introvert/socially awkward no need to apply/come?

[angelsaroundme]

I think a useful outcome for this thread would be for those who struggle with these challenges to share their needs. It would be edifying for others. Recounting prior hurts has a place but it doesn’t move the needle and that’s the goal.

~bella

Here is some stuff that is based on myself but may apply to other shy and socially challenged people.

1. The smaller the group that approaches us the better. We feel crowded easily. You may not mind a lot of strangers surrounding you but for some of us it skyrockets our anxiety and makes it hard to think.
2. Beginning with a lighthearted conversation or simple question helps.
3. Be patient when it's our turn to talk. It might take us time to figure out what to say or to get the words out.
4. Telling us about yourself will give us the chance to realize what we have in common. So you sharing and talking a lot can be a positive.

 

[bèlla]

A Video for Introverts

Growing up, I had a lot of misconceptions about introverts. Over time, however, I've found myself spending more and more time on my own, and I don't mind it. In fact, I kind of like it.

 

[bèlla]

Living With Social Anxiety

I am 25 years old and I just realized how much my Social Anxiety has taken over my life.

 

[bèlla]

Here is some stuff that is based on myself but may apply to other shy and socially challenged people.

Thank you for sharing. It helps everyone improve.

 

[Sketcher]

This is a good starting point. I hope others chime in. Thanks for your input.

What’s the emotional impact?

It makes interactions stressful, and when you're not thriving like others are, it can be distressing. In terms of singleness it affects you too, since all that stuff I mentioned is stuff a guy needs to be reasonably good at to pursue a lady and stand up for her if needed. Plus planning social events, which is also stressful - when you're good being a homebody, the world tells you that's boring. So you need to put in the effort to plan a date (with an alternate*) regularly enough to keep her interested, and to convey just the right amount of interest. Too much, and she'll think you're desperate and weak, and drop you. Too little, and she'll give up and drop you. And you don't know how much the right amount is. What's natural comes across as too much. Especially in the case of the introvert, since you're good by yourself unless you have a high amount of specific interest in somebody, which means if you're asking her out, you're probably much more interested than she is.

*Alternates are important if the primary plan goes awry at the last minute. A friend of mine has the best example of this need happen to him: He decided to take a girl to the university's art museum. Unfortunately, the main display was a photography piece on a genocide, and he didn't have a good backup, so they went and she did not enjoy herself. What he was really banking on was taking her to an evening worship session which she wasn't into, so he had to improvise and tried the art museum date without realizing what they had displayed.

 

[bèlla]

So you need to put in the effort to plan a date (with an alternate*) regularly enough to keep her interested, and to convey just the right amount of interest. Too much, and she'll think you're desperate and weak, and drop you. Too little, and she'll give up and drop you. And you don't know how much the right amount is.

This is a separate topic in itself. Maybe you can address it? Understanding attraction. What does it look like? The things they say and do that might communicate interest. I'd imagine reading that may be difficult if you struggle with social cues. You may miss an opportunity or see one that doesn't exist.

Attentiveness is its complement and you touched on it in your response. Examples of too much and too little would be helpful. And the extra bit on planning would round it out. First date and date night ideas. I'm sure they'll thank you in spades.

You've been a fount of information and enlightenment. Thank you Sketcher.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

The OP reveals the necessity of the gift of hospitality. That's what needed in these scenarios. That's your Martha. In social settings most people aren't aware of what's happening around them. They're conversing or their attention is elsewhere.

Martha's can accurately gauge the temperature of the room and pinpoint people who need assistance. They're hawk eyes. They don't miss anything. You don't hear about it very often beyond food. Hospitality is more than that. They make sure everyone's comfortable.

Just because you're an introvert or struggle socially doesn't mean you're unable to do the same. @Sketcher is incredibly insightful. His knowledge would be welcomed. Since he understands the problem he's a great go between. God uses everyone.

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

This is a separate topic in itself. Maybe you can address it? Understanding attraction. What does it look like? The things they say and do that might communicate interest. I'd imagine reading that may be difficult if you struggle with social cues. You may miss an opportunity or see one that doesn't exist.

Attentiveness is its complement and you touched on it in your response. Examples of too much and too little would be helpful. And the extra bit on planning would round it out. First date and date night ideas. I'm sure they'll thank you in spades.

You've been a fount of information and enlightenment. Thank you Sketcher.

~bella

You're asking for stuff I'm not qualified to answer. Women are not consistent with any of those things, even the same women. They'll be flirty if a guy they are interested in does something, but if she hasn't noticed him, the exact same thing is creepy to her. I still don't understand attraction. You've probably seen an introvert who was attracted to you or someone you knew; you or she wrote him off if you even noticed him.

Sure, women act differently around guys they like, but if the woman is new enough to you, you don't know what's different. By the time you do know her well enough to tell, you're friendzoned.

There are dating coaches that say to work from volume, but that's sales stuff adapted to dating. Someone might get 40 nos to get one yes, but putting that in is utterly unappealing. Even if you separate the pain of rejection out of it, I don't want to spend hours a day or week trying to talk to strange women for the same reason I don't work sales for a living.

