Introversion vs Extroversion

blackribbon · May 9, 2016

NotUrAvgGuy.... I am missing something. Why are you on dating websites if you are happiest alone? If you realized that you don't value a relationship as much as you value your alone time, why would you spend time seeking a relationship? There is nothing wrong with preferring to be single and alone.

And as a mother who loves my kids dearly, there is plenty of time spent in the day that doesn't count as ministries to anyone but is necessary as a parent ... much of what I do is but there is plenty of time that is just stuff that needs to be done ...

NotUrAvgGuy · May 10, 2016

blackribbon said:
NotUrAvgGuy.... I am missing something. Why are you on dating websites if you are happiest alone? If you realized that you don't value a relationship as much as you value your alone time, why would you spend time seeking a relationship? There is nothing wrong with preferring to be single and alone.

And as a mother who loves my kids dearly, there is plenty of time spent in the day that doesn't count as ministries to anyone but is necessary as a parent ... much of what I do is but there is plenty of time that is just stuff that needs to be done ...

Dating sites are also a place to make friends. I have met ladies who don't want to date but would like some local opposite sex friends. That works for me as you don't have the expectations of a relationship. I just made such a friend. She is an airline flight attendant and gone for 10 days at a time. She just wants someone to do things with no and then when here. So for me that's fine as I don't have to see her with any regularity, it's not a dating situation, we each pay our way, no romance or affection, etc. I would not have met her though were it not for the dating site. As long as you are clear that you just want friends that's perfectly acceptable on these sites. It's pretty much the only way I am going to make friends.

happygirl152 · May 22, 2016

I don't need to take the test to know that I am an introvert, and to be honest, I don't see anything wrong with being an introvert, but sadly, it makes dating difficult. Most men are looking for an extrovert, whereas I don't fit in that category so I get over looked all the time. I appear too "shy", "quiet" and "uninteresting". But it takes a strong and wise man to see beyond that and to give introverts such as myself an opportunity to open up and show our amazing hearts and personalities.

dayhiker · May 23, 2016

I'd disagree with the comment that most men want an extrovert. Many personal adds say they don't want any drama, which part of that is saying they want a quiet
person that they can relax with with and don't have to be ON all the time. I think the trick is how to get noticed when one is quiet. Usually a connection can't be made without some good conversation.

blackribbon · May 23, 2016

dayhiker said:
I'd disagree with the comment that most men want an extrovert. Many personal adds say they don't want any drama, which part of that is saying they want a quiet
person that they can relax with with and don't have to be ON all the time. I think the trick is how to get noticed when one is quiet. Usually a connection can't be made without some good conversation.

I think what most men mean when they say they don't want any drama is that they don't want to have to listen to the woman talk about their problems. "Quit talking while I am watching the game."

dayhiker · May 23, 2016

I can see that, black. Tho for me its if this same emotion (usually negative ones) hangs around for days and weeks. I learned when I was pretty young to deal with my emotions, process them and move on. Its not just women how keep the same emotion moving in their life, I know men who do as well. At least I have no problem listening
to people talk about the drama, trauma they have been thru. We all need to be heard. But if I hear the same story for years, then I wonder what's going on.

NotUrAvgGuy · May 24, 2016

So I met a woman who is a flight attendant. She is gone for 10 days then back in town for 10 days. She is new to my city but moved here because she has a sister here but her sister rarely gets out so she was looking for a local guy friend to show her around and experience the town. At first I thought that would be perfect. No pressure. Not a dating situation. She seemed nice. We met for a drink and light diner a couple of weeks ago and it went fine then she had another stint of travel. Now she is back and wanted me to pick out something for us to do some weeknight this week.

I could not come up with a thing. I am tired of meeting people for dinner or drinks. It's all I've done of late. We just met though so inviting her over is a bit premature. There is nothing I feel like doing. I could not come up with a single thing. I finally emailed her and told her that but asked if there was anything specific she liked to do (movies, dancing, etc). I apologized I was not coming up with more. I confessed I was not good at that and perhaps was not the best tour guide as I tend to be a homebody and most of my past exploration of town was when dating a very active woman.

