Is it really so bad?

[JillLars]

I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately, and it seems like lots of people I know are unhappy, lots of people are getting divorced or having terrible problems in their relationships. I have heard that the first couple years of marriage are the hardest and I'm wondering why this is? I'm wondering if those of you who lived together beforehand had a hard time after you were married? My fiance and I live together and to be completely honest I can't remember the last time we had a fight, we obviously had some problems when we moved in together because its difficult to get used to each others personalities, but everything is working great now, and I don't see any reason for things to get worse, and sometimes I wonder if we're strange or something because our relationship isn't riddled with problems. I don't really see us suddenly starting to fight and not get along well after we have our wedding in a couple years, but maybe that's what happens I don't even know if this makes any sense, any comments are appreciated, thanks!

 

[charligirl]

I have some thoughts on the subject. I think in many cases people enter into marriage with unrealistic expectations of what it will be like and what they will 'get out of it'.

Others are young and inexperienced and have not talked through all the important issues and settled things before they go down the aisle and then realise after the honeymoon has worn off that they disagree on some fundamentals.

Also when christians get married they cut covenant with each other and become a formidable team, something happens in the spirit when 2 become 1 before God and the enemy doesn't like that. In fact I know from ex-occultists that christian marriages are actually listed as something to pray against in some satanic circles. SO there is spiritual attack as well.

 

[blitzn]

Sorry, but since you mentioned it, I have to ask...you're Christian and living with your boyfriend/fiancee before you're married to him? This is my opinion based on God's Word, but that's a very bad idea for many reasons. Temptations, "appearance" of sin to others, etc. I'm sure you've thought about it, what do you think?...

As far as your post, I agree with charligirl. Things change especially in the Spirit. I know this first hand as my marriage is very close to being over, and not by my choice. There is a spiritual battle that rages, those who don't believe it or don't care are deceived and prime targets for Satan.

- blitzn

 

[Evening Mist]

Hey Jill. For us, the gruelling hard times came hand in hand with big changes or huge challenges. For whater reason, it seems like we were assaulted with most of those changes and challenges in the first couple of years. Or maybe, we have just become better at coping with challenge since then. But for example, things were very hard after our first baby - and we began to disscuss childrearing. Things were very hard between us when I went through a period of severe depression. The first couple times one of us experienced job changes were hard - when I decided to stay home, when he switched jobs and began commuting long hours, etc.

I'm not sure how living together first would have alleviated these stresses, unless we had also had children and begun sharing finances while living together.

 

[thekawasakikid]

I think the first x number of years can be difficult... but of course they're also great too! The difficulty I think is because you are with someone 24/7 (ok, maybe not quite, but you get the picture) whereas previously (although not in your case, Jill ) you maybe only saw each other, at most, a few times a week for dates and stuff.

Suddenly, things like me leaving my boxers on the bedroom floor are a 'grievance' or a flashpoint for my wife and similarly that she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle, that kind of thing. Your spouse loses that romantic perfection simply because you see them with no make-up first thing in the morning, etc.

I think it's a bit or readjustment that takes place, that's why it seems 'difficult'. In today's MTV, fast-food society, people are all too prepared to divorce nowadays as soon as tackle a problem or issue...

That's what I think although I appreciated Charli's points too

 

[karla]

Marriage has its ups and downs. I know that for me the first year was the hardest, so far. But I base that on the fact that we moved away from all our family nad friends and I had just graduated college and was looking for a teaching postion, while my husband had already been out here, working, and making friends. Once I started to get use to my new surroundings, made some friends, and started subbing. Things got better. At first you are getting use to eachother and I believe things are different when you are married vs. living together. There is much more at stake. I also agree that a lot of people enter into marriage with unrealistic expectations. If his table manners bother you before you marry, he's not going to change them after you marry. The focus is too much on the wedding and not the marriage. We dream of the perfect wedding day and plan for it by researching, comparing, trying to everything just right, but we put little, if any, thought into what the next 50+ is going to be like. Marriage isn't meant to be easy, but on the other hand it isn't a living hell either. You take the good with the bad and as long as the two of you walk hand in hand with the Lord then there is no problem that can't be resolved.

 

[JillLars]

Thanks so much for all of the advice you guys! Josh and I struggled a lot with each others habits when we moved in together, I am a slob, and he is neat, but I've gotten better at cleaning things up and he's gotten better at giving me time to get to things We have had some hard times and have made it through, that's the main reason I knew he was the one because when we fought, breaking up was not ever mentioned, we would just work it out. I agree that a lot can change in the spiritual sense, so we will have to watch for that. I know that we will have some stressful events coming up like getting into the workforce (karla, I will have my teaching license in 2 years and will have to start looking for a job), buying a house, and planning on having children. We are still going to go through pre-marital counseling because we are young and don't know everything So, it will be good to learn from another Christian couple at our church. Thanks so much guys!

