Is it Pure OCD Scrupulosity? Or am I doomed?

[jcguess78]

Hello everyone. I have read a lot about Pure OCD an Scrupulosity and believe I have these. I am currently seeing a mental health therapist. He hasn’t officially diagnosed me yet but he talks to me like he believes I suffer from this. I trusted and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior back in my early childhood. Then one day when I read a passage in the Gospel of Matthew about how the Pharisees accused Jesus of casting out demons by the power of demons I immediately had the same terrible thought about Jesus that they had and quickly asked The Lord to forgive me for it and from then on I have feared and obsessed over whether I have committed the unpardonable sin. Many times I find myself needing to say that Jesus cast out demons by the power of the Holy Spirit in order to relieve the anxiety and depression and prove to myself that I don't believe the way the Pharisees did. Now I'm afraid that if I were to see a miracle of God I would attribute it to the devil even though I wouldn't want to. It's almost like an overwhelming impulse that I can't control. It feels like I want to or have to do something completely destructive to myself and others even though I don't want to do any of those things. Like an aphobia. I remember the first time I felt the searing anxiety that thought gave me. It’s been about 12 years ago since that day and frequently I still deal with blasphemous thoughts that cause great anxiety and immense depression. It makes me believe I can’t love my Lord and that He can’t forgive and accept me. I have scoured the web, family and friends for constant reassurance. I guess that’s my compulsive ritual that gives temporary relief. I also have had fears of being a serial killer, pedophile, rapist, or other terrible things that I have never done nor want to do but feel the need to seek reassurance that I’m not any of those things. I have struggled with the relationship form of it as well. I have often thought about taking my own life because I have seen myself as just a curse to everyone especially my wife and 2 year old daughter. I feel so depressed and despairing a lot of the time even though I force myself to go to work and church and do family things. Recently I have avoided Bible study except for a verse a day app on my phone. I just feel beyond spiritual hope and don’t want to have blasphemous thoughts and such. I guess what I’m wondering is does it sound like I have OCD in the Pure O Scrupe? Maybe it would help me if I knew that is what I suffer. Sorry for long post. Thanks.

 

[jcguess78]

Please I need someone to talk to. I'm desperate!

 

[blking74]

I know where you are coming from. I can just say we have to go forward. Ive just started reading and praying again after suffering the same circumstances and I don't know what is going to happen. When Israel was before the Red Sea and it looked like there was no hope, our Father said "Tell the children of Israel to Go Forward."

I will pray for all us tonight.

Brian

 

[blking74]

By the way I don't think we are doomed. I think we love Jesus but it is really hard when we have those thoughts and they cause us to doubt. It caused me to try to abandon God. I say ''try'' because I found it impossible to do. I will always love Him and always try.

I'm on disability and suffer delusions when I try too hard. I always wonder why God is dealing with me in this manner. I don't know. Put your mind at ease. I think we have an advocate.

Me.

 

[SURRENDER01]

I cannot say that I have had a similar experience to yours, but I could not get over something for the longest time. It was guilt issues from past sins. Even though I knew I was forgiven, I let guilt keep me from enjoying a beautiful relationship with God...to its fullest. I did not feel worthy of Gods love and forgiveness, whereas, I lead a life astray from Him for awhile. One quite displeasing to God we'll say. But never feel He does not love you or will forgive you for your thoughts. He forgives us for all when we ask. He pardons our thoughts, words and deeds. I will pray for you. Pray/talk to God daily, whereas, I know you probably do. Lastly, He knows your heart and the pain that you feel for offending Him.

 

[jcguess78]

Deep down I do believe God will forgive all who come to Him by His Son Jesus Christ. And yes I do talk to The Lord often and have called on Him for firgiveness according to what He did for me on the cross and His resurrection. So I take comfort in your comments and truth you spoke. This OCD Thought stuff is monstrous. I am becoming aware that I am not the only one who has suffered and struggled with this. Grantley Morris's Scrupulosity web pages have helped and this forum. God's grace to all. Thank you so much.

 

[SURRENDER01]

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you are able to overcome this soon.

 

[jcguess78]

For some reason I posted the words "thanks for comments she's a real cutie" in my last post. I just deleted that off that last post. I apologize for that. Those words were supposed to have posted on my Facebook page about my daughter. I hope I didn't offend. Sorry again. And thanks again for your encouragement to me. The Lord bless.

