Is this an example of "Gaslighting"

[seeingeyes]

Here is something that just happened. I get a text from him, no words just a pictures of a street sign in front of a building. It's small so I can not make out much more. So I text back that the image is small, what was it he wanted me to see. He text back it is the Seven Sea Resort in Daytona. I'm like, ok, why are you texting me this. He respons, just wanted to share.

His mom's time share is not in Daytona, he is in Daytona at least 2 or 3 times a month, he doesn't really even like Daytona, I rarely go there, it's not like it is all that far from us. I could see him texting me if he had to spend the night in Panama City. We have never been to the Seven Seas resort, it has no speical meaning for us, and it wasn't like there was something special in the picture like a cute doggie or a water spout or a shot of the ocean.

He just wants to share that he is in Daytona. Ok that is nice, but out of the blue? he never texts me unless he wants me to do something. I just do not know what to think about it.

Then ask him straight up: Why did you want to share this?

 

[moonkitty]

Then ask him straight up: Why did you want to share this?

I did and he never responded. I don't know if that meant he got busy at work or just chose to ignore it.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Has he always communicated like this?

 

[seeingeyes]

I did and he never responded. I don't know if that meant he got busy at work or just chose to ignore it.

Then ask him later. Tell him, "Babe, I was thinking about what you said about us communicating better, and I'd like to work on that. So maybe you could help me flesh this out. What were you trying to tell me in that one text?"

It's generally better to frame these things in a 'me and you vs the world' way instead of a 'me vs you' way. But it can be tough to avoid the overwhelming desire to say "what the heck are you even talking about, jerkface?!"

Resist the urge.

 

[moonkitty]

Has he always communicated like this?

No, up until recently--I thought we communicated pretty well. This last year seems so strange with him. It's like he is changing and I don't know what to do with him.

 

[dorig59]

Is he in his early 40's?

 

[LinkH]

The problem with the conversations you posted is that he seems to get annoyed when you can't read those little bits of information in his mind he isn't sharing.

I know this guy from church who, when he talks, he leaves some little gaps in his reasoning-- things he's thinking, but not quite saying. You kind of have to guess to fill in the blanks. He's never gotten upset with me for not understanding. If someon'e mind works a little different from what you are used to, or everyone else's-- especially if it's a spouse-- you shouldn't get too upset about that. But it's hard. It's bad if your spouse gets upset for your not understanding, though. Maybe you could get his permission to record a conversation, go over it in detail-- or just print up the conversation in your post as an example-- and explain your problem, asking him not to be condescending about it when you can't read his mind-- in a nice way of course. (I ought to get an award for sentence length for that last one.)

My wife asked me last night if she thought we should buy the thing. I responded something like this, "I don't know if we should buy that thing, because if we buy that thing, we might also need the other thing. But we could use the money from that thing to be the thing. So I'm not sure. What's the thing?" I was teasing. Maybe I shouldn't do that.

In my wife's language, they have word that means 'do that' which is vage. It's a verb form of the word 'that'. So one time, I'm sitting at the table with my wife and sister-in-law, and my wife says "Itukan itunya" which translates "Do that to the that." I always used to ask her how she expect me to understand her without any nouns. But when she said that, my sister-in-law put the lid back on the ketchup or hotsauce. Maybe it's a cultural thing, or maybe they are sisters and they are on the same wavelength, or maybe that sentence just frustrates me so much I was overlooking the obvious, but I was kind of amazed that her sister-in-law could pick on it. Her whole language is a lot more vague than English, I think. We'll use multiple words with shades of meaning like shame, guilt, shyness, and embarrassment, where they use one word for all of those. She rarely says those vague things these days, which is good.

 

[seeingeyes]

In my wife's language, they have word that means 'do that' which is vage. It's a verb form of the word 'that'. So one time, I'm sitting at the table with my wife and sister-in-law, and my wife says "Itukan itunya" which translates "Do that to the that." I always used to ask her how she expect me to understand her without any nouns.

That's exactly how my sister and I talk. "Did you thing that thing you were supposed to thing?" "Yep, and I also..." "I know whatcha mean." lol

But with my husband, not so much. He likes to start a story at the most exciting part, so I am always saying, "But wait! What? How did that come about?!"

Which is why forgiveness is the primary glue of any marriage.

