Is this infidelity?

[Matthew614]

I was on the internet last night when I felt a very strong urge to look into the history. Why I did it, I don't know. What I do know is that there was a link to a site with a woman very scantilly clad that was referred to a the Babe of The Week...I asked my husband about it, and he became very angry with me. He later confessed to going to the site, but says he never saw the whole picture...just from the neck up, and then clicked away from the link. I don't think I believe him.

I'm so upset, I could throw up! I don't want to go home, and I don't want him even looking at me anymore. I am so angry! My heart hurts so bad.

Is this a form of infidelity, or am I overreacting?

 

[Katydid]

I wouldn't say you are overreacting, but I also wouldn't say it is necessarily infidelity. Is there a reason you don't believe his version? I would say to let him know truly that this is unacceptable (some men don't truly realize how much it hurts their wife), and that it does truly hurt you. Then if you see that he is doing it again, you may want to discuss counseling. That is the best I can give you. What I can give you is some hope. I have very good friends, the husband was addicted to porn (by the way, one curious view does not make this an addiction) he would log on to porn sites at work, which got him into alot of trouble. He would lock the door and surf the net for it at home. This was a horrible situation for the wife. They got counseling and he did individual counseling and he now has no problem with it. They do have a block on their computer so that it can't go to those sites, but their marriage is strong. It takes commitment from both sides but it can be worked through. Don't make any rash decisions while you are still upset, wait and calm down a bit. Discuss it with him, if it becomes a bigger problem go to counseling. Whatever you do, remember that divorce is a LAST option.

 

[Avaya]

I think you did the right thing in asking him about it. When people have the tendency to look at things like that, they get more and more brave as they continue to 'get away with it'. I agree with the above poster - you didn't overreact, nor is it infidelity. Men are visually stimulated and perhaps the urge was more than your husband could control. I pray that you two can talk it out and come to some agreement - like if he can't 'not look at those sites' when he's online, then he will agree not to go online. Just stay in prayer and don't push your husband away because of this.

 

[Vilnius]

I agree with the two previous posters, except I would have to call it infidelity because of what Jesus said in Mathew 5:28:"...and I tell you that when a man looks lustfuly upon a woman he has already commited adultry in his heart." Given that, I think it would be hard to accuse you of over reacting. In fact your reaction is to be expected and quite the norm. His reaction is also normal. No one likes getting caught in an act of lust by their spouse, and they will deny it untl they are blue in the face. The good news is there are books like "Every Man's Battle" out there to help you and your husband get his lust under control. They have a site with numerous other resources at New Life com. I presume your search has not turned up anything else, so perhaps he is not a candidate for counseling. Keep praying and talking to him. I was at least as bad as your husband and it took my wife's protests along with the book I mentioned for God to convict me and for my ways to change. Lots of men have changed, your husband can too.

If you want any further guidance, feel free to pm me.

Praise God!

 

[bringingup4forHim]

good advice given, but i too think it is infidelity due to the pp scripture quote. pray, pray, pray. this is a huge reason why i am going through a divorce. pornography is killing our christian marriages.

 

[Conqueror12]

Have you told him heart to heart how you are feeling? Maybe if he's just started doing this, your reaction and devastation will be enough to snap him out of it. IOW if he's still emotionally attached to you (and hasn't disengaged emotionally yet), then your feelings of hurt and betrayal may elicit some empathy, which in turn helps with insight and judgment.

If he still seems capable of empathy, try to get him to see the situation in reverse and perhaps even go furrther (since he may have and you just don't know it yet) and ask him to imagine how he would feel if you were interacting with other men online.

Depending upon his emotional engagement, he will either take it all to heart and turn from the behavior, or if his heart is already hardened, he will get more and more secretive so as to avoid another unpleasant encounter with you about it.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Just my opinion- but your husband's reaction seems to be one of a guilty conscious (by the fact that he became so angry with you over just bringing it up). Did you over-react? Not in my opinion. But, now it is out in the open....and an opportunity for the two of you to discuss the issue and to pray about it.

I agree with the other posters above regarding their suggestions and advice to you. Beyond that, I say pray about it...and continue praying.

 

[GirlieGirl]

On the flip side, some web sites can direct you to porno without you knowing. He may be telling you the truth. Are there other sites in the history of the computer? Or has he cleared out the history recently. Those would be warnings that would clue you in.

