Is this natural?

[SimplyNothing]

This is not about me first of all. It is about a friend of mine (Swear on my life.)

He's my age, and I only met him a while back at work. He was new, and so... I did the nice thing and talked with him, chatted with him about stuff, introduced him to others... showed him the ropes, etc etc. Well... this was around six months ago, and now me and him are very close buddies.

So what's my problem.

I think he's a homosexual
I think he's a homosexual that's attracted to me.

Now here's the whole story.

I have a tendency to use the word, "gay" a lot. Not to make fun of gay people (I'm friends with a lot of them actually (so long as they don't hit on me I'm cool,)) but to say that something is well, not good. Well, I was working, right beside Ryan, and we were in the middle of working on a huge apartment complex, (and he's really small for his age) and I dropped one of the cross beams.

"That was gay," says I. And Ryan looks at me, and drops his hammer, and before I even have a chance to defence myself he jumps all over me. "I'M NOT GAY! I HATE HOMOS! I'M A HOMOPHOBE!" Well... this shocked me a little bit. I replied telling him I wasn't talking about him and he smiles, and becomes his nice, talkative, overly happy self.

I think he's compensating. I think he's in denial, and I think this is what he does to reassure himself that he's not gay. I talked with a psychologist who agrees with me on this.

What do you guys think I should do? He was acting all... flirty with me today when we were at his house, and it was kind of weird when he grabbed my leg.

Thoughts?

 

[Danielof the Island]

My advice is to confront him point blank in private. Ask him, "Ryan, are you gay?" Then take it from there...

 

[SimplyNothing]

Did that... and when you ask him... he immediately spouts off that he's not gay, really angrily. even if you weren't directing the question at him.

This is why I think he's trying to assure himself that he's not.

 

[Danielof the Island]

Here's whut you do then... Sit him down, and tell him that you think he may be struggling with homosexuallity, but before he can flip out, and tackle you, loudly tell him it iss something he DOES NOT have to struggle with, and tell him you want to help him END the struggle.

If he flips out, don't bring it up again. If not, try to help him. Personally, I don't think he's risking going gay, but rather simply has some "gay thoughts" that Satan is throwing his way.

God bless you in your efforts to help your friend.

 

[ElijahSK]

Maybe he feels the tendencies, but his conscience still tells him it is wrong. Romans tells us that forsake what is natural for that which is against nature. The knowledge he has from his conscience will lead him to justify himself before men. Homosexuality is just like any other sin. To be delivered all they must do is come to Christ, repent (turn away from/forsake) all of their sins and trust in Him.

 

[Jason19]

It sounds like he is afraid that if he admits it, that he is struggling with homosexuality, that he might loose you. After all you said you guys became great buddies..and to a man struggling with these issues, Friends are very important, not just friends, but GOOD friends, and those are rare.
It also sounds like, and this just might be me, but it also sounds like he is secretly hoping you will go down the same path with him, by is little advances you mentioned, maybe he wants you to slowly be attracted to him?
Whatever happens buddy, you need to always reassure him you will be his friend, reguardless of his struggles. If and when he feels comfortable admitting he is having struggles with his sexuality, make sure he knows you will be there as the same buddy you have been, but nothing more.
Thats my take on it, I will be praying for you both, God bless.

 

[Cristiano]

This is not about me first of all. It is about a friend of mine (Swear on my life.)

He's my age, and I only met him a while back at work. He was new, and so... I did the nice thing and talked with him, chatted with him about stuff, introduced him to others... showed him the ropes, etc etc. Well... this was around six months ago, and now me and him are very close buddies.

So what's my problem.

I think he's a homosexual
I think he's a homosexual that's attracted to me.

Now here's the whole story.

I have a tendency to use the word, "gay" a lot. Not to make fun of gay people (I'm friends with a lot of them actually (so long as they don't hit on me I'm cool,)) but to say that something is well, not good. Well, I was working, right beside Ryan, and we were in the middle of working on a huge apartment complex, (and he's really small for his age) and I dropped one of the cross beams.

"That was gay," says I. And Ryan looks at me, and drops his hammer, and before I even have a chance to defence myself he jumps all over me. "I'M NOT GAY! I HATE HOMOS! I'M A HOMOPHOBE!" Well... this shocked me a little bit. I replied telling him I wasn't talking about him and he smiles, and becomes his nice, talkative, overly happy self.

I think he's compensating. I think he's in denial, and I think this is what he does to reassure himself that he's not gay. I talked with a psychologist who agrees with me on this.

What do you guys think I should do? He was acting all... flirty with me today when we were at his house, and it was kind of weird when he grabbed my leg.

Thoughts?

First, of course he's compensating. Imagine if you had to hide the fact that you loved women. How would you deal with that? How would you cover up something that seemed so natural?

My advice: Do not ask him if he is gay. That's the last thing you should do. As a Christian guy who struggles with same sex attraction, I would almost always deny that question and distance myself emotionally from the person who asked as to not make them consider my sexuality any more. I guess I'm saying that you will most likely cause him to close off his receptiveness to you if you ask him that. Also, if you do as the other person suggested and say "Hey, I believe you may be gay and I can offer you something to cure that struggle once and for all (ie GOD)," I think you'd be making a big mistake as well, as I have not been "cured" although I've asked many times. I think it simply starts with him knowing that he can completely trust you with anything. As a Christian, you know that everyone has something that they struggle with. Focus on these things:
-appreciation for the friendship
-hope that the friendship doesn't change
-a cocern that you are sometimes uncomfortable and why (but do not say that you think he is gay), immediately followed by your affirmation that whatever he struggles with, it will not affect your friendship in your eyes, but that you just want honesty in the friendship
-your observation that you feel he is expressing feelings for you that you don't return and just want to know if they are true so you can deal with them

Always remember to bring it back to God and let him know that you will be there fore him in complete trust and confidence whatever is talked about between you. I am anxious to hear what happens, so keep me posted. Just keep it in prayer, and God will give you the words when the appoints a time. Just trust in him. If you have any questions, PM me bro!
Peace

 

[Force_of_Will]

I dont see the issue.

Why is it a problem if someone is attracted to you? are insecure about your own sexuality?

If he is making obvious sexual advances towards you that are making you uncomfortable, then Id talk with him about it, but at the moment that isnt the case.

Its really not much of your business what his sexual preference is, if he doesnt want to talk about it. Ive had homosexual coworkers before and have been hit on plenty of times, just tell them nothing is going to happen and they should stop.

.

 

[NateBlack]

Maybe consider that your use of "that's so gay" is an unloving way to communicate...

If he is overtly flirting with you, just tell him you're not interested... and have it be a NON-ISSUE.

He doesn't need condemnation from a friend.

Also... his extreme outbursts are a danger sign, in my opinion. He's clearly feeling condenmed... maybe he's getting it from his church or his family. Maybe he's getting it from friends.

He could be so terrified of his sexuality that he might harm himself to end it. Many gay young people feel that their only option for a "cure" is to kill themselves.

I know some devastating stories of suicide and self abuse.

What can you do to help this guy realize God's heart for him is and will always be the same?

What can you do to help him see himself the way God sees him?