Is it okay to

[Adrianna91]

 

[Melethiel]

Yes.

 

[Luther073082]

Probably not a good idea to just jump right into that right away. But if you are courting and seriously considering marriage with this person and/or engaged to that person then its actually very important to talk about sex.

You want to know ahead of time what your spouse is going to be into and things they are opposed to doing.

If you don't you could end up in a relationship where one person thinks they are going to be trying sex in 132 different positions while the other thinks that sex should only be done in one position.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Yes, it's helpful and necessary if you have gotten to know one another well and are considering marriage.

 

[explodingboy]

it;s useful to have a rough idea, but otherwise nope.

 

[Johnnz]

Of course. Why wouldn't you consider talking about a very important part of married life?

John
NZ

 

[iambren]

Not initially. That talk overly sexualizes the tone of the relationship and may open the door to sexual involvement prematurely.

As soon as you are at the point of seriously considering marriage it would be wrong NOT to talk about sex--attitudes, expectations, general desire level.

 

[citizenthom]

Attitudes, yes; specifics, no. The key is to make sure both people 1.) understand that it is a vital, central part of a Christian marriage, 2.) it is a duty both spouses owe the other, and 3.) nothing is sinful within the marriage bed, but mutual respect is critical.

 

[ParentofChildren]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Yes. Probably a high-level conversation as you become exclusive. Convictions, boundaries. If it comes up go with it gently but consider it vital and something your partner will think on. As you discus engagement it is a must. If you are a virgin get a book, “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman, or speak to a mentor counselor. If you are not, be honest, and consult some authority. Your previous experience may affect needs or expectations. It is an important part of married life, and Gods plan. It is worth every second.[/FONT]

 

[flippin4christ]

In the beginning of my fiance and my relationship we did not talk about sex at all. We believed it would tempt us too much to take it farther. Now that we are close to marriage we talk about sex frequently as our relationship has grown over the years and are not tempted by the same things we were back when we started dating.

 

[highlife]

It is critial to talk about it (and be extremely detailed and specific about it) as early as possible in the relationship. The 3 main things people get divorced over are sex, kids and money so its the top 3, you want to make sure thoes top 3 things are squared away before you start investing tons of time.

I met my wife on line and we talked about specific sex acts before we even met, you certianly dont want to spend 2 months, 6 months or whatever and invest in a ring and all that and find out she wont perform OS or some other sex act.

 

[Tiredknight]

It is critial to talk about it (and be extremely detailed and specific about it) as early as possible in the relationship. The 3 main things people get divorced over are sex, kids and money so its the top 3, you want to make sure thoes top 3 things are squared away before you start investing tons of time.

I met my wife on line and we talked about specific sex acts before we even met, you certianly dont want to spend 2 months, 6 months or whatever and invest in a ring and all that and find out she wont perform OS or some other sex act.

I think this might be a bit much...

For me, the girl I seeing (She is not my girlfriend, we are getting to that point but taking things in do course) we both know we are virgins. That is good enough for us at this moment. It might be a bit awkward. and such. it could also pull our minds to places we don't want to go yet.

How I feel about talking about sex is this. I am completely comfortable with it. I am completely excit4ed about it all, but it has its place and two people getting to know each other with out any kind of commitment to each other have no business talking about that stuff.

I think it is totally acceptable for a couple who is serious to discuss that in depth if they want to but as I said, it has its place. I as a man want to cherish and honor my future wife and I need to know how feels about things before we just jump into the sack on that night. I don't want to offend or have any unreal expectations of her. I also do want her to have that of me. She deserves to know what is going in my mind and what I am expecting on that night just as she does of me. But in due time.

OP, take your time. It is worth it. get to know the guy, If there is commitment there be careful. Do not however take lightly the subject of sex, it is sacred and Holy, God says so. But also do not be afraid of it as most Christians are (NOT ALL, BUT A LOT!) It is supposed to be a beautiful and wonderful thing shared between husband and wife. Husbands and wives are supposed to enjoy each other's gifts and the like. But be careful do not mock it or take it for granted. Do not tempt it or arouse it when it is not time. Men and women are built for each other and once you start down the road it is very hard to stop.


*two cents inputed... My work is down*

 

[citizenthom]

I met my wife on line and we talked about specific sex acts before we even met, you certianly dont want to spend 2 months, 6 months or whatever and invest in a ring and all that and find out she wont perform OS or some other sex act.

See, this is why it's not a good idea to talk about it before marriage. Of course a virgin woman who has never even seen a penis and only knows their biological function isn't going to be all that open to putting one in her mouth. That's one of those things that can take months or even years for a woman to get comfortable with. And she does not get comfortable with it by pressuring her about it--especially not by casting it as a "deal-breaker" for an engagement. The comfort comes from growing in her fire and passion for her husband, so that material matters become less and less important. The same goes for husbands (and these days in particular, men have more hangups about oral sex than women do).

This is why your discussions about sex need to focus on attitudes and not mechanics. If she has already decided, sight unseen, that she won't do X, Y, or Z, that's an attitude problem that needs to be addressed. If she has a past history of X, Y, or Z being used against her abusively, or if she has guilt over specific premarital acts, again, that needs to be addressed before any marriage takes place.

And if you think you need X, Y, or Z to be happy in the marriage bed, that is an attitude problem that needs to be addressed. If you cannot approach the marriage bed with patience toward your new bride and a loving attitude toward her sexual learning process, that's a serious problem.

 

[highlife]

See, this is why it's not a good idea to talk about it before marriage. Of course a virgin woman who has never even seen a penis and only knows their biological function isn't going to be all that open to putting one in her mouth. That's one of those things that can take months or even years for a woman to get comfortable with. And she does not get comfortable with it by pressuring her about it--especially not by casting it as a "deal-breaker" for an engagement. The comfort comes from growing in her fire and passion for her husband, so that material matters become less and less important. The same goes for husbands (and these days in particular, men have more hangups about oral sex than women do).

