A little background...I have been married one year. I have a 15 year old son with high functioning autism and my husband has a 7 year old son. In the years since my husband was divorced, he visited his son at his ex wife's house and occasionally over night at his house. They lived in the same town so he could see him basically whenever he wanted. Now he is married to me and we live 3 hours away so his son comes every other weekend and holidays and several week long visits in the summer. This is his 2nd week long visit this summer. So here is the issue. We look forward to him coming. My son has always wanted a brother and loves having one now. He counts the days until his SB comes. But, it seems by the end of the week I and my son and I am pretty sure his dad are ready for him to go home. Somehow the week just seems so busy and not normal. SS can be hard to please when it comes to food and being 7 is very active and wants to do something all the time. I have noticed that his dad starts getting grouchy by the end of the week and short with his son. He is working on some minor behavior issues with his son like being demanding and whining and crying when he doesn't get his way and I know he doesn't want to be correcting behavior all week with his son, he would rather just be enjoying him. So I wonder is it normal for us to enjoy him coming but just ready to get back to our normal life or is something more wrong? It makes me feel bad that we just can't have a normal week we he is here. I want so much for us just to be a normal family when he is here and enjoy our time and be sad that he is leaving.
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Is this feeling normal?
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Hetta
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The visiting child is an outsider, and because of the disruption, it is natural that you want your own family life back, but still be very careful not to reject this child or make him feel unwelcome. Even if the visitor is demanding, that doesn't mean you have to give in to everything he wants to do, or cook or provide all the food that he wants. He can be gently reminded that "this is what we eat at our home" - and so long as he is being provided with healthy, nutritious food, that should be enough. If he wants fast food, and you don't do that, then the gentle answer is perhaps he can have one such meal on his last night. For a 7yo, perhaps the answer to his need for activity could be answered by going for some long walks, or tossing a football, or other activities. Perhaps you, your son, and husband would benefit from starting up some activities like that when this boy is not visiting, so that it won't be so hard to start something new when he visits?
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I think we do make him feel welcome. We always have something special planned when he comes. And we are outside all the time whether he is here or not. We garden and have the neighborhood kids over all the time throwing the baseball or something. It is is just when we just want to sit down for a while, he is bored and wants to do something else. He is used to eating out at least one meal a day in the summer at his home. We just don't do that. We eat what grow in the summer. We can't afford to eat out often and neither can his mom but she does it anyway and charges it. If we do go out to eat he wants an adult meal (which we don't buy and he wouldn't be able to eat if we did) rather than a kids meal.This week we canned pickles, made homemade ice cream, gone swimming twice at my brother's, made a homemade waterslide, played baseball several times, took him and the neighborhood kids on a ride in the truck through the woods and let him have a lemonade stand and still it is never enough. He loved doing these things but then he says...Why can't we go fishing (which costs too) or go eat at Longhorn's (a place we have never been) or go swimming again? I think at his house his mom keeps him busy always going to friend's houses or out to eat or shopping and he is indulged in most anything he wants. We go to the grocery store and he doesn't understand why he can't have $30 worth of snacks that he will take 2 bites of and then not eat anymore. I have thrown away so much food that we don't eat so now we chose the snacks. We tell him no and explain that we don't have the money to spend and that even if we did, we wouldn't spend it on things we don't need. His dad just gets tired of him never being satisfied. But, the funny thing is he never wants to go home and is sad on the last day he is here.
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Hetta
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At 7, he is old enough to hear the word "no" and to settle for it. I don't think it should be "no" all the time but it sounds as though you did some pretty wonderful and fun things for him. Would he be interested in understanding how expensive eating out is, compared to buying the ingredients and cooking the meal? Would you have him sit down and figure out what ingredients are required for his favorite meal, go with you to the store and buy them, and interest him also in the content of, say, beefburgers (if this is a favorite meal), and how much fat and calorie and sodium they have - education is important, hey? - then have him help you to prepare his favorite fast food meal at home, which would be enough for everyone, then have him help you break down the cost and compare it. It doesn't have to be exact. Just a ballpark figure.
It looks as though you have explained to him already a lot, and taken control of some areas such as snacks, so keep on doing the good work. When he asks if he can swim again, a simple "no, we are not swimming again this week (or today, or whatever)" should be enough.
Do you have any mandatory reading time? If not, start that with him. Find him some coloring books, or make playdough with him (there are recipes online). Make papier mache - that's an old one from my childhood, ha ha - which is just newspaper, and I think water and flour for the glue. You can nature hunt and then ask him to make a collage for his mom, or his step brother, or his dad. Let him make it anyhow he wants to, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it will take up some time.
