Is this abuse?

[thequestionistgirl]

So, my husband and I are falling in faith. We've been going through trying times in our marriage financially, emotionally, spiritually & any other way you can think of. We've been Irresponsible & rather turning completely to God we've mostly turned to alcohol. I was so drunk I passed out and woke up to my husband having sex with me. I feel completely violated. This has happened more than once but about a year ago and he knows I feel violated. Is this abuse or am I over doing it? My judgement is clouded and I really just dont want another problem on top of the problems we have. I know we shouldn't drink and I have told him I dont want us having alcohol in the house anymore and he's kept that. But I still just feel so violated.

********Edition: (I'm new here so not sure if I should have posted a reply or whatever to address you alls questions) Ive read most of you alls replies and I thank you all for your input. Here's the thing. Ive been drinking for a very long time. I have periods of not drinking and when things get hard in my life I start drinking again. I basically am an alcoholic. Thats the first time Ive said that out loud. I drink heavily when I drink and I use to have a "high tolerance" like some of you have mentioned, but now I drink half of what I use to and I BLACK OUT! Not walking around doing things, not functional but drunk, no laid out not moving BLACKED OUT! The fact is Im smart enough to know that my husband figured this out and the 1st time he violated me, I realized right then and there that he knew he could use my weakness to his advantage. I knew right then that not only did he use it, but he wasn't "sorry" for doing it because he tried to lie and say all those things that some of you said like "no babe we were making out, no we started having sex and THEN you passed out," but its not true. I know my vice and its consequence and the fact is I was passed out. <staff edit> I am studying law, so ChurchGolfer I know its rape thank you I needed someone else to say that because he's my husband! He's my husband and yet he took advantage of me. So I think I should have asked how do I deal with this? How do I deal with the fact that I know no that I cannot be vulnerable around my own damn husband? The good news is that I don't want to drink...how poetic right. Counseling we are already in and even my counselor, who is also Christian, wont call it rape and I think its because he's my husband and because we're Christian and because we do believe our bodies are our spouses. But not like this. I do not think this is what God has in mind with the whole "you become 1" thing. Please pray for me. Thank you all.

 

[seeingeyes]

So, my husband and I are falling in faith. We've been going through trying times in our marriage financially, emotionally, spiritually & any other way you can think of. We've been Irresponsible & rather turning completely to God we've mostly turned to alcohol. I was so drunk I passed out and woke up to my husband having sex with me. I feel completely violated. This has happened more than once but about a year ago and he knows I feel violated. Is this abuse or am I over doing it? My judgement is clouded and I really just dont want another problem on top of the problems we have. I know we shouldn't drink and I have told him I dont want us having alcohol in the house anymore and he's kept that. But I still just feel so violated.

Has it happened since you told your husband how you feel about it? Did he say that you consented? Does he remember what happened?

 

[DZoolander]

If it happened before - and you told him that you felt it was a violation - then he did it again...yeah.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It depends on if you believe the his body is your body and vice versa, and if you said yes before you blacked out, and if he knew you were blacked out when you said yes or after you said yes.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Yes, it's abuse. It's rape to have sex with someone when they are unconscious. If you're unconscious, you can't consent. No consent = rape.

It doesn't matter if you're married. It doesn't matter if you did or did not tell him that you didn't like it after the first time. It was rape the first time, too.

Marital Rape Law & Legal Definition

 

[Hetta]

There are no ifs and buts. You told him not to do it again and he did. So, yes, it is abusive to have sex with someone who has not consented.

 

[ALEA40]

Could he have been so intoxicated that he didn't realize what was happening either? I would talk about it with him and express your feelings. Alcohol is a tricky thing. I have had at least 2 experiences where I completely blacked out but no one would have known (many years ago). Those memories are completely lost to me. I would also pray about this. The Holy Spirit will guide you on this and give you the strength to overcome this temptation.

Sending prayers

 

[DZoolander]

Could he have been so intoxicated that he didn't realize what was happening either? I would talk about it with him and express your feelings. Alcohol is a tricky thing. I have had at least 2 experiences where I completely blacked out but no one would have known (many years ago). Those memories are completely lost to me. I would also pray about this. The Holy Spirit will guide you on this and give you the strength to overcome this temptation.

Not meaning to hijack - but it's kinda relevant.

Are you saying that you "Blacked out" - meaning lost consciousness of what you were doing - yet you were still doing stuff/walking around/making decisions? I only ask because that's so foreign to me - and people saying "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" has always been a pet peeve of mine.

In my younger years (ya know, when you can first legally drink and you think it's cool to) I got pretty blitzed a few times. Heck - I remember one time going to a wrap party for a movie (they had Green Jello and a few other 90's bands playing there) - I got lit. Probably the drunkest I've ever been.

I remember being driven home after having probably 8-9 shots, 3-4 beers, a couple of mixed drinks, a few kamikazees, etc...(I always had a decent tolerance for the stuff) and thinking to myself "my girlfriend's best friend is pretty hot. Maybe I should say something."

But, even that lit, I was like..."nah - bad idea." So, I've never had an experience where I found myself in some predicament that I created without knowledge of the fact that I had created it. I've never been in a situation where I was doing stuff - but not known what I was doing. To that end - I can't imagine just finding myself on top of some girl and going "Wow - how and when did that happen?"