And if OS is important for a woman then she needs to be upfront with her date about thoes things so she is not wasting her time or his time. Why does this have to be a taboo subject not to be discussed until its too late or have the problems mushroom into a divorce because you failed to ask the right questions in the beginning.

This is why your discussions about sex need to focus on attitudes and not mechanics. If she has already decided, sight unseen, that she won't do X, Y, or Z, that's an attitude problem that needs to be addressed. If she has a past history of X, Y, or Z being used against her abusively, or if she has guilt over specific premarital acts, again, that needs to be addressed before any marriage takes place.

And if you think you need X, Y, or Z to be happy in the marriage bed, that is an attitude problem that needs to be addressed. If you cannot approach the marriage bed with patience toward your new bride and a loving attitude toward her sexual learning process, that's a serious problem.

Its actually not a serious problem, you meet someone ask them if they are willing to do this or that when the time comes and if not you move on, its not my job to be their therapist, I was looking for a healthy relationship not a job as a shrink and thats what I got. In my first marriage that ended in divorce I did not ask the right questions and it did not end well.

Your right there should be no pressure, pressure is wrong, but having specific expecations or deal breakers if you will is certianly not wrong either, also taking your sweet time to determine all these things is not something I agree with, I want what I want and im not going to wait until half way to death to find out. There is a difference between patience and just wasting time, too often people try to lump them together.

As far as attitudes, yes that is something she needs to work out but not with me, if a woman has not dealt with her baggage then she should not even be seeking out a relationship, she needs to deal with these issues on her own or with a counselor. The relationship needs to be a happy one with maybe a few spats here and there but a woman who has mental problems should not be getting into relationships.

 

[highlife]

I think this might be a bit much...

For me, the girl I seeing (She is not my girlfriend, we are getting to that point but taking things in do course) we both know we are virgins. That is good enough for us at this moment. It might be a bit awkward. and such. it could also pull our minds to places we don't want to go yet.

How I feel about talking about sex is this. I am completely comfortable with it. I am completely excit4ed about it all, but it has its place and two people getting to know each other with out any kind of commitment to each other have no business talking about that stuff.

I think it is totally acceptable for a couple who is serious to discuss that in depth if they want to but as I said, it has its place. I as a man want to cherish and honor my future wife and I need to know how feels about things before we just jump into the sack on that night. I don't want to offend or have any unreal expectations of her. I also do want her to have that of me. She deserves to know what is going in my mind and what I am expecting on that night just as she does of me. But in due time.

OP, take your time. It is worth it. get to know the guy, If there is commitment there be careful. Do not however take lightly the subject of sex, it is sacred and Holy, God says so. But also do not be afraid of it as most Christians are (NOT ALL, BUT A LOT!) It is supposed to be a beautiful and wonderful thing shared between husband and wife. Husbands and wives are supposed to enjoy each other's gifts and the like. But be careful do not mock it or take it for granted. Do not tempt it or arouse it when it is not time. Men and women are built for each other and once you start down the road it is very hard to stop.


*two cents inputed... My work is down*

Some people need to know thoes things before there is to much emotional involvement becuase sexual preferences are in fact deal breakers for many people even many christians. I dont want to have a ton of time and emotions invested in someone that is not for me, its as simple as that.

 

[gzt]

Generally, I would say yes, but what are you thinking about discussing? If you're talking about having long, "dirty" conversations, it might not be wise, but the things the others are saying are probably appropriate once you get fairly serious. And at some point before that it's good to affirm that both of you believe in abstinence until marriage, which is, in fact, discussing sex.

 

[highlife]

Just dont waste to much time before you find out if she will do what you want in bed once the time comes. It does not have to be a long dirty converstation but the specifics should be discussed so you can know if you need to break it off or not before you have to much time and emotion invested. I would not wait until it gets "fairly serious" unless "fairly serious" = a few weeks and not much more (maybe a month at the most). Not only are you investing time and emotion, you will be investing money in dates so you want to make sure your getting a great return on your investment and not a woman that is great to have coffee with but flakes out when the rubber meets the road.

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

i would have to say, it would be fine on different levels.. i know that i have my own fear of finding someone... but not liking our sex life. but i also think that it wouldnt be good to talk about it laying in the bedroom when its getting late etc etc etc. ya know? if it was a mature type talk of sex.... yes. but if not so much, and the relationship was still young. perhaps not. you know yourselves better than us.

 

[TreeHouse]

i would have to say, it would be fine on different levels.. i know that i have my own fear of finding someone... but not liking our sex life. but i also think that it wouldnt be good to talk about it laying in the bedroom when its getting late etc etc etc. ya know? if it was a mature type talk of sex.... yes. but if not so much, and the relationship was still young. perhaps not. you know yourselves better than us.

This is pretty much what I would have said. Well spoken ma'am.

I wouldn't keep it hidden, but don't dwell on it either.

 

[Valerita]

My boyfriend and I have talked about sex, but I was really reluctant to do so. See, the problem was not "wanting to have sex", but it was being absolutely terrified of it. Like, almost panic-attack inducing fear, which is very odd (for me). Like, normally its not a big deal, and I've struggled with lust in my past. But all of a sudden, I would break out into a cold sweat at the thought of my wedding night with him.

He knew there was a problem, and he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I explained that it had to do with sex, so I didn't think we should talk about it. We prayed that we could have a healthy conversation without crossing boundaries and talked about it.

It ended up being a very nice discussion and didn't get skitchy at all. Pray that God leads you into a discussion that is healthy and moral. And if its not, you will know.