Is my heart hardened beyond repair?

Two ideas come quickly to my mind:

1) Have you tried setting aside several days for prayer and fasting (full time, no mundane distractions)?

2) Have you tried seeking the baptism of the Holy Spirit (see this thread) ?

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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Jesus died for the sins of Christians too.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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You need to keep fighting, the crown of life is worth it. Embrace that stress, temptation comes more easily when we feel hurt or in need to escape. Dont hug sin, but the word of God. Tell yourself everyday Im a member of his family. Put yourself in the standard of victory. Most importantly, forgive yourself, there is no longer any condemnation for you, keep the good fight.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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Lord, I pray that You’ll cultivate the ground of Spin's heart, plow up the hard ground and prepare the soil of his heart for Your righteousness. Prepare Spin's heart for what You have for his life. In Jesus' name I lift up this precious son to You, Abba. Amen.
“I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’” (Hosea 10:12 NLT)

Heal Spin, Lord, utterly and completely heal his wounded soul.
“For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’” (Matthew 13:15 ESV)

Lord, there is hope for Spin's hardened heart. He has You as his Heavenly Father; a Father who longs for His children to turn their hearts back toward Him. Lord, your heart is redemption. You are the kind of Father who simply wants to dwell with His beloved children. Dwell with Spin and let him know You are near.

“And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, ‘Abba, Father.’” (Galatians 4:6 NLT)

Father, in You alone can Spin truly know living in Your loving, revealing light, that his heart can begin to come back to life.

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

“The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.” (Psalm 28:7 NLT)

Father, shine Your revealing light into Spin's heart. You are a safe place. Reveal to him the places in his heart that need mending. You do everything out of an unconditional, everlasting love. Let Spin trust that he is safe in Your arms.

“For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.” (Psalm 18:28 ESV)

The word repent means changing one's ways. If you no longer are doing what you have been doing then you have repented. There is a difference though in why repentance takes place in people's lives. Some change out of fear of death or loss to themselves selves such as their marriage. Some for financial gain etc. Then there are those who see God how special he is and how wonderful his ways are and change their ways because they love him and are truly sorry for how they have lived. If you see God in that way then ones past becomes very repulsive.

Hello @Spinningnet, first off, since I see that you are new around here, WELCOME TO CF

I am VERY sorry to hear about your ongoing battle with pornography. It is a wicked thing and is certainly a principle tool that is regularly used by the devil to tempt us

That said, no, your heart is not hardened beyond repair. If it was, you wouldn't have come here looking for an answer to your problem (because you simply wouldn't have cared)!

One thing I noticed in your OP is that you talk a lot about your "feelings". Normally, that's ok, but for us Christians, our feelings can often be at the root of our downfall whenever sin is involved, because what we end up focusing on and believing is our "feelings", IN SPITE of what God tells us/has clearly promised us in the Bible.

Our feelings are also used by Satan (again, especially when sin is involved). He uses them to get us to believe his lies and half-truths, things that are the dead opposite of what God tells us is actually true in His word.

So, first off, I believe that you should make a conscious/intentional effort to stop listening to/believing your feelings and/or Satan, and begin to believe and trust God instead by choosing to take Him at His word ... IN SPITE of your feelings in the moment. For instance, here is something that God has to say to us about sin.

He means what He says here. It's really good news for ALL Christians (and that includes you brother ). Satan will keep trying to tell you otherwise, so you need to make your mind up ahead of time to not believe him when he does

Here is a negative. When you don't listen to/believe God and take Him at His word (because your feelings are telling you that you shouldn't, or that you are unworthy somehow, or that such things are for other Christians, not for you, etc.), you dishonor Him.

Question, has God ever lied to you or given any other reason not to trust Him?

On the other hand, here's a positive. Each and every time you go the other way by taking God at His word, no matter what, you honor, glorify and please Him (and you may be the reason that others end up doing the very same thing because of it .. Matthew 5:16).

So, whenever you are tempted to look at porn, learn to turn your eyes and your mind away from it and take that thought "captive" .. immediately .. then give it over to the Lord to deal with instead .. e.g.
2 Corinthians 10:5.