She was very understanding about it but offered no suggestions and I sense she has written me off. That's ok as she was not a romantic interest and if I am not a good fit to show her the town then that is understandable. Is it unusual to draw a blank like that or just part of being an introvert who does not get out much?

dayhiker · May 24, 2016

Its good to have a list of 5 to 10 default activities I think.
One of mines is to go for a walk at a park or forest preserve. There are a lot of them around my area.
Dancing or a movie are other possibilities that you have on your list. A live band at a club ladies often like.
I've done meetups with dates before.

blackribbon · May 24, 2016

I think it is common to draw a blank like that when put on the spot. Start working on a list of things to do for the next time you find yourself in that situation...be it a woman or just someone from your past stops in town (male or female). Look at the free magazines at the grocery...even the ones that have things to do with kids because there are good ideas in there such as going to the zoo or festivals or museums or unique restaurants. Also get a AAA travel book and see what kind of things they recommend or suggest for tourists. Finally, never walk by a rack of tourists cards without seeing what is being advertised. I found some cool local museums that I'd never have known about that are within a reasonable drive. When put on the spot, grab your local paper and just scan the ads...I find tours of homes that are open only one weekend a year, or traveling exhibits at weird places like a church or school, and so on.

rickster · May 25, 2016

NotUrAvgGuy said:
Now she is back and wanted me to pick out something for us to do some weeknight this week.

I could not come up with a thing. I am tired of meeting people for dinner or drinks. It's all I've done of late. We just met though so inviting her over is a bit premature. There is nothing I feel like doing. I could not come up with a single thing. I finally emailed her and told her that but asked if there was anything specific she liked to do (movies, dancing, etc). I apologized I was not coming up with more. I confessed I was not good at that and perhaps was not the best tour guide as I tend to be a homebody and most of my past exploration of town was when dating a very active woman.

Was this on the spot or did you have time to think of something. Saying that you got to e-mail her makes it sound like you had some time to think about this activity.

NotUrAvgGuy said:
She was very understanding about it but offered no suggestions and I sense she has written me off. That's ok as she was not a romantic interest and if I am not a good fit to show her the town then that is understandable. Is it unusual to draw a blank like that or just part of being an introvert who does not get out much?

I think it's very unusual for you to draw a blank if you had some time to think. You have the internet and friends as a resource. Not using them is foolish.

If she asked you in person, and you didn't come up with an answer right there, then that's not that bad. Some people aren't great at being spontaneous.

I'm reading into your post, but it's all I got to go on. Since you said it was a no pressure meet up, you didn't bother to get out of your comfort zone or to spend extra time researching a potential activity. If this was someone you cared about I would hope you'd spend a little extra effort in coming up with an answer other than "i don't know what to do."

I don't think this is an introvert/extrovert issue. I am also a homebody and introverted. But If I had a relationship I cared about, I would spend more that the minimum amount of effort trying to make it work. It seems like you are trying to use introversion to justify your misfortunes.

dayhiker · May 25, 2016

Hi rickster,
I want to welcome you to CF.
Some of you comments feel to me as if they are on the judging side. It keeps thing a little more friendly here if we ask questions or offer suggestions that
the person can accept or say those don't apply to me.

NotUrAvgGuy · May 25, 2016

rickster said:
Was this on the spot or did you have time to think of something. Saying that you got to e-mail her makes it sound like you had some time to think about this activity.

I think it's very unusual for you to draw a blank if you had some time to think. You have the internet and friends as a resource. Not using them is foolish.

If she asked you in person, and you didn't come up with an answer right there, then that's not that bad. Some people aren't great at being spontaneous.

I'm reading into your post, but it's all I got to go on. Since you said it was a no pressure meet up, you didn't bother to get out of your comfort zone or to spend extra time researching a potential activity. If this was someone you cared about I would hope you'd spend a little extra effort in coming up with an answer other than "i don't know what to do."

I don't think this is an introvert/extrovert issue. I am also a homebody and introverted. But If I had a relationship I cared about, I would spend more that the minimum amount of effort trying to make it work. It seems like you are trying to use introversion to justify your misfortunes.

Mind you we just met and so I don't have strong feelings one way or the other. I am still deciding if I think we have a basis for friendship.