 

[mkgal1]

The Traits of an Abusive Husband

The key motivational factor that defines an emotionally abusive person is a deep-seated need to be in control. Because of the abuser’s insecurities, feelings of inadequacy, and distorted beliefs about women and marriage, he feels he must control his wife or lose her. The abuser will use manipulative and heavy-handed tactics to keep his wife off balance. For example, the abuser may resort to intimidation eliciting fear, guilt, pity, or anger making a person feel vulnerable, in danger, unprotected, or helpless put-downs, criticism, or verbal abuse causing shame or humiliation controlling another’s schedule keeping another ignorant regarding herself, the world, finances, or others keeping a person in crisis, and thus occupied and off balance conspiracy and turning others away from aiding the person creating situations in which there is no way to win lying or gossip threatening self-harm or suicide possessiveness and jealousy.

Although the behaviors in and of themselves are forms of abuse, it is the constant climate of destruction that leaves a woman believing she is trapped, with no confidence or hope that there is a way out. ~Killer of Christian Marriages, abuse in christian marriages, | Boundaries & Freedom

A person's mistreatment of another doesn't mean they're a "monster"....but, what your husband is doing does sound like something is causing him to have contempt for you.

Just to try to make that a little more easy to digest......it doesn't take too much negative influence for an otherwise loving person to flip into one that is disrespectful and rude. My own DD....who had always been very close to me (we homeschooled---and she's an only child) had been convinced that I was controlling her. With that thought in her mind, she (I believe) had this defensiveness towards almost anything I had said or done.....and perceived it as controlling.

 

[LinkH]

It sounds like he made some rude comments and maybe he's a bit too myopic, metaphorically speaking, to realize how vague what he said was. But to jump from that to the word 'abusive'-- I think that's too big of a leap. If we use that word too much, we'll take the power out of the word and end up redefining it.

I just saw a sign on campus here that said, "Please don't abuse the furniture."

After my time on this forum, I got this great idea for a YouTube video. First, I film the sign. Then I come up to a chair and tell it how worthless it is and thoroughly demean the chair for it's lack of fluffiness and tell it how unattractive it is.

My little video could close with a caption that says, "Verbal abuse. It's just as bad as the real thing."

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

That would drive me insane.

 

[Puptart]

If we use that word too much, we'll take the power out of the word and end up redefining it.

Some words deserve to be re-defined. There was a time when the word abuse would never be considered for verbal/emotional abuse.. physical abuse was the only "accepted" form of abuse. The definition has changed dramatically already.

I'm not saying you're wrong either.. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is abuse, at least based on so little information. Obviously there are communication issues that deserve addressing but I'm really not ready to label it "abuse" either.

But I just wanted to put this out there, that re-defining words isn't a bad thing.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Moonkitty, are there other things that are "Unbalanced" other than this communication glitch? (I feel like I'm on "What's my line" all the sudden)

 

[moonkitty]

Then ask him later. Tell him, "Babe, I was thinking about what you said about us communicating better, and I'd like to work on that. So maybe you could help me flesh this out. What were you trying to tell me in that one text?"

It's generally better to frame these things in a 'me and you vs the world' way instead of a 'me vs you' way. But it can be tough to avoid the overwhelming desire to say "what the heck are you even talking about, jerkface?!"

Resist the urge.

During diner I asked him why he felt he needed to send me a picture of a random hotel (there are about a billion of them in Daytona). He said, it wasn't a random hotel it was the Seven Seas. I asked what made the Seven Seas resort not random. His reply was that it was iconic* and had been there a long time; and basically he just wanted me to know he was not only in Daytona, but on A1A just a stone throw from the beach. I asked him how he thought I was suppose to deduce all of that from a picture. He just shrugged.



*I disagree that the Seven Seas is iconic, old yes, but hardly what I call iconic.

 

[moonkitty]

Is he in his early 40's?

He is 42.

 

[moonkitty]

A person's mistreatment of another doesn't mean they're a "monster"....but, what your husband is doing does sound like something is causing him to have contempt for you.

Just to try to make that a little more easy to digest......it doesn't take too much negative influence for an otherwise loving person to flip into one that is disrespectful and rude. My own DD....who had always been very close to me (we homeschooled---and she's an only child) had been convinced that I was controlling her. With that thought in her mind, she (I believe) had this defensiveness towards almost anything I had said or done.....and perceived it as controlling.