And if/when you fail to do so again and you think you may have sinned, no worries, just obey 1 John 1:9 and take His promise to you in that verse to the bank (even if it doesn't "feel" like you've been forgiven right away, and/or Satan is trying to convince you that you aren't .. he loves doing that to us, BTW, just in case you haven't noticed ).

There is a pretty cool command with a wonderful promise attached to it that should be of interest to you. The command portion is, "resist the devil", and God's promise to us when we do is this, "and he (Satan) will flee from you" (eventually anyway ) .. James 4:7.

I brought this up because I believe our choice to believe/trust God and to take Him at His very word (no matter what) is the principle way that we obey our half (the command half) of that verse, and the way that we receive the promise that comes with it when we do

Praying for you.

God bless you!

--David

Spinningnet said:

Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible

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This one sentence shows you are not lost, only Christians are concerned about a garden heart towards God.
Reset your anti porn software, or get some and turn back to God, rebuild your habits of Bible reading and prayer.
Find someother activity to deal with stress etc.

God is long suffering and loves you far more than you realise.

As far as the porn addiction goes, you might try imagining that Jesus is sitting there next to you (which He really is, you just can't see Him) the next time it tempts you.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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Jesus came for the sinners not the righteous.

Pop D. said:

As far as the porn addiction goes, you might try imagining that Jesus is sitting there next to you (which He really is, you just can't see Him) the next time it tempts you.

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Good idea!

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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The technicalities are that you right now can repent, for the cross covers a lifetime of sins, it is never too late. We die once, the cross was given for our lifetime of sins.

Heb 9:27-28 And inasmuch as it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this cometh judgment; so Christ also, having been once offered to bear the sins of many ...

However you still need to repent of your sin, i.e. change direction. Jesus said,

Mar 9:47-48 And if thine eye cause thee to stumble, cast it out: it is good for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell; where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

Obviously, he is not talking about purging your physical eyes, but rather purging yourself of the things that cause you to sin.

Jesus gave us a key however to beating temptation, he said:

Mat 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Prayer is the key to strength, as we get serious, and pray more the Holy Spirit gives us strength, spiritual muscles as we pray, that overcomes our fleshly desires. I suggest you daily pray more than you are now, spend time each day in prayer.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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i first posted this in the wrong thread instead of this one...so don't be surprised if you see it in another thread:

Jesus paid the price for all your sins over 2000 years ago, before you were even born; when you received spiritual rebirth, you gained the right to receive forgiveness every time you mess up - but it is up to you to receive. you haven't 'un-reborn yourself and resurrected your 'pre-born-again spirit of unrighteousness (and you don't have that capability), so your eternal salvation is secure - it isn't based on your performance, it's based on Jesus' performance. so simply receive your forgiveness - don't try to add your self-punishment to what Jesus did on the cross; you can't pay for what's already paid for.

this is from another post in another thread, but i think it will help you too:


when you slip up and let your hormones get control, and you immediately go to God and receive forgiveness, He remembers that occurrence of sin no more - He isn't keeping a running tally of how many times you've messed up in this or any other area, so follow His lead and stop that - no matter how many times you slip up and receive forgiveness for it, you're only dealing with what He sees as a single occurrence - the one you haven't yet received forgiveness for. when you keep a running tally of how many times you've messed up, you are magnifying the offense instead of magnifying the unlimited mercy and grace that God has for you as a reborn believer, and you're strengthening that temptation:


(1Co 15:56) The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.


as long as your focus is on the law of performance instead of the law of faith in His Grace, you are strengthening sin and making it harder to resist; so when you mess up, follow Jesse Duplantis' advice: 'admit it, quit it, and forget it (like God forgets it)'.


To God, sin is not the action, it's the heart thinking that produces the action - what we call 'sins' are actually the 'births' of the 'conception' of the one core sin, which is not believing God about something - so focus on what He's done to make you forever clean rather than what you might do to make yourself unclean again. if you go around thinking 'i will not look at porn, i will not look at porn, i will not look at porn...', then your focus is on porn, and what you focus on you magnify in your life.


put some 'road blocks' in between you and porn - set up a parental control that you'll have to take down in order to look at porn - the time it takes you to take down the control will give you extra time to get your hormones under control. if you have to, when you are tempted to look at porn, lock your computer in your car - the time it takes to get it out gives you more time to exercise control.


look for triggers - activities that get your hormones going to begin with, such as a 'sexually-oriented' tv show or a place where 'sexually-oriented fashion' is predominant - and avoid exposure to those triggers. set up Godly activities for the times when you're most likely to be tempted to look at porn, such as reading your Bible or watching a sermon or attending a church service - you can push those thoughts out with God-focused thoughts more esily than you can simply stop thinking about sex when your hormones are raging.