I find that I don't care much for small talk. As I read in an article on introverts we often prefer deeper conversations where we can really learn or share learnings. Talking about the everyday stuff bores us pretty quickly. In my experience most people don't want to hold the kind of conversations I enjoy. Just sitting and making small talk over dinner or lunch is not that interesting for me. I've asked her multiple times if she likes to go to movies or go for walks or listen to live music, etc, and no answer. She just seems to want to meet over dinner or lunch and talk. So I have asked and gotten no help from her. Since there is nothing I feel like doing right now and she is not answering we are not going to get together on this home stand for her. Maybe next time.

exitstageright · May 25, 2016

blackribbon said:
I think what most men mean when they say they don't want any drama is that they don't want to have to listen to the woman talk about their problems. "Quit talking while I am watching the game."

There is another saying. And,to be fair,it applies to some guys,also.That saying is...."Shut up,and fish!"

exitstageright · May 25, 2016

blackribbon said:
I think it is common to draw a blank like that when put on the spot. Start working on a list of things to do for the next time you find yourself in that situation...be it a woman or just someone from your past stops in town (male or female). Look at the free magazines at the grocery...even the ones that have things to do with kids because there are good ideas in there such as going to the zoo or festivals or museums or unique restaurants. Also get a AAA travel book and see what kind of things they recommend or suggest for tourists. Finally, never walk by a rack of tourists cards without seeing what is being advertised. I found some cool local museums that I'd never have known about that are within a reasonable drive. When put on the spot, grab your local paper and just scan the ads...I find tours of homes that are open only one weekend a year, or traveling exhibits at weird places like a church or school, and so on.

By the way, Most big cities have a guide called "City Tours",in which one can "google". I used one city guide for Seattle,Washington. I saved about 50% of the cost of my tours.

NotUrAvgGuy · May 25, 2016

It's not that there is nothing to do. The problem is with me. I am probably depressed and nothing appeals to me. Nothing appeals to me. Unless I break out of this funk I'm not going to feel like doing anything with anyone.

exitstageright · May 25, 2016

NotUrAvgGuy said:
It's not that there is nothing to do. The problem is with me. I am probably depressed and nothing appeals to me. Nothing appeals to me. Unless I break out of this funk I'm not going to feel like doing anything with anyone.

It makes me sad to hear anyone say that they cannot enjoy life. Life is a precious,and a fragile gift from God.I have a christian male friend ,who feels the same way,that you do. He is a 52 year old virgin(waiting for God to send him someone),has never been married,never had a girlfriend,and has never kissed a human female. I just hate to see someone waste,and throw their life away.
My friend,did however,liked my alegory.
Here it is .
An young man,crossing the Atlantic Ocean,on a cruise ship,refused to eat in the big dinning room. He would just eat only a bag lunch,everyday,that his mother had made for him. On the last night of the cruise,an Officer,who had been watching him,for the past nine days told him this. "Son,I have been noticing that you have been out here on deck eating only a sandwich. Why did you not eat in the dinning room?" The young man answered,"Sir,my mother and I are poor. She only had enough money for the fare.She could not afford to pay for my dinners in a fancy dinning room,such as the one on this ship." The officer said,"Son,all of the meals,in the dinning room,on this ship are included in the price of this voyage". The young man was surprised .He then became sad. Because,he missed out on some great meals. And it was all of his fault.
My point is,please,please get some help. some universities have A Pysch Department,which would give you some free help. When I was in the U.S. Navy,I lost a good friend to suicide. At that time,I did not know the signs and the symptoms of someone considering suicide.

dayhiker · May 25, 2016

exit .. I'm with you ... God doesn't make my bed each morning so I don't think He will also do what I need to do to find a woman.

blackribbon · May 25, 2016

NotUrAvgGuy said:
It's not that there is nothing to do. The problem is with me. I am probably depressed and nothing appeals to me. Nothing appeals to me. Unless I break out of this funk I'm not going to feel like doing anything with anyone.