 

[Squall2811]

Hi guys I'm not married yet but I truly believe that

God has sent me my future wife in the form of my

best friend. I look at her and see my help mate and

also God's daughter. I've read some of the posts and

think things need to be discussed with your significant

others. After those discussions you must pray,

sometimes I feel that singles and even couples forget

that God is the Captian of their lives and that we

should ask for direction in each and every decision

that is made. God loves and honors marriage and

expects us (referring to the men) to love our wives

as Christ loves the Church. The Devil hates marriage

and what it represents. He will do anything to try and

break it up, so those who are going through tough

times just get on your faces before the Lord and seek

Him in your time of need. You should seek Him when

things aren't even bad. Sometimes you just have

to rejoice and give God glory for what he has done

and is doing even though at the moment things are at

their worst. Your deliverance can be locked up in your

Praise and Worship. Remember that God is not glorified

in divorce He's gloried in your steadfastness. Just

think if you stick to it God will bring you through and

you will have and awesome testimony of how God

kept you. You will be a blessing to others who are

having the same problem. I hope this helps in anyway

 

[Godzman]

people who live together are more often to get divorces when they get married, but that is not always the case of course

 

[blitzn]

Hi guys I'm not married yet but I truly believe that God has sent me my future wife in the form of my best friend. I look at her and see my help mate and also God's daughter. I've read some of the posts and
think things need to be discussed with your significant others. After those discussions you must pray, sometimes I feel that singles and even couples forget that God is the Captian of their lives and that we should ask for direction in each and every decision that is made. God loves and honors marriage and expects us (referring to the men) to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. The Devil hates marriage and what it represents. He will do anything to try and break it up, so those who are going through tough
times just get on your faces before the Lord and seek Him in your time of need. You should seek Him when things aren't even bad. Sometimes you just have to rejoice and give God glory for what he has done and is doing even though at the moment things are at their worst. Your deliverance can be locked up in your Praise and Worship. Remember that God is not glorified
in divorce He's gloried in your steadfastness. Just think if you stick to it God will bring you through and you will have and awesome testimony of how God kept you. You will be a blessing to others who are having the same problem. I hope this helps in anyway

Good word bro; I very much agree. - blitzn

 

[HeatherJay]

Jill, our next anniversary we'll have been married for 7 years. We been through some rough times and come VERY close to divorce. I think the problem is not that marriage is so horrible (it's not, it's great) but that divorce is too easy. So many people go into marriage saying in the back of their minds, "If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce." If you have that attitude then you're destined to fail.

I have to use a Dr. Phil-ism here...FALLING in love and BEING in love are two different things. Falling is full of butterflies and romance and all night talks...being in love is something different. Not that you can't still feel passionate about each other...but things become normal and mundane.

I think the key is to never forget the things that make him smile (or he you). If he loves it when you make him chocolate chip cookies, keep doing that. If he loves it when you wear sexy lingerie, keep doing that. Especially after you have kids, it gets harder and harder to work on the bond between the two of you...but it's so important to spend time continuously working on your relationship.

I think it boils down to some people going into marriage thinking that once you get married the work is over...but, really, the work has just started.

I love my husband all the more for the struggles we've overcome. Let the hardships strengthen your relationship instead of creating distance.

Love, Heather

 

[ceres]

heather I really enjoyed reading that

 

[Living4Him03]

define helpmate

 

[coastie]

My marraige has been great. It's not easy, and it's not always fun, but if you are willign to put in the time effort and center your relaitonship on Jesus, you'll be fine.

I once heard the story to follow:

A woman goes to a divorce lawyer about her husband...

"My husband and I don't get a long anymore, I don't love him. He never considers my feelings. He never does anything spontaneous. I cant' even remember the last time he did soemthing romantic or said that he loved me and really meant it. I want OUT!"

the lawyer said, "I'll get the paper work ready. If you really want your husband to see what he's lost, wait a month before you tell him."

"Be the nicest you've ever been to him. Be romantic, spontaneous and shower him with love. That way when you hand him the papers, he will truly understand what he messed up."

So she did just that.

A month later the lawyer called her at home and asked if she had sprung the news on him.

"Heavens NO!" she said, "He is the most wonderful man whoever lived. When I started being so nice and romantic, he started to do the same. You saved our marraige. Thank you!"

The moral of the story is that, you only get what you give. That goes for both the husband and the wife.

