sorry if this post is LONG but it's a little bit complex:
from the time i was a small boy until about 17 i always felt in need to be loved more than what i was getting. i had a very complicated childhood due to family/international issues (that story IS too long!), and can remember being depressed almost all the time. growing up, i also developed what i can only call 'bisexuality' because it's a bit hard to classify. i was attracted to teens of both sexes my own age and some younger, around 13yo being the earliest.
when i was 18 or so, we moved to a new house (that would be about our 10th move up to then). after some time settling in, my younger brother started making friends with the neighbors, who were 9-12yo, four boys. they would hang out and around our house ALL the time, even sleeping over and such, and after a couple months, since i was home most of the time (no activities that required leaving the house in the afternoon after work) the boys i guess got used to me and began being friends with me also. nothing wrong there...
but after a couple months, one of the boys, who was 11 at the time started spending more time with me than with the rest of the group. he would even come over to the house just to hang out with me. i just took it as no big deal and let him 'cause he seemed to actually enjoy my company, and i didn't want to be mean or anything like that.
well, after a couple more months of this i started realizing that for some reason i wasn't so sad anymore. i wasn't moping around the house with my head down all the time, i was smiling more, enjoying life...and i couln't figure it out until one particular day when i was sitting outside with him it just hit me that this kid was making my life so much better. he was sharing all this joy and innocence and curiosity with me, things that i needed so much because of my own childhood; and i felt LOVED. i sensed a very special bond that was forming between us, and i thanked god because i felt something i didn't know existed until that relationship. i think it made me understand the real nature of love, in its true essence. it's very hard to put in words.
i started being more active as an actual friend and not just a 'recipient of friendship' if that makes sense. the problem is that as time grew i became more and more attached to him. i started having some very strong feelings for him, feelings that were not sexual, but quite unsettling, because i started to 'need' him.
altogether our friendship lasted 3 years, and towards the end, i was crying all the time and didn't know what to do because i was gonna move away shortly and miss him a ton. i wanted to tell him before i left how i felt and what he had done for me, he was 13 by then, but i never worked up the courage to say anything.
it's been 3 years since i moved away and it's taken me that long to truly 'get over it'. in that period i went through the hardest and most painful part of my life sofar. it was THAT hard to let go. that's why i'm writing this. in my heart and mind i'm sure our friendship and all the ways it changed me for the better was a good thing, but always in the back of my head there was that little voice that 'maybe i was a paedophile' and coulnd't see it, since it's not very normal for a grown guy to be so close to a boy that age. i've always been wracked by (apparent) guilt and wondered if the way i handled our friendship was wrong. i've never loved anyone (apart from my family) the way i loved him, but i've never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter), and my feelings for him weren't 'dirty', still. i continue to be confused.
on top of it all, i'm temporarily nearby so i can go visit him soon. we've always kept in touch so he knows i'm here and wants me to go see him, and i will. but i'm afraid that once i see him face to face these feelings will spring forth again and i'll be tempted to tell him everything and it'll be weird and just plain stupid to do so...
i'm just so confused and feel guilty, but i don't know if there's anything to feel bad about. does anyone have advice/suggestions??? and sorry for being so wordy!
from the time i was a small boy until about 17 i always felt in need to be loved more than what i was getting. i had a very complicated childhood due to family/international issues (that story IS too long!), and can remember being depressed almost all the time. growing up, i also developed what i can only call 'bisexuality' because it's a bit hard to classify. i was attracted to teens of both sexes my own age and some younger, around 13yo being the earliest.
when i was 18 or so, we moved to a new house (that would be about our 10th move up to then). after some time settling in, my younger brother started making friends with the neighbors, who were 9-12yo, four boys. they would hang out and around our house ALL the time, even sleeping over and such, and after a couple months, since i was home most of the time (no activities that required leaving the house in the afternoon after work) the boys i guess got used to me and began being friends with me also. nothing wrong there...
but after a couple months, one of the boys, who was 11 at the time started spending more time with me than with the rest of the group. he would even come over to the house just to hang out with me. i just took it as no big deal and let him 'cause he seemed to actually enjoy my company, and i didn't want to be mean or anything like that.
well, after a couple more months of this i started realizing that for some reason i wasn't so sad anymore. i wasn't moping around the house with my head down all the time, i was smiling more, enjoying life...and i couln't figure it out until one particular day when i was sitting outside with him it just hit me that this kid was making my life so much better. he was sharing all this joy and innocence and curiosity with me, things that i needed so much because of my own childhood; and i felt LOVED. i sensed a very special bond that was forming between us, and i thanked god because i felt something i didn't know existed until that relationship. i think it made me understand the real nature of love, in its true essence. it's very hard to put in words.
i started being more active as an actual friend and not just a 'recipient of friendship' if that makes sense. the problem is that as time grew i became more and more attached to him. i started having some very strong feelings for him, feelings that were not sexual, but quite unsettling, because i started to 'need' him.
altogether our friendship lasted 3 years, and towards the end, i was crying all the time and didn't know what to do because i was gonna move away shortly and miss him a ton. i wanted to tell him before i left how i felt and what he had done for me, he was 13 by then, but i never worked up the courage to say anything.
it's been 3 years since i moved away and it's taken me that long to truly 'get over it'. in that period i went through the hardest and most painful part of my life sofar. it was THAT hard to let go. that's why i'm writing this. in my heart and mind i'm sure our friendship and all the ways it changed me for the better was a good thing, but always in the back of my head there was that little voice that 'maybe i was a paedophile' and coulnd't see it, since it's not very normal for a grown guy to be so close to a boy that age. i've always been wracked by (apparent) guilt and wondered if the way i handled our friendship was wrong. i've never loved anyone (apart from my family) the way i loved him, but i've never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter), and my feelings for him weren't 'dirty', still. i continue to be confused.
on top of it all, i'm temporarily nearby so i can go visit him soon. we've always kept in touch so he knows i'm here and wants me to go see him, and i will. but i'm afraid that once i see him face to face these feelings will spring forth again and i'll be tempted to tell him everything and it'll be weird and just plain stupid to do so...
i'm just so confused and feel guilty, but i don't know if there's anything to feel bad about. does anyone have advice/suggestions??? and sorry for being so wordy!
