introvert/socially awkward no need to apply/come?

[LifeHouse]

over the years I have been in different churches, I have noticed that almost every church's motto is inclusivity, making church a home for "everyone", not just "some". That why many organizes events that aims to connect people. For example, I once attended this church where they organizes this thing called "men's lunch" aim to connect guys in the church.

But my experience has always been that if you are someone who is an introvert or socially awkward, not only people in those events will not make an effort to get to know you, but they can be rather rude at your social awkwardness. It is like I once attended this church event, I was standing there by myself, and no one bothered to make an effort to talk to me, and it is not just the participants, but the organizers as well. This couple who was responsible for this event actually acted like it is my fault that I am standing there all by myself. it still makes me angry to think about it to this day.

 

[TheWhat?]

I can't relate. If I go to church I prefer the small groups to the main services, unless it is a liturgy. It helps if you check your expectations at the door, be a team player and let things happen naturally.

 

[com7fy8]

Each person is different; so it can be an interesting adventure to get to know each one and discover why that person did what he or she did.

One reason certain people might not talk with you is they don't want to push you. They feel that you a newcomer might feel crowded and pressured if they swarm all over you

Another reason can be that certain people have bonded with each other, and they have not seen each other, all week. When I shared with a church that was good for me, I understood they already had special relationships; so I jumped right in with helping, and I understood there would be times when I would share with people. But I knew they had their jobs and families which had kept them busy all week, and this was their time to be with their special people whom they already knew. And ones could need support about major problems, and they needed to talk with ones they knew well and trusted.

And yes, in due time things worked out for me to have special companions.

But, yes, there are people who do not know how to love. So, of course, they will not know how to relate with you. But if they can't relate with love with you, I offer they also are not doing well with their own families and even their closest friends. So, you can have compassion for such people, with hope for them in prayer for them; and find out how Jesus has you loving and reaching people who need a good example of how to love > be their best friend, by being the example they need to help them find out how to love.

But in one place, I knew I was accepted, but ones did not make a point of coming to me. So, one day I stood in the middle of the fellowship hall and did not let myself get self-conscious. And they let me mind my own business; I was free to sit anywhere, and I knew this. I did feel somewhat funny, but I stayed with it. And after some time, one of the more genuine women, I would say, walked up to me and talked with me some. She said not a word about my just standing by myself; we simply had a good conversation, until she was ready to do something else.

And possibly that was quality not quantity. We already knew each other, and I found her to be all right . . . a married woman. And possibly she had learned how to relate, by maturing in her marriage, so now she could share well even with someone like me, a visitor and not a very socially successful or popular person. So, by waiting I had sharing with maybe one of the more genuine people in the church, and someone who is a good example for me

If I had pushed to make things happen, I might have missed out. In case I was dictating how others had to relate with me, I could miss out on better than what I could imagine and expect and demand.

But yes there are church social club people; they only know how to blend in with each other. But you possibly can find ones there who are genuine and care about the others, and stay with them to reach them and help them. The more you get into caring could be the more you will find others who are caring and not giving up on ones who do not know how to love > love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).

 

[bèlla]

Social awkwardness isn't a term I heard growing up. It's relatively recent. Introverts aren't a new phenomenon and I don't recall special treatment for them. People interacted and that was it.

A lot of this is new for us. I've had a few friends who were introverts but they all communicated well. All my close connections are extroverts and outgoing. I didn't encounter social awkwardness or related challenges until I came to CF.

I still don't fully understand it. I talk to many on the site. But if you asked me to describe how to make someone feel included I wouldn't have an answer. I've started a thread in the past on the topic. But that isn't the same as direct experience.

It isn't always a want to leave someone out. The problem may never cross their minds. You don't look at someone and think maybe they're mentally ill, socially awkward, or have a different struggle without a demonstrative reason to do so.

If you require accommodation you should say so. They can't read your mind. You don't wear a badge that says, "I'm socially awkward." Help them to help you instead.

~bella

 

[Aussie Pete]

over the years I have been in different churches, I have noticed that almost every church's motto is inclusivity, making church a home for "everyone", not just "some". That why many organizes events that aims to connect people. For example, I once attended this church where they organizes this thing called "men's lunch" aim to connect guys in the church.

But my experience has always been that if you are someone who is an introvert or socially awkward, not only people in those events will not make an effort to get to know you, but they can be rather rude at your social awkwardness. It is like I once attended this church event, I was standing there by myself, and no one bothered to make an effort to talk to me, and it is not just the participants, but the organizers as well. This couple who was responsible for this event actually acted like it is my fault that I am standing there all by myself. it still makes me angry to think about it to this day.