Ya know?

 

[LinkH]

I was going to ask something along the lines of eZoolander's question. From talking to your husband are you sure the situation was that you were passed out and he had sex with you in that condition? I've never been drunk, but some people say they can't remember certain things when they were really drunk.

My wife doesn't drink either, but if we were in that situation and my wife had sex with me when I were passed out or started having sex with me while I was asleep, I'd be okay with that if she wouldn't hurt me. But I'm a man and anatomically this sort of thing couldn't physically damage me if she's gentle. But women are a bit different from men in this regard. I wouldn't do something like that to my wife because I there is a chance she may not be okay with it, and it's supposed to be something good and enjoyable for her, too.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him how I felt about it, but forgive him. Especially if he apologizes about it. This could be classified as marital rape, or you could have just gotten drunk, had sex, and woke up not remembering some details and feeling confused. But it's the sort of thing that some couples may be fine with, maybe not the majority, but some. Married couples sleep with each other, and it's an expected part of the marriage, so it is different from a single girl going out with a guy on a date and finding out that he had sex with her when she was passed out drunk, or a man attacking a single drunk girl in an alley. What's acceptable in a marriage when it comes to issues like sexual touching while one partner is asleep is the kind of thing each couple has to work out for themselves.

If I were you, I'd try to get his version of the story. Is it possible you were responding to him, but too drunk to realize it and you couldn't remember when you woke up?

And I do agree with you that you both need to stop getting drunk.

 

[Hetta]

it is different from a single girl going out with a guy on a date and finding out that he had sex with her when she was passed out drunk, or a man attacking a single drunk girl in an alley

No it's not. Having sex with a person without their consent is always wrong. A marriage licence doesn't mean you don't have to respect your partner's wishes.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

This could be classified as marital rape, or you could have just gotten drunk, had sex, and woke up not remembering some details and feeling confused.

Don't gaslight her. She said what happened:

I was so drunk I passed out and woke up to my husband having sex with me.

Don't try to change the story with comments about how maybe what she said happened isn't what really happened. She knows what happened. She feels violated by it.

What her husband did to her was abuse. Quick forgiveness if he says he's sorry is not going to fix the abusive dynamic in their relationship. Abusers always SAY they are sorry. But words are cheap and they don't mean bupkiss.

OP, I suggest that at the very least, you insist that your husband attend counseling.

 

[ALEA40]

Not meaning to hijack - but it's kinda relevant.

Are you saying that you "Blacked out" - meaning lost consciousness of what you were doing - yet you were still doing stuff/walking around/making decisions? I only ask because that's so foreign to me - and people saying "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" has always been a pet peeve of mine.

Yes, I have read about it since. If there is too much alcohol in your body, the brain cannot lay down memories properly. I don't think you necessarily deviate from typical behavior. I still ended up with pjs on in the morning but had no recollection of how I got there. This was 20 years ago in college. I had one other incident similar probably 10 years ago with too much red wine. I try to stay away from it completely now.

 

[DZoolander]

Weird. Guess I never got that drunk!

 

[LinkH]

Don't gaslight her. She said what happened:

If she's been drunk before and found out later she did things she had no recollection of, she should take that into consideration. It's a possible scenario. I wasn't there, and I'm not gas lighting anyone. You weren't there either.

What her husband did to her was abuse. Quick forgiveness if he says he's sorry is not going to fix the abusive dynamic in their relationship. Abusers always SAY they are sorry. But words are cheap and they don't mean bupkiss.

And there are also people who make really foolish decisions on occasions, especially drunk people. IPeople who do that say they are sorry. f you don't know what her relationship is like, you can't say if there is an ongoing abusive dynamic in the relationship either.

I suspect there isn't anyone on here who hasn't at some time said or did something that hurt their partner, maybe not something physical like this, but everyone has done something. If your partner tries to apologize and make amends and your attitude is 'words are cheap' that's not really good for the future of the relationship.

 

[LinkH]

No it's not. Having sex with a person without their consent is always wrong.

It's never happened to me, in or out of marriage, but it would have to be different. Experiencing that from someone one had committed to spend one's life with would have to be different, emotionally, from an attack in an alley. There would be a different set of thoughts and feelings to work through. It's also different because one's spouse is one's regular sex partner and having sex wouldn't normally be something totally out of the ordinary.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Weird. Guess I never got that drunk!

It depends on your tolerance level to alcohol. Some have a high tolerance to where they can drink excess amounts and have a clear memory of events, even while drunk to excess. Some cannot.

Even so, high tolerance does not mean that a person is in full control of their faculties. Your 'yes' while drunk to excess would be a definite 'no' when sober and in your right mind. However that was not the case with the OP who was physically and mentally unaware of what was happening to her.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

It's never happened to me, in or out of marriage, but it would have to be different. Experiencing that from someone one had committed to spend one's life with would have to be different, emotionally, from an attack in an alley. There would be a different set of thoughts and feelings to work through. It's also different because one's spouse is one's regular sex partner and having sex wouldn't normally be something totally out of the ordinary.

Yes, with the exception of the fact that our spouses typically don't get drunk to excess and lose control of their physical and mental faculties, thereby resulting in us making a decision to have sex with them unknowingly. Are we in marriage to take advantage or to respect our spouses? And which decision would be more honorable in that situation?