 

[Niels]

In my experience, church people have often known each other since childhood, and can be unintentionally insular. That's a hard nut to crack, especially for an introvert who happens to be single. From the start, you're dealing with at least four challenges. 1 - You're a stranger. They don't know your personality, they don't know your likes and dislikes, whether you're trustworthy, or how to treat you. 2 - You don't know much about them. 3 - As an introvert, you may not want to draw much attention to yourself. 4 - The women might think you're going to hit on them, and the single men might think you'll try to steal their women (or the women that they have crushes on).

Social awkwardness isn't quite the same as being introverted. There doesn't seem to be a consensus, but any equate it to a lack of social skills. Although I have no idea of how socially skilled you are, lacking in that area might make things more awkward than they need to be. Possibly a 5th challenge, in addition to the other three. Thankfully, social skills can be learned.

On the contrary

I misread your post as "Oh, the cantankery!"

 

[angelsaroundme]

I agree that churches can be insular and if you don't know anyone there it may be an uphill battle making friends with that group.

 

[bèlla]

I agree that churches can be insular and if you don't know anyone there it may be an uphill battle making friends with that group.

I think it depends on where you fall on the spectrum for introversion and social challenges. The higher the number the greater the difficulty.

 

[Aussie Pete]

thank you for your loving advice

God bless.

You are most welcome. Old age is quite a price to pay for wisdom, but I'm glad that I can help.

 

[LifeHouse]

As an introvert, I can relate. I definitely agree groups that claim they're inclusive & want new people can do a poor job of actually trying to welcome new people, especially if they're just a tiny bit different. Do you make an effort to try to fit in? I've gone to church groups in the past where I've made the effort & people still weren't receptive to me, but you need to at least try. Are there other people who may be introverted or socially awkward you could try w/? I've found organizers/leaders tend to be pretty welcome (usually they're a bit older & more mature) so am surprised you were running into struggles w/ them?

hello

yes, I definitely made an effort.

maybe it is the people I have encounter, but that group I was talking about is run by this Christian couple who are probably convinced in their ways. I don't think they even think they are doing anything wrong.

anyway, thank you for your reply, God bless.

 

[LifeHouse]

Christian or secular, most can't relate. I don't know how severe you are but I've been made to feel like an alien at times. People are rarely taught to understand or show compassion to those who struggle socially. Moses could be used as a reference point. But instead of the Biblical Moses with a speech difficulty, Hollywood popularized the Charlton Heston version.

Virtual church is an option. An increasing number are doing that or listening to sermons on Youtube. If you feel led to keep trying with a regular church I suggest some kind of volunteer work. For an introvert that can be intimidating, especially if it involves a lot of people. It would show them who you are though. Plus it would be a good deed.

Whatever your choice is, I sympathize with what you are going through. I hope you can forgive those that were rude. We all make mistakes and it is better not to hold on to the past.

thank you for your response.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, may God be with you.

God bless

 

[LifeHouse]

You're dealing with people that are socialized in a certain way and who have trouble relating to you. They're not heroes who can pick up on your needs and the way you need them met, and provide them for you all the time. Also, if they don't see a certain level of social openness from someone, they might give up hope of being able to relate to that person. I've been on both sides of this. I've been on the outside looking in, and I've also been personally drained by people who did not listen, did not have any sense of what was appropriate to say, and who did not bother to do common sense things that are normally expected of people. I'm not that guy who will actively give that person a hard time, but I do see the openings for that and I try to gently help instead - but not everyone responds and learns, and that can be exasperating.

well, I don't agree with everything you say. but thanks for respond.

 

[LifeHouse]

We have to be careful of clinging to labels and personality traits how our experiences have 'always been', especially if the end result is carrying this anger in your heart. Who does Christ say we are? The fears or anxieties you may struggle with in social situations, those are things you can take to God.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”



Colossians 3:8-14
8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.
12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.


I pray that you may make your way to a faithful biblically-grounded body of believers, Christian fellowship is truly so valuable in a world that is at odds with God. Getting into smaller groups and bible studies is a great opportunity to ask your brothers and sisters how you can better pray for them- I've found that particular question can lead to some incredibly edifying conversation.

thank you for your reply.

 

[LifeHouse]

In my experience, church people have often known each other since childhood, and can be unintentionally insular. That's a hard nut to crack, especially for an introvert who happens to be single. From the start, you're dealing with at least four challenges. 1 - You're a stranger. They don't know your personality, they don't know your likes and dislikes, whether you're trustworthy, or how to treat you. 2 - You don't know much about them. 3 - As an introvert, you may not want to draw much attention to yourself. 4 - The women might think you're going to hit on them, and the single men might think you'll try to steal their women (or the women that they have crushes on).

Social awkwardness isn't quite the same as being introverted. There doesn't seem to be a consensus, but any equate it to a lack of social skills. Although I have no idea of how socially skilled you are, lacking in that area might make things more awkward than they need to be. Possibly a 5th challenge, in addition to the other three. Thankfully, social skills can be learned.



I misread your post as "Oh, the cantankery!"

thanks for your reply.

 

[I AM CONTENT]

I am a introvert and dislike the church scene of community.