Is this infidelity?

[Katydid]

Regardless of why she looked at the history, she found something, didn't she and can you explain his reaction?

Only HE can explain HIS reaction. Imagine this, You make a mistake, an innocent one, say you accidentally take out $1000 instead of $100 just simply because of the extra 0. You spend all day worrying about your husband's reaction. Stewing over how to tell him that you may have caused 5 checks to bounce on accident. You spend HOURS thinking about how mad and upset he will be. Then your husband comes home, and says "So what did you buy that was worth bankrupting us in the process, what is wrong with you anyway! How could you do this to us!!!". Would you truly react pleasantly? NO, you have been worried all day and he didn't even give you the opportunity to explain that it was an innocent mistake before he started to scream at you. So why is this reaction OK for a woman, but not for a man?

I am not justifying, as I realize that if he truly DID choose to look at the site lustfully, then he did sin. But, from my limited experience, he would have gotten more curious and there would have been more links in the history than just one. All many of us are saying is that WE DON'T know the full story. We DON'T know what actually happened, and to judge this man with only one SUSPECTED slip, is wrong of us. And considering his wife is asking how to deal with it, it is also irresponsible on the part of more experienced women to make this woman MORE paranoid about something that even SHE admits she doesn't know all the details to. I think we all need to step back and realize that this isn't just a website, this is someone's marriage we are playing with. Yes, she has every right to be upset. Yes, she has every right to know the truth. But, we can truly see that this is the 1st time she has seen any of this and everyone is running to hang the poor man. Sorry, but this has been bugging me every time that I come back to look at this. Everyone jumping on the "if he looked he committed adultery". I know that I don't know what this man was thinking OR the circumstances that led to him being at that site. We need to show compassion and teach the same mercy that Christ showed the adulterous woman.

 

[Vilnius]

Only HE can explain HIS reaction. Imagine this, You make a mistake, an innocent one, say you accidentally take out $1000 instead of $100 just simply because of the extra 0. You spend all day worrying about your husband's reaction. Stewing over how to tell him that you may have caused 5 checks to bounce on accident. You spend HOURS thinking about how mad and upset he will be. Then your husband comes home, and says "So what did you buy that was worth bankrupting us in the process, what is wrong with you anyway! How could you do this to us!!!". Would you truly react pleasantly? NO, you have been worried all day and he didn't even give you the opportunity to explain that it was an innocent mistake before he started to scream at you. So why is this reaction OK for a woman, but not for a man?

I am not justifying, as I realize that if he truly DID choose to look at the site lustfully, then he did sin. But, from my limited experience, he would have gotten more curious and there would have been more links in the history than just one. All many of us are saying is that WE DON'T know the full story. We DON'T know what actually happened, and to judge this man with only one SUSPECTED slip, is wrong of us. And considering his wife is asking how to deal with it, it is also irresponsible on the part of more experienced women to make this woman MORE paranoid about something that even SHE admits she doesn't know all the details to. I think we all need to step back and realize that this isn't just a website, this is someone's marriage we are playing with. Yes, she has every right to be upset. Yes, she has every right to know the truth. But, we can truly see that this is the 1st time she has seen any of this and everyone is running to hang the poor man. Sorry, but this has been bugging me every time that I come back to look at this. Everyone jumping on the "if he looked he committed adultery". I know that I don't know what this man was thinking OR the circumstances that led to him being at that site. We need to show compassion and teach the same mercy that Christ showed the adulterous woman.

I have to agree with you. I stand by my earlier comments, but I should have tempered them with cautionary words such as yours. That said, this problem is so pervasive, even in the Christian community, that the odds of innocence are not good. Mercy and forgivness will be called for.

 

[Katydid]

Just one example, if you type in "white house". com. Then you will end up at something not quite as innocent as the white house. My husband just told me this one, the only reason he knows this is that he uses military computers and they tell them that this is HOW careful you have to be about searching the internet. If you end up at a not so nice sight, you can be disicplined according to military regulations.

 

[~DESTINY~]

He later confessed to going to the site...

Ok...so he did confess to going to the site...so it's clear that it's wasn't an accident or just a pop up.

Like someone said earlier we don't know the whole story and we don't know what you guys talked about that night.

But since he did confess, then it does suggest that he is "curious". And the good thing is that he was caught his first time (if it was) so there might not be a second, third, etc...

"Secret" behavior is likely to continue when a person feels that no one will ever find out. You yelling at him probably didn't help since he was already feeling guilty. He says that he went to the site and clicked it off before it fully downloaded. So apparently the holy spirit convicted him that going to the site was wrong and might cause him to lust.

But I agree that confronting him was definitely a good thing. He was able to see how something like that can impact a relationship, regardless of how innocent it seems. A marriage cannot survive without complete honesty and respect.

I don't think that it is right for any one to attack you or your husband. Just remember that both of your actions/words must be pleasing to the Lord. Marriages begin to experience problems when either one of them looses respect for GOD or minimizes what the bible says.

I know that you are hurting, but ask God to help you forgive him. And pray that God will continue to convict him.

 

[Gwenyfur]

I have some questions: Why did you feel the urge to look in the history? Why don't you believe his story that he never looked all the way? Sounds like you didn't trust him to begin with. Has he previously given you reason to feel insecure? Surely, there is more to this story.

I check the history on my puter all the time, I also check key stroke ghost as well. Not because I dont' trust my hubby, but more to the fact, I'm checking on my children's internet activities. This allows me to see every keystroke, that's entered so I know what her IM conversations are about. The history lets me see what sites have been visited...if it's a url I don't know, I check it out. Yes, I've come across porn, but the keystrokes have also shown it wasn't intentional. My 16 yr old typed in .com instead of .org and got a nasty site. I've since installed blocks for that type of thing.

Porn is a fact of our modern world, just as abortion, alcohol and drugs, and it is just as destructive to our families. I saw one post that recommended "Every Man's Battle" I would also suggest "Wild at Heart" or "Dynamic Living for Men"

My DH was always telling me how much he learned from both, as well as demonstrates his newfound knowledge....sometimes in teh most surprising ways.

I'll be praying for ya
Huggles,

 

[~RENEE~]

I had a problem similar to this a few months ago and I sought counseling from a very trustworthy female friend she and her husband both told me to go into my computers internet options folders and set the parental control which I did. I also confronted him not accusingly. I talked to an authority figure not our pastor in the church and he spoke to him as well. Things are better now.