Is the problem me??

[Life2Christ]

I had a major fight with my sister this past weekend. We are not speaking. We live in a multi-family house and my sister lives in the upstairs apartment. Now I have two people in the house I am not speaking to: my father and my sister. My sister once again, in front of my daughter, cursed in front of my daughter and call me a horrible mom. I called her a bully and an evil person. The fight began because I told my sister (for the 50th time) not to kiss my daughter on the lips. I know some people do this with kids but I specifically asked her not to b/c I don't think it is sanitary. Then she went off on me.

My sister has a brain injury and people with brain injuries sometimes (sometimes) are not right in the head. Also she is a pathological liar and has been since we were little. She can tell a lie with a straight face with no compunction.

The fighting makes my daughter cry.

I made a vow that if she confronts me again with viciousness I will remain silent and ignore her so that I don't make my daughter upset.

I don't talk to two members of my immediate family, what role do I play in this? How much of this is my fault? I feel like I'm cutting people out of my life, for my own safety. Not sure if this is good or not.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well in the case of your father, I don't think so, but you have posted before that you do this with other people. How can anything get resolved when the two parties are not speaking? At what point do you start speaking to each other again? And when you do, do you both just act like nothing ever happened?

How old is your daughter? And why are you so against your sister kissing her on the lips? Does she have cooties or something? I don't mean to be snarky but it seems like a trivial thing (to me anyway). Do you consider yourself a germaphobic? Again, I don't mean to be snarky I really do want to answer your question.

And is your sister doing this intentionally (in your opinion) just to rile you? Or is this just how she is? I know you mentioned the brain injury, but does she kiss your mom on the lips? dad?

 

[Life2Christ]

I just find it unsanitary. Plus her boyfriend just had strep throat. Maybe I'm too petty?

 

[blackribbon]

She is your child and you get to make the rules. However, lip to lip is really just skin to skin contact unless somebody is frenching kissing. I haven't read anywhere that it is unsanitary. We are exposed to much worse things by touching them with our hands then touching our mouth through eating or even covering it to cough. I'd pray hard to see if this is really the mountain you want to take a stand on. Only you know if it is worth battling over.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, I let all that type of stuff go. But my body seems to be able to deal with germs really well as I rarely get sick. But I know others around have caught a lot of colds/flues, etc and watch that stuff much closer.

If you think what your doing isn't working for you, Life, then I say think thru and try a different approach.

 

[blackribbon]

I had a major fight with my sister this past weekend. We are not speaking.

My sister once again, in front of my daughter, cursed in front of my daughter and call me a horrible mom. I called her a bully and an evil person. The fight began because I told my sister (for the 50th time) not to kiss my daughter on the lips.

The fighting makes my daughter cry.

I made a vow that if she confronts me again with viciousness I will remain silent and ignore her so that I don't make my daughter upset.

I don't talk to two members of my immediate family, what role do I play in this? How much of this is my fault I feel like I'm cutting people out of my life, for my own safety. Not sure if this is good or not.

The fight started with a kiss. A sign of affection. Your daughter wouldn't have cried if all that happened was the kiss. Since I doubt that your daughter has ever actually gotten sick from a kiss (and what are you going to do when she starts kissing boys), was your daughter's tears worth the fight? It didn't start when you responded to your sister's nasty words..it started when you got upset over something as benign as a kiss.

Since she probably hasn't ever gotten sick from a kiss (full mouth or otherwise), I suspect that this is a battle of power...you are more mad that she doesn't respect your request than actually about the kiss. It also gives you a reason to back up your need for a "safety shield" because you can't trust people to follow your wishes.

Your daughter is getting older. Her immune system isn't compromised. Is your need for "sanitary" more important than your daughter's need to have the people she loves get along?

You only have control over yourself. You can't change your sister...so any change you do has to be focused on yourself.

((hugs))....If I were you, I'd trust my daughter's health to Jesus and work on "loving thy neighbor", even if the neighbor is family. Your life is going to be much easier and healthier with healthy relationships in it. A Christian does not get to build walls around themselves and separate from the rest of the world. We are supposed to be "lamps" that draw people to Christ through the example of our lives.

 

[Life2Christ]

BR:
Yes I agree but I just don't think lip kissing is appropriate for kids. I'm sorry. Yes I'm a ninny. Yes, I'm uptight. Most people can't relate but that is the way I feel and you are correct, I'm more upset that when I tell her not to so something, she defies it.

I ask politely, then I ask a bit more firmly but that is not good enough. The curses come flying out of her mouth and then it escalates. I can confidently say I do not escalate. I ask politely, then I ask more assertively if someone doesn't listen.

My sister is a very volatile person in that she will curse my parents without blinking an eye. But it is excusable (to them) because she has a brain injury and she is not right.