I just wonder - is your husband and his EW on good terms? Could he talk to her about developing a joint plan of action? Could you? It would take some very careful wording to not upset her, but right now, what works against you is that you are developing good habits in your home, but when he goes back to his mom, then the bad habits are not corrected and so he has two very different homes. I would think that his mom, if she knew that you guys are being firm and that she can also be firm, would be glad to have to charge less on meals out. Can it be shared with her?
It looks as though you have explained to him already a lot, and taken control of some areas such as snacks, so keep on doing the good work. When he asks if he can swim again, a simple "no, we are not swimming again this week (or today, or whatever)" should be enough.
Do you have any mandatory reading time? If not, start that with him. Find him some coloring books, or make playdough with him (there are recipes online). Make papier mache - that's an old one from my childhood, ha ha - which is just newspaper, and I think water and flour for the glue. You can nature hunt and then ask him to make a collage for his mom, or his step brother, or his dad. Let him make it anyhow he wants to, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it will take up some time.
I just wonder - is your husband and his EW on good terms? Could he talk to her about developing a joint plan of action? Could you? It would take some very careful wording to not upset her, but right now, what works against you is that you are developing good habits in your home, but when he goes back to his mom, then the bad habits are not corrected and so he has two very different homes. I would think that his mom, if she knew that you guys are being firm and that she can also be firm, would be glad to have to charge less on meals out. Can it be shared with her?
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Those are great ideas. I have homeschooled my son most of his life so that is right up my alley. The problem is SS is not interested in doing much of anything unless someone is sitting right beside him and then he bores with it easily. His dad doesn't like for him to drag out things because he just wants my son to build whatever it is for him. Our house is like a educational toy store. lol No child should be bored, but whether it is a video game or legos, he wants someone else to do it for him. I would love for him to read or me read to him but he doesn't want to do that either. His dad doesn't want me to push him to read. He is a very smart child but is used to just watching tv and doing what he wants. I have never had to entertain my son all the time. I bought him or made him interesting things and provided lots of books and he has always kept himself busy. And if my son wants something he says please and thank you and understands no means no, so maybe I am just not tolerate of my SS personality. The food thing is driving me crazy. I just named several things he could have for dinner since we not having a regular sit down meal tonight and he said no to all. I finally said well you have to pick one and you have to eat or you can't go back out and play so he finally did. Other issues...he has a TV in his room that he sleeps with it on Nick all night. My son never had a tv in his room. My son only drank milk and water as a child and now only drinks juice milk and water (his choice) and eats all natural. SS drinks Cokes and Tea and YooHoo only and will not touch water. But..I am not going to fight that battle with my husband. If he lived with us I might push it. My husband and his EW do not get along because she knows SS wants to live with us and doesn't want to come home after a visit so she spoils him. He sleeps with her every night and still wears a pull up at night ( and he will be 8 in a few days) but that is another story. EW even took my husband to court and told the judge that SS was afraid of his dad and didn't want to visit anymore. Thankfully the judge didn't believe her and actually gave my husband more visitation. All I can say is she seems to be a sick woman and I pray for her.
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I think every family with only partial visitation feels that way to some extent. My step kids are always wanting to go do something, but when we have a day at home its like pulling teeth I dont have to keep the computers, video games, DS, and TVs off. We have countless things to do but I believe my step son has a high functioning form of Autism and at home sits around playing DS all day. Because of that he needs some nudging to entertain himself in a creative way.....and his weight has become a BIG problem. He only wants junk food and sits around at his moms. He weighs 15 lbs less than me. I'm 5'7" he's not quite 5" and weighs 115lbs at 10. :-/
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The princess bride, although my SS is not overweight now, I am worried that if he keeps these eating habits, he will be. I think it is just easier for his dad to just let him eat what he wants rather than hear him fuss. When he is alone with me at the house, I don't give in and he is ok because he knows when his dad gets home he can have what he wants. Last night my husband was getting very grouchy as he does at the end of every visit and said I am taking him home early tomorrow so I can get back and relax. I thought this was sad. I think with a little extra work and some punishment for whining, pouting and crying about everything, he could enjoy his son more.
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Your ss sounds like mine when your talking about wanting to do stuff all the time. J hates playing by himself, even though he has a very active imagination and has plenty of toys to play with. We limit his time on the computer and on the video games (which he doesn't like) and try to get him to go outside as much a possible. But he wants to be entertained at all times by either his dad, sister, or me.
