Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

SilverAvenger · May 18, 2015

Seriously.........ask her. Invite her for a walk, take her somewhere peacefull and tell her that you've got an uncomfortable question that has been bugging you terribly. Then, ask her. Be plain and honest. She'll understand it easier if you explain to her why you beleave that one should go acording that, most likely.

I'm suggesting this, but think this well though. Maybe she already did it because she was forced to. Or because in her younger years, she was foolish and then realized her ways.

If you trully love her, virginity or not shouldn't matter. God brought you two toguether. It was for a reason.

WhitherWhist · May 18, 2015

OldWiseGuy said:
If she's practicing "abstinence" she's already had sex. You don't abstain from something you've never done.

I don't know who told you that, but you can abstain from things you've never done before, like drugs, alcohol, or anything else. When we refrain from doing something, that's abstinence.

shadowhunter · May 18, 2015

muddleglum said:
...

Both Jesus and Paul were strong on, "The two shall become one flesh." So if someone isn't a virgin, are they still one flesh with someone else? Note that this is no longer in the realm of purity, but of practicality: you don't want to commit adultery...

It is too bad that we equate unmarried sex as simply a step past heavy petting. It is becoming one flesh. If someone had casual sex, then it is likely that their partner has continued having casual sex. They should go and get a casual divorce for the cause of adultery before marrying again. Yes. that sounds stupid. But only because we don't believe what God said about it. That casual sex will always be a point of comparison, and will always weaken the marriage vow.

Many over come it and become faithful spouses, but they had better not tell you they forgot about earlier relationships. <--- That simple sentence brought back to memory for many, their previous relationships.

Andrew1234 · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.[/QUOTEI
It's not wrong, I think it's ideal, I hope you find the one and if it's God's will, that she is a virgin

chris.j.b · May 18, 2015

You're young and idealistic. I get it. But here's wisdom from someone a lot older and wiser than you are. Life isn't perfect, and the sooner you come to terms with that the better. If you find your virgin you're going to for sure find way bigger faults with her than lack of virginity. And if the virgin thing is borne out of some kind of male jealousy thingy, then you will destroy any relationship with that too. What's more, you and her, virgin or not, will do worse things to each other, and will need a big heart to forgive, and starting off from the proposition she must be some kind of perfection is not the right attitude.

On a personal note, I don't get the whole virgin thing. Virgins are really no different to non-virgins. Some have this idealistic theory in our heads about what a virgin is like, but it isn't true. It's just a notion like imagining sweet princesses in castles and so forth. It has nothing to do with day to day reality. If you think a virgin will be somehow more faithful to you because she was your first, don't bet on that. It has about as much validity as other forms of mythology.

malvina · May 18, 2015

I think it is more connected to the Muslim religion than Christianity. Women get murdered for losing their virginity and it's
often caused through rape. Some women are virgins because they are sexually hung up through childhood abuse so who's to know why about that? A man that insists on a virgin for a wife could have a frigid marriage. A person who proudly voices their virginity could be hiding
things from the past and that goes for men too

Domenico · May 18, 2015

razzelflabben said:
My husband and I will have been married 28 years in Aug. I can truthfully say that waiting is the finest gift you can give to your future mate. That being said, let me also point out to you that the newest research is showing that despite the popular belief that sex before marriage is important, the research actually shows that those who wait have a greater chance of avoiding divorce. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is the whole comparison issue, lack of intimate connections, etc.

This isn't quite true - research shows that couples who don't live together before marriage have a lower divorce rate. This is because once you move in together you start having to deal with things like joint finances and it becomes harder to extricate yourself from a not-ideal relationship. And once you're living together you might as well get married because that's just the next step - even if your relationship isn't actually that good.

Of course, there's a high correlation between couples who live together before marriage and couples who have sex together before marriage, but the sex isn't what raises the divorce rate, it's the co-habitation.

Though going strong at 28 years, you and your husband are pretty well meant to be! I hope that you get many more together.

BayouAngel · May 18, 2015

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards for your spouse, especially when said standards are in line with the Word of God. If this is something that is so important to you, you have no choice but to share this with all potential spouses. It's the only logical way to find out if they share your values. You shouldn't compromise on your values just because it's hard. I do believe you need to be very sensitive to the holy spirit in your search though (regardless of what your standards are). You may find that God does lead you to a girl who is not a virgin, but before you go that route, pray for God's guidance.

I always thought I was going to save myself for marriage, and to this day I regret that I did not. It doesn't bother my husband; he had several partners before me. My standards were just different. We are very happily married, and the only thing I wish I could change is not waiting. I'm lucky my husband is understanding when I still cry for what I've done, and that he is willing to discipline me as that brings me some comfort from the shame I feel.

