Is this what most marriages look like?

[hokieguy]

What should a normal married sex life be like?

We have been together for 9 years and married for 7 of them.

Sex is not very frequent, maybe two days in a row, then two weeks off.

She doesn’t like to talk about sex and most of the time comes to bed saying “I just want to sleep tonight.” We have nine month old, so I understand that she is tired. But shouldn’t there be something left for me. And yes, I do help out when I get home from work.

Also, when we do make love, she pretty much just lies there, she doesn’t seem to be interested in it, even then.

The other day, I called home and asked her to be wearing a red bra when I got home. Two reasons: I like her in it, and I wanted to start her thought process toward later. When I got home: a white bra, no mention of it, and no sex that night.

What’s the deal? Is this what most marriages look like?

 

[hokieguy]

Wow, I sure am getting a lot of help here. Seven people have looked, no one has left even a comment saying "Yep, that's married life."

 

[Warrior Poet]

Well when I was married that sounds about right i was with her for 7 years, and we actually had really conflicting schedules but sex wasn't all the frequent and when we did she was always responsive so, i think that it is to different for every couple. I think there are some that might have it 4-5 times a week others that go once a month, and that is how it is with them. I think that none at all in a marriage is unhealthy, but that is just my opinion. There might be some unsaid things on her end that are making act like this when it comes to sex. Again just a thought.

Warrior Poet

 

[TCapp]

Now I don't want to seem to be comletely taking any one's side. But a 9 month old baby takes a lot out of you. You deal with bawling, pooping, peeing, feeding, and so on. If she nurses the baby, she also gets overwhelmed with being touched (yes, it can happen).

When my boy was younger, he spent a lot of time nursing. At the end of the day, I just wanted my personal space. I didn't want any more touching. And it drains you of energy.

I guess communication -- without pressure -- would be the first thing to do.

And just for your potential amusement and elightenment, visit www.babycenter.com. They have something called new-parent passion predictor, or sex predictor. It's based on a survey of lots of parents and when they got back to doing the marriage bed stuff.

Another thing you could do is arrange for a baby sitter and take her out on a date -- without pressure -- but just to pamper her. The lady is no doubt tired and needs a break and some time just for some pampering. But again, my first suggestion is communication.

 

[karla]

I agree with TCapp. A nine month old takes a lot out of you. I have a 2 1/2 yr. old and a 10 month old. After we had our daughter, my interest in sex drastically declined. I was blessed with a very patient and understanding husband. It wasn't that way after I had my son. Although, there are nights that I am exhausted and just want to sleep, our sex life has drastically improved. It's important to take time to communicate with eachother and sometimes women just want to do the cuddling foreplay stuff without actually having sex. Talk to her and try to do romantic things for her that don't leave her feeling as though you are expecting it to end in sex. It can also just be a hormone thing since she had the baby.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I don't have any kids yet so...

I'd definitely talk about it. Be able to talk without getting upset. Learn what she likes. Gary Chapman has a great book called something like "The 5 love languages." Great stuff. For me, the physical stuff is all about pleasing her. Maybe cuddling for an hour is just what she wants at the time.
In the mean time, love her and be patient with her and commit yourself to working through this. Show her that you care and that her happiness is important to you.
Having kids is going to be a learning experience for me.

 

[TCapp]

Evenings are not a very good time, at least in our case, because we've dedicated all our energy to other things during the day. Our prime get-together times are in the mornings. That way, we're rested, and it's easier.

 

[stargazer]

All very good points. I agree with just showing her you care and love her without expecting sex. There is nothing worse than the feeling that your husband doesn't want you for more than anything but sex. If she feels like that then you won't get any for a while. Love her, cherish her and make her feel all warm and fuzzy (communication is a biggy) and you will see improvment. And a baby does drain you. Lots of luck and love.

 

[JillLars]

My boyfriend and I don't have any children yet, but this has been an issue for us. When I got on birth control, my libido was almost non-existant. I would feel really guiltly for not being interested in sex, because I love my boyfriend and am very attracted to him, but just couldn't get in the mood. That guilt, in turn, made it even harder for me to get in the mood (if that was even possible), its a viscious cycle, she probably is too tired to have sex, then feels bad, and then can't get in the mood no matter what she does. I suggest taking her out on a date, light some candles, give her a back rub, a foot rub, cuddle with her, just do some nice things for her. While, I'm sure you like her in the red bra, after a long day of taking care of a baby, the last thing she wants to hear is what you expect from her when you get home. I hope that things get better for you!

