internet infidelity

[aquamarine36]

My husband had a 3 year affair with someone from this forum. I don't know who she is, nor do I want to know. When I learned of this affair I went to pieces. I felt beaten to within an inch of my life. The pain went on and on for months. At the time it happened I felt cables snapping, my ties to him I assumed. I am still legally married to him, but in my mind, heart, soul, every atom in me I am no longer married. We are separated now, as I requested. There are days when I'm in pain, but sometimes I feel like a person awakening from a very bad dream. I am alone now, have even met a man whom I find very attractive. When I'm with him I can forget for a while that I am a betrayed wife. He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, and loved. Needless to say, I've never known another man other than my husband and this is all very strange to me.
Has anyone out there been in this position? Am I on the rebound? I didn't go looking for another man, it just happened gradually over the weeks and days. It's been 6 months since that horrible day when my life lay smashed all around me. I'm on a roller-coaster, anyone been there??? Anyone care to write to me - I've had this big need to talk lately, can't understand that either........................aquamarine36

 

[bkg]

My husband had a 3 year affair with someone from this forum.

I'm sorry for that.. My heart goes out to you.

I am alone now, have even met a man whom I find very attractive. When I'm with him I can forget for a while that I am a betrayed wife. He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, and loved. Needless to say, I've never known another man other than my husband and this is all very strange to me.
Has anyone out there been in this position? Am I on the rebound?

But having your own affair is not appropriate, nor is it the answer. You are separated, but you are still married. You, rightfully so, are hurt by his actions.... but be that as it may, you are committing the same sin against your marriage now as he did. Having a double standard, if you will, is no way to resolve the pain in your heart, nor is it going to bring about healing or restoration in your marriage....

Additionally, if I may be so bold, how can you hold his affair against him, when you are having your own right now?

I'm sure this isn't the edification that you were looking for.
bkg

 

[Donnabing]

Oh my dear, my heart breaks for you . I can not imagine the pain you must feel right now. One thing I can say for sure, God wants to restore your marriage to your husband. I know you are so angry , maybe at God even. I can not say I have been in your position before, but I can say that your attraction to this other man is probably a result of your needing the comfort of a person right now (which is understandable considering your situation). I suggest you stop seeing this other man, this will only deepen the hurt you feel from your husband if you do not rectify this situation. If you do nothing else, please pray for God to help you through this situation, as I will pray too. One way to start is to talk with your husband. If he is still seeing this other woman, request that he stop immediately and begin talking about the future you have together. No matter how difficult things get, they are never too hard for God to fix. Take time and look back on special days: your first kiss, your wedding, romantic moments. This will help you to forgive him. Remember, love is not just a feeling, it is an action and a decision. If you are going to heal from these hurts, you must choose to restore what has been lost, including your love for your husband. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Please, if there is any way I can help you, PM me. Bless you, and keep us all updated.

 

[charligirl]

I am so sorry for you. I agree with the above post, God's best would be for you to be restored in your marriage, He can and will do that if you both decide to make it right again - but you may not want to make your marriage work , and biblically you do have grounds for divorce if that's the route you want to take.

As to your relationship with this other man - even though your husband did it first, I'm afraid that too is adultery as you are still married. I also think you are definately on the rebound, it may have felt like a lifetime but it has onb=ly been 6 months, you really need to be going to God to restore you and not another relationship.

I pray that God will be close to you and give you wisdom in your choices.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Oof!
This thread should serve as a lesson to us all that this can happen to any of us if we don't watch out for it.
Especially in a forum of people who are suffering with marriage problems. It's easy to confuse the boundary between showing love and concern and developing a dependency leading to unhealthy things.
I look at women as sisters and little sisters. Kind of like 1 Tim. 5:2. "Treat...younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." This defines the relationship ahead of time.