 

[JillLars]

Thanks for the great advice heatherjay and coastie! I totally understand how things switch from falling in love to being in love, things are a lot more mundane for us right now because we do the same thing every day, work (overnight), sleep during the day, go to class in the evening, and go back to work again. I always try to do nice things for Josh, I baked him chocolate chip cookie bars today. He does sweet things for me too like make me lunch for work because I tend to wake up too late to make myself one. He takes really good care of me, and I take good care of him. I think that I look at my parents relationship (they just divorced last april) and look at what they did wrong and how they let their problems build for 20 years, and by the time they decided to try and fix things it was far too late. I think that has motivated me a lot to not let problems go unnoticed, and not to let things build. Thanks so much for the advice everyone!

 

[suzie]

define helpmate

The Bible states God designed woman as "a helper suitable for him (man)"
A helper suitable in Hebrew is 'ezer k neged. This word 'ezer in Hebrew denotes a more capable, more powerful, more intelligent ally. It is the very same word used throughout the OT used when speaking about God. The one who helps is the one who has something to offer the one who needs help.

The second word, k neged shows just what kind of partner God gave to Adam. This Hebrew word means "equal". God gave man a helper that was corresponding to him. Someone to serve with him.

That certainly reads quite differently than what some interpret these passages to mean. However, God gave man and woman to each other--to lead, love, and serve together as one.

 

[desi]

The first few years can be hard. At times you may even hate each other. When this happens many people get divorced and learn nothing. By sticking through such hopeless times the relationship evolves to being real family where you've been through alot together to the point there is no going back. There is a deeper love like the kind between siblings but not platonic, its hard to explain. Its the kind of love that would drive me to fury, as opposed to grief, if my wife left and rage if someone harmed her.

 

[Mrs K 2004]

Coasties Post was Wonderful!!

During the past few months (while I've been planning my wedding) I've gotten a lot of advice for the first few years, and I will share the best peices with you!

~Don't give up, almost everything can be worked through

~Spend at least 30 minutes a day of "together time" don't take each other for granted!

~Keep little things up! (Love notes, surprise flowers, loving messages on the answering machine)

~Find a Hobby together (Learn something from scratch TOGETHER!)

These are things that people who have recently (and not so recently) been married have told me to take into consideration to make the first years better

 

[Flipper]

You have to have a certain amount of maturity going into a marriage. I see so many 20 year olds who are married and I think back to when I was 20 and know that I wasn't mature enough. I'm not saying that the 20 year olds here are not - but I know some 20 year olds who got married who were not.

Other than what everyone has said, the one thing I can add is to not bad mouth your spouse to your friends. What I mean by that is that I might share something that hubby did that irritated me at that moment in the context of the conversation, but I never, ever, ever, say to my friends or co-workers that my husband is this or my husband is that, unless it is something very nice and complementary (the exception to that would be if your spouse is beating you up or something criminal that needs to be said so you can get help). It's the people who bash their spouses at the watercooler who seem to be having the serious problems in their marriage.

 

[Yitzchak]

There are different seasons of marriage. Sometimes there are few problems in one season but many struggles in other seasons. One of the core issues is how people handle change. Often times when there is a major change such as having and raising children, then the dynamics of the relationship change. other times it is financial pressure or illness of one of the partners. It is impossible to avoid change. Not only are there changes in your situation which bring new challanges but persons need to grow. Many of the conflicts in marriage come from one partner changing and the other partner having a difficult time adjusting.
The first few years are not always the difficult years of a marriage. In my opinion, the transitions involving children and illness can be the most difficult to manage. But the most difficult I think is just plain growth. A couple needs to grow together. The fights when one partner is comfortable with the way things are versus the other partner wanting radical change can be espeacially emotional. Think of how it felt when your relationship with your parents changed as you grew. What worked at age 5 is awful to you when you are 15 or 18. We don't stop growing at age 18 though. One of the problems is that the growth in adulthood is often spiritual, emotional, psychological as opposed to the more obvious changes earlier in life.
I was told when I was 20 years old by an older person that I would be surprised how my attitudes and thinking would change in just ten years. I have found this to be an understatement.
A couple needs a firm foundation to get them through these transition times of growing together and facing new challanges. This is why a strong relationship with the Lord and an absolute committment to the marriage vows is essential. Otherwise , a person runs the risk of their spouse changing and deciding their life needs to go in a different direction which tears them apart. In my observation, this unfortunately most often happens after children have been born into the union.
I hope the Lord blesses your relationship with smooth sailing the whole way. But most of all I pray that you are with the one the Lord has for you for life. Your soulmate. Testing out how you get along at age 20 is a poor predictor of how you may get along at 40 with a whole new set of responsibilities.