C8-@ · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

Hi Anon77

As a male Christian of 30 years now, who also used to be a testosterone fuelled 19 year old with the same problem, I think I know where you're coming from!

My advice is as others have already suggested on this post ... ask her! She may be glad that you did, it is a subject matter that has to be broached early on in any Christian relationship if it is to mature any further or to enable both of you to move on if that is God's will.

The real question is what if she isn't? Then what?

Whilst it is admirable and right that you should want to marry a virgin and maintain your own chastity until your wedding day (as is God's ideal) are you prepared to forgive the transgressions of her past as God has forgiven yours? This was the question that the Lord asked me when I found out that my wife to be wasn't a virgin? Will you continue to hold fast to your moral high ground and continue to search for 'your virgin' (for who knows how long) when your perfect partner for life might be right there in front of you? I would imagine that if this were the case she is truly sorry, regrets her actions and has already sought God's forgiveness and if He can forgive her then shouldn't you...?

After all if you can forgive such a 'major' transgression beforehand then forgiving all the other things necessary to sustain a healthy marriage after that should be a cinch (and there will be much that requires understanding and forgiveness on both sides believe me). We seem to think as Christians sometimes that there is a hierarchy to sin and that 'sex before marriage' is up there with murder and adultery etc. I'm not so certain of that (others on this forum will no doubt disagree with me and enjoy their attempts to 'theologise' this comment) all I know is that my bible says 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!' and also that '(But) I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.'

This certainly applied to me when I was 19 and any 19 year old male living in this day and age to whom this doesn't apply must be living under a rock! Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not a proponent of sex before marriage (I was a physical virgin before I met my wife) but what about porn before marriage (or even after) what about fantasy/dreams etc. Virginity is not just a physical thing as far as I'm concerned, in fact the physicality of it is perhaps the least important, the emotional and spiritual aspects are far more significant. For me when God forgave and healed my wife for her past she became a 'virgin' again, whiter than white, purer than pure, that's the power of the blood of Christ!

I have no regrets marrying her whatsoever, the sins of her past were no more heinous than those of mine, and had I rejected her based on the fact that she was no longer a 'virgin' I would have missed out on so much that has enriched and blessed my life ever since, least of all to mention a quiver full of sons (4 to be exact). God knows the desires of our hearts and the plans he has for us.

After all Eve was a virgin and look how she worked out? God knew that she would succumb to the temptation of Satan long before He made her from Adam's rib, but He made her and gave her to Adam anyway. Maybe He wants to give you a none virgin, maybe not, just remember, ultimately He knows exactly what He is doing.

I hope that my post is helpful and that you can make the right decision when the time comes! God Bless you and your future wife Anon77.

chihwahli · May 18, 2015

The bible has 2 recorded events:
1) https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+24&version=NIRV
2) http://biblehub.com/hosea/1-2.htm

It seems both ways are ok in God's eyes. Marry a girl who has never had any sex or marry a woman who had sex before.
The most important factor in both events is this:

God said who he should marry....

We man tend to use our eyes more, don't you think God knows the best partner for you?

God speaks not only through the bible. God has all the power and knowledge, etc to communicate to you.
And for sure! The bible is not the only way. The bible has recorded many events like God talking through an animal, Donkey?, talking through an audible voice, dreams, visions, an impression you have, your feelings, your thoughts, etc .

GodBlessed777 · May 18, 2015

chihwahli said:
The bible has 2 recorded events:
1) https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+24&version=NIRV
2) http://biblehub.com/hosea/1-2.htm

It seems both ways are ok in God's eyes. Marry a girl who has never had any sex or marry a woman who had sex before.
The most important factor in both events is this:

God said who he should marry....

We man tend to use our eyes more, don't you think God knows the best partner for you?

This Scripture should not be taken out of context to encourage men to marry promiscuous women or viceversa. There are very clear guidelines in the Bible about marriage and the believer, and none of them specify the Scriptures that you are quoting.

Here is another Scripture that would be more fitting for a believer in general:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus+21:13-14&version=NIV

GodBlessed777 · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

You've made a good choice. Read here: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus+21:13-14&version=NIV

OldWiseGuy · May 18, 2015

WhitherWhist said:
I don't know who told you that, but you can abstain from things you've never done before, like drugs, alcohol, or anything else. When we refrain from doing something, that's abstinence.

I stand corrected.

chihwahli · May 18, 2015

For God only one thing is very important: Love!
By looking at the heart, God knows who has love and who has not.

Love is also one of the things that will be lasting beyond your death, that you will take into eternity.
Our bodies will be renewed as Jesus is back. So what is the value of a virgin man or woman?
It's not the most important.

If you have kept the virgin part, keep it for your spouse and learn how to love as Jesus did.