Real depression...like what it sounds like you have, is not a funk you can break out of. It is a medical condition that requires medical intervention...like a bad infection. When you stop feeling any emotions, suspect clinical depression. Antidepressants are not "happy pills" but rather medications that balance your brain chemicals and start to let you feel again. They do not make you "high" or altered. They help you find "yourself" again and at that point, you can start picking yourself up by the bootstraps. They are not "addictive" but I found I had bad side effects when I tried to ween myself before my brain had healed. Zero side effects when I went off a year after starting them because my brain was finally balancing the chemicals on its own. Regardless, they are not "addictive". Also know that sometimes you have to try a few different ones to find the one that works best with your body....and they take time to build up in your body though I could feel a difference starting in a couple days when I used them.

Just a suggestion. What would it hurt to get a consult if it could potentially bring your life back to you?

NotUrAvgGuy · May 25, 2016

blackribbon said:
Real depression...like what it sounds like you have, is not a funk you can break out of. It is a medical condition that requires medical intervention...like a bad infection. When you stop feeling any emotions, suspect clinical depression. Antidepressants are not "happy pills" but rather medications that balance your brain chemicals and start to let you feel again. They do not make you "high" or altered. They help you find "yourself" again and at that point, you can start picking yourself up by the bootstraps. They are not "addictive" but I found I had bad side effects when I tried to ween myself before my brain had healed. Zero side effects when I went off a year after starting them because my brain was finally balancing the chemicals on its own. Regardless, they are not "addictive". Also know that sometimes you have to try a few different ones to find the one that works best with your body....and they take time to build up in your body though I could feel a difference starting in a couple days when I used them.

Just a suggestion. What would it hurt to get a consult if it could potentially bring your life back to you?

Sorry I made such a brief comment but did not want to bore you all with details. I am on meds and have been for at least 15 years. I also am in weekly counseling and have been for years. I have been told my brain chemistry is off. Seems I might not be getting enough dopamine. Most of the meds are good at increasing serotonin but dopamine is a bit trickier. I work with a psychiatrist for my meds. He is very knowledgeable and we have tried lots of different things on me and the search continues.

I had a terrible childhood with an alcoholic mother than an extremely stressful 19 year marriage. I suffer from social phobia, PTSD, general anxiety, attachment disorder, and depression. Since pretty much all the sources of traumatic stress in my life were caused by people close to me (mother, ex-wife) I naturally find relationships stressful. While living and being alone so much is not ideal it beats feeling trapped in a stressful home and relationship. I have had fairly flat emotions as far back as I can remember no doubt due to my upbringing. Nothing excites me. I don't experience strong emotions. That also hurts relationships. I have not yet been able to form a deep emotional bond with anyone. I don't get excited about vacations or activities. That doesn't mean I derive no enjoyment just on a very limited scale. Things like food do nothing for me. I view it as fuel and little more. I don't ever celebrate things. I spend holidays alone.

So I continue to counsel and try different meds and pray! It's tough because I have well meaning Christian friends who insist the problem is me and I have to get out of the way and let God change me. They see me as having a lack of faith that God can change me. I do believe God can change me but just like any other illness it is not always God's will to heal us. We should have faith that He can and ask in prayer but we also have to accept His will. The tricky part is saying how much of my situation is brain chemistry versus life events that would benefit from counseling? I am addressing both but counseling alone might not provide the answers if my brain chemistry is working against me. Thus saying I am getting in God's way may not be a fair statement. Plus it's hard to miss something you've never had. The analogy of the kids eating the sandwich on the cruise ship assumes he has sampled good food and knows the difference. If all he's ever eaten is a simple sandwich then telling him he could be having steak in the dining room might mean nothing to him. He's never had steak. If you've never experienced excitement or strong emotions toward another person then it's hard to miss those things and feel like you need to leave no stone unturned in pursuing them.

blackribbon · May 25, 2016

I am glad to hear you are getting help and sad to hear that it is a struggle to find something that works. I am sure that the answer lies somewhere in both counseling and medications since the chemical imbalance is probably a result of the mental trauma that damages how the brain functions....on top of anything that would have been there even without the tough childhood. And like anyone struggling with a chronic medical condition, it is not proof that God doesn't love you or that you are doing something wrong. Keep reaching for a life that you can be satisfied with...even if that doesn't look like one that anyone else would chose. This is all temporary luckily. ((hugs))

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