 

[SURRENDER01]

I did not take it wrong. What is important is that you work through this. And I believe you will. I had OCD where I counted in my younger years. When stressed I would have to do things in 3's. Don't ask ..lol When I realized what was going on I controlled it. I stopped around 23. I started with it as a teen after loosing both my parents. One to prostate cancer...the other to triple-bypass surgery. I found out when my thoughts got too stressful that was when the counting came in as a stress relief...that is how I was told. I would have to touch a light switch three times before moving on from it or wash my hands three times. Or check a stove or blow-dryer "over". I just had so much grief and that caused me stress. I was also a victim of a violet attack and had to deal with the emotional pain of it. A lot went on with me younger. Today I am 44 and a mom all over again with my 6 year old son. Life is good today..I feel God did wonders with me. I was bitter for a long time and was not who I am today. If I think someone is struggling my heart really goes out to them, especially if it has to do with thoughts, guilt, sadness/grief, spiritual matters, or physically suffering. You touched my heart with what you are going through and I will be praying for you

 

[lyndseyb]

Hi,
I'm new here too.
I have decided to post my own story here in the hope that it will help you.

In February this year, I thought I was dying. I felt worse than I'd ever felt in my life so I turned to god for help. I hadn't been a christian before this and I think I came very, very close to hardening my heart. I sometimes wonder if this illness happened so I would draw closer to god before it was too late.

Anyway, the illness gradually improved and I started to read the bible more. I too came across that same passage and thus began my OCD hell.
I immediately heard intrusive voices in my head saying evil things. I too then became convinced I'd committed the unforgivable sin. The voices got worse and the things they began saying became even more vile. I was scared to sleep and made myself stay up one night chanting scripture under my breath. After about 4 or 5 days of this hell, I began to weaken. I'm ashamed to say that the thoughts began to feel less intrusive and more like something I was doing myself now. I didn't want the thoughts in my head. I didn't enjoy having them there one bit but I couldn't stop them. And even if I did stop them, I found myself revisiting them anyway. One thought was so vile that I guarantee it was worse than anything you probably thought towards god, and yet for some reason I was purposely adding words to this thought. Making it more and more disgusting and vile.
If you asked me why I was doing that, I have no idea! I wasn't enjoying doing it. I haven't thought such vile thought about anyone before (and that includes even before I came a christian and was not a nice person) so why would I direct them towards god?
Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of bizarre self punishment I put on myself? Like when I was younger and I became obsessed with tearing chunks of hair out and running my tongue continually over a jagged tooth until it hurt.

I went from having panic attacks about the thoughts to just feeling empty and hollow. I thought at the time the emptiness was a sign that god had given up on me but now I realise that it was a defence mechanism.
So I came very close to giving up and just accepting that I was a horrible person and I could never be forgiven.
However, something made me realise that I should never do that. I wanted to show god that I was trying and that if I really thought such vile disgusting thoughts about him then I wouldn't still be praying, seeking to be close to him or even bothering to look online for help.

I still have these thoughts but they no longer have such a control over me. I couldn't tell you why that is. I just came to the realisation one day that I believe horrible thoughts are not enough to separate us from god, because the mind is a very complex and strange thing and it doesn't always think what we want it to - especially for those of us with mental illnesses.
There is also a big difference between thinking these things and going out and purposefully broadcasting them with intent, which is far worse in my opinion.
Consider for example those who have thoughts about children (and unfortunately my OCD has targeted children too). They are disgusted by the thoughts. They would never, ever go out and act upon them. A thought in the mind does not always reflect a persons true nature, especially when it comes to the minds of us with mental health issues.

I am still going through hell with OCD but currently it's contamination OCD and obsessive worries about poisoning myself that is making life difficult for me.
I have prayed for you and myself and all the other people afflicted with this condition.

I hope that by reading my story you will realise you are not alone in this. You can always PM me if you need to talk.

 

[lyndseyb]

I guess what I’m wondering is does it sound like I have OCD in the Pure O Scrupe? Maybe it would help me if I knew that is what I suffer. Sorry for long post. Thanks.

In regards to your question, it sounds like 'Pure O'/Scrup to me.
I am no professional but I researched these conditions whilst going through my own troubles and your symptoms seem to fit.