As for the poor OP. I can only imagine that the volume of confusion you are swimming in at the moment would not help your ability to see things objectively. Becoming attached to someone who makes you feel like a human being doesn't mean that you and this guy are meant to be more than friends.
I recommend not dating until you know and feel that you have recovered from your current situation. There are still chances of reconciliation. Wait until this current issue with your husband to be resolved completely, either by reconciliation or by divorce if you should choose that route. You can't think clearly or make good judgments when you've got all of this happening in your head.

 

[Tini]

aquamarine36

Sorry for what has happened. Remmeber, this was not God's will -His will is for you and your husband NOT to be in this situation.

I agree with Mr Cheese - this must serve as a reminder to all of us that this can happen to any of us. Satan wants to destroy God's wonderful institution of marriage and the family in whatever way he can - even through a vehicle such as CF.

I pray that you will recieve healing, and against all human feelings and understanding, I pray that you and your husband will be reconcilled quickly and fully so that you can bring a testimony to the glory of God to all.

God bless and God loves you.

 

[aquamarine36]

Thank you all for your messages. My husband started chasing other women 3 weeks after we married. It didn't stop then, he has cheated all our married life, the last two times I found out it was cybercheating. He is also a gambler and has gambled away all that we ever earned. I have spent years forgetting and forgiving. I had a psychotic break (nervous breakdown) with the last cyber affair, and was in a hospital for a month. During that time I was away, he learned how to hide his affairs better, and I wouldn't stumble on his activities as easily. He was already into this latest "soulmate" when I returned home from the hospital. It has been an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship from the beginning. This last affair just shook me awake, finally.
I am no longer married, mind, heart, spirit, soul, or body. I have totally detached from him. I find him repulsive and sickening. Once I separated from him it was like the weight of the world off my shoulders. I am happy now for the first time in 47 years. Did I mention we are both senior citizens? I am 68 and he is 70............................aquamarine

 

[Jenna]

I would still venture to add that regardless of your feelings toward him, if the state says that you are legally married, you are. It is awful that your husband has been such a hurtful cad, and my heart goes out to you. As the others pointed out though, becoming involved with another man while you are still married is adultery, and that should mean a lot to you and your relationship with the Lord. If you need reaffirmation of your beauty, both inside and out, lean on the Lord. He can and will support you through this time if you turn to Him.

 

[SkyeBlue8]

Aquamarine,
If I were in your situation (and I'm speaking entirely for myself) I would divorce this man. There's no way I could be happily married to him.
But I would also put dating other men on hold until the divorce was final.
I firmly believe that adultery is the only reason for divorce. I'm not one of those who will say 'well if it's just too hard get a divorce!'
This is a serious situation...and God has given you the option to end it, and for good reason. He's betrayed you in the worst way.

Whatever you decide to do, I pray this all works out for you! I pray that God gives you peace of mind. It must feel like your heart has been run over by a train...

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Biblically, you have grounds for divorce. He's already betrayed you marriage vows. The question is, are you holding out to get back together, or are you two going to get a divorce but haven't done so yet? There is hope for every relationship, including this one. I wouldn't blame you for wanting, and persuing a divorce, and again, biblically you have a right to. However, that is between you and God, you might find when it gets down to it, you aren't ready to give up yet. God can work miracles. God Bless you!

HB

 

[aquamarine36]

The messages are filled with love and hope, thank you. But I must honestly say that I do not want to be reconciled. We are separated now, and I am much better off without him. He comes over every day though, which makes it tough. We both want a divorce but can't afford one. I hate the thoughts of selling this house, I dearly love it. We have lived here for 40 years. I'm taking it easy for right now as I've just had a total hip replacement. Time to get used to the changes that will be coming for sure. I also have another operation, female problems, coming up when it is advisable.
My physical "change of life" occurred when I was 50, my real "change" occurred last April 21st, when I accidentally stumbled over his latest affair- my whole life changed....................................aquamarine

 

[desi]

Think you're poor now, wait til you get divorced. Its not worth it. Divorce doesn't solve anything unless you gain a truely deeper understanding of yourself which seldom if ever happens. Usually people just move on to find the same 'type' of people to repeat the same program with.

