Is this normal?

[Helpme22]

I've had a lot of marital issues but this recent situation is one I just feel I need objective insight on.

A couple of months ago I was working on a peoject at work with a man who seemed to make some subtle advances. The project was intense but he would call or text at all hours. My husband seemed to think that this man could potentially lead me to a better job...and had no problem whatsoever with this. DH has a history of encouraging me to seek out successful men and trying to network.
(it came up in therapy last year).

After the project was over the man asked to take me to a "thank you" lunch. I canceled several times because I was concerned about the motivation. When I told my husband that I canceled... He said I made a mistake and I should go to lunch with the man... Even on my day off if I had trouble fitting it in.

Well I did and the lunch was indeed a bit too personal for my comfort level. When I got home I told my husband and he asked if I solicited a job from the man. I told him I did not. He seemed to care less about the rest of my concerns.

I talked to him the next day and told him it bothered me that he didn't seem jealous. He was stunned and told me he was just trying to be supportive. He said that I was overreacting and he thought the man just sounded like a "friend".

Since then the man has called and asked to grab coffee or lunch a few times. I went to coffee once ... But made it all business. But everytime I tell my husband and he never even looks twice at me.

It just feels as if he doesn't care. Am I drawing unfair conclusions?

 

[MessianicMommy]

From my perspective, the whole thing is wholly inappropriate.

 

[dysert]

Speaking as a man, I believe I'm safe in saying that most men aren't tuned in as much with relationship subtleties as are most women. (My wife has told me a few times over the years that there have been women sending signals to me; but I never noticed any.) I would trust your instincts that this guy is interested in you, and if you're interested in having a strong marriage, I'd put the guy off regardless of what your husband thinks.

At best, your husband appears clueless. At worst, he may be willing to risk your getting more involved with the other guy if he can get you a better job. (Hmm, I think there's a word for that.) Don't worry about why your husband doesn't appear jealous -- just do the right thing and cut it off before it progresses any further.

 

[Blackwater Babe]

You have a non jealous, supportive husband. Thats generally considered to be a good thing.

Do you WANT him to think there's something going on and not to trust you?

 

[dysert]

You have a non jealous, supportive husband. Thats generally considered to be a good thing.

Do you WANT him to think there's something going on and not to trust you?

I'm supportive of my wife, but I wouldn't want her getting all chummy with another guy.

And I don't think it's a matter (currently) of trust. The more a relationship builds, the more the potential for trouble. In my 1st-hand experience, it's better to not even open the door.

 

[DZoolander]

Dysert summed it up pretty well.

 

[dayhiker]

I think the work guy does have a sex interest in you.

If your husband is clueless then dysert has the situation nailed down pretty well.

An other possibility is there are few men that get an ego bust and even a sexual turn on from their wife being desired by other men. Its a complicated dynamic in a relationship. Those in this kind of relationship need a whole lot of maturity and honest communication. If this is the situation, you two haven't understood the situation and talked about it at all yet. Yet alone got to honest communication.

So I think you and your husband have got to do a lot of talking. Its got to be honest and open, hiding nothing. Then you will really know who your spouse really is inside.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Find some way to introduce him to your husband.

 

[dayhiker]

Now that is a good suggestion.

 

[LinkH]

Introducing, as has been suggested, is probably a good idea.

I think this should bother your husband. But this might just be an area where he does not quite 'get it' and he might think trusting you is enough. He needs some other men he can bounce issues like this off of to give him some advice and feedback.

You have to keep yourself holy for the Lord. So you shouldn't be 'going out' with this guy. If you do go, bring your husband along-- uninvited if necessary. You can offer to treat this time, then bring your husband with you. What can he say? You are paying. It may shut the whole thing down. If you see the man, ask him point blank if he has a job for you. If he says no, tell your husband he just wants to take you out all the time but doesn't even have a job for you.

 

[cactusrose]

I don't wish to sound trite but in light of some of your other post it seems as if your husband is "just not that into you".

 

[DZoolander]

After reading up on some of her posts - I'm wondering if her husband is into something more of the male persuasion.

 

[cactusrose]

After reading up on some of her posts - I'm wondering if her husband is into something more of the male persuasion.

But along the same lines anyway..I wouldn't jump to that conclusion the OP might have a better idea just "not that into you " is my take.

 

[Helpme22]

The thing is a good friend of mine came to visit and got the vibe that my husband was very into me... She thought he acted "at times" very attentive. But he just seems to be clueless in certain areas. It's heart breaking for me because I'm just sick over it all. Once I start realizing how bad these things are from an objective standpoint... I realize that my marriage is quite sad.

When the person who decides to divorce... Prepares to file... Is it common to be so emotionally destroyed. I'm literally sick over it all.

 

[DZoolander]

From personal experience, yeah, the decision and filing is really difficult to go through.

 

[LinkH]

Helpme

I'm thinking of joining a group at church where the pastor and a group of men and fathers can talk about stuff related to be husbands and fathers. We can pray for each other and things like that.

Maybe you could search around and see if you could persuade your husband to get involved in something along those lines. If he talked about some of these things with other guys, like this issue of another man being interested in you, they might be able to coach him a little.