Is this feeling normal?

[eatenbylocusts]

i do not recall i used the word all, if i gave that impression, i apologize.

as for one may not able to come to the place fo loving their step children as their own, true.

the point here is do you want to , are you trying and are you treating them the same as your own child in the mean time

as for scriptural passage. well, do you really need me to direct you to the actual scripture that states you should strive to love your step child as you own?

seriously?

I've actually read the whole Bible and never recall seeing any such verses. And even though it may sound strange to some, I can only recall verses about teaching children God's rules/expectations, the importance of not spoiling children, but disciplining them, etc. I think it's assumed that parents will love their children and as an example there is the verse that discusses how parents know how to give good gifts to their children, not snakes, etc. And adopted children in that culture had all the rights of a bio child with the added benefit of never being disowned.

And even though I don't believe there is any scripture that addresses step-parents I don't think it's necessary to go searching. Any Christian should treat anyone fairly and that goes for step-children as well. As you have already admitted, we cannot make ourselves love someone by will and that is not what is required of us. We are to perform the duties we are required to do by God and nurture whatever children are in our households. And by everything I have seen this OP write, she is doing that within the guidelines that she has been allowed by her husband the father of the child.

I, my daughter and my husband have been accused of wrongdoing by my step-son and his mother. I know these acts were instigated by the mother, but my step-son chose to deliberately lie in some of these situations and I bet there was a payoff from his mother for it. He recanted the one against me, but it was a traumatic event. And still when he comes to our house he is treated with respect. I care for this child, but as for now none of us can trust him completely. We continue to pray for his mother and him and I tell you that this boy gets more attention than my daughter who is the same age and never complains. If it was up to me there would be stricter rules for my step-son, the same rules I expect my daughter to abide by, but I need my husband's cooperation which is not always there.

So please do not assume or insult step-parents because there are many of us who are doing double the work for our step-children who come with a lot of baggage and dysfunctional habits.

Seriously, the real issue is not about treating a child like the child who lives in a house full time, it's really about raising godly children. My step-son takes things from our house without asking and never brings them back. If my daughter took something from someone else I would instill some discipline and make her make restitution. Unfortunately it seems many step-children are spoiled which is not to their benefit.

I believe you are chastising the wrong crowd-Christian step-parents. A real Christian should not need to be told to treat another human with respect. What step-parents and bio parents of blended families need are guidelines and support to make the family unit the best possible.

 

[Grace51]

I've actually read the whole Bible and never recall seeing any such verses. And even though it may sound strange to some, I can only recall verses about teaching children God's rules/expectations, the importance of not spoiling children, but disciplining them, etc. I think it's assumed that parents will love their children and as an example there is the verse that discusses how parents know how to give good gifts to their children, not snakes, etc. And adopted children in that culture had all the rights of a bio child with the added benefit of never being disowned.

And even though I don't believe there is any scripture that addresses step-parents I don't think it's necessary to go searching. Any Christian should treat anyone fairly and that goes for step-children as well. As you have already admitted, we cannot make ourselves love someone by will and that is not what is required of us. We are to perform the duties we are required to do by God and nurture whatever children are in our households. And by everything I have seen this OP write, she is doing that within the guidelines that she has been allowed by her husband the father of the child.

I, my daughter and my husband have been accused of wrongdoing by my step-son and his mother. I know these acts were instigated by the mother, but my step-son chose to deliberately lie in some of these situations and I bet there was a payoff from his mother for it. He recanted the one against me, but it was a traumatic event. And still when he comes to our house he is treated with respect. I care for this child, but as for now none of us can trust him completely. We continue to pray for his mother and him and I tell you that this boy gets more attention than my daughter who is the same age and never complains. If it was up to me there would be stricter rules for my step-son, the same rules I expect my daughter to abide by, but I need my husband's cooperation which is not always there.

So please do not assume or insult step-parents because there are many of us who are doing double the work for our step-children who come with a lot of baggage and dysfunctional habits.

Seriously, the real issue is not about treating a child like the child who lives in a house full time, it's really about raising godly children. My step-son takes things from our house without asking and never brings them back. If my daughter took something from someone else I would instill some discipline and make her make restitution. Unfortunately it seems many step-children are spoiled which is not to their benefit.

I believe you are chastising the wrong crowd-Christian step-parents. A real Christian should not need to be told to treat another human with respect. What step-parents and bio parents of blended families need are guidelines and support to make the family unit the best possible.

i am tired going round and round

ok you want the scriptural passage

here you go.

