It was suggested I put this in the advice forum so I am.
Is it my fault cause I swore?
I don't think I can take any more but I can't leave because I don't believe in divorce and it would give the name of Jesus a bad name. I am so tired.
I didn't swear for years but now in the past months I do swear ...Lord forgive me!!! But it's been a few years my husband has been calling me names, 4 months after we were married, like dumb stupid lazy useless, says other people think I am dumb too and most times I try to be quiet and not respond or would try to defend myself without retaliation. But I got angry tonight, it was too much.
He's said to me last year that he was disappointed in me and because he knows how the Lord thinks, the Lord is disappointed in me too. He often makes tick sounds with his tongue during the day in response to things I say or do, to show his disgust or disapproval.
I pray that my husband will forgive me for calling him names and that our marriage will be restored. I also prat that if necessary his mistreatment of me would be revealed to others but most importantly without me having to say a word or reveal anything so that I will not get blamed for revealing any thing.
I cannot go to anyone cause if he treats me bad like this for trivialities (it's not all the time though) I would be super afraid of what he in the privacy of our own home afterwards for something as big as going public with this. It would be over cause I would be too scared at that point
Pray please that he will appreciate me for who I am, that he would love me right. And stop calling me dumb stupid.
He used to call me names more often and worse, but he has improved and I believe in response to prayers on this forum before.
I get criticized for the way I speak, the way I eat (too fast), the way I drink (make too much noise), my weight, the way I do things... too often.... yet then he'll compliment me out of the blue, like he'll say he's proud of me.
Friday we were at the mall and he told me to wait in the driver seat for him to return, and to move the car if someone is behind me but to stay put .
A car came up to I drove forward and I turned the corner and a parking space was just becoming liberated. I waited a few minutes and texted him to let me know where I was when he comes out.
He was so angry that I was not waiting in front near the exit and got upset, called me stupid, dumb etc.... He said he only meant moving a foot of two to let cars pass.
I tried to explain myself but it didn't work.
So I opened the window cause I knew he would stop yelling at me and he did. Window goes up and he continues.
So at one point I angled my finger towards him and said he was a hypocrite. He grabbed my wrist so hard that it burned and 30 minutes later the pink imprint of my watch was still there on my skin. I went to church later trying not to burst into tears during the meeting.
He said I put my finger in his face and not to do that when he was driving. . But I was in the passenger side and could only angle my arm towards him up, maybe I was close.
He said because I opened the window to stop him yelling it showed him that I can betray him.
Tonight I did an excel sheet of all medical expenses. He started to yell at me cause i put notes in the 1st column, so I told him I will fix it. I removed them and resent him the file. Then he was upset because I had put all of the expenses even those covered by insurance on the sheet at 0.00 (I had highlighted those that we paid). I initially understood when he started yelling at me that he wanted them all at the nearest dollar but then understood he meant just put those expenses we were not reimbursed for. So he started yelling again and calling me stupid and dumb cause an accountant wouldn't need those figures. Saying he would give it to someone else to do. I said all he had to say was to remove the ones at 0.00 .....but I had put them all there as I was listing every one to be sure not to miss any.
He kept at it so much that I swore at him 3 times the f word and he came to where I was sitting and grabbed me by the shoulders hard and pushed me back in the chair and then grabbed my neck pushing it back. I have red marks on my shoulders, but a little bit red on my neck but nothing permanent and they are fading. The areas burn.
He said I was not saved cause I swore. When I told him I was not like this before he said yes you were ...it was in you all the time but it only came out now. Like it's being revealed now. How can anyone deal with being called stupid so many times.
I have to admit after he roughed me up I swore at him again a few times because I am so angry at being put down.. at one point after I said a swear word he looks up and said ."you hear her Lord"....as if I am the bad guy.
He took the computer off my desk, saying it was his and I had to put my stuff in a plastic container where it remains.
Afterwards last night he came to see me insisting that he didn't call me dumb or stupid and that I swore first then he called me dumb/stupid.
So I told him it didn't happen that way, that he called me dumb stupid first.
After me repeating the truth to him, he says " I said you were being dumb....."
So I kept on insisting that was not true and he starts raising his voice, calling me lazy and dumb and stupid ..again.
I help him at times with his work. He rarely helps me with things around the house. I make his meals, get his snacks, coffee water, do errands for him...but it's like he forgets. When I help him he's all appreciative then later I am lazy and do nothing again according to him.
Seriously is this a spiritual attack of some sort? What confusion!
He has grabbed me by the neck before when he was in the kitchen months ago. I threw a knife into the sink cause I was frustrated at what he was saying to me, into his precious sink, and he had grabbed me by the collar and twisted my sweater and pushed me back. I had some marks. But now he says I threw the knife at him which is not true cause he was diagonally in front of me and the sink was to his left about a foot or two away and I did a side throw into the sink.
I am so so so so tired of being called dumb and stupid.
No one would believe me and would probably blame me by saying I am not saved or that he married beneath him. If I said anything or revealed it he probably would tell everyone that I am not saved and an angel of light, something he's said to me before which really hurts and lie about things.
2 years ago I used to call prayer lines when he used to call me names but when he found out I called them he called me a spiritual whor.... so I promised him I would not call again.
I have seen him reveal things about people behind their backs which discredit them, making him the good gut but with me, if he discredits me publicly right now, it will bring him down too so he only does it to me in private.
He is so good at being kind, considerate outside the home. He knows the Word of God very well and prays beautifully and is highly respected by a lot of people, but not all.
I am the loser, the one with no talent or accomplishments that he married and as he says is blessed to be with him. He said other women we know would love to be in my shoes and starts naming them.
He's not evil but like me has areas he needs to work on. I have to stop swearing.
The devil would love for us to be divorced but I want to obey the Lord.