Spinningnet said:

I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him

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This proves your heart is not hardened... period.

As far as your sin, are you trusting in Christ's work to save you or are you trusting in your own work?

If your trusting in Christ's work, and desire to stop this sin because you desire to do God's will, then a solid foundation is there for you to build on.

If your trusting in your own work to save you, then your repentance is wrongly motivated and God wants you to know it's not your work that saves, it's Christ's.

Fast and pray.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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We all sin brother. The Lord wants you to know that you are forgiven and he will never let you go. Salvation is all about what the Lord did for us on the cross not about what we have done or haven't done. Spend time with God and abide in him and his word and you will become more like him but you are never going to be perfect. If you slip up just get back up and start again knowing that God understands our weaknesses.

Spinningnet said:

I am in a sort of crisis regarding my salvation, and was hoping that this forum could offer some Biblical advice.

I have struggled with pornography for over a decade, when I got a laptop to use for high school. Once I graduated high school and started college in 2011, I stopped going with my family to church. My attendance was already flaky to start with. After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months. This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness. My heart grieves, and I do sometimes feel shame for how I have dishonored God. I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation. I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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Do you know why you felt this indifference that you have never felt before ? It is because of your continual sinning that harden your heart. That is why you felt that indifference.

Remember what you have heard:
again he appoints a certain day, "Today," saying through David so long afterward, in the words already quoted, "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts." -Hebrews 4:7

To whom the Holy Spirit calls not to harden their hearts; they are those who sin !

Would God harden your heart and tell you not to harden your heart? It doesn’t make sense.

The Holy Spirit raises His voice that we who are sinners may hear His voice and repent so that we may escape the impending fury of God’s judgement through obeying what our Lord Jesus Christ teach.

You have tried to repent but no avail. Why ? It is because you have not repented in true contrition and wholeheartedly.

Repentance is not just sorry ! Repentance is a change of mindset and a change of lifestyle.
When you set your mind on pornography, you set your mind on the flesh.

This is what we have heard:
For the mind that is set on the flesh is HOSTILE TO God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. -Romans 8:7

Therefore, if you give your mind rooms for pornography, you are making yourself to be God’s enemies! I am not trying to scare you, but that is what it is the meaning of “HOSTILE”.

You want to be cleared more with that, listen to this:
If a man does not repent, God will whet his sword; he has bent and readied his bow; -Psalms 7:12
he has prepared for him his deadly weapons, making his arrows fiery shafts. -Psalms 7:13

It is very clear that God make deadly weapons to those who don’t repent !

Do you know why when you pray, the word seems hollow ? It is because God doesn’t hear ! This is what we have heard:
Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; -Isaiah 59:1
but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. -Isaiah 59:2

If you wonder why part of you truly long or did not long for God or truly you just want to escape the fires of hell, you must understand that the Holy Spirit convicts of your sins; He is asking you whether you long for God or not ?! Also, He is asking whether you really want to escape the fires of hell or not ! He is asking you to make up your mind ! He doesn’t want you to have doubts like wave of the sea that is tossed about by the wind.

If you yearn to be reconciled with God, God has committed us to the message of reconciliation, that is:

that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. -2 Corinthians 5:19

Therefore, be in Christ or be in union with Christ. This is what we have heard:
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. -Romans 8:5
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. -Romans 8:6


When you identify yourself with the Spirit, you set your mind on the things of the Spirit. When you have your mind controlled by the Holy Spirit, then you will be able to lead a godly life and receive godly peace; the life is that is reconciled to God.

Spinningnet said:

After nearly 10 years of having not gone to church, I finally realized my brokenness and found a church home. I repented to God of my porn addiction, and was free of this sin for nearly 10 months.