Matthew 7:12“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

if it your daughter living in a step parenting situation. you would want her stepmother to treat to to them same standard as she would her own child

and please do not take apart what i said and go into the whole " oh, i discipline my daughter but not my stepson"

it is about you general attitude to the whole thing.

ever single time you interact with your step son, if you can answer this question with complete clear conscience ie if he is my bio child, would i do this. if answer is no, then you are not treating him fairly.

please do not give me the whole cope out that there is no scriptural passage that says i have to treat my step child as my own.

the op make it really clear that she is not treating the child as she would her own.

that is unacceptable

feeling can not be forced, but you have full control of your behavior

there is no such thing as trying my best in that area.

you either do the right thing or you are not doing the right thing.

period.

by the way, the whole feeling can not be forces, actually as a Christian , you should be asking God for help on that one too.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

and please do not take apart what i said and go into the whole " oh, i discipline my daughter but not my stepson"

it is about you general attitude to the whole thing.


the op make it really clear that she is not treating the child as she would her own.

that is unacceptable



by the way, the whole feeling can not be forces, actually as a Christian , you should be asking God for help on that one too.

and please do not take apart what i said and go into the whole " oh, i discipline my daughter but not my stepson"

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here, but this is a major issue for blended families. This is really the one area that is different in the way I treat my dd and ss. It is a major deal, not one to be dismissed so easily. this seems to be the major issue for the OP also. And as the wife part of the equation I have to let my dh lead, so if he doesn't support the ideas I have for disciplining his child, I have to listen to him.

the op make it really clear that she is not treating the child as she would her own.

The OP does not discipline her ss like her bio child and has to cater to some of her ss's food issues. This is because of constraints her dh has put on her. Is there somewhere in any of her posts that she writes otherwise? Are you taking issue with the fact that she and her husband seem to be tired and worn out at the end of their time with the step son? She is just being honest and feelings are not wrong! Note that the child's own father is worn out and ready for the child to leave! This is the right place for a step parent to come and vent and ask for help. The feeling is often the same way in my house when my ss comes. He is messy, takes over the whole couch, TV, stereo, etc. It gets really tiring and frustrating to keep reminding him to clean up and walk over him as he stretches out over half of our living room. And every once in a while he will have a huge teenager tantrum that we never have with my dd. It is tiring and I have found myself tensing up knowing he is coming later in the afternoon.

But, I have seen some results; he does clean up rarely on his own, but when I do remind him he is getting faster at it because he knows the drill and that I don't let things slide like his father.

But we never know what his mood will be like because he may have just had a fight with his mom and I noticed in the past that my dh would get very stressed out with his son here when he was in one of his rebellious moods. During some of these stressful times my dh has threatened to me that he was considering stopping his visitation and brings up how one of his brothers had disappeared for a few years because of a crazy ex and the kids being poisoned against him. Every time my dh has threatened this I have been the one to remind him that he can't do this because he has a responsibility that is very clear in the Bible and that what his brother did was wrong, but he also didn't have the support and instruction that my dh has. I'm the one telling my dh he needs to do his best to raise the child to know God because he isn't getting it from his mom!

Lets stop this going around and show me where the OP treated her step son badly or where her attitude was wrong.

And by the way I agree that we should be praying constantly for our kids, wisdom and patience when dealing with them and add to that for our husbands to have the wisdom to lead and this is something I do every day! Oh and we also pray for the bio mom and her salvation, but not every day on that one.

 

[Grace51]

and please do not take apart what i said and go into the whole " oh, i discipline my daughter but not my stepson"

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here, but this is a major issue for blended families. This is really the one area that is different in the way I treat my dd and ss. It is a major deal, not one to be dismissed so easily. this seems to be the major issue for the OP also. And as the wife part of the equation I have to let my dh lead, so if he doesn't support the ideas I have for disciplining his child, I have to listen to him.

ok, please understand i am not trying to undermine how difficult it is for you step parents. neither am i trying to say the bio parents is always fair / right when it comes to asking the step to not discipline the step child. you are talking about a step family issue here, an actual issue.

the op make it really clear that she is not treating the child as she would her own.

The OP does not discipline her ss like her bio child and has to cater to some of her ss's food issues. This is because of constraints her dh has put on her. Is there somewhere in any of her posts that she writes otherwise?

you are talking about behaviors, this is not what i have been addressing all along.

neither am i saying that this is not an actual issue here.

Are you taking issue with the fact that she and her husband seem to be tired and worn out at the end of their time with the step son? She is just being honest and feelings are not wrong!

and note in my last answers i said love can not be helped. that pretty much sum up my attitude towards this whole issue. it is natural for her to have those feelings.

