubles with trust lately and was very hurt when someone betrayed my trust. I just decided not to talk to those people and not to go where they go-a place we have in common. I feel better now that I've done it. And I will not miss the place I used to go to because it is not run well.

What some do regardiing trust, they tell someone they want to be associated with, something unimportant to you if anyone knew. Keep doing this and see what happens. Your heart will tell you if you can trust him/her.

 

[over the rainbow]

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[Criada]

It's hard to know how it's done... I tend to trust people too much, and often get thurt because of it. And yet, I still trust the next person to come along. More often than not, I am proved right, most people don't betray that trust, even when they don't understand... but there will always be some who will.
I think, perhaps, it's a case of looking at the alternatives and deciding which you can live with... risking that you will sometimes be let down, or living in isolation through fear of that happening. And the answer will be different for each of us, it's not 'right or wrong', but which is the greater risk for you, at this time.
There have been times when I have isolated myself, because that was the only way I could protect myself. Now I try to be open because I think that is the only way I will overcome the past and live a 'normal' life. But if I had done this a few years ago, I couldn't have coped with the times it doesn't work out.

It's a case of knowing where your boundaries are, what you have the strength to deal with at the moment, and then taking small steps. It sounds as though you have been isolating and now you are ready to begin to let yourself trust. It's scary, but... take little steps, start talking to people who you think might be 'safe' and move on from there.


You can do it, sweetie.

 

[LaBarre]

lifewanderer,

Wow. Such a simple question; how do you trust? But such a difficult process to understand.

I was very much like you - people were dangerous. I had counseling, but didn't specifically work on "how to trust people". Some of that ability, simply came over time as I experienced different types and levels of relationship.
These included things such as getting to know neighbors, using taxi drivers, meeting people at parties...etc.

It was little steps, and short time periods of trust. The taxi ride where the transaction was professional. The conversation with the neighbor that was sincere and respectful. Five minutes at a time.

Then there were medium steps. Accepting an invitation for coffee at a neighbor's. Relaxing at a party when I found I could let people get to know me, just a little bit.

There were a few large steps too. Like needing to go to the emergency room during a holiday, and calling a an acquaitance for help. Someone who struck me as calm and compassionate. Finding they were all of that...and more. (someone who is now a very good friend)

At the time, I didn't realize that I was learning how to trust. Trust starts out in little packages.

There also was an event that caused an instant change in me - including a drastic improvement in my ability to trust.

During this event, it dawned on me how dysfunctional and clueless my family was. I also finally understood that none of this was my fault or responsibility.

That turning point brought me freedom. My family no longer had power over me. I had the power, and choices. With those two things, I had control in my life, so trusting is no longer an issue with me.

Is there a chance someone will hurt me? Yup. And it's happened. Sometimes accidentally, and sometimes not. When it was intentional, I used my power and choice, to end the relationship. I din't have to stay hurt. I can take care of myself.

You will somehow find the way to trust, Lifewanderer, or trust will find you. It may not be as fast as you want, but it will be as fast as you can handle.

(Something for you to think about....it's possible you already have some ability to trust and it hasn't been used yet.)

I hope it happens soon for you.



All the best,
LaBarre

 

[over the rainbow]

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[puregrl]

baby steps are a good way to start. I used to be able to trust anyone...trust of a child is how people called it. But then i was abused and now that trust is gone. I dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. So i know how you feel on the topic. I will have to start with the baby steps again. But the question is when is it safe to venture out there again?

 

[cherishmj]

I think everyone has given you some really good advice, especially suggesting baby steps. Despite your fears, it is good that you are able to look back and see how far you have come, I think being able to see how far you have come in learning to trust is a major step and a major encouragement to yourself. I have struggled with trust my entire life because many whom I have trusted in the past have taken advantage of it. I have struggled with both ends of the spectrum, from trusting no one to trusting too much. I have found that you need to bring it all into balance. I know easier said than done.

I still have days when it is very hard for me not to shut people out but there are times that I have to remind myself of the risks involved with that, such as am I risking a potentially good friendship, or a chance to help or minister to someone else, because of my mistrust? Am I giving the impression that I myself am untrustworthy if I can not be open enough to trust someone myself? These are good questions to ask myself sometimes. Also, asking myself, in times when someone has lost my trust was it because they did something to intentionally hurt me or did they do something that maybe they don't even realize may have hurt or offended me? (I have found that sometimes just standing back and looking at those situations have been helpful because there have been times that I have felt wronged by someone and they didn't even realize that what they had done was hurtful to me because they never meant it to be hurtful).

I also have found it helpful in learning that in my life, yes, there is a big, big risk with lowering my walls, and letting people in, and learning to trust them, and I could get hurt and sometimes do get hurt in the end, but when I do open up and begin to trust and I end up having a wonderful relationship with that person in the long run, it was worth all of the initial fear of "what if I can't trust this person?". I have learned along the way that just because a lot of people have hurt me in the past does not mean that everyone is going to hurt me, I think learning that is what has helped in the healing process of trust.

Just take it one day at a time, and don't be hard on yourself if you have a bad day with it or take a step back because it is never too late to start again, if you just let the next step take be forward

 

[over the rainbow]

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[Thankful For Grace]

Dear Cindy,

Here is the secret. People who choose to trust other Christians are trusting the Christ in others. We are all, we humans, frail creatures who will, no matter how much we desire to help others, fail from time to time--but Jesus Christ will never fail us.

We love God because He first loves us. We choose to love each other because God loves each of us, no matter how many mistakes we have made along the way.

Don't ever place your trust in man--but always place your trust in God. When man fails you, forgive him, just like Jesus forgives us. That is the key. We are all pathetic without Christ, but with Him, we can be overcomers.

Love to you in Christ,

tfg

Thank you mjmcmillan, Criada and Ruth, for listening and lending some advice.

I'm beginning to think it's better to just not trust. I'm finding it hard to discern who is safe and who is not.

People are scary. But I see people who just trust. Sometimes they get hurt, but they keep on trusting. Getting hurt, hurts them, but they are somehow able to see it as a human mistake rather than an act of "out to get them."

So how is that done? My therapist keeps saying, just take time to check out people, to see if they are safe. But it's been 6 years that I've been going to her and frankly, I still have in the back of my head that she will turn on me.

I'm not proud of this. In fact, I don't like this about me at all. It's not protection or survival. I see it as pride. I see it as protecting myself so much that I'm just screaming "no one on this entire planet can be good enough for me to trust." This is sinful. This hurts people. This makes people feel that they can never be good enough for me to trust.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to hurt people or myself anymore with my mistrust and fear. I don't want to live behind a brick wall any longer.

People who know me on the outside see a bright, energetic, positive person who speaks honestly about things. But truly on the inside I am paranoid and mistrustful.

I want the persona of what people see to be me through and through.

I want to trust. I want to not be afraid.

I want to get rid of these strongholds.

I prayed to God to help me with this.

I just want to know if anybody has some kind of secret to this. I have read people's stories here. You have all had to endure so much pain and suffering. And yet you trust. I want to know your secret

Cindy

 

[over the rainbow]

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