You need to remember two things. Most people don't know how to handle introverts. We have a "leave us alone" sign up most of the time. We don't always realise it, but others sense it and don't know how to react. The other issue is a lot of the people who go to church are not born again. They do not have the love of God in their hearts. As has been said, "Don't worry about what people think of you. They are worrying about what you think of them".

If you allow God to change you, you will stop caring what other people think or do. The best advice I received as a very young believer was, "Be yourself". I'm not the life of the party still, but I don't care.

You must forgive those who have offended you. This can be difficult or impossible. Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston gives you the keys that you need to forgive from the heart, not just the mind.

 

[LifeHouse]

I can't relate. If I go to church I prefer the small groups to the main services, unless it is a liturgy. It helps if you check your expectations at the door, be a team player and let things happen naturally.

team player?

you are clearly quite ignorant in terms of knowing what it is like to be socially awkward.

 

[LifeHouse]

Each person is different; so it can be an interesting adventure to get to know each one and discover why that person did what he or she did.

One reason certain people might not talk with you is they don't want to push you. They feel that you a newcomer might feel crowded and pressured if they swarm all over you

Another reason can be that certain people have bonded with each other, and they have not seen each other, all week. When I shared with a church that was good for me, I understood they already had special relationships; so I jumped right in with helping, and I understood there would be times when I would share with people. But I knew they had their jobs and families which had kept them busy all week, and this was their time to be with their special people whom they already knew. And ones could need support about major problems, and they needed to talk with ones they knew well and trusted.

And yes, in due time things worked out for me to have special companions.

But, yes, there are people who do not know how to love. So, of course, they will not know how to relate with you. But if they can't relate with love with you, I offer they also are not doing well with their own families and even their closest friends. So, you can have compassion for such people, with hope for them in prayer for them; and find out how Jesus has you loving and reaching people who need a good example of how to love > be their best friend, by being the example they need to help them find out how to love.

But in one place, I knew I was accepted, but ones did not make a point of coming to me. So, one day I stood in the middle of the fellowship hall and did not let myself get self-conscious. And they let me mind my own business; I was free to sit anywhere, and I knew this. I did feel somewhat funny, but I stayed with it. And after some time, one of the more genuine women, I would say, walked up to me and talked with me some. She said not a word about my just standing by myself; we simply had a good conversation, until she was ready to do something else.

And possibly that was quality not quantity. We already knew each other, and I found her to be all right . . . a married woman. And possibly she had learned how to relate, by maturing in her marriage, so now she could share well even with someone like me, a visitor and not a very socially successful or popular person. So, by waiting I had sharing with maybe one of the more genuine people in the church, and someone who is a good example for me

If I had pushed to make things happen, I might have missed out. In case I was dictating how others had to relate with me, I could miss out on better than what I could imagine and expect and demand.

But yes there are church social club people; they only know how to blend in with each other. But you possibly can find ones there who are genuine and care about the others, and stay with them to reach them and help them. The more you get into caring could be the more you will find others who are caring and not giving up on ones who do not know how to love > love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).

thank you for your loving advice, God bless.

 

[LifeHouse]

You need to remember two things. Most people don't know how to handle introverts. We have a "leave us alone" sign up most of the time. We don't always realise it, but others sense it and don't know how to react. The other issue is a lot of the people who go to church are not born again. They do not have the love of God in their hearts. As has been said, "Don't worry about what people think of you. They are worrying about what you think of them".

If you allow God to change you, you will stop caring what other people think or do. The best advice I received as a very young believer was, "Be yourself". I'm not the life of the party still, but I don't care.

You must forgive those who have offended you. This can be difficult or impossible. Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston gives you the keys that you need to forgive from the heart, not just the mind.

thank you for your loving advice

God bless.

 

[TheWhat?]

team player?

you are clearly quite ignorant in terms of knowing what it is like to be socially awkward.

On the contrary

 

[DragonFox91]

As an introvert, I can relate. I definitely agree groups that claim they're inclusive & want new people can do a poor job of actually trying to welcome new people, especially if they're just a tiny bit different. Do you make an effort to try to fit in? I've gone to church groups in the past where I've made the effort & people still weren't receptive to me, but you need to at least try. Are there other people who may be introverted or socially awkward you could try w/? I've found organizers/leaders tend to be pretty welcome (usually they're a bit older & more mature) so am surprised you were running into struggles w/ them?