Note that the child's own father is worn out and ready for the child to leave! This is the right place for a step parent to come and vent and ask for help. The feeling is often the same way in my house when my ss comes. He is messy, takes over the whole couch, TV, stereo, etc. It gets really tiring and frustrating to keep reminding him to clean up and walk over him as he stretches out over half of our living room. And every once in a while he will have a huge teenager tantrum that we never have with my dd. It is tiring and I have found myself tensing up knowing he is coming later in the afternoon.

ok i can see where you are coming from, and again this is an issue, i am not saying it is not. neither am i saying it is wrong for you or OP to address the issue

But, I have seen some results; he does clean up rarely on his own, but when I do remind him he is getting faster at it because he knows the drill and that I don't let things slide like his father.

i wont get into this here. but i will say if it is my own son, i would be very strict when it comes to this type of thing. but again, i am not talking about behaviors or actual issues. but i'll get to it later


But we never know what his mood will be like because he may have just had a fight with his mom and I noticed in the past that my dh would get very stressed out with his son here when he was in one of his rebellious moods. During some of these stressful times my dh has threatened to me that he was considering stopping his visitation and brings up how one of his brothers had disappeared for a few years because of a crazy ex and the kids being poisoned against him. Every time my dh has threatened this I have been the one to remind him that he can't do this because he has a responsibility that is very clear in the Bible and that what his brother did was wrong, but he also didn't have the support and instruction that my dh has.

well, i can appreciate where your husband is coming from. but you know, when i was a teenager, i am 10 times worse than your stepson, though much of is due to my depression etc etc, and there are many times my dad was frustrated with me, but it never crossed his mind to kick me out or anything

every kid deserved to be loved by their bio parents at least. it doesnt mean parents would not get frustrated with them. it just mean they are always there for the child no matter what

sounds like you need to pray to God and ask your husband to pray to God to show him what unconditionally love is all about.

I'm the one telling my dh he needs to do his best to raise the child to know God because he isn't getting it from his mom!

well, i think it is great you are doing this, and you deserve alot a credit for it, not even many Christian BSM would do this

Lets stop this going around and show me where the OP treated her step son badly or where her attitude was wrong


And by the way I agree that we should be praying constantly for our kids, wisdom and patience when dealing with them and add to that for our husbands to have the wisdom to lead and this is something I do every day! Oh and we also pray for the bio mom and her salvation, but not every day on that one

ok his bio mum is a real B, i get it. you know, if you go back and look at my answers, i have never once defended his bio mum behaviors or said what she is doing is not wrong.

yes, i know she must make you life hell, and i sympathize with that one.


all i am saying is that one should strive to love and treat their step kids as their own kids

it does not mean not disciplinings

it does not mean let them do whatever they want

it does not mean you can not be strict

it does not mean you wont get frustrated

it is just a general attitude behind it.

 

[tessajara2012]

Don't shoot the messenger, LOL, This is kind of what I have learned because I have felt this way too with my stepdaughter occasionally. When you don't have them everyday and a normal routine, after a couple days it does feel slightly overwhelming. But for some of the things you have mentioned I'll give you what has worked for the hubby and me in our home.

#1 (This is researched and learned) You can't create the same environment as the other family home, rules, routines, punishments etc. To some extent you might be able to but for the most part your and your husbands home will be alil different then the child is used to at the other home. And guess what, it won't hurt him at all. I have learned through research that this is ok! As long as you and your hubby are consistent in whatever you set into place he will adjust and do well. Its ok to have different rules or even punishments. My husband and I sat down after I hit my frustration limit and made a rule chart, we established what was acceptable and not and the punishments for our household so we were on the same page and then from there could enforce it. Since then those annoying lil things that I wouldn't have allowed but he was or things she gets away with at home no longer matter because she knows OUR rules and how things work HERE.

#2 LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE. If you can do those two things consistently and you will if you keep looking to God for support your family will prosper. There are soooo many dynamics to blended families that you could never address them all but if you work on just loving this boy as Christ called you to love EVERYONE, you will do well and it will bless him. Its not to say he won't test you or push buttons but you can enforce the rules and move on without as much frustration. Compassion goes a long way for our children they go through a lot in these situations.

#3 Christ, Husband-marriage, children. I am sure this will get to some people especially in step-family situations, they will ask are you saying that wives should choose their husband over their children??? Wife over my children??? Not quite, but... yes! Look the choice should never be between husband and children or wife and children, it should never ever appear on the table. What I am saying is this,God made the family unit in a certain way, Husband is the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church, everyone knows the verses of love and respect or husband and wife become one etc. Sooo before dealing with the children ALWAYS be on the same page as your husband make a joint game plan. Pray together, pray separately for tips on how God wants you to deal with something, for grace, patience, etc. If you and your husband are consistently putting your heads together it will make your marriage stronger, God will bless you both and in turn what flows out of your marriage will flow onto your children. Think of it like a waterfall. Christ gives his wisdom- goes down through your husband because you are both working together or through you into him then down through you both into your children.

Alot of my early frustrations were because something was wrong, and needed to be dealt with. But my role wasn't quite established and so I stuffed my frustrations. However once i talked with the hubby about her doing this or that and disciplining we started to brainstorm... it took awhile but we got a place where we were on the same page and it is working now. But my point is this, your feelings are very real, but the solution to EVERY struggle is prayer and seeking God's wisdom, and communication with your husband.