What I have found is that it takes time and consistency. That for you is going to be different than us, since the kids live full time with us. Be patient with him. Sit him down and explain the rules of the house. And explain why you have those rules in place. He's old enough to understand the reason behind the rules. Make sure that he knows that his dad is behind the rules 100%. Once he understands that, and sees that his dad is going to enforce the rules too, he should start to calm down. It just takes time.
I wish you luck!
What I have found is that it takes time and consistency. That for you is going to be different than us, since the kids live full time with us. Be patient with him. Sit him down and explain the rules of the house. And explain why you have those rules in place. He's old enough to understand the reason behind the rules. Make sure that he knows that his dad is behind the rules 100%. Once he understands that, and sees that his dad is going to enforce the rules too, he should start to calm down. It just takes time.
I wish you luck!
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Thanks SarKris, I will keep working on our rules with him. Sometimes I think I am too patient with him and should be a little more stern but I know it is hard living in 2 different worlds at such a young age. I say that.....and then think....I did the same thing at his age!! But, I was not induldged. I did what ever the other kids did and my dad went about his day as usual. I got no special treatment. And sometimes I think that is better. The problem is I don't think my husband would be ok with that.
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As a non-parent, let me observe something. It seems to me that you've been treating him like a guest more than a son. A guest comes briefly, and probably for a specific purpose. We don't normally have expectations that they'll help around the house, and we often feel an obligation to entertain them. A son has obligations, is subject to discipline, and parents can't spend all their time making sure he's got something to do.
I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with him, and how all of this relates to the ex. But it seems to me that it would be better for everyone if you could move to treating him as a son. 7 is a little young, but you might even be able to explain to him why you want to change things a little bit. Can you talk about why you may not be able to or want to eat out as much? There are advantages to both approaches, so you don't have to criticize his mother. I admit that this would be easier to explain to an older kid. But I'd think that after some adjustment, he might actually prefer being treated as a son.
There are ways to discipline without punishment. I'd investigate things like positive discipline before punishing a kid for typical kid behaviors such as whining. I'm not in a position to take a hard-core position on discipline, particularly since the only kids I work with regularly are a lot older. But I'd suggest at least investigating non-punitive approaches. Certainly coordinating your approach with your husband seems important (and older son, since when working with a 7 year old he's pretty close to being a third adult, and with autism he's likely to need fairly specific guidance on what to do).
I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with him, and how all of this relates to the ex. But it seems to me that it would be better for everyone if you could move to treating him as a son. 7 is a little young, but you might even be able to explain to him why you want to change things a little bit. Can you talk about why you may not be able to or want to eat out as much? There are advantages to both approaches, so you don't have to criticize his mother. I admit that this would be easier to explain to an older kid. But I'd think that after some adjustment, he might actually prefer being treated as a son.
There are ways to discipline without punishment. I'd investigate things like positive discipline before punishing a kid for typical kid behaviors such as whining. I'm not in a position to take a hard-core position on discipline, particularly since the only kids I work with regularly are a lot older. But I'd suggest at least investigating non-punitive approaches. Certainly coordinating your approach with your husband seems important (and older son, since when working with a 7 year old he's pretty close to being a third adult, and with autism he's likely to need fairly specific guidance on what to do).
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Hedrick, Thank you for your reply. I was a public school teacher before I started homeschooling my son. I have neighborhood children in and out of my house all the time. I have no problem with any of them. They are polite and well mannered. If any of them acted like that, I would say plainly to them what I expected. I don't think my approach if directed to my ss would go over well with my husband. He tends to see him as a small child and doesn't know any better. But then he himself will eventually get upset with his behavior. I think he would defend him if I treated him as I would my own son or the other children around here. So I guess the issue is my husband loves to see his son but also feeling sorry for him because he is not around all the time (not his choice) doesn't correct his son enough. If he lived with us, I know my husband would probably be different. So for now we are stuck with enjoying him but ready for him to go home when it is time. Reminds me almost of a grandparent and grandchild.
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eatenbylocusts
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My comments are directed towards the whole thread, but wanted to address the one comment about not punishing for whining. I would disagree with this because that whining is a very bad habit that needs to be addressed. The punishment must fit the crime though and I believe kids need to know clearly what is expected and what will happen if they insist on continuing to be disobedient. There also needs to be a time of adjustment allowed to break habits. I had found an "if/then" chart online that is a laminated sheet that outlines various forms of disobedience, why it is wrong (with scripture), and a spot to write the punishment. This would be perfect for a 7 year old.