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So, I'm not clear about whether or not you are a born-again child of God. Are you? What biblical help I might offer to you is useless if you are not a "new creature in Christ."

Spinningnet said:

This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress.

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Why didn't you resort to God instead? Why porn rather than God? Why isn't God your go-to stress reliever?

Spinningnet said:

Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

Now, I just feel indifferent. I do not feel drawn towards this horrible sin, which is good. But I feel an indifference towards God. Indifference as I have never felt before. I know I have spat in God's face by continuing to turn to sin in my weakness.

Click to expand...

You can see, then, the connection between your persistence in sin and your indifference to God. What has happened is exactly what the Bible promises will happen when you willfully turn to sin against the express will of God, the convicting of the Holy Spirit, and the pangs of your own conscience. And the more you do so, the more numb, the more calloused and hardened, you will become both toward God and toward sin.

Sin always comes with a price. When we sow to the flesh, we of the flesh reap corruption. (Galatians 6:7-8) The "wages" of our sin is death of some kind: death of fellowship with God, first of all (Isaiah 59:2), but also death of joy, peace, contentment, relationships, even physical well-being. (Romans 6:23) We always reap more than we sow, later than we sow, and in kind with what we sow. As Scripture puts it, we "sow the wind and reap the whirlwind." (Hosea 8:7) As you're discovering, each choice to sin leads to the next and so on creating a momentum of sinful choices that grows gradually more and more difficult to overcome. What's more, many sins entail a physical component that also increases the difficulty of winning free of them. Depression left unchecked changes brain chemistry, as does anxiety, and obsessive-compulsiveness. Various addictions are this way, too. And sin opens the door to demonic deception and influence, giving ground in one's life to the devil upon which he builds strongholds. There is, then, very good, very important, reason to avoid sin.

Spinningnet said:

I try to repent, but I feel nothing. I try to pray, but the words seem hollow. I am close to tears as I type this, as I fear that I have thrown away my chance at salvation.

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It seems you don't understand salvation. You don't earn your salvation (Ephesians 2:8-9; 2 Timothy 1:9; Titus 3:5) and you don't have the power to undo your salvation. God accepts any of us only because of Christ. It's on the basis of our trust in him and his perfect atoning work for us on the cross that God adopts us into His family. God is always satisfied with Christ and so, when we are placed in him, when we "put on Christ" (Romans 13:14), by faith in him as our Saviour and Lord, God is satisfied with us, too. And since God's acceptance of Christ never changes, His acceptance of those in him never changes, either.

Spinningnet said:

I try to repent, but I no longer feel God's presence as I did before. Part of me wonders if I truly long for God or if I simply wish to escape the fires of hell. Is it possible that God has hardened my heart beyond repair? I yearn for nothing more than to be reconciled with Him, but I fear that is now impossible.

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"Feel God's presence"?

"Feelings come and feelings go,
And feelings are deceiving.
My warrant is the word of God,
Nought else is worth believing."

Do you long for God? Have you tasted and seen that He is good? Do you know and believe the love God has for you? (1 John 4:16-19)

God has not hardened your heart; you have. You are always the author of your own hardening.

You may always be reconciled to God. See 1 John 1:9.

I would highly recommend you read the article at the following link:

Getting The Victory Over Sin.

Spinningnet said:

I wish I could individually thank each of you for your responses. I have read each and every one of them and taken them to heart. I wanted to give an update for anyone who wondered, or for who may be in the same boat as I am. Since I have posted this, I have not only not felt drawn to porn, but have felt repulsed by it. Additionally, I have gone back to reading scripture on a daily basis, and have finished the Psalms, Proverbs, and am working my way through Job. I have also become more disciplined about watching my church's sermons online (I'm high risk for COVID so I avoid crowded places). I have realized that my Heart is not hardened beyond repair, as I feared. Therefore, I see 2 possibilities:

1. That God had turned away from me because of my sin (Isaiah 59:1-2), as Santoso pointed out.
2. My own problems with anxiety and focus on feelings are getting in the way of seeing God's true presence in my life.

