I am 51 and have been dating a 60 year old divorced man for two months. He lives about 30 miles from me so I visit him on the weekend. We sleep in the same bed but don't have sex-he knows I am a virgin and want to remain so until marriage. The thing that is bothering me is he claims to be a christian but he wants me to give him "hand jobs"-massaging his penis "Petey" to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]! He knows I have trouble occasionally masturbating and says it is no worse than my masturbating myself. I have never done this with any of the guys I have dated (have never seen an uncovered penis in person before this guy). I do not lust while doing it and he says he does not either and he claims it helps the prostate as men who don't [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] regularly tend to get prostate cancer. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to go to hell, either! He says no one is perfect and just ask for forgiveness. I don't think God wants us to live in willful sin. What is your opinion?:o
Is this sinful in your opinion??
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Mayzoo
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If he is guilting you into doing things you are not comfortable with now, before you are married, what will be his limits after you are married and he is head of your household?
He knows you are concerned this is a sin and his solution is to encourage you to abuse grace? Are you familiar with the verses about what happens when one chooses to abuse grace?
Sin or not, these are HUGE flags that state clearly he neither respects Christ nor you. He may be completely unaware of how disrespectful this is to both Christ and you (at the age of 60 I am dubious he is clueless), but if you make him aware of this, and he still disregards your feelings on the matter, I would say you need to keep looking.
Hebrews 10:26-27
26 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, 27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.
He knows you are concerned this is a sin and his solution is to encourage you to abuse grace? Are you familiar with the verses about what happens when one chooses to abuse grace?
Sin or not, these are HUGE flags that state clearly he neither respects Christ nor you. He may be completely unaware of how disrespectful this is to both Christ and you (at the age of 60 I am dubious he is clueless), but if you make him aware of this, and he still disregards your feelings on the matter, I would say you need to keep looking.
Hebrews 10:26-27
26 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, 27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.
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He also has a problem with cussing quite a bit. I am going to have to have a serious talk with him and give him an ultimatum if he wants our relationship to continue. Nothing is worth losing your soul over! You have to control the flesh be is regarding food, sex, alcohol, etc. Like my late mother used to say "your flesh can send you to hell"! He wants me to be his roommate next year also but not under these circumstances!
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In my opinion - yes it is sinful.
It is morally no different than having intercourse together.
IMO there is a spiritual problem with someone who holds the attitude that it is ok to willfully sin because "... no one is perfect and just ask for forgiveness." It shows a serious lack of proper repentance.
It is morally no different than having intercourse together.
IMO there is a spiritual problem with someone who holds the attitude that it is ok to willfully sin because "... no one is perfect and just ask for forgiveness." It shows a serious lack of proper repentance.
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Stealth001
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If you're a 51 year old virgin... trust me hon... don't cave in now. Honestly, don't even worry about marriage. You're blessed beyond measure as you are now.
Obviously this guy has been married and knows marital pleasures. And he misses them, desires them. And he desires you to provide them, even if only to a measured degree. Some have stated that it is just as morally wrong as actually doing it. I don't think it is as morally wrong as actually doing it... but it's morally wrong in its own right. It's morally wrong for him to use you as an assistant to provide for his physical gratification... when it is clearly against your conscience. This is violating your conscience and using you. This is manipulative exploitation.
Obviously this guy has been married and knows marital pleasures. And he misses them, desires them. And he desires you to provide them, even if only to a measured degree. Some have stated that it is just as morally wrong as actually doing it. I don't think it is as morally wrong as actually doing it... but it's morally wrong in its own right. It's morally wrong for him to use you as an assistant to provide for his physical gratification... when it is clearly against your conscience. This is violating your conscience and using you. This is manipulative exploitation.
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Messy
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Run!! I was in a situation like that, God just warned me with hell. If a man can't just meet in public places, don't date. You can't sleep in one bed or stay there the weekend. You can't expect to live with someone in the same house without doing anything. It just doesn't work unless he's asexual.
Get out of that whole relationship and watch out with dating and dating sites. Telling someone you don't want to have sex before marriage just doesn't work. Look for a decent man who is so wise to not even tempt you and himself to hang out in his place and be so wise yourself too. It's very naive to think that will work.
I was on a dating site. One christian man was interested. His profile said his perfect date was drinking a glass of wine in his home. He looked absolutely gorgious and went to church every week. Red flag, didn't even talk to him.
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ImaginaryDay
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It sounds as if you and this man have shared some intimate things about one another, as well you should if you are considering a relationship leading to marriage. If not, then I'm not sure that this info should have been shared in the relationship at this point. You might want to reconsider the sleepovers at this point. He sounds to be pretty manipulative at this stage. If he's so insistent about getting relief for "Petey", let him know this is something he can do for himself, and it crosses a boundary for you. Your trouble with "M" is your trouble and he has no right bringing it into the discussion. It's manipulative.
Lust or not, you've stated earlier that you have "trouble occasionally". I would think about his statement in light of that. It sounds as if he's trying to coax you into something you don't want to do, and justifying it with the old famous "but you do it, too!!!". Let him know that won't work. Again, cut off the sleepovers if you have to. At this stage, I would anyway until marriage.
There must be a lot of single, celibate men and Catholic priests with prostate cancer then...
No, God does not want you (or any of us) to live in willful sin. You sound to have more of a conscience and a better sense of what's right than your S.O. Just ask if this is God's best for you right now.
