Is this Abuse?

[Firefly24]

Can someone help me define verbal/emotional abuse? Doing research and seeking counsel, but still confused. DH rages about 4x a year, screaming, swearing, putting me down, name calling and saying Get the F out. Afraid I have grown used to it but this last time actually scared me. I do not want to be a victim. Seeking counsel for both of us but funny how his memory of the events are different than mine. Thank you.

 

[brinny]

Yes, dear heart, it is abuse, in multiple ways. (((hug)))

 

[Firefly24]

Thank you. What do you mean by multiple ways? I am thinking his memory problem is part of it. Not sure what to do. I truly want to fight to save my marriage and keep my vows. Hugs back to you!

 

[brinny]

Can someone help me define verbal/emotional abuse? Doing research and seeking counsel, but still confused. DH rages about 4x a year, screaming, swearing, putting me down, name calling and saying Get the F out. Afraid I have grown used to it but this last time actually scared me. I do not want to be a victim. Seeking counsel for both of us but funny how his memory of the events are different than mine. Thank you.

The "rage" alone is, especially if you are the "target" of it, and "trapped", to boot, traumatizing. The screaming during the rage is at "least" verbal abuse, especially if/when you are the target of it and it is "assaulting" you non-stop. Along with the "swearing" AT you, as it sharpens the painful injuries you are already receiving. Insulting you, putting you down, just digs even deeper into these current woundings and any previous wounds you've suffered through. Saying/yelling "Get the F out" bludgeons any semblance of well-being that you might still possess.

No wonder you're scared, to say the least.

He needs help.

So do you. For yourself, seek competent counseling to sort out what you've endured (most times many victims of these kinds of abuses shut down as a way of just trying to cope). Find a competent and caring counselor who will provide a safe space to begin to speak on what has been going on.

Seeking counseling doesn't mean you are ending your marriage. It just means that the counselor can help you identify why you got scared, and how to learn to take care of yourself and begin to detach from any unhealthy notion that taking care of yourself means that you do not care for your husband.

Feeling fearful is a healthy response to something scary. It is basically a danger alarm going off.

'Tis good to heed such alarms.

There's a reason, or two or three or four why you got scared, dear heart (((hug)))

 

[Firefly24]

Thank you my friend. That does make a lot of sense. Seems I needed that reminder since in the past I was raised in an abusive household and I had learned to take it. Toughen up. That is quite dysfunctional but I need to remember I am not at fault here. I pray not. Hugs and thank you for your kindness. Fear of him going over the edge is a BIG issue.

 

[brinny]

And that fear is for good reason. Abuse usually escalates. If he's not getting help for his illness, it will escalate also. In the meantime, it is of the utmost importance that you be removed and safe from any possible danger, dear heart. (((hug)))