 

[After God's Heart]

my experience has always been that if you are someone who is an introvert or socially awkward, not only people in those events will not make an effort to get to know you, but they can be rather rude at your social awkwardness. It is like I once attended this church event, I was standing there by myself, and no one bothered to make an effort to talk to me, and it is not just the participants, but the organizers as well. This couple who was responsible for this event actually acted like it is my fault that I am standing there all by myself. it still makes me angry to think about it to this day.

We have to be careful of clinging to labels and personality traits how our experiences have 'always been', especially if the end result is carrying this anger in your heart. Who does Christ say we are? The fears or anxieties you may struggle with in social situations, those are things you can take to God.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”



Colossians 3:8-14
8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.
12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.


I pray that you may make your way to a faithful biblically-grounded body of believers, Christian fellowship is truly so valuable in a world that is at odds with God. Getting into smaller groups and bible studies is a great opportunity to ask your brothers and sisters how you can better pray for them- I've found that particular question can lead to some incredibly edifying conversation.

 

[angelsaroundme]

Christian or secular, most can't relate. I don't know how severe you are but I've been made to feel like an alien at times. People are rarely taught to understand or show compassion to those who struggle socially. Moses could be used as a reference point. But instead of the Biblical Moses with a speech difficulty, Hollywood popularized the Charlton Heston version.

Virtual church is an option. An increasing number are doing that or listening to sermons on Youtube. If you feel led to keep trying with a regular church I suggest some kind of volunteer work. For an introvert that can be intimidating, especially if it involves a lot of people. It would show them who you are though. Plus it would be a good deed.

Whatever your choice is, I sympathize with what you are going through. I hope you can forgive those that were rude. We all make mistakes and it is better not to hold on to the past.

 

[bèlla]

I think a useful outcome for this thread would be for those who struggle with these challenges to share their needs. It would be edifying for others. Recounting prior hurts has a place but it doesn’t move the needle and that’s the goal.

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

You're dealing with people that are socialized in a certain way and who have trouble relating to you. They're not heroes who can pick up on your needs and the way you need them met, and provide them for you all the time. Also, if they don't see a certain level of social openness from someone, they might give up hope of being able to relate to that person. I've been on both sides of this. I've been on the outside looking in, and I've also been personally drained by people who did not listen, did not have any sense of what was appropriate to say, and who did not bother to do common sense things that are normally expected of people. I'm not that guy who will actively give that person a hard time, but I do see the openings for that and I try to gently help instead - but not everyone responds and learns, and that can be exasperating.

 

[Sketcher]

I think a useful outcome for this thread would be for those who struggle with these challenges to share their needs. It would be edifying for others. Recounting prior hurts has a place but it doesn’t move the needle and that’s the goal.

~bella

Respect and space, plus persistent inclusion and gentle guidance when warranted. Greet and invite persistently, but don't smother. Ask questions rather than assume. Treat as you would want to be treated, part of which means make sure you are reading what the other person wants out of the interaction accurately.

 

[bèlla]

Can we get a clear definition for social awkwardness? What are you unable to do or struggle with?

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

Can we get a clear definition for social awkwardness? What are you unable to do or struggle with?

~bella

Be aware of course, that the most socially awkward people won't be able to provide a full inventory of their struggles; we tend to be hyper-aware of some issues while being deaf to others. (Even if you know that, someone else reading this may not.)

 

[bèlla]

Be aware of course, that the most socially awkward people won't be able to provide a full inventory of their struggles; we tend to be hyper-aware of some issues while being deaf to others. (Even if you know that, someone else reading this may not.)

Can you name a few? It would help a lot.

 

[Sketcher]

Can you name a few? It would help a lot.

• Reading social situations
• Articulating thoughts while adapting what you want to say appropriately to the current situation
  
• How to know when to stop - lots of goofing around goes past the boundaries that many introverts have anyway, so since the conversation is already out of those bounds anyway, the rules for the crowd's boundaries are unknown, and might not make sense.
• Knowing who is really safe vs who is not. For instance, when I joined a fellowship once, and they would go out to eat afterwords I would not join them unless explicitly invited.
  
• Knowing how to gracefully deal with a situation where you feel pressured into something. The crowd's boundaries are not your own, so the unofficial rules for dealing with this are unknown.
• Any conversation that requires any finesse. An analogy is baseball - the plays that have the highest percentage of success are the most basic fundamentals. It's the finesse plays, those running, leaping catches and flipping the ball behind you or bare-handing a catch that are the most likely to go wrong. They're spectacular when they work, but the risk is at least as high as the reward. Conversations are like baseball in this sense.

 

[bèlla]

.

This is a good starting point. I hope others chime in. Thanks for your input.

What’s the emotional impact?