 

[gracefaith]

I have some questions: Why did you feel the urge to look in the history? Why don't you believe his story that he never looked all the way? Sounds like you didn't trust him to begin with. Has he previously given you reason to feel insecure? Surely, there is more to this story.

 

[jan003]

I think that it's good that she decided to check...otherwise she wouldn't have known there was a problem. I don't blame her for not believing him especially if he got very angry and tried to deny going to the site. It's really hard to trust someone if it's hard for that person to be honest with you.

And if he is struggling with an addiction, he needs your help and prayers in overcoming it.

 

[Southern Cross]

Ummm... hate to say it, but this all means nothing if there is no history of looking at porn or doing something on the sneaky side. There are two sides to every story. Is it at all possible that your husband became angry because you had an accusational tone? Or maybe he had enough to deal with for that day, that week or the month as a whole? Or maybe you were pretty cool about it and he was just in a bad mood?

Even if he does have a history of looking at porn... it's always possible he's telling you the truth and is just trying to avoid going down a confrontational road.

I see scantily clad women all the time. In stores on the magazine racks, on the beaches near my home, fishing with their husbands near my favorite surf fishing spots. It's just a fact of life. Guys just need to turn their head away. Unfortunately, there are literally millions - yes, millions (think of all those zeroes) of porn and sex sites out there. All you need to do is get one spam email that you don't recognize as spam, open it, and there is a misleading link to a porn site. I recently got an email about photography from a prospective "client". I linked to her site, and it was porn. It happens. The site owner probably got my email address, and tens of thousands of others, from a professional photographer's net site that I frequent.

I'd say let it go unless you know it's repeated, consistent behavior. Install a net nanny program (wiht his blessing) to keep you both honest if you want to have a safeguard in case the temptation gets to be too much.

 

[Yitzchak]

You are probably not overreacting. However, in order to solve the problem, you will likely have to somehow deal with your emotions about it because your reaction is not likely to influence your husband in a good way.

I suggest that you make an appointment with the pastor of your church and ask for advice. This type of problem needs a more one on one type of counsel than can be given by someone on this message board. Your pastor will be able to follow up and have a context to put it all in.

 

[hygienemom]

Personally I would have reacted the same way. I know how you are feeling...betrayed, compared, and inadequate. Please try to remember that he is responsible for his own actions and it doesn't reflect your worth as a beautiful, loving wife.
I believe this happened this way (you checking history) for a reason...God is working in your lives and possibly stopping this before it can ruin your marriage, self esteem, etc.
His reaction does indicate to me that he feels remorse for getting caught. That can be to your advantage...maybe he will be more willing to seek help before it gets out of control. Its ok for you to feel everything you are feeling. He is accountable for his actions and must gain control of his eyes/mind as every man struggles with this daily.
Please be strong and pray for him...I know you feel violated but as wives we are to lift our husbands to the level of Christ. Try to remember that we all sin and God is the only judge.
If you have followed any of my posts, I have felt everything you are feeling and deal with these emotions daily. I am learning that the enemy will attack that which is most precious and now his has found a crack to try to destroy you. Please don't give up...with God all things are possible.
PM me if you need to vent!
Lisa

 

[mt_joy]

I agree with Vilnius. Just because society doesn't consider lustful looking infidelity does not mean that God sees it that way as well. Tell him how hurt you are. This isn't some innocent fun... "Babe of the Week?" So, is he going to go back every week? And no site will actually give you a pornographic site pop-up. Even sites that have a section of adult content do not have those kind of pop-ups. He's lying.

Joy
MT Student
{edited out by staff}

 

[Katydid]

no site will actually give you a pornographic site pop-up.

Sorry to say, but I disagree. I have been on the internet searching for homeschool books and had porn pop ups appear. Of course we live in Germany and I know they are more open about that stuff (not that I agree, but our server is German), but I wouldn't make a sweeping generalization as most of that is determined by what your server or computer settings allow.

 

[WolfGate]

If all you found in the history was that site, and if the history hadn't been recently erased, then I doubt he has an addiction. Temptation? Yes, he's a man.

You did the right thing letting him know it bothered you. He should not continue with that behavior knowing how it makes you feel.

I have no idea what website he went to, but I do know a "Babe of the Week" has been a feature on dozens of websites that are of interest to men - I've seen links to them on sites related to sports, cars, motorcycles, tools, etc. So he may have gotten there innocently. Or he may not. You probably have a better idea since you know the history.