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kristina411
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I think he is being a jerk and a liar. If it was not lustful on his part he would be able to take care of himself. He asks you because he it is lustful. This shouldn't be a question of sinning so much as it is disrespect. This man is being dishonest and asking you to compromise your religious values.
I do not believe it is sinless but I don't believe you would "burn" for it. However the mindset of "do it then ask for forgiveness" wont get you anywhere in faith. If he will leave you because of this, he's not worth keeping around and clearly does not respect your relationship with God.
I do not believe it is sinless but I don't believe you would "burn" for it. However the mindset of "do it then ask for forgiveness" wont get you anywhere in faith. If he will leave you because of this, he's not worth keeping around and clearly does not respect your relationship with God.
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I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he is lying and I feel like he's using you.
I would seek God for the right guy because I don't think this man is the one for you.
I would seek God for the right guy because I don't think this man is the one for you.
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dayhiker
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What bothers me is that if you think its sin then it is sin, what ever is not of faith is sin.
I don't think a HJ is sin and I don't see it as lust either as defined in the Bible, Mt.5:28.
I'd not tell you to dump this guy unless there are more serious problems than what you listed and I'm assuming your with him because he has a lot
of other good qualities.
I don't think a HJ is sin and I don't see it as lust either as defined in the Bible, Mt.5:28.
I'd not tell you to dump this guy unless there are more serious problems than what you listed and I'm assuming your with him because he has a lot
of other good qualities.
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In my opinion, the first, very very first question is:
WHY are you even considering a man who doesn't share your spiritual values?
Whether or not those specific sexual things you mentioned are sins (specifically mentioned in the Bible), is not as relevant as the fact that you are already unequally yoked with this man, by being in a relationship with him and THAT is a sin specifically mentioned in the Bible.
Several people on here have suggested that you run and I agree. Find a man who loves the Lord, first and foremost, and the rest (sexual morality, his respect for you, etc.)
I think that you already know the answer to your own question, that these actions are wrong. The decision is simple.
WHY are you even considering a man who doesn't share your spiritual values?
Whether or not those specific sexual things you mentioned are sins (specifically mentioned in the Bible), is not as relevant as the fact that you are already unequally yoked with this man, by being in a relationship with him and THAT is a sin specifically mentioned in the Bible.
Several people on here have suggested that you run and I agree. Find a man who loves the Lord, first and foremost, and the rest (sexual morality, his respect for you, etc.)
I think that you already know the answer to your own question, that these actions are wrong. The decision is simple.
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I won't say whether the things you've mentioned or not are sinful, but I will say it seems as though the dynamics of your relationship are way off.
As a fellow person who waited until marriage, I commend you for lasting as long as you have! You are clearly dedicated to serving the Lord and living a godly life. Good for you! However, it seems as though you are compromising on some of your morals (and your feelings as well), just to be in a relationship. It may be nice having someone to call your own now, but in the long run, do you really want to spend your life with someone who belittles your faith, pushes you to cross your moral and Biblical boundaries, and who also doesn't share in your faith?
I married a man who didn't save himself, but he prayerfully asked God to forgive him. He also never pushed me to cross any boundaries that I had laid out for myself and for any relationships I chose to have. He encouraged my faith and even grew in his as a result of dating me. Now, we are married, enjoy the marriage bed as God intended, and share in our faith together as a Christian couple. I am happy to know I'll see my husband in Heaven when that time comes, but until then, I'm happy to live a godly life with him here on earth, too.
Don't you want the same?
I see you have made strides in your relationship since your OP, but are they enough? Many others have suggested "running" away from him and this relationship, perhaps this is sound advice?
Prayers for you!
As a fellow person who waited until marriage, I commend you for lasting as long as you have! You are clearly dedicated to serving the Lord and living a godly life. Good for you! However, it seems as though you are compromising on some of your morals (and your feelings as well), just to be in a relationship. It may be nice having someone to call your own now, but in the long run, do you really want to spend your life with someone who belittles your faith, pushes you to cross your moral and Biblical boundaries, and who also doesn't share in your faith?
I married a man who didn't save himself, but he prayerfully asked God to forgive him. He also never pushed me to cross any boundaries that I had laid out for myself and for any relationships I chose to have. He encouraged my faith and even grew in his as a result of dating me. Now, we are married, enjoy the marriage bed as God intended, and share in our faith together as a Christian couple. I am happy to know I'll see my husband in Heaven when that time comes, but until then, I'm happy to live a godly life with him here on earth, too.
Don't you want the same?
I see you have made strides in your relationship since your OP, but are they enough? Many others have suggested "running" away from him and this relationship, perhaps this is sound advice?
Prayers for you!
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AWomanNamedDamaris
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This man is not respecting your boundaries. I am proud of you for remaining a virgin. You are beautiful! Any man who would try to coerce you into doing something you are not comfortable doing is not worthy of your time. Do not give up hope.
I was listening to a sermon today about trusting in the Lord to find the right marriage partner for you, no matter how long it takes. I met a couple that were both in their 50's getting married for the first time. They were every bit as happy and in love as a couple in their 20's.
I was listening to a sermon today about trusting in the Lord to find the right marriage partner for you, no matter how long it takes. I met a couple that were both in their 50's getting married for the first time. They were every bit as happy and in love as a couple in their 20's.
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