I want to encourage the OP that her home sounds like an awesome place and I would like to come and hang out with my dd, lol. I wish I was like that. I'm going to get off this computer in a minute and get out of the house with my dd and do something fun. Seriously, OP you are doing some wonderful stuff and I do like what the above poster mentioned about treating the ss a bit more like a resident. He should have some responsibilities. I say that as I consider my 13 year old ss who won't even put away his clean clothes and doesn't have any consistent jobs around our house. Last night I told him that I would continue washing his socks and underwear but I wasn't going to wash his clothes anymore because it didn't make sense if he was just going to throw them on the floor. He responded ok. We have discussed this before and at times he cleans up by throwing everything back in his hamper even though he hasn't worn it since it was washed.
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Avniel
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I'm glad God doesn't think about us the same way. I think that is his son not a guest you have to respect him being a child and high on energy. That is his father his responsibility is to provide for his son then you and your son. So you really have no right to feel like. And dealing with bad behavior is why he has a parent. The fact is he is still a baby he's 7 years old he needs to learn and to grow he needs to be taught he needs to run around he's a kid. You didn't just marry your husband you married him and an entire new family.
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eatenbylocusts
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NO!!!!!!! I don't think this was an issue raised in this thread, but the marriage comes first, then the kids. The marriage is the thing that gives the kids stability that they need. This doesn't mean that the kids suffer or don't get their legitimate needs met, it actually only benefits them with proper priorities are put in place.
Secondly, this step-mother seems to be doing an excellent job and your comments to her seem very out of place and confused. She's trying to figure out how to be an even better step mom and I'm wondering if you are grasping that?????
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well, actually, i can see both your point and Avniel, but i agree with him more.
you say marriage come first because it provide stability for the child, i agree. But you also said it does not mean kids suffer or do not get their legitimate needs met, well guess what, one of the legitimate need her stepson has is to be loved or at least treated as a son of the family, not just a 'honored" guest, because he is not a guest, he is her husbands child for God sake! being treated like an honored guest simply is not good enough! what kind of parents could get away saying that about their biological child?
And furthermore, as Christians, our first and number one priority to obey God, and did God ever said it is ok to sacrifice doing the right thing by the child God placed in your life just so you can have a happier relationship with you husband, NO!
I think the point Avniell tried to make was her general attitude is all wrong, she think she is doing right by her step son by treating him like a honored guest, how she would treated any other kids? And yet he is the son of her husband? and her stepson ( hopefully as a Christian she is working to pass that step label).
So again, i think it is great she is trying to treat her stepson kindly, but it is simply not good enough.
and you know what she need to do, she need to realize that she need to learn to be a real mum to her stepson, not a stepmum, that is the Christian thing to do.
lastly, as i was reading through her post, i can not help but notice that she keep talking about her stepson in relations to how he could make others in the family happy, her husband, herself, her own son. She make her stepson sound like an accessory or something, whose sole job is to make other members of family happy, rather than actually concerns about what is in her stepson best interest.
to me, that sounds like classic mentality of a stepmother.
again, not good enough!
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eatenbylocusts
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classic mentality of a stepmother. What exactly is the classic mentality of a stepmother? I've never had a stepmom, so my previous experience would be based on TV and movies and maybe some fairytales. What about you? I can tell you what my step-son's friend told him 2 summers ago when I made him eat some homemade pancakes and finish doing some chores before I allowed him to go outside and play; "Dude. You are so lucky your step mom even talks to you nice and makes you food. My stepmom won't even talk to me and when she does it's not nice. You need to do your chores."
I felt like I should've paid the kid because my stepson stopped grumbling and did what I told him to do.I'm guessing you're not a stepmom and don't have any idea of all of the issues that come in to play. We as wives, have to let our husbands be the leaders. This doesn't mean we don't do our part (which is tremendous and lengthy to outline), but the kids should be seeing that we don't undermine his authority. I have some things in my mind that I believe would be most beneficial for my stepson as far as discipline and homework go, but if my husband chooses not to take my advice, I cannot just disregard him and do my own thing. The OP has ideas about how the boy should be treated, but her dh is resistant probably because of guilt of not having his son there all the time. The treating of the boy as a guest seems to be the doing of the father, not the step mom!
I see a woman trying to do her best to honor her husband and raise ALL the kids and I am just astounded at the last two critiques of her which seem totally off base from all that I have read here.