Regarding the strength of your reaction, I am a bit interested in your saying you want to throw up, not go home, or have him look at you anymore. In what I'm about to say, I am assuming that the picture wasn't pornography per se, but rather a clothed picture designed to titillate and also assuming based on your post that this was the only site that bothered you in the history. I'd suggest you read "Every Man's Battle" as well (which a previous poster suggested for him). If you're going to be a help-mate to him and provide feedback in a manner that will encourage him to behave the way you need, then you need to understand how men differ from women in this regard. Because there isn't a man around who wouldn't be tempted to look at that picture - some have just learned how to not do so.

P.S. mt_joy - I have to agree with katydid. You can innocently get pornographic pop-ups. Sometimes it's because an advertisement redirection program got downloaded without your knowledge. Sometimes it's because a non-porn site you go to has for some reason sold advertising to a porn site. BUt it certainly does happen.

 

[Southern Cross]

This is directed to the OP. Does he have a history of looking at porn at any time in his past? Does he hide things from you? You know, I strongly believe in accountability. As a man, I'd expect to be held accountable if I was looking at stuff I shouldn't be. But I have to say a lot of people above - as much as I respect them - have mede some assumptions which may be totally misleading and influencing you to treat your husband like he's totally out of line. Speaking from a guy's point of view, if something like this happened to me and I was truly innocent, at some point I'd end up biting back and getting angry. So if this is the first time you've seen or heard of this, I suggest you really think about letting it go.

I'll give you an example based on my experience. I had a pop up on my screen, something totally innocent. When I hit the "X" to close it, I was immediately taken to a harcore porn site with several pop ups that came in rapid succession. Everytime I tried to close them, I got a new site or pop-up. Then I got smart and right clicked on each screeen to close it out. In my net history, you could clearly see pages I had "visited". So if my wife had viewed my history, she would've seen them and automatically assumed the worst. And then I would have become angry because I don't like the way she jumps to conclusions.

Some of the professional photography sites I visit have misleading titles to image links, and they bring you to an "artistic nude", and some of those don't meet any artisitc criteria I've ever seen and I back out of the image immediately.

Anyway, I hope everything works out. I don't know if he has a problem or not. All I'm asking you to do is to take a realistic view of things and don't over do it.

 

[TheDag]

The only person who can truly answer the question on if its infidelity is your husband. This is because only your husband would know if he looked at this image lustfully. To look at a naked or scantily clad picture or person doesn't mean you are looking lustfully. I do believe (so does my wife) its possible to look without lust. I work in a paper shop and therefore there are pornagraphic magazines in the store. If it was up to me then we wouldn't have them but its not my choice. I have gotten in trouble a couple of times when customers complained to my boss that I gave a disapproving look when they purchased these magazines. If I was looking lustfully then I certainly wouldn't have a disapproving look I'd have a joyful one instead.
As for the strong urge to look at the history you need to question yourself as to why. It could've been God prompting you or it could be because of your own issues that you need to deal with.

 

[hygienemom]

The only person who can truly answer the question on if its infidelity is your husband. This is because only your husband would know if he looked at this image lustfully. To look at a naked or scantily clad picture or person doesn't mean you are looking lustfully. I do believe (so does my wife) its possible to look without lust. I work in a paper shop and therefore there are pornagraphic magazines in the store. If it was up to me then we wouldn't have them but its not my choice. I have gotten in trouble a couple of times when customers complained to my boss that I gave a disapproving look when they purchased these magazines. If I was looking lustfully then I certainly wouldn't have a disapproving look I'd have a joyful one instead.
As for the strong urge to look at the history you need to question yourself as to why. It could've been God prompting you or it could be because of your own issues that you need to deal with.

Regardless of why she looked at the history, she found something, didn't she and can you explain his reaction?

 

[gracefaith]

Regardless of why she looked at the history, she found something, didn't she and can you explain his reaction?

Maybe I'm naive, but I relayed this whole scenario to my husband to my husband with a little incredulity because I trust him implicitly and cannot imagine doubting his explanation in the same circumstance. I asked if he would get mad if I were to question his faithfulness when he had previously and in no other circumstance given me reason to worry. He said he probably would get upset and I guess I don't blame him. My husband unfaithful? Looking at porn? Comparing me to other women? He thinks I ought to know him better than that and think better of him too.