 

[SkyeBlue8]

Aquamarine,
I believe you are making the right decision for yourself. And you're right, you are better off without this lying cheating man. Good for you, and I pray that this will all work out with your money/property and everything.
Just take it easy and rely on God for all this to work out. And if you really truly want this divorce, don't listen to people telling you you're making a dumb decision. You have the right to do this Biblically so you can be at peace about it.

 

[desi]

Aquamarine,
I believe you are making the right decision for yourself. And you're right, you are better off without this lying cheating man. Good for you, and I pray that this will all work out with your money/property and everything.
Just take it easy and rely on God for all this to work out. And if you really truly want this divorce, don't listen to people telling you you're making a dumb decision. You have the right to do this Biblically so you can be at peace about it.

So, you suggest she defy the Bible and rely on God to fix it? How does that make sense to you?

 

[aquamarine36]

Thank you skyblue for your support. Desi, what do you mean by my defying the bible? Are you talking about my separation from him, or the fact that another man has come into my life? I wasn't looking, it just happened over the summer, even though I was in so much need for love. He has made me happy again...................aquamarine

 

[Jenna]

I don't know that it is relevant whether someone looks to have an extra-marital relationship. Since you mentioned that he makes you feel sexy again, I'm assuming that you aren't looking at this as a friendship that could move into more. I will take it as it sounds, as though you are already in a romantic relationship with someone who is not your husband, while you are still married.

Rebound or not, is this a position that you think is healthy for your relationship with God? Do you feel at ease with doing the same thing that your husband did? I know that you most likely think that it's not the same thing, since you are separated and he did it first. However, as it was said earlier, two wrongs don't make a right. While it may sound hard, I would challenge that it is quite hypocritical to separate from your husband to seek a divorce, and do the same thing that you are not forgiving him over. I understand that it hurts to have someone break covenant with you and betray your trust. There are many of us here who have been on one or both ends of adultery in any number of it's many forms. Still, there are times when we have to set aside the emotions that drive a person to do what is not right, while searching for comfort. One tremendously important detail that you seem to have missed is that God is here to comfort you, is more capable than any mortal man, and would never lead you astray. If you want the holes in your heart filled, I wouldn't advise turning to a man who has little or no qualms about being involved with a married woman. If you want real healing, look to the Lord.

 

[p_kitha]

What your hudsband did is wrong because an infidelity is an infidelity no matter where it is. If you feel like you are divorced then do it be finally free from that man that cheated on you. If you found a good man that makes you feel happy, sexy and everything else then go for it but get the divorce first so that you can be happy. Its wrong to be with someone else while beeing married so if you want to be with him do that and then continue with your life you deserve much better than your hudsband...

 

[Avaya]

Thank you all for your messages. My husband started chasing other women 3 weeks after we married. It didn't stop then, he has cheated all our married life, the last two times I found out it was cybercheating. He is also a gambler and has gambled away all that we ever earned. I have spent years forgetting and forgiving. I had a psychotic break (nervous breakdown) with the last cyber affair, and was in a hospital for a month. During that time I was away, he learned how to hide his affairs better, and I wouldn't stumble on his activities as easily. He was already into this latest "soulmate" when I returned home from the hospital. It has been an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship from the beginning. This last affair just shook me awake, finally.
I am no longer married, mind, heart, spirit, soul, or body. I have totally detached from him. I find him repulsive and sickening. Once I separated from him it was like the weight of the world off my shoulders. I am happy now for the first time in 47 years. Did I mention we are both senior citizens? I am 68 and he is 70............................aquamarine

I understand your pain, but I have to say that none of what you have said justified you having an affair. I know you're hurting and feeling betrayed, but the way to ease that is not to commit a sin of your own. You're hurting yourself by doing that. Turn to God and let Him comfort you.