My scrupulosity mainly fell in the 'pure O' end of the spectrum because it didn't make me carry out any rituals.
Whereas the contamination OCD that I am currently suffering with comes complete with obsessive washing rituals etc.

I am waiting for a CBT appointment at the minute. I pray god will work through the health professionals to help me, however unfortunately the waiting list can be as long as 12 weeks on the NHS!

 

[jcguess78]

Yes I have officially been diagnosed with Pure OCD and Scrupulosity. I do the counting thing and patterns with my fingers and sometimes eyes when I close them. It's weird. Also the reassurance seeking online and with loved ones and spiritual leaders is another of my big compulsions. I also learned that the Purely Obsessional form of OCD attaches itself to what you love most which in my case as well as others like yourselves is God and loved ones. I am realizing that The Lord understands this and has given us sufficient grace for this also. Even though it is still difficult and scary I am beginning to feel God's peace again. I know I still have a long way to go. We all do in this Christian journey. By the way welcome to the family of God lynsdeyb. Praying for you too. Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am memorizing 2 Corinthinians 1:3-4. And hoping The Lord will use me in other peoples lives for His glory and their comfort.

 

[jcguess78]

Thank for your comments lynsdeyb. It is comforting to know we are not alone in this. And our Lord has a good purpose He is working for those who love Him. I will pray you get your appt soon. I know it will help you. My mental health therapist who is a Christian has all ready helped me. And wife has been such great support too. Prayers that you will also find great support. Ttyl.

 

[lyndseyb]

Thank for your comments lynsdeyb. It is comforting to know we are not alone in this. And our Lord has a good purpose He is working for those who love Him. I will pray you get your appt soon. I know it will help you. My mental health therapist who is a Christian has all ready helped me. And wife has been such great support too. Prayers that you will also find great support. Ttyl.

Thank you!
When I first started suffering with Scrupulosity I read just about every article about this and the unforgivable sin that I could find. Even though I was never 100% convinced of my forgiveness, it did help To know others - so many others - had gone through the same thing. I felt less alone and more hopeful.

However, it wasn't any amount of obsessive reading or reassurance seeking that cured me. For some reason, I just came to the realisation one day that these thoughts couldn't separate me from god and so my OCD realised it couldn't torment me with these thoughts anymore and moved on to it's new subject of obsession (chemicals, contamination, illness etc).
The Scrupulosity still rears it's ugly head occasionally but I just tell myself now to ignore it. I know that god knows the real me and the vile things I think in my mind are not who I am. They are the workings of my illness and a mind that has a tendency towards anxiety, obsession and torment.
Also if these were my true thoughts (and yours) they would have manifested themselves before now, not just upon reading a certain passage.
Once accepted this makes it easier to move past it.

Thank you for welcoming me and I'm glad you are beginning to feel peace again. This illness is terrible and it saddens me to see so many people suffering the same thing. If I can help someone by sharing my experiences then at least I've achieved something positive out of this.

 

[jcguess78]

Amen. The Lord is so much more loving and gracious than we realize. And you and others have been such a great comfort to me all ready. May The Lord continue to use us to help others in need.

 

[blking74]

Let's all hang in there together, jc and lyndsey. I had a rough one today but i gotta make it through the weekend and i should be fine monday. i go to secular therapy, i still dont have what it takes to go back to church. im still mad at church, i think the one i went to contributed to my bad thoughts. very legalistic and i feel swindled. i dont know what type of church to go to now so i just dont go. im in bad shape but better now that ive found this site. i cant see me talking to a pastor about my problem. who knows what they'll say?
some dont believe in medicine, some do. im in mississippi so its very very strict and conservative down here.

any advice would be welcome, for now this is my only communication with other believers.

brian

 

[jcguess78]

Hello blking. I go to a conservative Baptist church and told my Pastor everything I have told on this forum. And he has not judged me or rejected me. He understands the best he can and is doing some counseling with me. So going to my Christian Psychologist and going to my Pastor has really helped more than I can say even in the past few days. I would encourage you to pray that The Lord lead you to the right church and He will. Don't give up. I and others are praying for you.

 

[jcguess78]

By the way I'm in Oklahoma. So I get what you mean by conservative blking74. God will help you find the right church. And you will find other people who understand right where you live.