Anyway, I'm just venting. There is nothing that can be done. Maybe the real issue is I fear people. So I stay away from them when they start to get feral.

 

[dayhiker]

I do think when a parent asks someone to treat their children a certain way that that boundary should be respected. If your sister doesn't get that because of her brain injury than I don't see much that can be done. I'd sure not know what could be done.

As for you, Life ... fear of people and your actions and attitude causing others to respond to you in the way they do, that is often part of what happens in our relationships. There are only a 20% (I'm guessing) of people that think thru and say this person did X and my natural response is Y but be be good and loving I'll do Z. So its my contention that if we want people to respond differently we have to start by acting differently with a different attitude. I do this now, sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out a better way to act or respond. This is my choice. First I have to know my own motive and then think thru how to act to communicate the attitude I want others to see. I find this works very well in over 90% of the cases.

SO its your choice Life and it is work I fine. But I love this type of personal work.

 

[Life2Christ]

Good post, Day. This is quite the challenge for me. Maybe I'm too filled with pride. I think all of my issues go back to childhood. Pretty much grew up without a dad, even though he lived in the same house. My sister has always (even before brain surgery) been a bully. Still dealing with these issues but I think I tend to disregard people who are most like my father and sister. I think they have a core of evil....that's the way it feels to me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

As gently as I can, I would like you to pray about changing. It is not normal or natural to push everyone away. I can understand your pushing away your dad, but it seems you do this to everyone. You've mentioned co-workers you suddenly quit talking to because they did something to you.
I can agree that your wishes as a parent should be respected. I get that. And maybe your sister gets a lot of grace because of her brain injury, and maybe that makes it hard to reason with her why you feel the way you do.

But if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten. There is, IMO, a difference of giving grace to others and accepting their behavior. For example, you may not like the fact that your friend is sleeping with their boyfriend, because to you, the bible says we should be married. So you can disagree with your friend in the fact of what you believe, but IMO, you shouldn't shun your friend because they don't believe the same as you. Instead you give them grace because Lord knows we ALL need grace. And the bible talks about the grace you give is the grace you will receive.
Wouldn't it be better for your daughter to see her mother working on being more tolerant than to see you not talking to your sister because she kissed her on the lips? What might your daughter think about that? Might she think that not only is there something wrong with kissing on the lips but maybe something wrong with HER? Also you are teaching her to be like you that whenever someone does something you don't like you should not talk to them. How is this helpful to her in resolving conflicts with people be it boyfriends, teachers, friends, bosses? You are her role model and either she will be like you or she will be the exact opposite which will probably drive you crazy and put tension on your relationship with her as she gets older. I don't think you really want that. Do you?

 

[Life2Christ]

Yeah, all good points Michelle. You do make sense. It is just so hard to sit there (with your child) and be called every F-word in the book. But I guess I have no choice but to sit there and take it. My sister actually tells my 6 year old that I am a bad and crazy mom. She actually says this to a child.

But I probably need more grace than anyone since I don't know how to handle these crazy scenarios. I just cry thinking of all that I have had to endure and will have to endure going forward. I could easily move out but she is still my sister and, in her disability, still needs me.


Maybe I'm looking for perfection and not finding it. This thread has been very helpful to me. I have expectations of having a normal family, I have expectations of a loving household. But I'm not finding it. Its like looking for a spec in a field. I have to play the hand that I'm dealt and not try to buy a new pack of cards to avoid the Joker.

 

[dayhiker]

Life ... thanks for opening up your heart to us and sharing your life. Its clear not much is functioning the way it should around. Its also clear that you have hurts that are very real and very deep. From what you have told us its also clear to me that a few posts from us while I pray they are helpful wouldn't be a quick fix that will make things all right.

I know the the regulars here, including me are honored that you feel you can share your pains with us. I pray our replies will help. I know there will be good advice, an accepting spirit and a place here where you can vent.

In reading your last few posts I get a picture of a very dysfunctional family. We see your side of that, as well as your explain others point of view to help us see how your family works, I get the feeling I don't really get the full picture. This leaves me feeling our posts will have some limits in how helpful they might be. As much hurt as you have you may been help so bad that you would need a live in situation with people to help see a better way to look at life.

Which is the main message I can give. There is a side of the Christian message that we are evil, sinful and have a mouth that speaks hurtful things all day. If we just look at that aspect of the Bible's teaching how hopeless we would be. But there is also a message of how much our Jesus loves us. Its stated in so many ways over and over. That love from God can make so many things better. Even how we hear what other people say. Among so many other good things people have said, I think you need to listen to what others say and then think of the best light you can understand what and give them grave to accept their words as good and not intended to be hurtful.

Anyways keep reaching out to us.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

nice post dayhiker!

 

[Life2Christ]

nice post dayhiker!

Yes nice post. I appreciate your compassion.