 

[findingme]

Just like to concur, having a 9 month old, esp. if breast feeding, can take an enormous amount out of you. But, in a situation where you call home and make a semi-naughty request. I say semi because it's not really bad but good thinking on your part, and then when you get home, no red bra and also no mention. My question for you is does your wife seem to be enjoying other parts of her life, not just in the bedroom. She may be suffering from post-partum depression. In which case she just may not feel anything, i.e. just lying there when making love. If she does not seem to be acting happy in other parts of her life it may need to be something to have checked out. Just a suggestion!

 

[Vance]

I would agree that a young baby is a huge drain and you can definitely expect a "slow down" in your intimate activity for a while. And, yes, it is obvious that you should unilaterally concentrate your efforts on meeting her emotional needs and helping lighten her load during these times.

BUT, your wife should be fully aware of the importance of the sexual aspect of your relationship (not to mention your own physical needs) and *should* be communicating with you about "where she is" during this time. If you are like most men, you would feel MUCH better about the situation is she sat down and told you something like:

"Listen, I just wanted you to know that I really do value our sexual relationship and understand how it bonds us together. I also value your physical needs and truly want you to be happy and fulfilled. But right now this is a very difficult time for me physically and emotionally with the baby. It is just a lot harder for me to get interested and enjoy it right now. While we may not have sex as often for a while, I want it to be as special as possible when we do, so lets work together to see how we can set aside some type when it will all work best. If you can help out with X and I can get a nap . . ." etc, etc, working out the issues.

As I have said elsewhere, men don't usually need more sex, but simply need a true and full partner in the sexual relationship.

 

[Supanova]

You can probably tell from all these replies, that you're not the only husband with this problem - it's normal.
I have to say that I've got 3 kids with the youngest only a couple of months old and it is energy zapping. The other thing may be that she may not have a very high value of her self at the moment... may feel on demand all the time and unfortunately that sometimes gets taken out on the husband in this department - I know, I've done it!

Like everyone else has said, just love her without demanding the physical side, you can still be intimate without actually going the whole way - and in time you will probably find she will come back to form. Just don't make her feel guilty - it's the worst thing you can do, but just let her know you love her for being her and not for what you can get out of her.

 

[jtroth]

My husband and I don't have any kids yet but I am one who doesn't have the sex drive. My husband drives truck so he is gone M-F and he thinks that then all day saturday and sunday up till he leaves that we should be in the bedroom. I have other things to do and I enjoy sex don't get me wrong but i tliek the cuddling suff more than acuall sex. My husband is desperate that he went to the extent that when he heard about these pills to boost the woman's sex drive that he just gave me the nuber and had me call not tellign me what it was about. I did call and I have eight boxes of Impulse. I haven't taken any yet but our sex life is getting better. It just takes a lot of comunication and emotional support and all in good tiem she will come around.

 

[Kelly]

Hokieguy,
Sounds a lot like my marriage, except I think she wants to more than I do. I just don't have as much interest lately. Our jobs, house maintenance, the kid...by the time all is done it's like 10:00pm and I need to unwind. She's asleep by 11:30.

Since we have kids we have to be quiet, lights off, like sex ninjas. Can't do it in the morning anymore, since our daughter climbs in bed with us at 5:00am. I can either fight with her and take her kicking and screaming back to her room or I can get 2 more hours sleep before work.

My desire for sex has gone down to next to nothing as a result.

 

[DaveKerwin]

you might want to throw some romance in there before you expect sex, she is obviously not interested since she just lays there.

do you emotionally connect with your wife when you get home (before you want sex) ??

I say do a ton of tasks around the house, make dinner, sit and talk with your wife, throw in some romance, and you probably have the making of a nice night.

 

[Xavier's Saviors]

A Lil advice. A 9 Month Old baby can bring alot of restlessness Upon you,Specially if you are the Mother..I have a 13 yr Old and a 10 yr Old Now,I can remember the times when They were Lil and Sex with my Husband was Void..But as we have grew older ,we have Discovered that 'Sex' Is Not a main issue within a relastionship,Communication is Very Important and If you sit and talk with your Wife,Ask her what she feels and How you can help her,That Just might help Lighten her Load and bring you Both closer together and then you can find time for a 'Sexual relastionship' without all the Interuptions.:O)

 

[MsAnne]

You can probably tell from all these replies, that you're not the only husband with this problem - it's normal.

Normal? It doesn't have to be.

Oh - and I noticed the Thread Starter has been banned. He looks an awful lot like another poster around here.