In the case of #1, which I fear may be the more likely, this revelation is a recent development, and I am still pleading to God to hear me. But I now realize that He has not forsaken me. Romans 10:13 states that all those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. Someone PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, but the way I see it is this: When I reconcile Romans 10:13 with Isaiah 59:2, then I can rest assured that, through Jesus, God hears me when I cry out for Salvation and Repentance. The only other possibility I can think of is that the Bible is flawed - something we all know is absolutely NOT true.

Furthermore, my research into this whole topic indicates that, as multiple others pointed out in the thread, that if God had forsaken me I would not care. It is perhaps some small mercy, that those who God forsakes do not worry in this life about their irreversible fate.

Finally, the fact that I yearn to see God glorified for His sake rather than mine tells me that my motives are pure and that I am not simply seeking to avoid the fires of hell.

Santoso, I wanted to thank you, for your thought-out and detailed response and rebuke. I will be honest, when I first read it, I despaired. But once I understood you were not trying to tell me I was forever lost, I rejoiced. I still have a long way to go, but it was you who revealed to me Isaiah 59:2, a verse I was not familiar with. Your post led me to some much-needed clarity about my situation. Thank you again.

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Hi Spinningnet, let me encourage you !
have you heard David says this :

For when I KEPT SILENT, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. -Psalms 32:3

For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah ( Pause to reflect ) -Psalms 32:4

When David kept silent or in other words, he didn’t pray, — he felt his life wasted away with groaning all day long ! Don’t we once felt the same way ?

Whose hand was heavy upon David ? It is God’s hand !!

David related his spiritual experience, that is, his strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. In other words, his strength was dried by the heat of God’s wrath.

What did David did then ? What David has done what was right ?

The answer is also in psalms 32.
This is what David has said :

I acknowledged my sin to You, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.Selah ( Pause to reflect ) Psalms 32:5

Right after, David confessed his transgressions—- David trust that God forgives the iniquity of his sin !

How can David trust like that ?
This is what David heard :

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, BUT steadfast love surrounds the one who TRUSTS in the LORD. -Psalms 32:10

David understand this spiritual truth that the one who trust in the steadfast of the Lord will be surrounded by the steadfast love of the Lord !

That is why it is written:
Therefore let EVERYONE who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of GREAT WATERS, they shall not reach him. -Psalms 32:6

Are you doubting yourself whether you are godly ? please understand the spiritual conditions that David was in when David kept silent or didn’t pray ! Compare that to ourselves! We were just like David when we kept silent and didn’t pray !

David, eventually prayed, so we should pray that prayer, too and believe that God forgives the iniquity of our sins.

Then we remember the promise that is written:
surely in the rush of GREAT WATERS, they shall not reach him. -Psalms 32:6

What are these great waters spoken about ?
When I meditate God’s word, I eventually find the answer in the following verse:

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from TROUBLE; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah -Psalms 32:7

I understand that surely in the rush of GREAT WATERS OF TROUBLE, THESE TROUBLES shall not reach me. If these troubles shall not reach David and me, so you can, too.

Why and how these troubles can reach ?
Why ? It is because David and I believe that God is a hiding place for us.

How ? God surrounds us with shouts of deliverance or songs of deliverance; in other words, when I am discouraged, I sing praises or song of worship to God for His faithfulness.

Then this promise is fulfilled:
to grant to those who mourn in Zion' to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified. -Isaiah 61:3

are you not mourning and want to be in God’s presence ? Therefore, wear the garment of praise to God then the evil spirit of despair will flee from you. Why ? It is because you lift up high His name and His name has power over the enemy.

what God have said to David in this spiritual experience or what God answers:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with My eye upon you. -Psalms 32:8
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. -Psalms 32:9
Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD. -Psalms 32:10
Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! -Psalms 32:11

Are you willing that the Holy Spirit instruct you and teach you in the way that you should go ?

Will you allow Holy Spirit to counsel you with His eye upon you ?

If yes, then trust in the steadfast love of the Lord then His steadfast love will surround you.

Keep this counsel of the Lord always in your mind:

I who trust in the steadfast love of the Lord will be surrounded by His steadfast love. Amen

The Lord, Holy Spirit will teach you in the way to go, that is, to be glad in the Lord and to rejoice as you know how the Lord Jesus Christ redeem you and teach you to gain His strength to shout for joy as you learn how the Holy Spirit gives you an upright heart.