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classic mentality of a stepmother. What exactly is the classic mentality of a stepmother? I've never had a stepmom, so my previous experience would be based on TV and movies and maybe some fairytales. What about you?
the classic mentality of a stepmother is one that does not want to treat or regard their step children as their own!
anyone who have "reasonable" understanding of the scripture on sinful nature as well as reasonable amount of life experience know that means.
as for your insult of me basing me opinions on movies etc etc
i am not even going to dignify your insult with a response!
I can tell you what my step-son's friend told him 2 summers ago when I made him eat some homemade pancakes and finish doing some chores before I allowed him to go outside and play; "Dude. You are so lucky your step mom even talks to you nice and makes you food. My stepmom won't even talk to me and when she does it's not nice. You need to do your chores."
huh????????
so you want to play the game of relativity here?
"oh guess what, because my stepson friend step mother is kind of a cow, by comparison, i am so much better, hence that excuse me the responbility of treating and loving my step child as my own"
it is like me saying "oh guess what, because there are so many people out there who would not even speak to their own parents, guess that is a legitimate excuse for me to stuff them in retirement home when they are old, as i speak to my parents at least once a year"
the argument of relativity is certainly very convient , is it not?
I'm guessing you're not a stepmom and don't have any idea of all of the issues that come in to play. We as wives, have to let our husbands be the leaders. This doesn't mean we don't do our part (which is tremendous and lengthy to outline), but the kids should be seeing that we don't undermine his authority.
ok i agree, i am not a stepmother myself, and i am sure there are many difficulties you stepmothers face that i do not understand.
however, you seem to be missing the issue here ( or maybe you do not want to understand, but i will get to that later), the issue here is not whether you should discipline your step children, it is not about letting them to whatever they want, it is about your general attitude towards them, ie as a Christian stepmother, you have the obligation to strive to treat your stepchildren as your own, you have the obligation to strive to love your stepchildren as your own.
obviously i understand as human beings, we all fail from time to time. and love is something one can not be forced.
but the point is are you striving towards those goals, are you repenting when you fell short and attempt to make a change and possibly apologize to your step children, are you asking God for help?
none of the concepts i talk about here should be alien to a Christian such as yourself.
the point here is are you going to acknowledge them or not.
I have some things in my mind that I believe would be most beneficial for my stepson as far as discipline and homework go, but if my husband chooses not to take my advice, I cannot just disregard him and do my own thing. The OP has ideas about how the boy should be treated, but her dh is resistant probably because of guilt of not having his son there all the time. The treating of the boy as a guest seems to be the doing of the father, not the step mom!
i have never said that the father is using the right approach right now is the right one. yes based on what OP has said, he does to seem to indulge his son a little bit too much.
but at same time, given the fact the OP has made it really clear that she seem to think it is acceptable to treat her step son like any other guest in their house, not as her son, i do not blame her husband for not wanting her to take over!
if i am her husband, and i know she thinks like this. i would have firm talk with her a long long time again, basically explaining to her that i will not have my own child be treated as less than a member of the family, because he is my son. And if she continue to disregard this, she and her son will be out ot the door so fast that she would not even know what even hit her!
bottom line, i will not have my child treated like a mere guest in my house, sorry, it is completely unacceptable, it is not going happen.
agian it is not about whether the child should be disciplined or not. it is about whether she is striving to treat him as her own, incl discipline him as she would her own son.
or is she only interested in applying double standard. one standard to her own son, and a completely diff one to her step.
which is clearly what she is doing here. i have this feeling if her husband ever suggested for her son to be treated like a mere guest in their own house, she would throw a complete fit. yet she think it is completely acceptable to do that to his son
I see a woman trying to do her best to honor her husband and raise ALL the kids and I am just astounded at the last two critiques of her which seem totally off base from all that I have read here
no she is not trying her best at all is she is not striving to treat her step son as her own, period!
so, no, not good enough!
again, my critiques is not on what she actually do as much as her general attitude towards step parenting.
God clearly tells us to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves.
if she want her husband to strive to treat her son as his own, she should do no less.
as for you, i can understand why you feel so strongly about this, as you keep using the word step to describe your stepson.
it is up to you what you or the OP want to do.
but Gods words never change, and i will not be making apology for stating His words as it is.
anyway, you see what would have happened if this boy is not her step son but her adopted son, no offense, but step parents often thinks they are entitled to not have to love or treat their step child as their own.
but in Gods eyes, there is absolutely no diff between the situation of step parenthood and adopt parenthood.
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eatenbylocusts
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