If you lost it, repend, and continue your life, and work on having a heart full with love. And marry as a person that has
love, and is not focussed on outside looks. (God's way is best, but some people made a wrong choice, that's why repend and keep going with what you have.... )

Both ways are possble , depending on how your situation is already, you cannot change the past.

444chris444 · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

You do not want baggage in a relationship, whether it is emotional baggage, mental or physical. Only a chaste virgin will bond to you properly and be the best choice for life long commitment. Only she will be the best mother and wife that you will be able to ever find.
I cannot ever recommend a man to chose a non virgin over a virgin if what he seeks is a family.
Ask her straight out if she is a virgin, if she is not move on. I understand why it is important to you. The world is so in the church , that is why your friends are calling you a sexist pig, which is liberal man hate speech.
What you should do is focus on the work you as a man have before you and not worry or put much mental effort and time into finding a wife or spouse. A man who is goal driven and is working towards his goals (that God has placed in his heart) will attract the right woman.
DO NOT SETTLE,EVER!
You are the man, woman is to follow you. Do not ever chase a woman. Either she will follow you or she can keep on walking.
Focus on your God given goals and delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

aus22 · May 18, 2015

While the Christian ideal is to have Sex only in Marriage, We are all siners and we should be prepared to accept another who has sin in this way

444chris444 · May 18, 2015

aus22 said:
While the Christian ideal is to have Sex only in Marriage, We are all siners and we should be prepared to accept another who has sin in this way

a man with options can make the best choice possible. And a young man should always strive to make wise decisions. The wise decision is a virgin.

444chris444 · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

In regards to saying, 'you dont want to fall for her.." a young man must, "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. " you must protect your heart and not allow yourself to fall for a woman who is not worthy of your energy and time and resources. I say this unfortunately out of experience. and I seek to save your the pain and anguish I experienced. Had I had someone to tell me what I am telling you now I would not have wasted so much of myself, my time, and my emotional and physical energy.
Trust me brother. Hold out for a virgin. Or listen to Paul, who said it is better to remain as he was. Single. Than to be married. However, he did also say that it is better be married than to burn with lustful desire. Only a man can make this decision for himself, however it is my job to give you advice as a man. This is my advice. Marry a virgin only. Or dont marry at all. You will be better for it.

Susie~Q · May 18, 2015

Hi, I have been reading all your posts and replies. I commend you for wanting to remain "pure" until marriage and for wanting your future bride to be the same. That being said, however, I feel that you are being too hard on the girl. If she was sexually active, but now isn't and is wearing a ring as proof both to herself and our Lord, then, I think she deserves a true chance. Just because she may not be a virgin, does not make her "unworthy". I am sorry, but, you are coming across as judgemental and basically insinuating that any woman that has had sex before meeting you, is unworthy of yourself. Well, sorry, but it is not the case. It almost comes across as you being " I am better than you" the fact that she may or may not be a Virgin, does not guarantee a cheat less marriage, we all hope it will be long and Christ-centered, but, sadly, in this fallen world, divorce happens, almost as much as it does with non-believers.

The sex act is one of the hardest, if not the hardest acts to not give into when dating. Therefore, it is always best to not put you or your gf in a situation where that might happen. We all sin, we slip, that is why the Lord died on the cross, Praise His name, He forgives us, but does expect us to not commit the same sin over and over again.

Anyway, go by how you feel, if having a virgin is an absolute must for you, then stick to your values, but, just know that because someone may have accidently fallen into sin for a minute, they are still probably a very good Christian, struggling daily to live the best they can for our Lord.

nataliemcdonnell · May 18, 2015

Anon77 said:
Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

You know even as Christians we still still sin, even though we try not too. There is not one perfect person on earth. We can strive to be that way, but it's only through Gods grace and mercy that we are saved, not by anything we do or say. Are you saying, you've never committed a sin in your life, sin is sin and God looks at our hearts. What did Jesus say to the woman who committed adultery, who without sin cast the first stone, each accuser left one by one. Jesus said where are your accusers now, Jesus told her he didn't condemn her, but told her to not to sin no more. The sad part about sin, is we do, through anger, judging and our minds are sometimes a devils playground. It's a constant battle not to sin, this is where Gods grace comes in. Are you looking at this precious child of God already with condemning eyes and heart, because if you are my friend then I suggest you go find perfection somewhere else. You will be looking for a life time, but you will not find it on earth. Another point I wish to say is God called the most undesirable characters in the bible to do his will. Moses killed a man, King David committed adultery and the Apostle Paul he persecuted and had Christians killed. God called them to be his children and forgave them. Forgiveness and faith is the key. My life was absolutely in the pit of hell, but though Jesus Christ, he looked into my heart and saw what I could become. Praise God he did. Today I am transformed, a different person, born again and forgiven. Don't judge this girl, love her with a true Christian heart.

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