But I don't know what I would be doing to cause contempt. And asking him to communicate what it is is like getting blood from a turnip. He can hardly answer a direct yes/no question without being vague.

 

[moonkitty]

It sounds like he made some rude comments and maybe he's a bit too myopic, metaphorically speaking, to realize how vague what he said was. But to jump from that to the word 'abusive'-- I think that's too big of a leap. If we use that word too much, we'll take the power out of the word and end up redefining it.

I just saw a sign on campus here that said, "Please don't abuse the furniture."

After my time on this forum, I got this great idea for a YouTube video. First, I film the sign. Then I come up to a chair and tell it how worthless it is and thoroughly demean the chair for it's lack of fluffiness and tell it how unattractive it is.

My little video could close with a caption that says, "Verbal abuse. It's just as bad as the real thing."

I think content is important for word usage. In that case, "Please Don't Abuse the Furniture" is appropriate usage of the word "abuse." The content is understood.

What my husband is doing is answering without my knowledge of the content.

 

[snoochface]

If he weren't being so smug about it, I would chalk it up to differences in communication style. A lot of times my husband will think he's answering a direct question by giving other sets of information that relate to the question but don't directly answer it, thinking that the deduction from that point would be obvious (it's not). But there's no malice there, it's just that we think differently.

But your husband is demonstrating a smug and insulting attitude. It's like he relishes the fact that he has information you want, and he can decide a) whether or not to provide it to you; b) whether or not to toy with you about it; and c) whether or not to disdain you with it. It sounds almost like a control issue to me.

So I'm curious if he tries to control you or his environment in other inappropriate ways. Or, if in the last year that this has been going on, has he felt a lack of control over important areas of his life (work changes, for example) that might make him want to take control wherever he can?

It reminds me of a bully situation, where a kid being bullied will sometimes turn around and bully a younger/smaller kid, just to regain some semblance of control over *something*. Regardless, what he's doing is disrespectful, not so much in the fact that he's doing it, but in the attitude and the seeming intent behind it.

 

[mkgal1]

Snoochface explained better what I was trying to express---that there seems to be a control issue....and it seems to be driven by another source.

I don't think you have done anything, MoonKitty, for him to have contempt for you----but, it does seem that somewhere he's getting the idea that he needs to "keep you wondering" about things.

I'm only grasping at straws (and possibly projecting)....but, you said your MIL rarely phones you, and communication is between your hubby and her. Could she be planting little seeds of resentment when she speaks to your husband? To give you an idea of what I mean....some of the things my DD had been told about me (I believe in order to drive a wedge between she and I) were that I "had to know everything"....that I am "all about control".....and that I "couldn't stand not knowing things"...so, her defense was to be vague (which was very out of character for us). Now that that influence is gone.....our relationship is back to how it's always been.

 

[mkgal1]

It sounds like he made some rude comments and maybe he's a bit too myopic, metaphorically speaking, to realize how vague what he said was. But to jump from that to the word 'abusive'-- I think that's too big of a leap. If we use that word too much, we'll take the power out of the word and end up redefining it.

I just saw a sign on campus here that said, "Please don't abuse the furniture."

After my time on this forum, I got this great idea for a YouTube video. First, I film the sign. Then I come up to a chair and tell it how worthless it is and thoroughly demean the chair for it's lack of fluffiness and tell it how unattractive it is.

My little video could close with a caption that says, "Verbal abuse. It's just as bad as the real thing."

FTR----I didn't use the word "abuse" in my post....here is what I *did* say:

Just to try to make that a little more easy to digest......it doesn't take too much negative influence for an otherwise loving person to flip into one that is disrespectful and rude. My own DD....who had always been very close to me (we homeschooled---and she's an only child) had been convinced that I was controlling her. With that thought in her mind, she (I believe) had this defensiveness towards almost anything I had said or done.....and perceived it as controlling.

From what MoonKitty is saying........this is out of character for him, so it wouldn't be accurate to label him with this recent behavior .....but, it is an destructive pattern (hopefully just temporary) as it tears down the relationship.

The rest of your post (Link) seems to be mocking verbal abuse.....but, that's off topic....so, I will leave it at that.